Oh my God, tell me I am just imagining things....

What just happened here? What did we just miss?

Why does this woman look like she's just been injected with a serious cocktail of tranquilizers, or is just waking from a ten-year coma? Why does she look like she has not seen the sun in decades?

Why are these people outside in the snow, laying flat on their backs, looking up at nothing? Why does the guy think this is the appropriate time to hand this girl a rock?

And I'm sorry, I just have to say it- should these people be dressed? I mean, the entire vibe of this sixteen-second nugget of nothing is that something that can't be shown on non-premium cable has just happened between these two. How did they get back into their six layers of winter gear?

Oh and by the way, am I the only person out here who wants to track down the "artist" who wrote and sang the smarmy soundtrack and beat him to death with a heavy blunt instrument? I mean, Christmas is still more than a month away. And then there's Valentine's Day. Just think how many times we are going to be seeing and hearing this "all she wants is a trinket" garbage between now and then.

Between this and the ubiquitous Pretty White People Giving Each other Lexuses ads, it's going to be a very, very long winter.

A Step Ahead of What?

Know what is really depressing about cell phone commercials like these? It's that they are becoming increasingly familiar and believable.

A few years ago, we couldn't really imagine seeing people walking around staring at their cell phones and muttering at the carbon-based life forms in the vicinity about what they happened to be looking at on their cell phones. A few years ago, we couldn't imagine snarking at other people because their phones were almost 3 percent slower at downloading information than ours. A few years ago (well, ok- maybe seven or eight years ago, now) we would have thought that the sight of two people eating lunch together but not looking at each other, and instead spending all their time and attention on their stupid f--ing phones was just plain silly, and totally unrealistic.

Not anymore. What we see in this ad is the New Normal- ditzy losers who simply cannot tear themselves away from their portable idiot boxes, constantly attempting to one-up each other in the field of "connectivity"- never mind that we won't see another population of less-connected losers until the next commercial for cell phones offering super-fast download speeds. Oddly, all this lightning-fast accessibility does is allow people to do what is basically Nothing, more Quickly. I have yet to see a cell phone ad which shows anyone's life being improved one iota by technology which allows for 24-hour availability and blink-of-an-eye downloading. In fact, all these commercials ever show me is how incredibly, mind-numbingly stupid and antisocial cell phones make people in tv land.

And in real life. Because like I said before, scenes like this are becoming more and more common every day. Not just in the exaggerated world of television, but in parks, libraries, restaurants, and everywhere else one has "connectivity." Which is just about everywhere now. Keeping us a step ahead- of actual conversations? Of exploring our own thoughts? Of taking a moment to enjoy the scenery? Someone, help me out here- why is this a good thing again?

Quick Soul Check

If you think that life is all about staring at a little glowing screen as you walk down the street, sit on park benches, ride buses and trains, or are supposed to be playing with your kids or socializing with that person you for some reason agreed to have lunch with, I feel really sorry for you- but even more sorry for the people who know you. Because your soul is suffering from a lack of oxygen.

If you aren't already angry at the idea that your life would be in any way improved by No Limit Data Downloading on your I Phone, it's on life support.

And if your heart doesn't break at the 21 second mark- if that final scene doesn't want to make you call Child Protective Services, or at least offer to settle for joint custody- you don't have one.

That's all.

"We'd LOVE to be handing you another big check?" Yeah, right!

Let me see if I get this straight- the State Farm Agent in this commercial (we know she's the State Farm Agent because her name plate says "Agent" on it- thanks, State Farm- we are pretty stupid) reminds her former client that HE dumped State Farm? This after she asks if "Jerry" wrapped his car around a pole AGAIN?

Come on- State Farm is an Insurance Company. That means, it exists to take premiums in exchange for a plastic card required by most state laws (mine is red and white and costs $1100 per year- it's like an exclusive club membership, except that it comes with no visible benefits.) It isn't interested in actually paying out. Insurance companies are like Casinos that way- they get big and successful when the money flows in one direction. It seems a lot more likely that "Jerry" had one too many expensive mishaps with his car, and State Farm decided to cut him loose.

That being said, "Jessica" is being sarcastic and more than a little vicious (but not too over-the-top for an AGENT talking to a CLIENT who cost the company MONEY) when she politely reminds Jerry that hey, sorry, you are some other company's problem now (I'm sure the "fifteen minutes" line is an allusion to Geico.) But not to worry, "Jerry"- you can bet that company will either jack up your rates or dump you as soon as it gets around to paying out. Try Allstate.

