State Farm: Useful even if Hank defies your expectations, and lives

I've actually had this commercial stashed in my bookmarks list for quite some time now, trying to figure out just the right angle to use on it. Sometimes ads are just so mean-spirited, so willing to tickle that crass side of society which thinks that anything hurtful or cruel is "funny," they defy snark. But I want to get this one done before it leaves the airwaves (any time would be fine, really) so I will just settle for telling my audience exactly what I think of this thirty seconds of nastiness from State Farm.

We open with blurry, wobbly "home movies" and still photographs featuring "Hank" and his family, as his widow(?) waxes poetic about how much he cared about his family. How much did Hank care? Why, enough to make sure that she and the kids could stay in the house he provided for them in life, once he went to his reward (and by the time this ad is over, we can certainly appreciate the idea that dying was the best reward that Hank could have hoped for.)

The narrator tells us that if she could tell Hank anything, it would be "thank you." Aww, that's both sweet and sad at the same time. We all have people no longer in our lives that we wish we could thank. Once they are gone, they are gone, and we are left with the regret that inevitably comes from lost opportunities. We know exactly what this woman is saying. Show appreciation while the person who means so much to you is there to accept it. Message received.

Except, no. See, here's the hilarious punchline- Hank is STILL ALIVE! He's RIGHT THERE! He's walking through the living room, and he's overheard his wife's dreamy fantasy that he's dead, and he replies "you're welcome" (better do it now, Hank- God Knows this woman is never going to say it outright, to you. She's saving it for the eulogy.)

Suddenly Not-Widow mutters "Hey, Hank" with an undeniable, disgusted "oh damn I forgot, you are still taking up space here, thanks for interrupting my daily Hank is Dead daydream."

"Now do me a favor and just walk away, so I can go back to wishing I had had the opportunity to say thank you. Because I clearly have no intention of ever doing that. I am, however, looking forward to the day when I can finally regret not thanking you because it really is too late."

Of course, there are morons out there who think that this is funny- one YouTube dope thinks it should have been a Super Bowl ad. (Well, it's certainly tasteless, so it does qualify.) But remember that others think the E-trade babies and Bud Lite "NFL experience" ads are funny, too. There's no displeasing some people.

Eddie Murphy, reduced to picking up scripts dumped in the trash by Jim Carrey?

You know the film is really going to suck when the leaden "moral" is handed to you like a rotting plate of cabbage during the freaking TRAILER.

You also know the film is going to be a stunning waste of your time and money when it's easy to substitute the poor schlub playing the main character with Jim Carrey. (Seriously, tell me that this film doesn't have "written for Carrey but he was too busy negotiating Ace Ventura III to return our calls" written all over it.)

And you know for SURE that this film is from the Tweak this line, tear out a few pages here, adjust Scene II and substitute black actors for white ones dustbin of Overused Ideas when it involves some magical spell dropping the Sledgehammer of Change Your Ways Or Else on a guy better known for comedy than Straight To Hallmark Video "message" films. I mean, tell me how this plate of Been There Done That is any different from Bruce Almighty, Evan Almighty, Liar Liar, The Tooth Fairy, etc. etc. ETC. Principle Male Character is a total ass. Principle Male Character gets visit from Supernatural Being who for some reason, never fully explained, is taking time off from dealing with world hunger, disease, and poverty to Teach Principle Male Character A Valuable Lesson. Lesson Ultimately Learned, making the World a Better Place for Approximately Six People. Well, thank goodness.

It sure doesn't help my mood that this warmed-over dreck "stars" Eddie Murphy. It was only a few years ago that Murphy was up for a Best Actor Award for his role in Dreamgirls. Apparently Murphy has decided that awards are all well and good, but he's still in this for the money, after all. Carrey I think got the same idea after The Truman Show and The Majestic- that it's fun to be taken seriously for a while, but slapstick garbage is where the big bucks are- so it was on to The Grinch and the aforementioned Liar Liar. Aim low and keep the dough rolling in, I guess. But it won't be any of MY money, I can promise you that. Because movies cost upwards of $10 nowadays, and one has to be choosy concerning which cheesy, manipulative garbage one throws that kind of money, and a perfectly good Saturday night, at. This cliche-fest doesn't make the cut, sorry.

E-trade's continued pursuit of the lowest common denominator

I blame the apparently very large population of utter morons out there who think that the idea of babies being manipulated into endorsing products through trick camera work and dubbed voices is "funny" for this ad, which looks almost exactly like each and every one of the other 247 E-trade ads produced over the past three years.

