The small print reads "Friends Not Included"

These commercials for Verizon and "4G" phones are such a riot, portraying the purchase of these stupid devices as tantamount to obtaining some kind of Holy Grail of excitement in the form of "connectivity." Because really, what could be more exciting than being able to update your Facebook page or listen to Chris Berman on the go?

Clueless No Life Dweeb #1 compares the anticipation of getting a cell phone to the coming of an amazing electrical storm, climaxing in the splitting of a tree by a bolt of lightning. The storm has come and gone, but it's gift to this weirdo has been left behind in the form of the shattered tree. No, this kid will not be carving a bat out of it's remains. He'll instead be "blessed" by a little glowing box which will give him more excuses to stay in his room and avoid contact with annoying carbon-based life forms.

Clueless, insufferable Dweeb #2 is doing his best Forrest Gump impersonation, running like mad down a 3-mile long driveway (it's actually only thirty feet, but it FEELS like 3 miles to a kid whose idea of a triathlon is texting, downloading and talking at the same time.) He looks into his mailbox, and YAY! The online purchase that will finally make his wretched existence bearable has arrived! And because Verizon is determined to convince us that these aren't just phones, the kid must then bring the box to his Special Secret Place in the barn ( I don't want to know what that Secret Special Place was used for before today, thanks anyway) before opening it. And of course, opening the box must be accompanied by a freaking laser show, no doubt signifying that, as in the case of Dweeb #1, something Very Significant has just happened in the life of this kid. Everything. Is going to get better. Starting. Right. Now.

Except...no.

I've said it once and, as regular readers of this blog know, I've said it a thousand times: All commercials carry exactly the same message: Your life sucks. However, there is a way you can make it suck less. And that's by purchasing this product. This product will make your sucky life bearable; strike that, this product will make your sucky life NOT SUCK ANYMORE. Your sucky life will suddenly become AWESOME if you buy this. And since you are only ONE PURCHASE AWAY from redeeming your sorry-ass existence, you'd have to be a complete and utter loser NOT to make that purchase. So what's it going to be? A life not worthy of living, because you are too damned cheap to buy just this ONE MORE THING? Or a life of lightning-bolt and storm-cloud awesomeness, all waiting for you once you open up that box?

If your choice is the latter, welcome to the wonderful world of ringtones and movies on 2-inch screens and turn-by-turn directions and all those other nifty things you thought were kind of nice but now realize are Absolutely Essential. If it's the former, well, enjoy watching life go by without you, Loser Who Will Never Be Loved By Anyone. And don't say we didn't warn you. On your death bed, you can ponder how you didn't make that One Purchase. You'll be doing it alone.

And the best part is, they work for Happy Meals!

Aww, how adorable. Remember how kids used to have lemonade stands, and they'd mix up the stuff and try to get people to stop and buy some at maybe five cents a glass, and since even forty years ago a nickle didn't buy much of anything at all it was really more all in fun and about engaging in a project which took advantage of those summer days that seemed to never end?

Well, fuck that, it's 2011, and according to Verizon it's never too early for our kids to be molded into money-obsessed, grasping, penny-pinching corporate zombies. And it's never been easier to use technology to

A. Keep track of inventory
B. Keep track of the wage slaves---err, "staff."
C. Keep track of every penny of "profit" that trickles into your "small business," including the money that comes in via credit cards (credit cards used to buy lemonade? Awesome message you're sending there, Verizon. I swear, in another year we'll see people establishing credit as fetuses.)

And isn't the result oh so adorable? Grim-faced automatons barking orders into cell phones, sending important-looking graphics to the worker drones, sitting behind massive desks to advertise their status as America's Most Productive. These kids are one step away from financing a Tea Party rally.

Anyway- I don't have kids, so maybe I'm out of line here, but do we really want to see children taking life (and money which, believe it or not, is really not the same thing) so seriously? Does every activity have to be about organizing and graphing and scheduling and shipping and "succeeding" (by raking in the dough, of course?) Is there any room for innocent fun anymore? My guess is that the answer is "no"- that play and imagination and pointless, silly fun went the way of the dodo as soon as we decided to sell our souls for Connectivity.

Still- I wish companies like Verizon could just leave the kids alone.

Why do I read the YouTube Comments? Don't I have enough to be depressed about?

I know what to expect when I read the comments under the commercials before I embed them into this blog. No matter how asinine, disgusting, or downright stupid the commercial is, there are always glue-sniffing little boys there, posting about how ROTFLMAO hilarious they thought it was, or how EPIC that guy's facial expression was OMIGD, and don't forget the ever-present "Do U know this song wat is this song i want this SONG!"

