Hoping it's not just a kiss that begins with Kay

"I--know--this--may--seem--strange---coming--from--a--guy--who--has--known---you--for--such--a--short--period---of--time--that---he--hasn't---learned---to--effectively--communicate---with---you. I---mean,---expensive---jewelery--is--generally---the---kind---of---gift---reserved---for--serious---couples--who---have---developed---a--relationship...but....

"The--fact---is,---I---just---think---you---are---really---hot...ok? I've---been---trying---to--get--into---your---pants--ever---since---our---first---date, and---frankly---don't---really---care---for---this---'communication'---bullshit. I---mean, it's---not--like---I---really---have---anything--to---say---to--you--other---than--that--I'd---really---like---to--land---you---in---the---sack."

"So---let's---just---cut---to---the--chase, ok? From--what---I've--seen---in---commercials, all---girls--really---want---before---they---put---out---is---a--shiny--trinket. So--here---you---go---can---you---just---say---thank---you---and---strip---already, 'cause---God---knows---I've---put---in---the--hours, don't---you---think?"

(BTW, whose house are these people sitting in? Whose tree is that, and who is getting all those presents? The vibe I get from these people is that they are fairly recent acquaintances-- again, the guy hasn't learned how to communicate with the girl with any level of competence yet--not a married couple with their own home. What the hell IS going on here?)

Calling the ASPCA!

So the old guy in the tasteless sweater who lives in a McMansion was experiencing a little problem- his electric bills were "breaking the bank." His solution- to buy some guinea pigs and teach them to slave away rowing to generate power which then allows him to "surf the web all day long."

Ugh, where to start? As long as this noxious prick was willing to torture animals into generating power, wouldn't it have made a lot more sense to just use an f---ng hamster wheel? Those exist in real life, you know. And it's not hard to see how they could be used to produce actual electricity. Even without teaching the little critters how to row a boat, let alone learn the word "row" (God this is stupid.) Heck, I bet a few days of tiny electronic shocks or perhaps food deprivation could pull it off. What this guy did to teach his guinea pigs to perform a complicated task- well, I don't really want to know.

And why did this disgusting jerkwad with the deadpan expression go through all of this for? Why, to allow him to sit his fat ass down in front of his computer and stare at a screen all. Day. Long. Well, that's nice. I hope those guinea pigs are eventually intelligent enough to realize that while they endured horrible pain to learn to manipulate tiny oars, and continue to experience endless suffering at the hands of their lord and master, at least it's all in a good cause. So this guy can surf the web. All. Day. Long.

Naturally, the unattended YouTube Children think that this commercial is so very funny and Epic- one proudly tells us that he loves it so much that once when it came on he cut himself trying to peel an orange, or something (to tell you the truth, I'm not quite sure what the point this Pudding for Brains was trying to make.) And of course, this is not actually an ad promoting the abuse of animals (please DON'T hook up your hamster's wheel to generate electricity. PLEASE.) It's just another commercial that reminds us how very little GEICO thinks of us. Like the YouTube comments are there to remind us that we deserve the contempt.

Meanwhile- this guy spent six months manipulating innocent creatures into generating energy- so he could surf the web. I hate to see how he reacts to a rise in the price of bread- maybe adopt some dogs and then train them to operate a grain mill? Hey, I hear cats can be taught to soak up heat on the roof all day- and at night, you can stuff them into the drywall for insulation. And we already know that monkeys can be trained to do pretty much anything. Thanks for letting us know the possibilities, GEICO.

When is Al Gore going to get out of the way and let Exxon extract my oil?

First- is there some law which says that whenever an oil company produces an advertisement designed to convince us that oil is the fuel of the future and that this is a good thing, said advertisement must include smiling, hopeful-looking children and suburban homes decked out in American flags?

Second, can we agree that the agencies hired to produce commercials for these companies are absolute geniuses when it comes to inventing user-friendly catchphrases to describe the environment-murdering resource they are pimping to us? I mean, "Oil Sand?" "Clean Coal?" It all sounds so nice, doesn't it? British Petroleum provided a nice gift of Oil Sand to the Gulf Coast of Mexico a while back, remember that? (Maybe you don't, because the Liberal, Corporation-hating Media called it a "Spill.") Reminds me of when the power plant on The Simpsons experienced a meltdown, and Mr. Burns referred to it as "an unrequested fission surplus."

