Not any Lorax I know, I HOP

Over the past decade or so, I've watched precious childhood memories fall to the monsters of mass marketing and Hollywood's refusal to come up with their own damn ideas. A Christmas Carol (with Jim Carrey, no less.) Horton Hears a Who. The Cat in the Hat (with Mike Myers. Please.)

So I've come to accept that nothing is sacred. Still...in the back of my mind, I was really hoping that the Powers That Ruin Everything would keep their grubby hands off of my favorite Dr. Seuss character of all time, the wonderful, socially responsible Lorax. But until I actually see the film, I'll give the studio the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't rape and pillage the original message all THAT much.

However, my willingness to give Hollywood a pass- for now- does NOT extend to IHOP. Someone explain to me how Dr. Seuss's defender of the environment could ever endorse a chain of restaurants which peddles huge portions of steaming animal fats drenched in butter and swimming in their own yummy greases. To a nation suffering from an epidemic in childhood obesity. While half the world is starving to death.

Somehow I never pictured the Lorax as a fan of flabby bacon, sausage links, and other products churned out by industrial "farms." Always just assumed he'd be a vegetarian- if not a vegan- and a friend to pigs, cows and all other Animals With Mothers. He sure seemed to like the bears, fish and swans in the original cartoon, which I have included here for your convenience (and perhaps to help rekindle a bit of your childhood, if you happen to be around my age.)

Or should I say "liked"- because the updated version of our favorite Tree Hugger seems more interested in eating his fellow creatures than speaking for them. The Lorax in this commercial isn't rejecting the wasteful materialism of a soulless society infected by greed and avarice. He's stuffing it down his throat and washing it down with coffee and juice. With a smile on his face. This is NOT an improvement.

Oh, but the kids DO get a packet of free seeds with every 3000 calories of sugary, buttery, meaty sludge they manage to assault their bodies with, courtesy of mom and dad's pocketbook and lack of common sense. (I understand that if your kid suffers an actual heart attack during his visit, he gets a free Lorax coloring book when he gets out of the hospital.) I suppose that little bone tossed to mortified Gen X'ers like me is supposed to shut us up. Sorry- not good enough, IHOP.

I guess speaking for IHOP pays a lot better than speaking for the trees, eh Mr. Lorax?

Domino's salutes one of its worker drones- and tells us what it really thinks of Middle America

Here's an awesome combination of self-congratulation, condescension, and unintended humor all wrapped up in a nice doughy package for us.

The CEO of Domino's pizza opens by telling us that "great ideas don't usually happen outside of Domino's headquarters." Well, of course not. I mean, Domino's HQ is where the brains are kept, after all. The minions who work in the thousands of local pizza franchises scattered all over North America? They pound the dough, decorate it, cook it and send it out to the tasteless masses. They are barely expected to chew and tie their shoes at the same time. Great ideas? don't be silly.

But then he tells us what I guess is supposed to be an inspiring story- some previously unnamed, unloved and uncelebrated worker drone came up with what only Americans could call a great idea- to take leftover pizza dough, bake it, sprinkle garlic and Parmesan cheese on it, and package it as "bread bites." No, I'm not kidding. I'm guessing that the only thing that kept this genius from calling his creation "Munchkins" was U.S. copyright law.*

One of the sad starch peddlers at the Dominos run by Mr. Einstein tells us that her boss "should be CEO of Domino's." Because he figured out a way to sell the leftover pizza dough. And she thinks this is all it takes to be the CEO at Domino's. Come on, lady, don't you think they have to do a LITTLE more to earn those golden parachutes, massive salaries and stock options? Like make personal appearances in stupid commercials?

The actual, non-creative CEO shows us his human side by giggling and replying "no"- he's not going to be giving up cushy job to the Galileo who came up with Bread Bites. (BTW, Domino's won't be putting Da Vinci's name on the patent or share the profits that come from his re-invention of the wheel, either. The Sage of Findlay, Ohio will have to accept this commercial as the only royalty he's going to get for his hard "work.") Awww, see what a Real Guy he is? Having several vacation homes and a private jet, and making more money during the filming of this commercial than a hundred Domino's drivers will make in a year doesn't make him any less One of Us. Here's a guy we'd all like to have a beer with- if we could get past the armed guards of his gated compound to extend the invitation.