But the comments for this horrible, mean-spirited, cruel ad are downright depressing. What are we looking at here? A woman is cruising along in her SUV (I hate SUVs but jeesh, not enough to wish what's about to happen on ANYONE who cares to drive them.) She thinks the way is clear, so she attempts to change lanes and BANG!! Collision which causes her to swerve sideways before coming to a screeching halt.

She screams in slow motion while the guy playing the part of "Blind Spot" laughs because he's "done his job." I'm pretty sure we are supposed to be laughing along with him, because gosh there's nothing funnier than the panicked, frightened face of a middle-aged woman experiencing a car accident now, is there?

Or maybe there is- maybe the sight of the same woman, now traumatized, trying to catch her breath, with a vacant, horrified look on her face. Unless you've got a mother, sister or wife, OMIGOD what an EPIC moment in the annals of commercial humor!

At least two of the posters here thought that this evil mess was so funny, they lost control of their bowels. Another was watching with his mom and dad, and they all burst out laughing (great job raising that kid, mom and dad.) NO ONE on the first page of comments thought this commercial was anything but rib-splitting good fun.

Good Lord, really? It's a commercial about a WOMAN being involved in a CAR ACCIDENT and being understandably FRIGHTENED INTO TEMPORARY PARALYSIS BY IT. That this event- which is NEVER funny under ANY circumstances- tickles so many YouTube Dickwads says nothing good about the little children who can't stop wetting themselves over scenes involving car accidents, talking babies, or cruel, beer-addled boyfriends.

Hey, posters? If you don't mind, we are trying to have a society here. You could help by keeping your sad comments to yourself. Every consider reading a book? Who knows, you might find it fun. And you won't go nuts wondering what that OMIGOD EPIC song is.

Is this a commercial for The Biggest Loser? Because I vote for the guy in the Batman suit

Quick note, and I hope it doesn't come too late- I couldn't find the 40-second tv version of this ad, so please, if you want to watch the embedded video at all, feel free to stop after forty seconds. Or before. Just because I've decided to take on the burden of wading through this crap doesn't mean you have to.

Ok, on to the commercial, which should look really familiar. There's this new video game, and it's being released by Wal Mart at "12:01 AM" on some day in the near future, so of course you have to be there in the parking lot by 4 PM the previous day to get a good place in line with the other pasty, sweaty, haven't-had-a-date-since-the Clinton-Administration "gamers." Now, if you happen to be driving past Wal Mart around midnight and see you see a herd of what looks like two-legged bison all holding glowing things in their hands, you shouldn't assume that they are on hand to buy this new Batman game. That would be really unfair. They may be online to buy the new I Phone (not the one that came out last week, the one that's coming out next week.) They may be there to buy the Newest Game System Which Renders All Other Game Systems Obsolete until December. Or, they may have no idea why they are standing in line- they just saw the line while driving home from their latest failed attempt to engage in an evening of drinks and conversation with a female life form, and decided that whatever was being sold, they needed to have it.

Wow, I've come all this way, and I haven't even commented on the commercial yet. Ok, here we go: Arrested-development exhibits A and B challenge each other's Gamer Cred ("I'm so more Batman than you." Yes, of course you are. Have another Slim Jim, PATHETIC LITTLE BOY.) The very act of purchasing this latest time-and-money vampire has inspired one of these jerkoffs to dress up in a Batman costume, climb the roof of a neighbor's house, and attempt to zip line into his "friend's" house. Hey, at least he's out of his room!

And please, will someone explain to me how these two witless, game-addled drones managed to land jobs which allow them to live in the freaking suburbs? You can't tell me that these guys do anything more complicated than provide tech support for Verizon (Ok, maybe Best Buy's Geek Squad, but that's IT.) Don't tell me that these disgusting overgrown children bring down salaries which allow them to pay the mortgages on what look like pretty substantial homes in nice neighborhoods.

Oh wait, I forgot- these guys clearly still live with their parents. They hold down part-time jobs at Radio Shack while taking two classes per semester at the Community College Across from Dunkin Donuts. And can't pay a penny in rent because their entire salaries go to Big Gulps, Slim Jims, I Phones and Whatever Wal Mart Is Selling Starting At 12:01 AM. What was I thinking?

What's Missing Here?

If you guessed "redeeming social value," you'd be right, but that's not what I'm looking for. Hey, it's my third post of the day, so I'm not going for "deep" here.

And it's not "a good reason to buy one of these phones," either, though you'd be right with that guess, too. Watching downloaded movies on a three-inch screen justifies a vanity purchase like this stupid little toy? Really? No. And if you don't "need" to have the option of watching television or movies every fucking second of every fucking day, I don't see what makes either of these phones superior to my FREE flip phone. (If you DO feel that you need access to electronic entertainment all the time, no matter where you are, please seek professional help and stop helping these companies wreck society, ok?)

