And while we're at it, same goes for Chris Berman

I get that if I want to watch the NFL on FOX, I have to put up with this Obvious Victim of Too Many Hits every once in a while. I do try to limit my exposure to Mr. Evidence that Helmets Were Not Very Effective Protection Devices Back in the 1970s by skipping the pregame show and turning the television on at 1:06 on Sunday afternoons. But I've learned to accept that if I'm going to watch football, I'm going to be treated to the occasional outburst of squeaky, giggly, I've Lost So Many Brain Cells That Everything Tickles My Funny Bone rants from this stupid, blithering, generally Clueless About Everything Except the Fact That He's Making a Jackass Out of Himself dunce.

But when the Superbowl is over, I want this guy off the airwaves at LEAST until preseason games in August. I mean, this clown is basically unwatchable when you know there's some kind of payoff following his witless blather. When it's just another commercial for plastic food aimed at wealthy people who don't get that whole grains, fruits, vegetables and exercise are all you need to maintain a healthy body weight? PASS!

Hey, Terry- playtime is August to February, ok? Nobody gives a flying damn about you or your life when you aren't discussing the upcoming football game. (Why anyone would be interested in you or your life while you ARE discussing the upcoming football game, I can't explain. Then again, I can't remember the last time I heard you talking about anything remotely connected to football. But maybe that's because I don't understand Bradshawese- or have just trained myself to tune out your "funny" ravings.) I don't care how you used to be a fat moron and now, after only a few months of living off of processed food product delivered right to your door, you are now a somewhat less fat moron. Then again, I don't care that you were an All Star Quarterback several decades ago. All I know is what you are now- a foaming-at-the-mouth attention junkie who enjoys yukking it up with your fellow millionaire grinning marionettes in a studio for 25 minutes before each game. Talking about almost anything except football.

So please, stay off my television until around Labor Day, ok? Hey, it will give you more time with your mirror. And to contemplate a well-deserved retirement. Just a thought.

How could the History Channel pass on this one?

Back in the 1960s, there was a stupid but inoffensive little nub of a television program called The Beverly Hillbillies. As near as I can remember, it took every stereotype suburban America had of rural folk and managed to beat each and every one to death over nine seasons- first in black and white, then in glorious color.

As if this weren't enough, The Beverly Hillbillies spawned a series of spin-offs. Green Acres. Petticoat Junction. Along with Mayberry RFD and Hee Haw, they all combined to make prime time television a sea of barnyard animals, fake "countrified" accents and possum gravy jokes.

It all came to an end with the "Rural Purge" of 1971, in which the Powers that Be decided that almost a decade was enough for mocking anyone not living in New York City or a Levittown clone and cancelled every show featuring a person wearing a checkered red shirt or jeans held up by a piece of clothesline. It might have been the last thing they did right, not that they deserve any level of praise- after all, the same geniuses went on to bigger and better things like Three's Company, Bosom Buddies and The Ropers. Maybe they should have stayed on the farm.

All this being said, today we have shows like Pawn Stars, American Pickers, Ice Road Truckers, and Axe Men- none of which have an ounce of entertainment value, all of which are featured on what is laughingly referred to as the "History Channel." Which makes me wonder- why isn't this show where it belongs, tucked in neatly between Swamp People and Mudcats?

Was Tom Arnold too pricey?

DirecTV's Loathsome "Get our service or ELSE" series continues....

Don't become obsessed with your television (or any other piece of technology, for that matter,) and you won't experience sudden fits of irrational anger if that technology happens to misfire on occasion.

If you don't experience sudden fits of irrational anger, you might develop a relationship with that person you happen to share a house with. The one you said you loved, once, before you discovered your television (or I Phone, or I Pad, etc.)

If you develop a relationship with that person you happen to share a house with, you might learn to communicate with that person. Face to face. Without texting.

If you learn to communicate with that person, she might not mistake momentary acts of frustration as signs of having "anger issues." Because, you see, she actually knows who you are beyond Guy Who Used To Love Me But Now Just Stares At His Stupid Technology.

