Never mind Lipozene. You'd drop ten pounds just by getting rid of that weird smile, lady

I love the way this ad seems to start as a commercial for liposuction- several seconds are spent explaining that liposuction is an extremely effective way to get rid of "stubborn belly fat." Yes, and the guillotine is an extremely effective way to get rid of stubborn headaches. Considering that it's another over-the-counter miracle drug advertisement instead, seems like just another episode in non sequitur theater to me.

Anyway, the way-too-enthusiastic spokesperson "explains" how this "amazing" product does what all other phony "diet aids" have been claiming to do since the 1960s- allow you to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, in whatever quantity you want, if you just add this little pill to your daily routine. You see, this pill which I Guess Simulates The Effects of Liposuction Without Expensive Surgery Wow What A Savings magically breaks down Pure Body Fat and melts it away. It's so gosh-darned effective that she needs to remind us that it's only for people who are "serious" about losing a lot of weight- please don't call if you are only kidding, or only a few pounds overweight, or aren't really interested in being slim and sexy like the magazines and tv tell you you have to be if you ever want to have any friends.

In an interesting twist, the spokeschoad here hints that this pill is actually kind of expensive- but that it's expense is an unmistakeable sign of quality. "It's WORTH it." It MUST work, because after all, it's more costly than the Green Tea or Hydroxycut it's sitting next to on the shelf.

In another version of this ad, a woman shrieks into the camera "you need this because you CAN'T do it on your own, you just CAN'T. You CAN'T!!!" The thing you "can't" do on your own is exercise and eat sensibly, I guess. Or maybe it's just "be happy in your own skin."
Whatever.

By the way, the narrator and the graphics tell us that 78% of the weight loss caused by the ingestion of these pills is "pure body fat." Just one quick question- what was the other 22%? Muscle? Bone? Common sense? What?

Whenever this pig screams, part of my soul dies

First, it's clear that Geico simply can't get it's act together when it comes to choosing an annoying spokes-something. Ultra-sensitive cavemen. Gecko with an Australian accent. Eyes pasted on a stack of bills. And now a pig which does nothing- absolutely NOTHING- but scream "weeeeeeeee??"

You know, Geico, it's bad enough that we are becoming a nation of under-educated, under-skilled, slack-jawed, media-consuming, knuckle-dragging mouth breathers who believe everything Fox News tells us. You don't have to join in the search for the lowest common denominator, we were getting there just fine without your help.

I'd like to think that this pig crap is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. The problem is, that barrel has been scraped so many times, it's easy to see the floor underneath it. Considering the generally positive comments posted by the YouTube glue-sniffers in reaction to this latest Adventure of Maxwell The Wonder Something, we aren't there yet. It's going to get worse.

Second- all this to save us a few bucks on our Auto insurance (or not, since Geico has never, EVER offered me a competitive rate- I want my fifteen minutes back btw?) Who would trust this company with something as important as car insurance, anyway? I mean, what the heck am I missing here?

Don't already have a headache? Aleve's latest will give you one!

No, Aleve, I am still not convinced that the woman in this ad is popping pills. Please, make the slurping and gulping just a little bit louder, ok?

I mean, jeesh, whose brilliant idea was it to provide us with such graphic sound effects. Slurp, gulp, slurp, gulp-- WE GET IT.

Not surprising that the person who recommends the Just Two Pills a Day Aleve would be someone who has regular contact with this woman. I can just hear the conversation- "a group of us got together and decided that if we have to spend just one more day listening to you slurp and gulp your way to temporary pain relief, we would have to kill you. So please, try this, you disgusting twat."

I imagine this woman takes her daily dose of two Aleves (hey, let's not schedule a doctor's appointment to find out if there's something seriously wrong here- naw, just keep taking over the counter painkillers until your liver explodes) in the privacy of her own home, with her morning coffee (can you really take pills with coffee without gagging? I'm not going to try.) I also imagine that this means her husband and kids don't need an alarm clock. The sound of mom making a disgusting ass of herself in the kitchen would wake the freaking dead.

Just start making out with your phone, already. You know you want to.

This....this is just...sad.

Here we have a lonely, pathetic jackass with a lot of questions and no humans willing to be seen with him to ask for information. So he must spend his days bleating these questions into his best friend. Since this is the year 2012, it's not surprising that his Best Friend is his I Phone.

"How do I play 'London Calling?'" (Quick tip: Just...don't.) "Show me a G chord. Tell these two girls that our band is playing in the garage (where else?) tonight. Wipe my nose and change my diaper." (Ok, I made up those last two, but would it come as any shock if those were actually his next lines?)

"I need a guitar." Hmmm...let's review what we've learned about this kid so far: He does not have a guitar. He does not know how to play a guitar. He is incapable of actually calling people to arrange meetings. He knows two girls willing to meet him in his garage, and he already has a band. Maybe the continuity got left on the cutting room floor. No, I Phone, this is NOT a request for the director's cut.