Or better yet, look into public transportation. Because you've clearly got some serious problems here. You are going to run out of companies willing to provide you with a policy if you keep doing this to your cars. Again- insurance companies are there to take your money and make stupid commercials, not pay claims. And you are what the business calls a seriously bad risk.

(Oh, and "DeClercq?" Really?)

"However, none of my relatives are on food stamps. So Congress should feel free to cut that."

1. I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind if Deeply Concerned Daughter waited until she was in the hallway before she started to tell us how Dad is becoming a bigger and bigger burden every minute, dammit.

2. Concerned Daughter seems genuinely astonished that Dad needs MORE care as he gets older, and not LESS. I'm not sure what planet daughter lives on. I wonder if she used to become perplexed at her weird children who, against all expectations, grew larger rather than smaller as they aged.

3. Those eyes. Oh good lord, those eyes. Pained, Deeply Troubled Expression, direct from Central Casting. I get it, lady- you are losing sleep because Dad's upkeep is starting to take a bigger and bigger bite out of your household budget, and dammit you don't know WHAT you are going to do if The Government ever cuts back on the percentage of the bill it's willing to pay. Please, put those eyes away- they are pure nightmare fuel. And don't you ever, EVER show up on an Americans Against Taxing Anything commercial, or seriously, I'm going to have to hurt you.

I'm all for leaving Medicare funding alone. In fact, I'm for opening up Medicare for everybody who wants to buy into it (you know, like Barack Obama was, before he ran for President. Back when he was someone worth voting for.) No politician who votes to cut the deficit by cutting Medicare will ever, EVER get my vote, let alone a contribution. But this woman's exaggerated Gaze of Concern is just a bit too much. Jeesh, you'd think someone was asking her to pay another five cents per 2-liter bottle of soda or fruit juice.

I guess it's because I don't live there?

I don't know what's happening in this commercial. I mean, I know it's taking place on the Brooklyn Bridge, but I don't know why. I don't know why people are startled by the sight of this played-out insurance spokes-lizard. I don't know why the played-out insurance spokes-lizard is strolling right down the middle of what looks to be a two-way pedestrian walkway.

I get that at the very end, Geico's little Comes Cheaper than the Cavemen computer-generated image panders shamelessly to the people of Brooklyn. I don't get why that would make anyone want to check out the insurance. This thing also seems to suggest that there's no point in buying insurance if you live in Brooklyn anyway because there's no place to park a car- I mean, that is what it's saying, right? Does this make any sense at all- "don't buy our product if you live here?"

I guess I'll just put this ad into the file marked Went Right Over My Head. I'm sure it makes sense to somebody. And I'm not reading the comments, but I have no doubt that the Youtube knuckle-draggers are just crazy about the music. That's something, anyway.

Here's a better idea

Sure, I'd rather see people shopping at small businesses than Wal Mart, Best Buy, Target, Sears, JC Penny, Hecht's, and all the other huge box stores which have done an awesome job gutting America's economic base by running those small businesses OUT of business with cheap products and low wages. No question.

But beyond giving the middle finger to these bloodsuckers, I wonder why it really matters where we buy Made in China/Malaysia/Pakistan/Vietnam junk the Friday after Thanksgiving, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, or any other day of the year. After all, this ad isn't asking us to buy Made in America products- just the same junk being offered in an different, smaller venue. Does the local hardware store on the corner pay a living wage to it's cashier? Does the ice cream parlor up the street offer the girl who works forty hours a week health insurance? If not, why are they really any better than the Sprawl Marts of the world?

Here's a better idea- on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, STAY HOME AND OFF LINE. Don't shop at all. Sleep in. Play with your kids. Watch DVDs. Take out those old board games. Ask your neighbors over for coffee and leftovers. Go to the park. And leave your wallet in your pocket.

If this crashes the system, the system deserves to be crashed. Especially if that system thinks it can get away with cloying bs like this. Hell, they don't even tell you to use cash rather than credit- just another Buy Buy Buy commercial, wrapped in a flag. Enough already.

I strongly suggest that everyone just stay home the weekend after Thanksgiving. Maybe it will catch on- keep the money out of the economy the next weekend, too. And the weekend after that. And all the way through Christmas. Pop in a "Grinch Who Stole Christmas" DVD to remind yourself and your kids that the holidays DON'T require ribbons and boxes and tags.

Instead of Shopping Small on Small Business Saturday, how about not shopping at all- ANY Saturday? We really COULD make a big impact. Just not the one they are expecting.

We have nothing to lose but our VISA balances.