Still better than listening to Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo

Well, this is depressing.  If you are a fan of the New England Sports Network, and a fan of gadgets that allow you to rub your finger constantly across a screen in order to bring up "information" or to post insightful comments like "this guy rox," here's the perfect combination for you and your sad, technology-addled little life.

Oh, and now you can group your friends in new and-- umm, "interesting" ways.  Check out the "Cool Kids" circle.  And the "my fave teams" circle.  I want to see the "just friends to keep my number up" circle and "never actually met but again, there's that numbers thing" circle.

And while you are scrolling and grouping and commenting, life is flashing by- only you don't see that happening, because you are too busy scrolling and grouping and commenting.  I imagine the people who own this gadget and subscribe to this service probably do take breaks to eat, sleep, and actually watch the sporting events they can't get enough "information" on from time to time, but I'm not absolutely sure- I was at a friend's house during a football game once, and every other person there spent three hours staring at their laptops, giving me (totally unsolicited) play-by-play updates on their fantasy teams.  I hope the noise of the game on the television didn't distract them too much.

Starting in late June, I'll be catching the Red Sox on NESN pretty much every day as they stumble to a likely third-place finish in the AL East, not even good enough to make the playoffs despite Bud Selig's latest tinkering with the sacred game for the purpose of assuring that every postseason includes both the Red Sox and the Yankees.  (Maybe Selig will wait until the last day of the season to announce that the rules have been changed- this year, all teams with the word "Sox" in their names which also play in 100-year old stadiums get to make the playoffs.  Hey, it wouldn't be any more blatant or manipulative than the end of "The Hunger Games.")  But even less than a likely poor season by my beloved Sox, I'm really not looking forward to NESN's nonstop barrage of stupid "check us out here, and here, and here" commercials.  Is it still ok if I just want to watch the game, then go do something else which doesn't require a flat, glowing screen?

I don't think "Well Done" really fits here, Totinos

I mean, first of all, this mom has raised at least one incredibly helpless kid.  Lacking a "find the frozen poison" App, the kid needs his mom's turn by turn directions to locate the box of precooked junk in a freezer containing exactly six items.  Hey mom, maybe Home Schooling wasn't the best option for your offspring....just saying, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree....

You really think it's safe for this boy to use the toaster oven without adult supervision?

Second, she doesn't tell her kid where the fresh fruits and vegetables are.  Or the whole grain bread and peanut butter.  Or the popcorn, the yogurt, or any number of other healthy choices she might have suggested.  Nope, she points them right to something called Totinos Pizza Rolls, which we can all assume contains a full week's supply of all the major food groups- fat, salt, artificial colors and flavors, the works.

Finally, she had better hope that the kid she once referred to as her Little Miracle (when he wasn't just "The Bundle") doesn't have any more tough questions, like "we can't find the bathroom" or "hey there's nothing on tv" or "there are these weird, hot orange things coming out of the stove, what's that all about?"  Because Boy Genius has just left his phone in the freezer.

Yeah, you got a real winner there, Mom.  Guess I can't blame you for feeding him fatty garbage.  The first step to starting over, after all, is letting go.

Good question, Honda. What IS this?

This is me wondering why I'm answering a little kid's questions about a car, when it's his parents who are going to decide whether they are going to buy it or not.

This is me wondering why I'm spending all this time babysitting this obnoxious little brat, while the parents don't seem at all interested in the car until the kid goes off to the restroom.

(This is me hoping that the kid never comes back from the restroom.)

This is me wondering why I don't hear either of the parents even once ask this kid to behave like something a little better than a hideously over-indulged little jackass.  Or even acknowledge that the prick is being an incredibly rude jerk who desperately needs a lesson in manners.

This is me fantasizing about cracking the skulls of this kid's parents together and shouting "What the Hell is the Matter With You, do you Really Not Notice your kid is being a Total Ass???"

This is me finally resigning myself to the realization that this kid's parents think that their wretched spawn is Oh So Adorable they Need to Share Him With the World.  Or they simply can't find a babysitter willing to take him on, at any price.  Or they are in constant terror of being wished into the cornfield.

This is me happily saying goodbye to this miserable excuse for a family, determining to change jobs before the first routine maintenance check comes due, and reminding myself to stop by church on the way home to Thank God I've never produced one of these Little Miracles.

I think CIROC is Latin for "Overweening Pretentiousness"

I don't know about you, but after a long, hard day of work for not very much money, there's nothing I like better than to see a commercial featuring rich, beautiful people jetting off to Vegas and guzzling "ultra premium" vodka.

As near as I can tell, this fabulously entertaining little ad is all about how millionaire playboys without a care in the world enjoy taking private planes to Vegas and then strutting around in $2000 suits as the congratulate each other on their God-given awesomeness. Naturally they are joined by equally glamorous, equally beautiful leggy women who share their fondness for The Good Life, which involves mugging for the camera and flashing million-dollar smiles for the benefit of us Little People, who are just happy to have the opportunity to bask in their reflected light.