As I've mentioned in a previous post discussing this vile series, what makes the E-trade baby bit so truly noxious is that it is obviously not geared toward people who are seriously interested in making heavy investments in preparation for a comfortable future. Because people like that have functioning brain cells, and are therefore not really susceptible to this kind of Hammer to the Face stupidity. (While we are at it, they probably aren't all that impressed with the Walk Around With Styrofoam Numbers Under Your Arm to Show Everyone How Rich You Plan To Be When You Retire bit presented by ING, either.) No, the people who think this crud is at all funny are far more likely to invest THEIR money in lottery tickets than in stocks. They don't download the E-trade App, they stand in line down at the 7-11 trading cash for scratch-off tickets. For these dopes, the E-trade commercials are for entertainment purposes only.

And what makes THIS particular commercial especially repulsive? Well, it's the second one that I've seen which isn't satisfied with exploiting innocent, clueless little kids for the benefit of an online trading service, but instead insists on portraying those kids as having the brains and sex drives of adults. Last year, we were treated to a whiny, jealous female baby referring to another as a "Milkaholic" (someone out there thought that was funny. I don't want to meet you. You are really sad.) Now, we've got a male baby visiting the hospital nursery to "speed date." (The same people who liked "Milkaholic" think this idea is funny, too. Unless they've developed a shred of taste, or maturity, since then. Don't know, don't care.)

Because I have an active, functioning, ADULT brain, I don't think that the idea of babies "speed dating" is funny. I don't think that any of these babies has one damn thing to tell me about how to invest my money. What I DO think is that the real-life parents of these kids should be thrown into a dungeon and left there until they agree to stop trying to use their offspring as meal tickets. And that E-trade find another angle. Because this one is about as fresh as "so 29 seconds ago," the Geico Gekko, and the AFLAC duck. And about as funny, too.

I vote that all these knobs shut their cake holes and stop being whores for Big Oil and Gas

From the Will Sell Our Souls for a quick buck and a chance to be on television department...

Here are half a dozen or so mindless sheep bleating the lines fed to them by the richest, grubbiest, greediest corporations in the history of the planet. "I vote for Energy Independence." Oh, do you now? So you are in favor of Nationalizing the Oil and Natural Gas industries in the United States? "I vote to exploit OUR oil and natural gas..." Ours? Well, I guess that answers my question, doesn't it? You really think that the oil and natural gas under our feet here in the United States belongs to us as a nation, and if "we" just drill for it, it will belong to "us," and it will make "us" independent of foreign sources of energy, huh?

Well, that sounds fine with me. After all, if we are going to run the risk of spills and the destruction of the aquifer through hydraulic frakking, that stuff SHOULD belong to us. Ok, I'm sold!

Wait, you DIDN'T mean that? What you really meant was that private industries should be allowed to Drill Here, Drill There, Drill Everywhere and then take all those resources and throw them on to the world market, where "we" get to bid on it along with everyone else on the planet? Well, if that's the case, in what way are these resources "ours?" What is this "we" you sawdust-for-brains choads keep referring to? Chevron and Exxon?

And do you think running "I vote" ads during CNN's coverage of Super Tuesday is at all clever? Trust me, it's not. More like cloying and stupid and manipulative, to go along with stunningly dishonest. How does one go about "voting" for more drilling, anyway? By voting for Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum or Newt Gingrich? If that's what you are saying, why don't you JUST SAY IT, and spare us the "This Gas is Our Gas, This Gas is Your Gas" treacle?

Oh, that's right- it's because you guys couldn't be honest with your customers if we held a freaking gun to your head. Which, come to think of it, would be a pretty darned good start. But failing that, I'd settle for all these ignorant, easily-manipulated jackasses to stuff their "our," "we," and "us" language where the sun don't shine.

And I apologize, Oil Gas and Coal industries, for mentioning the fact that the sun shines. I know you couldn't give a damn, and won't until you figure out how to put a meter on the thing.

33 seconds of absolutely nothing, courtesy of Subaru

Apparently this commercial debuted during the Super Bowl. I'm not surprised- for all the incredibly stupid hype, the annual exercise in excess has been a dumping ground for the most god-awful junk advertisers can throw at us for quite some time now.

