Wouldn't a trip to The Olive Garden have been a lot cheaper?

Another "classic" ad-- courtesy of my taped-off-television Mystery Science Theater video collection...

Ok, as near as I can figure it, this commercial is about a woman who travels to Italy and makes eye contact with a male local, who turns out to be a chef at the restaurant she later goes to with people she just met or is traveling with but didn't happen to be with at the time she made eye contact with the cute guy who turned out to be a chef.

The local guy hasn't been able to get her out of her mind (maybe it's the blond hair, rather rare in Italy? Because she doesn't strike me as all that hot.) When he sees that Fate has brought her to his place of work, he insists on picking out the bag of bland, white flour-based pasta himself, expertly dropping it into a vat of boiling water, and serving it to her. Because this woman's plans in traveling halfway around the world certainly included an evening at a fancy restaurant eating crap she could have picked up at the corner grocery store back in Jersey. I'm sure she'll be hitting Starbucks on the way back to the hotel, because Italy doesn't do it's own coffee either, right?

And because this is a commercial, she's super-impressed by the plate of boiled pasta this dope has decided she wants to eat. I'm sure they end up together, happily ever after, secure in the knowledge that no matter where they decide to raise their kids (the United States or Italy,) Barilla Pasta will be easily obtainable. I'm very happy for them, really I am.

Barilla pasta is "the choice of Italy." Yeah, so is Silvio Berlusconi. Point, please?

Define "Smart"

Somehow, I don't buy the Smart Car as the answer to our obsession with BIG BIG BIG (did the first ten seconds of this commercial give anyone else a headache?) vehicles. I'm very glad that the Age of the Humvee seems to have passed (it will not be missed,) though I am a bit concerned about how car companies will react if the price of gasoline continues to tumble, but I don't think that means we are all going to seek forgiveness by decking ourselves out in sackcloth and ashes and driving around in sardine cans with wheels.

I guess the "BIG BIG BIG" promotion strategy beat out "the price and gasoline mileage of an Accord, combined with the functionality and looks of a Go-Cart" sales pitch? Kind of surprising, since the Smart Car comes with so many cool features you just can't find on other, normal and not really stupid-looking vehicles: The Smart Locking Gas Cap, for instance, or the Smart Rear Window Wiper. Oh, and don't forget the Smart Sound System. What? You say you can get all these things for your Not a Four Wheeled Skate Board automobile? Maybe- but they won't be Smart.

I really want to apologize to the people who poured maybe two or three weeks of their lives into designing this pretentious Slightly Safer Than A Moped on the Jersey Turnpike cars. But a guy who lives up the street from me actually owns one of these things, and whenever I walk past his house and see it in his driveway, I expect a six year old kid to jump in it and start pedaling. Seriously, I wouldn't bet on it surviving a collision with a Big Wheel- and I think I'd look less stupid heading off to Giant Food in a Green Machine than zipping along in one of these things.

As long as I'm piling on- this has also got to be just about the ugliest motor vehicle I have ever seen. It's not ugly in the way a Humvee is ugly- it doesn't scream "I hate the world and the environment and I like to pretend I'm in Iraq without having to actually fight, and by the way I am too rich to care about the price of gasoline." I can deal with the stunning level of smug self-satisfaction that must go in to the decision to buy one of these things. But jeesh, just look at this eyesore. It makes the freaking Nissan Cube look like an Audi 8. The New Beetle is a work of art compared to this bizarre little toy (and it gets about the same gas mileage, too.)

So no, I'm not in favor of going BIG BIG BIG. But this is an overreaction. Just because I don't want to drive an armored jeep or a minivan (btw, do minivans come with Finding Nemo pre-installed in the DVD player? Because every time I find myself behind one, that's what's playing) doesn't mean I'm willing to putter around in a freaking fiberglass egg. I also don't want to be checking the driveway during windstorms to make sure my car hasn't joined the garbage cans in the street or is being carried off in some kid's backpack.

You did succeed in one respect, Smart Car- your commercials are every bit as insufferable and annoying as the ads for REAL automobiles.

The small print reads "Friends Not Included"

These commercials for Verizon and "4G" phones are such a riot, portraying the purchase of these stupid devices as tantamount to obtaining some kind of Holy Grail of excitement in the form of "connectivity." Because really, what could be more exciting than being able to update your Facebook page or listen to Chris Berman on the go?

Clueless No Life Dweeb #1 compares the anticipation of getting a cell phone to the coming of an amazing electrical storm, climaxing in the splitting of a tree by a bolt of lightning. The storm has come and gone, but it's gift to this weirdo has been left behind in the form of the shattered tree. No, this kid will not be carving a bat out of it's remains. He'll instead be "blessed" by a little glowing box which will give him more excuses to stay in his room and avoid contact with annoying carbon-based life forms.