This advertisement isn't funny or informative, and it doesn't show us how the I Phone could make our lives worth living. What it DOES demonstrate is how the I Phone can spare us from ever talking to another carbon-based life form, ever again, by adopting a virtual voice that asks "how high" whenever we bleat "jump" and never, ever questions our bizarre helplessness when faced with any task, no matter how commonplace and mundane.

And it concludes with this stupid, helpless kid pathetically requesting that his phone refer to its owner as "Rock God." Because those girls sure aren't about to. Wouldn't it be great if the phone bleated back "sorry, but even I have limits, Loser?"

Considering that phones are being marketed as best (only?) friends and personal assistants these days, I think we all know what the logical next step in the owner-phone relationship is, don't we? No, I don't want to picture it in advance, either.

Sadly, Kindle continues to pimp it's dumbed-down version

Here's a better answer to the question "but what if you want to watch tv or download videos?:"

"I am not a drooling, pretty picture and television-addicted moron who needs to have 24/7 access to video. I don't need to be constantly distracted by pretty moving pictures and sound and cartoons and games. You see, I grew up reading, and I like to read, because it improves my vocabulary, stimulates my imagination, and broadens my horizons by giving me windows into new worlds and thoughts."

"So...if I want to watch tv or download videos? I guess I'll be doing that when I'm indoors, using the television in my living room or, on rare occasions, my laptop. Because unlike you, I actually know what the word 'need' means, and realize that it's not interchangeable with the word 'want.' I don't need to watch television or play little games on a screen while I'm in between cooling myself off in the pool. Because there is a time and a place for everything, a concept you seem to have lost track of."

"And my kids? They have old-fashioned Kindles too, and they love them, because I'm raising my kids with the same love of reading that has so enriched MY life. Just because they are one-third my age doesn't mean that they need to be distracted with the electronic equivalent of Jell-O. They LOVE to read, for the same reason I do. Oh, and they don't feel the 'need' to watch television or play brain-dead games any more than I do."

"Now, could you move your pathetic butt to where it isn't blocking the sun?"

(BTW: "Three Kindles- that's gotta be expensive?" Considering that it looks like this woman brought her kids to some tropical resort so that they could have a more glamorous place to stare at their little screens, this seems like a rather silly question. And what kind of weird idiots ARE these people anyway? I know I never want to meet kids who would prefer staring at an electronic box to jumping in and out of a pool or running along miles of beautiful sand. This family is seriously damaged.)

IAMS wants us to think that animals are jerks, just like humans!

Can I take a few minutes to let you know how much I hate the "brilliant, cute" idea of giving animals human voices and attitudes? And I see it all the fricking time- animals attracted to cars, cell phones- you name it, ad agencies insist on pretending that the smaller mammals among us share our sick obsession with gadgets. And don't even get me started on the "male animals are attracted to female humans" bit- ugh.

These particular ads for IAMS pet foods seem designed to make us hate our pets. See, they aren't grateful and loving and sweet and humble- they are egotistical, pompous a-holes who are as wrapped up in themselves as we are.

Ever wish you knew what your pet was thinking? Well, IAMS wants you to know- your pet is thinking how wonderful it is, and how lucky you are to have the privilege of being in the same vicinity with it. Personally, if I could "hear" my pet talk like this, I think I'd feel a lot differently about it. And not better.

When is IAMS and other ad agencies going to give up on the idea that the "lower" animals are just like us, which means that they are arrogant, materialistic, and self-centered dicks? It's not funny or cute, and it never has been.

Come and get me, Reputation.com!

Here's another "service" I wish I had come up with. As near as I can tell, it promises to seek out negative reviews on the internet and surgically remove them, leaving nothing but praise, rainbows, puppies and unicorns behind. Well, why not? Anyone who expects anything approaching accuracy on the web probably deserves what he gets.

This "service" removes "malicious reviews" like "I had a bad experience" and "slander" like "he's arrogant." Wow, I hope nobody tries to comment on the quality of this doctor's waiting room magazines- he'd probably find himself up on charges.

It's not mentioned explicitly, but I imagine that Reputation.com must promise to be constantly at war with sites like Angie's List, which are clearing houses for nitpicking, peevish, "the monkey I hired didn't jump quite high enough," potentially career-gutting reviews. (I can imagine the woman who's "favorite plumber" agreed to walk her Pekinese around the block until "her business has been taken care of" is quick to post nasty screeds against the electrician who refused to do that pile of dirty dishes on his own time.) Or that company which claims to provide instant background checks (Verified.com) on everyone you've ever met.

What is never explained is how this "service" goes about weeding out the truly malicious, FALSE posts and leaving the perfectly accurate- but negative- comments intact. Do we really think that the good people at Reputation.com respond to "malicious" posts by tracking down and interviewing the poster, then fact-checking with the subject of the post, to determine it's accuracy? Hardly. In fact, it's strongly implied that Reputation.com sees it's job as removing any mention of the customer that doesn't praise his ability to walk on water.

So "Reputation.com" is probably not the most accurate name for this "service," which seems dedicated to nothing short of removing anything that is not a glowing review from the internet. (Maybe "Whitewash.com" would be better?) And now that I've typed this, I'll sit back and see how successful the company is in removing this bad review from the web.