Finally- when are these companies going to stop using the language of Socialism to promote companies which represent the very worst in Capitalism? The implied message in all these ads is that "we" have enough oil, natural gas, whatever "right here at home," "right under our feet," and all "we" have to do is go get it. If allowed to do so, the companies that drill, frack and squeeze the crap out of "our" country will "provide" the energy "we" are currently buying from Those People Who Hate Us For Our Freedoms in the Middle East. And in doing so, they'll create a hundred thousand jobs "right here at home," assuming that "home" means "Canada." Of course, this is only true if we Nationalize these natural resources- something I'm willing to bet Chevron, British Petroleum, Exxon etc. are really not all that interested in. In the real world, every drop of "our" oil would, of course, go right on to the world market, sold side by side with Canadian Oil and Russian Oil and Venezuelan Oil and Saudi Oil. If the people in the houses with the smiling kids and the pretty flags get any of it, it will be because they outbid everyone else.

Not that "we" here in the land of smiling kids and pretty flags won't get something a little extra for our willingness to allow these companies to tear the hell out of our backyards. We can look forward to the delightfully spontaneous creation of oozing black rivers and lakes when there's an Unrequested Fuel Surplus from time to time, and more of that wonderful Oil Sand. Not to mention the hilarious, Only in America flammable water available to more and more kitchen sinks, at no extra charge. And we'll be putting a few Canadians to work- just par for the course for the Most Generous People On The Planet.

And never forget the pride that comes with ownership. That's OUR fuel allowing the world to hold off the inevitable switch to renewable resources for a few more decades. It's a feeling you just can't get from a solar panel. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to turn up the thermostat and head off to Lowe's for another Made in China American flag to display from my porch.

People badly in need of a visit from three ghosts

So you're using something called "Trade Architect" by Scottrade to consolidate your portfolio, manage your investment tools, shift your electronic money around in a thousand different ways, and it's such a great experience, you feel the need to tell me that you're "loving it?"

Here's what I'm doing with my money- I'm spending it. Mostly on lunches for kids who lack their own pocket money. Chocolates for same. A bagel party two or three times a year. A week of summer vacation with my niece, including Orioles and Nationals games and two days at Hersheypark. Time permitting, Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. This year, what looks like several cool museums in Mystic, Connecticut.

I guess maybe I'll die without much money in my "portfolio" (whatever the hell that is,) but before that happens I won't spend a minute staring at graphs on a screen trying to figure out which stocks or mutual funds or derivatives I should be putting my little pile on before the market spins the roulette wheel and informs me that Sorry, I had it on Black and it came up Red. I won't let Scottrade or "Chuck" Schwab or those f--ing eTrade babies convince me that there's some social good in obsessing over the Dow Jones Industrial Average or the Asian Markets (again, whatever the hell they are.)

My favorite two lines from the greatest movie ever made- Charles Foster Kane's business manager explains to a reporter that "there's no trick to making a lot of money....if all you want, is to make a lot of money" and the admonition Kane later receives from the soulless, Ebenezer Scrooge-type miser who ultimately puts him on a budget- "you never made an investment...you just USED money...to BUY things." I don't care about making money (Howard Jones told me years ago that the Future has a delightful tendency to take care of itself, somehow) and while I don't like debt, I also don't see why I should work so hard for the stuff if I'm not going to spend it making other people happy (which also makes me happy, but please don't tell anyone I said that. I don't want them to figure out how selfish my generosity is.)

Oh, by the way, Obsessive Money Trackers: When your years of chasing the almighty dollar are done, you are going to be Dead (just ask Steve Jobs, who made himself a billionaire on the backs of little Chinese girls and fought to prevent his workers from organizing themselves because he just couldn't bear the thought of parting with any more of his precious mountain of money.) Just as dead as any person who actually enjoyed his money by sharing it during his lifetime. Maybe your coffin will be a little bigger, but who is going to be able to tell once the dirt has been shoveled on top? Your Lexus will be in the hands of an unappreciative, equally status-obsessed relative, and the wealth you managed to accumulate in your mad pursuit of it will be the property of someone else, who will enjoy it without you. And if you are really doing this so that your slab of marble will be slightly larger than mine- don't bother, I'm going to be cremated. Without a penny in the bank, if I manage things just right.

Are there no garage sales? Are there no charities?

Here's an original advertising concept: Owning a really tiny car "allows" you to "escape your stuff." Because the tiny car is SO tiny you can't take the contents of your house with you when you go for a drive. The Smart Car is so --umm, "smart," it is designed to force you to take your leave of everything that you own which is larger than your wallet and cell phone when you putter around in it. Not shown: it's also so smart that it's "efficient" design does not allow you to bring home any more "stuff," either. Call it forced simplifying.

Yes, the Smart Car allows you to escape your stuff. Like losing your job frees you from the headache of managing money and maneuvering rush hour traffic, or having an empty refrigerator provides the liberating experience of not having to decide what to eat for dinner. Seriously, this message really pushes the Stupid envelope- and in today's advertising world, that is saying a LOT.

