Speaking of Tools....

This commercial falls into the category of "A little knowledge in the hands of a drooling moron is a dangerous thing." Someone over at Crappy Ads R Us got a hold of a Biology 101 textbook and found some stuff about Homo Sapiens being separated from the "lower animals" (kind of hard to call them that, when they aren't the ones spending half their days texting LOL to each other) by "the tools we use." A very weak (maybe forty watt) light bulb when off in this guy's head, and ten minutes later he he had a very lame idea for a very lame commercial for a very unnecessary Minivan.

You see, "we got to the top of the food chain" by "using the right tool." It must be true, because it's bleated at us in a deadpan, matter-of-fact, professorial tone. The "right tool" may be a bungee cord, or it might be a flatbed truck. But if you don't use the right tool, expect to get "why don't you go back to walking on your knuckles" looks from the guy in the Dodge Caravan who thinks he understands that chapter in his kid's biology book.

By the way, we got to the top of the food chain because we knew what kind of tool to use? I suppose- we learned to use noise to make ourselves more threatening to bigger, stronger animals. We learned to sharpen sticks and shape rocks into knives, and we learned that hunting in packs was more efficient than hunting as individuals (but wild cats and dogs figured this out long before we did.) How did all this evolution lead us to the point where we are driving around in Minivans sneering at people who don't have access to our "tools?"

Can I tell you how much I hate ads which feature Big Strong Guys placidly explaining to us that There's One Way To Do Things, And This Is It, And If You Do It Any Other Way You Are A Loser Who Is Embarrassing Me? Who appointed this guy (or Dennis Leary, for that matter) as arbiter of Which Tools Are Proper For Which Truck?

I don't know which guy is supposed to be in charge of telling me what to do if I want to be a Real Man using the Right Tools for The Job, whatever the hell that means. I can tell you one thing, though- whoever he is, no matter how out of shape he is, no matter how unshaven he is or how serious he sounds as he narrates his thoughts, he isn't driving a candy-apple Dodge Caravan. Because that can't ever be the proper tool for any job. Chew on that, you mouthy, preachy, judgmental dick.

Makes sense to me, Volkswagen

Because after all, if

Bored losers plus a backyard barbecue=providing "the NFL experience" to a guest which results in that guest suffering hi-LARIOUS spinal injuries,

Bored losers in an office building plus several cases of Smirnoff's = a spontaneous piling of furniture into an empty rooftop swimming pool and (hey, what do you know?) many awesome opportunities for more spinal injuries, and

Bored idiots plus cell phones with instant YouTube access = endless opportunities for blatant invasions of privacy, then NATURALLY

Two intensely gay men plus one Volkswagen Jetta can only equal "Let's go to Vegas!" Oh, and "let's kidnap the guy from the dealership while we're at it!" I mean, what could be more obvious?

Now you know where that spare key to your house went to

Why isn't this mother and daughter couple even the slightest bit freaked out at the sudden appearance of a "counselor" in their kitchen? A counselor calling "time out" and wearing an official-looking badge, yet! Wouldn't a more natural response be a piercing scream followed by "What the hell are you doing here?" and "Jamie, call the police!??"

And why are these women at all surprised that their detergent didn't get the dishes spotlessly clean? I mean, it's called "Other Tablets." Doesn't exactly inspire confidence, does it? What's the matter, was the store out of "Bargain Brand" or "Brand X" detergent?

Why does it not bother me one bit that the Kitchen Counselor has managed to set up a flat screen tv and a DVD explaining how Cascade outperforms Other Tablets in national...umm, taste tests? Clearly she's been scoping out this house and these people for quite some time, hiding behind furniture, just waiting for her opportunity to strike.

And why am I not at all surprised that no men make an appearance in this ad? I mean, it takes place entirely in a kitchen. Unless there's beer in the fridge and a game on the big screen, there's simply no reason for any man to ever enter a kitchen for any reason. Dishes? That there's women's work. I know. I watch TV.

I guess that explains by rather "bleh, whatever" reaction to this ad. I just can't relate to it. Greasy dishes? I can't remember the last time I even USED a dish, let alone one labeled "meat." Do they mean bowls? But bowls are for cereal- how does cereal make bowls greasy? So very confused.