I suppose that there is a population of knuckle-dragging, easily manipulated mouth-breathers out there who thought that the sight of dogs driving Subarus, sunning themselves on the beach, jumping into Subarus, and driving Subarus again was OMIGOD THE MOST FUNNIEST THING EVER EPIC LOL. Personally, the only thing I saw that was even remotely amusing was the "Do Not Attempt" disclaimer. Maybe my screen was too small and it read "do not attempt, dogs can't really drive cars." I don't know, and frankly, I don't care- except to say that if Subaru DID feel it necessary to warn the sawdust-for-brains bottom-feeders who laughed at this little nub of an ad, I honesty can't say I can blame them. Wouldn't shock me at all to hear of an epidemic of car crashes caused when glue-sniffing "grown-ups" tried to make their own YouTube videos featuring Rex and Paddles driving the family automobile. In fact, I'll be shocked if I DON'T hear any such stories.

As for me, every time I see dogs manipulated into acting like people for the benefit of some massive, soulless corporation, all I can think is two things: First, at least one actor who really needs a paycheck didn't get one. Second, the animals used in this ad has no idea that they are being exploited so that some fat, money-worshiping jackass can line his pocket. Neither thought gives me any pleasure. Nor does the ever-present sense that a lot of people found this all really adorable and awesome- a lot of children in adult bodies, that is.

I miss "Tastes Like Love," myself

Well, I guess if McDonalds can show us blonde white girls working as cashiers, and Red Lobster can show us beautiful young women gushing about what a joy it is to tell people about Tonight's Special, and CashStop can pretend that twentysomething white men wearing suit jackets and ties make up the bulk of their customer base, I guess we can get used to the site of yuppie-types working in the fields.

Of course, it only works if the fantasy of young white people doing agricultural labor is combined with the fantasy that what they are harvesting is-- Ginger Ale. Because you simply are not going to find handsome white people working their butts off to bring in any actual crop. Not in any country which does not also feature Unicorn shops on every other corner. Bubbly soda? Much more believable.*

Coming next: DINK archetypes "harvest" their local Fresh Fields shop for brie, organic coffee, and that wonderful bottled water that they had in Aspen last Christmas which makes Avian taste like it comes out of a rusty tap. On their way out, they congratulate each other for being fortunate enough to avoid the crowds at Trader Joe's or (shudder) Giant Food.

On a not-really-related topic: thanks anyway, Canada, for offering us the opportunity to build a 1500-mile pipeline over OUR aquifer from North Dakota to Houston to be refined (Houston conveniently being a port city, go figure) and sent out to be sold on the world market. I guess you'll be following up on your "threat" to build the pipeline across your own country's most productive farmland to Vancouver- where it will be sent out and sold in the world market. I guess that's what you'll do- but I'm not putting any money on it. Not with an election on the horizon and President Never Met a Progressive Principle He Wasn't Willing to Throw under the Bus in the White House already. You are much more likely to just wait out our momentary lapse into common sense. Good plan- it never lasts very long.

*Also believable, as well as 100 percent predictable: the parade of "What is that song I want that song I need that song SONG PLEASE" losers flooding the YouTube comments section under this commercial. What the hell IS it with you people? You all have MP3 players with 99% more capacity than you need, and you're desperately trying to justify the expense, or what?

This got played so much more than 42 seconds ago

It's not a particularly old ad campaign, but it's already got me beating my head against my desk.

This is the third version of the same crap I've seen in the past month couple of months- several zombies siting around staring at their freaking phones, muttering about how amazingly fast their download times are. Implied, but certainly not shown, is the idea that this makes the lives of the people who own these phones somehow worth living.

I don't see it. All I get out of these commercials is that information comes in so quickly, it allows you to move on to the next exceptionally unimportant information, and the next, and the next, without ever having to look up. In this particular episode, we see two slouching office "workers" who apparently landed jobs which PAY them to stare at their phones. Naturally they can't be bothered to look up while they bleat in a monotone about how they are so on top of things they clearly don't give a damn about because they got the information being presented several seconds before the person doing the presenting. The one guy who actually uses his mouth to pass on information (what a Luddite!) is properly slapped down by these two slacker morons, whose cell phone addiction would be funny if it wasn't so damned sad.

Can someone explain to me two things? First, who would hire these buckets of chum to do ANYTHING? They are sitting in an office. Office implies Work. Are they actually doing work? Hell no. They are gazing at their phones. Other than the fact that they are wearing ties and uncomfortable shoes, how is this any different from what these wastes of skin do at home? Oh right, they are getting paid.

Second, what is it about this commercial that would make anyone want to buy one of these phones? Do we REALLY all aspire to be immobile turnips with eyes, fingers and an electronic box which makes up the center of our universe? Who would want to be like any of the people in any of these stupid ads???

I'm not inspired to see 4G (whatever the hell that is) as some social good because of these commercials. The only thing I'm inspired to do is to is hit the mute button and post another blog telling people how much I loathe this crap. Was that really your goal, AT&T?