Clueless, insufferable Dweeb #2 is doing his best Forrest Gump impersonation, running like mad down a 3-mile long driveway (it's actually only thirty feet, but it FEELS like 3 miles to a kid whose idea of a triathlon is texting, downloading and talking at the same time.) He looks into his mailbox, and YAY! The online purchase that will finally make his wretched existence bearable has arrived! And because Verizon is determined to convince us that these aren't just phones, the kid must then bring the box to his Special Secret Place in the barn ( I don't want to know what that Secret Special Place was used for before today, thanks anyway) before opening it. And of course, opening the box must be accompanied by a freaking laser show, no doubt signifying that, as in the case of Dweeb #1, something Very Significant has just happened in the life of this kid. Everything. Is going to get better. Starting. Right. Now.

Except...no.

I've said it once and, as regular readers of this blog know, I've said it a thousand times: All commercials carry exactly the same message: Your life sucks. However, there is a way you can make it suck less. And that's by purchasing this product. This product will make your sucky life bearable; strike that, this product will make your sucky life NOT SUCK ANYMORE. Your sucky life will suddenly become AWESOME if you buy this. And since you are only ONE PURCHASE AWAY from redeeming your sorry-ass existence, you'd have to be a complete and utter loser NOT to make that purchase. So what's it going to be? A life not worthy of living, because you are too damned cheap to buy just this ONE MORE THING? Or a life of lightning-bolt and storm-cloud awesomeness, all waiting for you once you open up that box?

If your choice is the latter, welcome to the wonderful world of ringtones and movies on 2-inch screens and turn-by-turn directions and all those other nifty things you thought were kind of nice but now realize are Absolutely Essential. If it's the former, well, enjoy watching life go by without you, Loser Who Will Never Be Loved By Anyone. And don't say we didn't warn you. On your death bed, you can ponder how you didn't make that One Purchase. You'll be doing it alone.

And the best part is, they work for Happy Meals!

Aww, how adorable. Remember how kids used to have lemonade stands, and they'd mix up the stuff and try to get people to stop and buy some at maybe five cents a glass, and since even forty years ago a nickle didn't buy much of anything at all it was really more all in fun and about engaging in a project which took advantage of those summer days that seemed to never end?

Well, fuck that, it's 2011, and according to Verizon it's never too early for our kids to be molded into money-obsessed, grasping, penny-pinching corporate zombies. And it's never been easier to use technology to

A. Keep track of inventory
B. Keep track of the wage slaves---err, "staff."
C. Keep track of every penny of "profit" that trickles into your "small business," including the money that comes in via credit cards (credit cards used to buy lemonade? Awesome message you're sending there, Verizon. I swear, in another year we'll see people establishing credit as fetuses.)

And isn't the result oh so adorable? Grim-faced automatons barking orders into cell phones, sending important-looking graphics to the worker drones, sitting behind massive desks to advertise their status as America's Most Productive. These kids are one step away from financing a Tea Party rally.

Anyway- I don't have kids, so maybe I'm out of line here, but do we really want to see children taking life (and money which, believe it or not, is really not the same thing) so seriously? Does every activity have to be about organizing and graphing and scheduling and shipping and "succeeding" (by raking in the dough, of course?) Is there any room for innocent fun anymore? My guess is that the answer is "no"- that play and imagination and pointless, silly fun went the way of the dodo as soon as we decided to sell our souls for Connectivity.

Still- I wish companies like Verizon could just leave the kids alone.

Why do I read the YouTube Comments? Don't I have enough to be depressed about?

I know what to expect when I read the comments under the commercials before I embed them into this blog. No matter how asinine, disgusting, or downright stupid the commercial is, there are always glue-sniffing little boys there, posting about how ROTFLMAO hilarious they thought it was, or how EPIC that guy's facial expression was OMIGD, and don't forget the ever-present "Do U know this song wat is this song i want this SONG!"

But the comments for this horrible, mean-spirited, cruel ad are downright depressing. What are we looking at here? A woman is cruising along in her SUV (I hate SUVs but jeesh, not enough to wish what's about to happen on ANYONE who cares to drive them.) She thinks the way is clear, so she attempts to change lanes and BANG!! Collision which causes her to swerve sideways before coming to a screeching halt.

She screams in slow motion while the guy playing the part of "Blind Spot" laughs because he's "done his job." I'm pretty sure we are supposed to be laughing along with him, because gosh there's nothing funnier than the panicked, frightened face of a middle-aged woman experiencing a car accident now, is there?

Or maybe there is- maybe the sight of the same woman, now traumatized, trying to catch her breath, with a vacant, horrified look on her face. Unless you've got a mother, sister or wife, OMIGOD what an EPIC moment in the annals of commercial humor!

At least two of the posters here thought that this evil mess was so funny, they lost control of their bowels. Another was watching with his mom and dad, and they all burst out laughing (great job raising that kid, mom and dad.) NO ONE on the first page of comments thought this commercial was anything but rib-splitting good fun.