Meanwhile, what is that awful smell coming out of the room with the electronic box used to keep beer cold? Whatever it is, Cascade won't help. You see, I don't have a dishwasher- she left me YEARS ago. ;>(

Unneccesary Dumbness; ten yards and loss of credibility

Southwest LOVES to pretend that every other major carrier treats it's customers unfairly by charging unnecessary bag fees. And I'm certainly not interested in defending the practice of charging $25 or more per checked bag, though the reaction some of these idiots have is far more annoying than the fee- I sure as hell would not appreciate being stuck behind some asshole who decided that he was going to hold up the whole line because he thought that he if he threw a big enough hissy-fit he might get the underpaid, overworked baggage monkey to waive the charge. Hey, don't want to pay the baggage fee, buddy? Then get your fucking elbow off the counter, get your ass out of line, and go find another airline, ok?

Meanwhile, however, I'd love bring a handful of these yellow flags to the airport the next time I fly and start throwing them at Southwest employees when

1. I arrive three hours before my flight, yet am handed a boarding pass which makes me wait until every business class passenger, elderly person, and fat woman with two red-headed screaming brats waddle on to the plane first, NEVER MIND that they'll still be standing in the aisle mysteriously unable to find their seats ten minutes after I've been allowed to board....

2. I dutifully check my suitcase, only to experience a delay when the scumbags with their massive carry-ons act surprised when they attempt to board and are told "sorry, that won't fit, we'll put a yellow tag on it and you can pick it up on the tarmac when we land." So....the "punishment" for not following the rules is valet service for your bags? I have to wait twenty minutes at the carousel for my bag to be manhandled off the plane and on to a truck, and finally deposited inside the airport, but the jackasses who ignored the "if your bag does not fit in this bin..." signs scoot off with their luggage in record time?

3. I ask for a Diet Coke and am given A) an eight-ounce can manufactured by El Cheapo Industries exclusively for Southwest or B) a four-ounce cup, half of which is filled with ice, to wash down my bag of nine peanuts,

4. Every flight I take up the East Coast or to Louisville, Kentucky is on a tiny tin coffin with wings. A seat in Fenway Park- or your average SmartCar- has more legroom.

5. When I fly to Vermont, I have to fly to New Hampshire, because Southwest won't acquire a hub closer to my parent's home in Barre than Manchester? Sure it's a cheap flight, and quick- about 90 minutes- but then it's a two and a half hour drive to my boyhood home.

(BTW, I love the Southwest Airlines commercials which show the "refs" trying to pull over another airline's plane for some "violation" concerning bag fees- in real life, TSA would mow them down with sniper fire in about twelve seconds, at a loss to absolutely nobody. I can't believe I put my life in the hands of this airline on a regular basis.)

Quick Quiz: What's missing in this picture?

1. "Having triplets is SUCH a blessing!" I'm sure. It used to be three sets of diapers to be changed several times a day (did you train them to "go" different times, so that this particular part of the "blessing" could be spread out?) "Not financially" groans Practical Dad (who of course has no idea how to fold laundry- he folds a shirt, and instantly hands it to his wife, who folds it again.) Had no idea how expensive sex could be, did you, Dad?

2. These guys have triplets- but it's the middle of the day (check out the sunshine streaming through the windows) and they are both home. Is it the weekend? If so, where are these triplets, anyway? Closet? At the park with the babysitter/dad's girlfriend?

3. Do these guys just let the laundry pile up and do it once a week, or what? I mean, there's three entire baskets of clothes there. That's several hours of washing, drying and folding (or what they nowadays call their "couples time.") Who does laundry all at once like this? If the dad works outside the house (that's certainly the vibe I get from Mom's "they're a blessing" and dad's "yeah I really love working sixty hours a week to keep these things in style" remarks) I'm sure he appreciates Mom's willingness to let the smelly mountains of cloth pile up until he could chip in.

4. Check out the folded laundry. Ugh, these are examples of the kind of dullards who think it's "cute" to dress triplets in matching costumes. Because after all, they aren't individual people- they're "the triplets," who probably wouldn't even have separate names if it wasn't for some stupid law.