Message: If you want to keep your relationship intact, turn off the freaking TV, power down the stupid phone, and spend some time with the actual human being who makes up the other half of said relationship.

On the other hand, if you ignore all this advice and just upgrade your cable package, you are far more likely to lose contact with the outside world, see friends drift away and out of your life, stop caring about stuff like grooming, and seek solace from your bitter world of "connectivity" and instant-gratification media by making your home a refuge for stray cats.

I'm not sure this was the intended message, but it's sure what I got out of it.

I really have nothing to add beyond what the girls keep saying, Geico.

1. When their parents, the police, your family, and your employers find out that you've been paying popular middle school girls to follow you around, the storm that comes crashing down on your head will make you wonder why you ever complained about the cost of your car insurance.

2. Wouldn't it make a lot more sense if this guy was trying to lose weight, not save money? After all, by the time the "popular girls" pop up with their sneering condemnation of his eating habits, the food has been paid for. Is he going to try to return it for a refund? I mean, I know this ad is supposed to be about saving money, but don't these girls need to work on their timing? Like hitting "ewww," "seriously," "that is so gross" BEFORE he orders?

3. How does this guy know who the "popular girls" at the middle school are? Do I really want to know?

4. If this guy's sense of self-worth is dependent on the approval of three middle school girls, well, again, let's just say that he's got bigger problems than his car insurance bill.

5. Just the whole concept- this is an ADULT who thought it was a good idea to HIRE MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS to FOLLOW HIM AROUND and shame him out of buying junk food. In real life, my response is "what the hell were you thinking?" Because it's a commercial, my response is "what the hell was Geico thinking?"

Geico? Ewww. Are you serious? This is so gross.

Multitasking for Morons, the Verizon way

It's clear that the cell phone market is now completely saturated, and everyone who wants one of these "necessities" already has at least two. I can't think of any other explanation for the latest trend in commercials produced by Verizon, Apple, etc--- which is to show how it easy it is to do two incredibly stupid, pointless things at the same time, thanks to the miracle of modern technology.

In this theme's introductory stages (a few months ago,) these companies were satisfied to show us how we could surf the web and talk at the same time to be a better wage slave, 24/7. Or listen to music and text. Or watch movies and get directions. Because putting down something and picking up something else for even a few moments is so forty-seven seconds ago. Whatever we "need," we need it NOW, and by NOW, we mean so fourteen seconds ago.

Realizing in the back of their pea-sized minds that there really aren't that many reasons why anyone would have to multitask often enough to justify the expense of one of these phones, Verizon has decided to go with the "Ok We Admit, This Is Just A Stupid Toy That In Real Life Would Only Appeal To Gullible Morons With Fistfuls of Money and No Common Sense" concept. Why do you need the level of "connectivity" offered? Well, what if you are in the final seconds of an online auction for the last Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox on the planet at the exact moment you are also wrestling a crocodile? Aren't you going to be glad you have this phone if THAT happens?

Last summer I snarked on Toshiba for it's "back up your data or risk unleashing a zombie nightmare" ad. I would like to apologize to Toshiba- at least it's commercial didn't involve the abuse of a poor dumb animal making an absolute fool of itself for the benefit of the tv audience. The crocodile doesn't come off that well, either.

Come to think of it, I can come up with one other explanation for commercials like this. Maybe Verizon, Apple, and all the other companies that produce these garbage ads just know their audience really well. They know that it's no longer about convincing people that they need a phone. That sale has been made. Now it's about giving them a reason- ANY reason- to dump that phone and buy a new one. My guess is that anyone who could be swayed by commercials like this one was probably halfway out the door, wallet in hand, before the "funny punchline" even made it's appearance.

"If you follow this by criticizing my towel-folding skills, I am really going to lose it, honey!"

Here's another Just for Fun blast from the past I happened to run across while watching an old episode of Mystery Science Theater and trying to write up some history notes (hey, I've been working diligently for almost twenty minutes, I can take a break!)