"Thanks for finally noticing! Now I can exhale!"

There are several of these Cheerios Multigrain commercials featuring women who go out of their way to make it obvious that they've managed to lose weight- they hang out in laundromats until someone asks them why they are drying their clothes for the fourth time, so they can "casually" mention that they need to shrink them because "they don't fit anymore, I've lost weight." They spend hours in front of the clothes donation bin, patiently waiting for a neighbor to notice their slimmed-down butts (seriously, this one is more than a little creepy- the friend actually stares at this woman's backside and approvingly- and loudly- takes note of the improvement.)

Ok,so maybe the woman in this ad hasn't been waiting hours for just the right moment to bend down in her new, tight slacks in front of just the right person to achieve just the right response. Maybe she's just been bringing her old, No Longer Wearable Because She's No Longer a Fatass discardables to the bin one item at a time, and has finally drawn a stare from her neighbor. Either way, the "Oh yes I HAVE lost lots of weight, thanks for noticing, now let me go on and on and on about how I accomplished this great achievement" response should convince the friend to never,ever comment on The Biggest Loser's weight loss ever, ever again.

And I just love the smug, I'm So Very Awesome look on this woman's face as she eats what is probably her 19th straight meal of Multigrain Cheerios. Hey, lady? Before you get too carried away with your own sense of self-satisfaction, I'd like to remind you that that stuff is still made up mostly of milled flour and sugar. You could do a LOT better- I like mixing Great Grains, Grape Nuts and granola with yogurt, myself-far more whole grains than your Cheerios, much more variety, and a LOT more filling (I like Cheerios, but anyone who tells you that they are not very hungry two hours after eating a bowl of it is lying.)

But back to my main point- if you have to solicit compliments like this, maybe you don't look as good as you think you do. And "I'm shrinking my clothes....I'm donating my clothes...?" Please, get the hell over yourself. Better yet, pack those clothes away in the closet, because if you think that a diet consisting of Multigrain Cheerios is something you are going to be able to stick to for the rest of your life, you are only kidding yourself. And don't think your friends won't remember when you are back to hauling yourself around in sweatpants what a big fricking deal you made out of dropping a few pounds, once upon a time.

For the person in your life who already has everything: More.

Is there room for any doubt that Lexus will not stop subjecting us to these horrible commercials until everyone on the planet absolutely despises the company, the jingle, and every actor who has ever appeared in any of them?

This family comes close to some level of Wholesomeness, because for a few moments they are actually doing something together. Of course, when you think about it for a moment, you realize that they must have been doing something together for some time, because they've managed to prevent mom from noticing the overpriced luxury car with the giant red bow being parked ostentatiously in the driveway. Maybe they were using the SodaStream or whipping up Lattes? Maybe they were gazing at their individual Apple laptops and updating their Facebook pages? Whatever it was, I'm sure it was fun, Upscale, and very, very White.

Anyway, this whole mess comes to a climax when mom realizes that someone has reprogrammed "Mom's Song" (Mom doesn't have a name; she left that with her soul, at the altar) to match the Lexus Jingle. It takes a few moments to sink into Mom's brain, but the giant, delighted grins on Dad and her 2.5 children eventually give it away. And then it's time to leave the cavernous living room with the freaking wall-sized windows looking out into the perfect fucking snow-encrusted lawn (well, why not, everything about this family is perfect, naturally the very trees in the lawn would be delicately shroud in newly-fallen snow. To expect otherwise would be to imply that this family's fecal matter emits odors. Not a chance.)

The final scene is the exact same god damned final scene we see in every. Single. One. Of these Ads. Spouse who lives in a suburban palace and is obviously used to getting every freaking thing her heart has ever desired finds a Lexus in the driveway. What strains credulity is the fact that the receiver of this gift always acts so damned surprised- why? I mean, last year it was two weeks in Paris. The year before that, it was the Navigator she said she wanted. The year before that, it was the indoor swimming pool. And let's not even start on those dirt bikes and ponies the kids have been getting every December since they were roughly six. The only surprise here is what took so damned long for the giver to get the freaking hint- I mean, these ads have been around for a long time now, and didn't you notice the look of disappointment when she opened that box of chocolate diamonds while taking the Cessna to Greece last summer?

Meanwhile, the only look we have on our faces is that of slow-burning rage and hate for anyone who was within one square mile of the lot when these commercials were created. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh for the Holiday Season, but you should all burn in hell. Slowly. While the Lexus Jingle plays in an endless loop in the background.