Good Lord, really? It's a commercial about a WOMAN being involved in a CAR ACCIDENT and being understandably FRIGHTENED INTO TEMPORARY PARALYSIS BY IT. That this event- which is NEVER funny under ANY circumstances- tickles so many YouTube Dickwads says nothing good about the little children who can't stop wetting themselves over scenes involving car accidents, talking babies, or cruel, beer-addled boyfriends.

Hey, posters? If you don't mind, we are trying to have a society here. You could help by keeping your sad comments to yourself. Every consider reading a book? Who knows, you might find it fun. And you won't go nuts wondering what that OMIGOD EPIC song is.

Is this a commercial for The Biggest Loser? Because I vote for the guy in the Batman suit

Quick note, and I hope it doesn't come too late- I couldn't find the 40-second tv version of this ad, so please, if you want to watch the embedded video at all, feel free to stop after forty seconds. Or before. Just because I've decided to take on the burden of wading through this crap doesn't mean you have to.

Ok, on to the commercial, which should look really familiar. There's this new video game, and it's being released by Wal Mart at "12:01 AM" on some day in the near future, so of course you have to be there in the parking lot by 4 PM the previous day to get a good place in line with the other pasty, sweaty, haven't-had-a-date-since-the Clinton-Administration "gamers." Now, if you happen to be driving past Wal Mart around midnight and see you see a herd of what looks like two-legged bison all holding glowing things in their hands, you shouldn't assume that they are on hand to buy this new Batman game. That would be really unfair. They may be online to buy the new I Phone (not the one that came out last week, the one that's coming out next week.) They may be there to buy the Newest Game System Which Renders All Other Game Systems Obsolete until December. Or, they may have no idea why they are standing in line- they just saw the line while driving home from their latest failed attempt to engage in an evening of drinks and conversation with a female life form, and decided that whatever was being sold, they needed to have it.

Wow, I've come all this way, and I haven't even commented on the commercial yet. Ok, here we go: Arrested-development exhibits A and B challenge each other's Gamer Cred ("I'm so more Batman than you." Yes, of course you are. Have another Slim Jim, PATHETIC LITTLE BOY.) The very act of purchasing this latest time-and-money vampire has inspired one of these jerkoffs to dress up in a Batman costume, climb the roof of a neighbor's house, and attempt to zip line into his "friend's" house. Hey, at least he's out of his room!

And please, will someone explain to me how these two witless, game-addled drones managed to land jobs which allow them to live in the freaking suburbs? You can't tell me that these guys do anything more complicated than provide tech support for Verizon (Ok, maybe Best Buy's Geek Squad, but that's IT.) Don't tell me that these disgusting overgrown children bring down salaries which allow them to pay the mortgages on what look like pretty substantial homes in nice neighborhoods.

Oh wait, I forgot- these guys clearly still live with their parents. They hold down part-time jobs at Radio Shack while taking two classes per semester at the Community College Across from Dunkin Donuts. And can't pay a penny in rent because their entire salaries go to Big Gulps, Slim Jims, I Phones and Whatever Wal Mart Is Selling Starting At 12:01 AM. What was I thinking?

What's Missing Here?

If you guessed "redeeming social value," you'd be right, but that's not what I'm looking for. Hey, it's my third post of the day, so I'm not going for "deep" here.

And it's not "a good reason to buy one of these phones," either, though you'd be right with that guess, too. Watching downloaded movies on a three-inch screen justifies a vanity purchase like this stupid little toy? Really? No. And if you don't "need" to have the option of watching television or movies every fucking second of every fucking day, I don't see what makes either of these phones superior to my FREE flip phone. (If you DO feel that you need access to electronic entertainment all the time, no matter where you are, please seek professional help and stop helping these companies wreck society, ok?)

It's not the price, because if you are in the market for one of these things, you don't care about the price. You just see the commercial, haul your sorry ass to the store, open up your wallet and tell the undereducated twenty-something at the register "yes, I'm back for my ninth upgrade this year. Just take whatever you need out of this leather thing."

No- what I'm looking for- but never really expecting to see- is nothing more complicated than a SET OF FRICKING HEADPHONES. Seriously, what the HELL is the matter with you, people? Go ahead and indulge in your obsession with your idiotic toys. Watch television and movies until your eyes fall out of their sockets for all I care. But with the last surviving part of your brain that is not dedicated to instant gratification and social withdrawal, try to remember that you are in a PUBLIC PLACE surrounded by people who DON'T SHARE YOUR SAD ADDICTION TO ELECTRONIC STIMULATION. Watch your wonderful movies with the exploding cars and everything going smashy-smashy. Feel free to be so engrossed that you step in front of buses and trains (I mean it, I hate all of you that much.) But for God's Sake, give me SOME sign that you are aware that there are OTHER PEOPLE ON THE PLANET and they would like to get from Point A to Point B without being assaulted with whatever you are trying to use to stop the awful echoes of nothingness bouncing around inside your skull, losers.

Come on, Cell phone companies. I know you hate us. But would it be so hard to show these people using ear buds? If it would help, I'd remind you that they don't really work very well.