So thank you, Mr. Domino's Manager whose name has already been forgotten by this CEO and the boys on the board, who are too busy trying to work up a cross-marketing strategy with Pixar's next animated feature. Thank you for boldly attempting to sell round chunks of toasted bread under a cute name- and succeeding at it. I bet it gets this CEO another boat, or maybe a down payment on that castle in Scotland he's had his eye on. Warms the heart, doesn't it?

And that lickspittle toady who thinks you ought to be CEO? Fifteen minutes are up, lady. Get back to work- speaking of which, you'll be pulling a double shift next weekend, tell your family.

*When I was a little kid, "Munchkins" were called Doughnut Holes, and they were handed out for free at the local Dunkin Donuts if you happened to be there at the right time. Now I bet they are trying to figure out a way to charge us for the coffee cup lids.

Never mind Lipozene. You'd drop ten pounds just by getting rid of that weird smile, lady

I love the way this ad seems to start as a commercial for liposuction- several seconds are spent explaining that liposuction is an extremely effective way to get rid of "stubborn belly fat." Yes, and the guillotine is an extremely effective way to get rid of stubborn headaches. Considering that it's another over-the-counter miracle drug advertisement instead, seems like just another episode in non sequitur theater to me.

Anyway, the way-too-enthusiastic spokesperson "explains" how this "amazing" product does what all other phony "diet aids" have been claiming to do since the 1960s- allow you to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, in whatever quantity you want, if you just add this little pill to your daily routine. You see, this pill which I Guess Simulates The Effects of Liposuction Without Expensive Surgery Wow What A Savings magically breaks down Pure Body Fat and melts it away. It's so gosh-darned effective that she needs to remind us that it's only for people who are "serious" about losing a lot of weight- please don't call if you are only kidding, or only a few pounds overweight, or aren't really interested in being slim and sexy like the magazines and tv tell you you have to be if you ever want to have any friends.

In an interesting twist, the spokeschoad here hints that this pill is actually kind of expensive- but that it's expense is an unmistakeable sign of quality. "It's WORTH it." It MUST work, because after all, it's more costly than the Green Tea or Hydroxycut it's sitting next to on the shelf.

In another version of this ad, a woman shrieks into the camera "you need this because you CAN'T do it on your own, you just CAN'T. You CAN'T!!!" The thing you "can't" do on your own is exercise and eat sensibly, I guess. Or maybe it's just "be happy in your own skin."
Whatever.

By the way, the narrator and the graphics tell us that 78% of the weight loss caused by the ingestion of these pills is "pure body fat." Just one quick question- what was the other 22%? Muscle? Bone? Common sense? What?

Whenever this pig screams, part of my soul dies

First, it's clear that Geico simply can't get it's act together when it comes to choosing an annoying spokes-something. Ultra-sensitive cavemen. Gecko with an Australian accent. Eyes pasted on a stack of bills. And now a pig which does nothing- absolutely NOTHING- but scream "weeeeeeeee??"

You know, Geico, it's bad enough that we are becoming a nation of under-educated, under-skilled, slack-jawed, media-consuming, knuckle-dragging mouth breathers who believe everything Fox News tells us. You don't have to join in the search for the lowest common denominator, we were getting there just fine without your help.

I'd like to think that this pig crap is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. The problem is, that barrel has been scraped so many times, it's easy to see the floor underneath it. Considering the generally positive comments posted by the YouTube glue-sniffers in reaction to this latest Adventure of Maxwell The Wonder Something, we aren't there yet. It's going to get worse.

Second- all this to save us a few bucks on our Auto insurance (or not, since Geico has never, EVER offered me a competitive rate- I want my fifteen minutes back btw?) Who would trust this company with something as important as car insurance, anyway? I mean, what the heck am I missing here?

Don't already have a headache? Aleve's latest will give you one!

No, Aleve, I am still not convinced that the woman in this ad is popping pills. Please, make the slurping and gulping just a little bit louder, ok?

I mean, jeesh, whose brilliant idea was it to provide us with such graphic sound effects. Slurp, gulp, slurp, gulp-- WE GET IT.