This commercial for Dawn Dish Washing Liquid dates from the early 1990s and features two of our favorite characters from the world of advertising. We've got clueless dad, who doesn't know what he's doing because he doesn't do it the way Mommy does, and So Precocious We Hope She Doesn't Ever Ever Change cutesy wittle girl, who has been watching Mommy practice her Craft (cleaning up after Daddy and the Little Blessing) so carefully, she has mastered the Steps to Perfectly Clean Dishes. Anyone want to bet this little girl is NOT a full partner at some prominent law firm nowadays?

Because twenty years ago men in tv ads were allowed to show a small modicum of brain power and common sense (or at least, ability to mentally embed slogans like "Dawn takes Grease out of your Way",) Daddy knows that missing a glass isn't the horrible disaster Daughter seems to think it is. He dips it into the greasy hot water (I don't know, I still wouldn't do this) and demonstrates to his little girl that every once in a while, dad can still get it right. (After all, it's not the 21st century yet.)

Naturally however the commercial must end with daughter letting daddy know that 1) Mommy never says "ewwwwww" (isn't daughter old enough to understand that Daddy is not Mommy? I wish he'd respond with "Yeah, well DADDY never says 'I'm leaving you with the kid tonight so I can meet my boyfriend for drinks, either!" ) and 2) he put the glass back in the "wrong" place (jeeeesshhh, really? What's wrong with where he put it? What kind of police state is Mommy running here?)

The Hi-LARIOUS punchline is "Gee, I thought your mother was tough." Come on, dad. This girl is old enough for the truth. Please reply with something like "this is why you hear all that shouting downstairs every night. And why you don't have brothers or sisters. And why mommy wasn't home for dinner again. Because Mommy is as anal as you are, and Daddy's reached his breaking point."

Anyway, I hope you like this little nugget from the archives. Sometimes it's good to be reminded that Stupidity on Television wasn't invented three years ago. And just because the ability to snark on commercials to a world wide audience wasn't available to poor slobs like me in 1991 doesn't mean they should get a pass, does it?

Not any Lorax I know, I HOP

Over the past decade or so, I've watched precious childhood memories fall to the monsters of mass marketing and Hollywood's refusal to come up with their own damn ideas. A Christmas Carol (with Jim Carrey, no less.) Horton Hears a Who. The Cat in the Hat (with Mike Myers. Please.)

So I've come to accept that nothing is sacred. Still...in the back of my mind, I was really hoping that the Powers That Ruin Everything would keep their grubby hands off of my favorite Dr. Seuss character of all time, the wonderful, socially responsible Lorax. But until I actually see the film, I'll give the studio the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't rape and pillage the original message all THAT much.

However, my willingness to give Hollywood a pass- for now- does NOT extend to IHOP. Someone explain to me how Dr. Seuss's defender of the environment could ever endorse a chain of restaurants which peddles huge portions of steaming animal fats drenched in butter and swimming in their own yummy greases. To a nation suffering from an epidemic in childhood obesity. While half the world is starving to death.

Somehow I never pictured the Lorax as a fan of flabby bacon, sausage links, and other products churned out by industrial "farms." Always just assumed he'd be a vegetarian- if not a vegan- and a friend to pigs, cows and all other Animals With Mothers. He sure seemed to like the bears, fish and swans in the original cartoon, which I have included here for your convenience (and perhaps to help rekindle a bit of your childhood, if you happen to be around my age.)

Or should I say "liked"- because the updated version of our favorite Tree Hugger seems more interested in eating his fellow creatures than speaking for them. The Lorax in this commercial isn't rejecting the wasteful materialism of a soulless society infected by greed and avarice. He's stuffing it down his throat and washing it down with coffee and juice. With a smile on his face. This is NOT an improvement.

Oh, but the kids DO get a packet of free seeds with every 3000 calories of sugary, buttery, meaty sludge they manage to assault their bodies with, courtesy of mom and dad's pocketbook and lack of common sense. (I understand that if your kid suffers an actual heart attack during his visit, he gets a free Lorax coloring book when he gets out of the hospital.) I suppose that little bone tossed to mortified Gen X'ers like me is supposed to shut us up. Sorry- not good enough, IHOP.

I guess speaking for IHOP pays a lot better than speaking for the trees, eh Mr. Lorax?