It's not the price, because if you are in the market for one of these things, you don't care about the price. You just see the commercial, haul your sorry ass to the store, open up your wallet and tell the undereducated twenty-something at the register "yes, I'm back for my ninth upgrade this year. Just take whatever you need out of this leather thing."

No- what I'm looking for- but never really expecting to see- is nothing more complicated than a SET OF FRICKING HEADPHONES. Seriously, what the HELL is the matter with you, people? Go ahead and indulge in your obsession with your idiotic toys. Watch television and movies until your eyes fall out of their sockets for all I care. But with the last surviving part of your brain that is not dedicated to instant gratification and social withdrawal, try to remember that you are in a PUBLIC PLACE surrounded by people who DON'T SHARE YOUR SAD ADDICTION TO ELECTRONIC STIMULATION. Watch your wonderful movies with the exploding cars and everything going smashy-smashy. Feel free to be so engrossed that you step in front of buses and trains (I mean it, I hate all of you that much.) But for God's Sake, give me SOME sign that you are aware that there are OTHER PEOPLE ON THE PLANET and they would like to get from Point A to Point B without being assaulted with whatever you are trying to use to stop the awful echoes of nothingness bouncing around inside your skull, losers.

Come on, Cell phone companies. I know you hate us. But would it be so hard to show these people using ear buds? If it would help, I'd remind you that they don't really work very well.

"And she thinks Baked Kraft Mac'n Cheese is good for me!"

Ok, I don't want to be too critical of this ad because it's got a good, important message, and I don't need to be flamed by people accusing me of being pro-cancer or something.

I'll just point out that this little girl with the mom who is "kinda weird" has already appeared in Kraft Mac'n Cheese ads ("you BAKE it...in the OVEN...") and "MacSurance Covers you for lost Mac'n Cheese...,") which means that the woman in this ad is probably not her mom, but another actress. Know what that does to the message, GE? Makes it considerably less appealing and believable.

If you want to sell us on your efforts to fight cancer, how about going out and finding an actual cancer survivor and her actual daughter (I bet you anything they are out there) and spare yourself the trip to Central Casting to find the Cute Little Girl with Commercial Experience. Because maybe I'm alone here, but recognizing this kid totally detracted from the message. All I could think of was this Precious Little Moppet pining over the loss of "Cheesasaurus Rex- I LOVED that guy!" and pushing "MacSurance" against Loss Due To Disgusting Parents With Bad Manners. Not fighting cancer.

So while I don't wish this kid any specific ill will, and I frankly don't care if she goes on to have a decent career in Hollywood, I think her usefulness as a Cute Kid Talking About Her Mom expired the moment she signed with Kraft. Better luck next time, GE.

"...And I guess the guy who invented that cool toothpaste painted these..."

Ugh, where to start? Two filthy-rich white people buy a freaking palace suitable for entertaining their equally filthy-rich, equally white friends. They had no IDEA that those paintings in the attic were authentic Vermeers, nor do they really care- they just "both love the color yellow." The message we are supposed to get is "some people don't understand the value of beautiful works of art." This is supposed to segue into something truly nasty. But we'll get to that in a minute.

Clueless disgusting filthy-rich dickwads not only did not know that those paintings they fell ass-backwards into are valuable, they don't even know who Vermeer was ("funny name.") So they are uneducated as well as clueless. No problem- I guess it doesn't take all that much intelligence to have parents who believed in protecting their "generational wealth" (that post is coming, stay tuned) or got you a cushy job as a hedge funds manager. See how easy it is to be disgustingly rich, Occupiers? You don't even need two brain cells to rub together!

Anyway, this is all supposed to come together when the airheads who live in the palace don't even recognize that the Look How Incredibly Well-Off WE Are Castle on Wheels (starting price just under $80,000) parked on the street outside is ITSELF a work of art. At this point, did we expect any different from these philistines? After all, if they don't know who Vermeer is, and don't know Art when they see it, naturally they think this symbol of Conspicuous Consumption God I Hope They Use It To Transport You To The Guillotine automobile is just a "car" (starting price four years of college at a state university)." I mean, for all their Money and Appropriate Pigmentation and awesome art collection they really are just slobs- and that's the punchline.

We can imagine that on the drive home, the two guests clucked endlessly about how strange it was that Bob and Susan didn't seem to appreciate the awesomeness of our car (starting price the cost of feeding Nairobi through 2014,) and what a waste of time it was to have it detailed and waxed to a high gloss during dinner. I'd be thinking of where I could find some cheap Starving Artist paintings- in yellow- to trade for those Vermeers. Because I'm not interested in becoming disgustingly rich, but I wouldn't mind being a LITTLE better off.