Not surprising that the person who recommends the Just Two Pills a Day Aleve would be someone who has regular contact with this woman. I can just hear the conversation- "a group of us got together and decided that if we have to spend just one more day listening to you slurp and gulp your way to temporary pain relief, we would have to kill you. So please, try this, you disgusting twat."

I imagine this woman takes her daily dose of two Aleves (hey, let's not schedule a doctor's appointment to find out if there's something seriously wrong here- naw, just keep taking over the counter painkillers until your liver explodes) in the privacy of her own home, with her morning coffee (can you really take pills with coffee without gagging? I'm not going to try.) I also imagine that this means her husband and kids don't need an alarm clock. The sound of mom making a disgusting ass of herself in the kitchen would wake the freaking dead.

Just start making out with your phone, already. You know you want to.

This....this is just...sad.

Here we have a lonely, pathetic jackass with a lot of questions and no humans willing to be seen with him to ask for information. So he must spend his days bleating these questions into his best friend. Since this is the year 2012, it's not surprising that his Best Friend is his I Phone.

"How do I play 'London Calling?'" (Quick tip: Just...don't.) "Show me a G chord. Tell these two girls that our band is playing in the garage (where else?) tonight. Wipe my nose and change my diaper." (Ok, I made up those last two, but would it come as any shock if those were actually his next lines?)

"I need a guitar." Hmmm...let's review what we've learned about this kid so far: He does not have a guitar. He does not know how to play a guitar. He is incapable of actually calling people to arrange meetings. He knows two girls willing to meet him in his garage, and he already has a band. Maybe the continuity got left on the cutting room floor. No, I Phone, this is NOT a request for the director's cut.

This advertisement isn't funny or informative, and it doesn't show us how the I Phone could make our lives worth living. What it DOES demonstrate is how the I Phone can spare us from ever talking to another carbon-based life form, ever again, by adopting a virtual voice that asks "how high" whenever we bleat "jump" and never, ever questions our bizarre helplessness when faced with any task, no matter how commonplace and mundane.

And it concludes with this stupid, helpless kid pathetically requesting that his phone refer to its owner as "Rock God." Because those girls sure aren't about to. Wouldn't it be great if the phone bleated back "sorry, but even I have limits, Loser?"

Considering that phones are being marketed as best (only?) friends and personal assistants these days, I think we all know what the logical next step in the owner-phone relationship is, don't we? No, I don't want to picture it in advance, either.

Sadly, Kindle continues to pimp it's dumbed-down version

Here's a better answer to the question "but what if you want to watch tv or download videos?:"

"I am not a drooling, pretty picture and television-addicted moron who needs to have 24/7 access to video. I don't need to be constantly distracted by pretty moving pictures and sound and cartoons and games. You see, I grew up reading, and I like to read, because it improves my vocabulary, stimulates my imagination, and broadens my horizons by giving me windows into new worlds and thoughts."

"So...if I want to watch tv or download videos? I guess I'll be doing that when I'm indoors, using the television in my living room or, on rare occasions, my laptop. Because unlike you, I actually know what the word 'need' means, and realize that it's not interchangeable with the word 'want.' I don't need to watch television or play little games on a screen while I'm in between cooling myself off in the pool. Because there is a time and a place for everything, a concept you seem to have lost track of."

"And my kids? They have old-fashioned Kindles too, and they love them, because I'm raising my kids with the same love of reading that has so enriched MY life. Just because they are one-third my age doesn't mean that they need to be distracted with the electronic equivalent of Jell-O. They LOVE to read, for the same reason I do. Oh, and they don't feel the 'need' to watch television or play brain-dead games any more than I do."

"Now, could you move your pathetic butt to where it isn't blocking the sun?"

(BTW: "Three Kindles- that's gotta be expensive?" Considering that it looks like this woman brought her kids to some tropical resort so that they could have a more glamorous place to stare at their little screens, this seems like a rather silly question. And what kind of weird idiots ARE these people anyway? I know I never want to meet kids who would prefer staring at an electronic box to jumping in and out of a pool or running along miles of beautiful sand. This family is seriously damaged.)