(And JUST IN CASE we didn't hear that this Blessing Came In A Package of Three, there's three baskets with identical clothing in each one. Such a blessing!)

I guess I should be grateful that Mommy doesn't end the ad by snarking on Dad's folding ability. I do wonder what we are supposed to get out of this commercial- that triplets are a blessing (why? You wanted three kids, and through the miracle of fertility drugs you got that over with in one fell swoop?) That triplets generate a lot of laundry, which should be done all at once on a weekend when Dad's home to help (because why would the triplets want to be with Dad while he's out of work?) That Tide makes the blessing of having clothes-soiling offspring who happened to be born on the same day slightly more tolerable? What?

Where ARE these alleged Triplets??

Please disregard Nissan's "Do Not Attempt" disclaimer

This Commercial Sucks opens the New Year with a plaintive message to all you stupid, drunken, Cici's-haunting, Light beer-swilling, Man Card-holding, Real NFL Experience-providing, Forever App-downloading, Forever GPS-consulting and video streaming and gaming, shaving-once-a-week clueless morons who represent American Males in the eyes of our wonderful ad agencies:

Please DO attempt to push dune buggies up mountains of sand. I promise, it will end with hooting applause from every idiot lucky enough to witness your innate awesomeness.

Please DO save passenger jets from fatal crashes by catching the nose wheels in in your flatbed. I promise, you will be rewarded with cheers and chants of "USA! USA!", and NOT sniper fire from airport security and a year as a guest of the US Army in Cuba.

And please, PLEASE feel free to drive your new truck down the side of a snow-covered mountain. After all, that's why Nissan built it-- for those times when the dune buggy can handle the slope on it's own, and the plane can land without any assistance from you, Mr. Macho Hero in Waiting. And don't forget to do the barrel roll- that will assure you the "we're not worthy" chants and bows from the knuckle-dragging troglodytes watching from the base. Just check out this guy's "Look what I did" gesture at the conclusion of this rank little crumb of an ad. That could be you, if you just avoid reading. And how hard is that, really?

I look forward to your exploits in 2012, Mr. Blue Collar Superhero whose Japanese Truck makes the Batmobile look like a SmartCar. I've got my Bud Lite ready to toast your next adventure. But could you do me a small favor? If you could take out a few oblivious I-Phone users on the way down next time, it would be deeply appreciated.

Maker's Mark: What it is

I totally agree with the premise of this commercial: Purchasing Maker's Mark Bourbon is not about showing off. I would take it a step further however and suggest that it's not about appreciating that the corn squeezings are "made in super slow motion," because after all, the only thing we see being made in super slow motion is the wax seal.

No, what Maker's Mark whiskey is all about is getting seriously cranked in a very short period of time. It's about doing your best to forget the year that has just gone by- your ill-fated experimentation with Facebook, that person you thought you'd never see again who dropped back into your life, played soccer with your brain, expertly removed your heart and ate it right in front of you, then dropped right back out (probably for another decade or so, thanks for nothing btw.) It's about being able to forget who you are and where you are going (or not going) for a few hours, when it's Saturday night and you've got nowhere to be and nobody's going to be shaking you awake tomorrow, or caring if you wake up face down on the bedroom floor, half-strangled in the bedsheets because you spent the night fitfully tossing back and forth, drenched with sweat, with your stomach in knots, being haunted by the ghost of The One That Got Away.

It's about being able to take an exit from the Pain That Is The Highway of Life (feel free to use that, it's not trademarked like this whiskey) and pause at the Rest Stop of Forgetfulness (you won't be wanting that one) before the relentless demands of Time force you to return to the Jersey Turnpike of Reality (I never said I was a poet, dammit.)

It's certainly not about being classy, or having a good time with friends, or the slow-motion application of a wax seal. In the end, it's really not about anything at all except maybe dulling the ache for just a little while. And when you wake up with another kind of ache, you realize that you've just added to your credit line in the Bank of Hurt, and the only saving grace is that you are one day closer to the cure.

Oh, and that you aren't a Russian farmer, and have to go through all this with vodka.