And it all comes down to the Vodka. It's not JUST Vodka, and it's not even just premium vodka. That crap is for us peasants. This is ULTRA PREMIUM Vodka. If you didn't know that there was any such thing, well, you weren't supposed to. Because you aren't good enough for it, and if you got to Vegas in something other than your own Lear Jet, I'm sure the makers of CIROC would prefer you stick to Smirnoff anyway.

Speaking of which- I can't believe I miss those Smirnoff "I was there" ads of two summers ago. The people in them were no less insufferable than these dressed-to-the-nines rodents, but at least they seemed to be middle class dickwads who might actually have to settle for (gasp) flying coach now and then. Much better than watching the One Percent admiring each other as they toast their Far Far Better Than Us status.

Yes, Burger King's Mary J Blige ad is racist. But not for the reason you think

This commercial for Burger King's "chicken" strips is getting a lot of attention these days.  Apparently, a whole lot of people out there think that it's racist because it depicts a multi-millionaire who happens to be black singing the praises of fried chicken. 

I think this ad is racist, not because Ms. Blige is singing about fried chicken, but for two different reasons altogether.  First, she is cued to sing by a fat, balding, pasty white manager in response to a question put by another doofus white guy- "what's in these new chicken wraps?"  So we may presume that Ms. Blige is absolutely immobile until a white guy wants some information, and another white guy snaps his fingers and sets her into motion.   Hey, bet you thought that career of yours had put you beyond having to play Stepin Fetchit to white males, didn't you, Ms. Blige?  Sorry to inform you, it just isn't so.

Second, Ms. Blige's job here is to sell the fatty junk as something the white customer would really, really like to eat.  In other words, her job is to lie.  Burger King figures black people are really good at lying, so why not, right?  Just throw them a few quarters, and they'll jump, sing, dance, and bleat whatever BS you want them to.  Even if they are already wealthy, like I presume Ms Blige is.  It's in their blood, right, Burger King?

Actually, neither of these examples really explains why I think that this ad is racist.  I think that this commercial is a vicious, outdated attack on an entire race of people, just like a whole lot of you out there do.  However, I don't think it's black people who are being targeted here.  I think this ad is intensely racist against white people.  I mean, check out that ridiculous head-bobbing thing that the manager does during Ms. Blige's performance.  White People do not act like that in real life!  White people are perfectly capable of keeping in rhythm, and moving to music as smoothly as black people, thank you very much!

As a White Person ( I think citizens of Italian/Greek heritage have been considered "white" in this country since the 1920s or so) I deeply resent this ad, and call for Burger King to do the honorable thing and issue an apology.  And allow embedding for the even more obnoxious Jay Leno Drives Into a Burger King in one of his Many Sports Cars ad, which is not only offensive to all races, but to a large number of house cats, plants and rocks, as well.

Well, it is a week to celebrate Miracles, right?

I bet you never thought you'd see the words "Miracle" and "Socks" brought together like this in an advertisement, did you? After all, there aren't that many products out there more mundane than socks.

Until now. Introducing Miracle Socks, the most recent Late Night Bet You Didn't Even Realize You Needed This product, most likely from the same people who brought you Miracle Sunglasses, Miracle Non-Stick Diamond cookware and the rest of the Miracle Garbage cataloge.

Miracle Socks end the many hassles that come with regular, everyday non-miracle socks. Like slipping, and holes in the toes. And the cutting off of the blood supply we all get from normal socks, which cause massive swelling, hemorrhaging and the all too typical leg ruptures, which in turn lead to very expensive surgery, amputation and even death.

How much would you pay to avoid all of this? Well, similar socks have been advertised on Make Believe Websites for upwards of $70 (probably the same phony sites which offer $300 sunglasses and $1000 nonstick pans.) Because you were lucky enough to be watching this particular station, you've stumbled right into an Available For The Next Six Years Only offer. Even better, you can get double the offer for "free"- except that of course the outlandishly expensive Shipping and Handling charges make any extras a very, very costly trap. But hey, how can you put a price on a Miracle?

And best of all- these socks are discreet. I don't know what that means. People can't tell you are wearing socks? Is this something you want to keep secret? Or is it that if someone asks these socks about you, they ain't talking? What?

Big Brother Is Watching You, and her name is Flo

As it turned out, we didn't need a nuclear holocaust or a 40-year war to enter the world of George Orwell's 1984. Just a promise of lower car insurance rates.

We've become such pathetic, Eager to Get Along by Going Along, Privacy is So Yesterday sheep that we have absolutely no problem accepting Progressive's "convenient" little Now You Don't Have To Tell Us If You Are A Good Driver Because We'll Already Know device, which you just clip to the interior of your car. And then forget about it, please- don't worry, Progressive will take it from here.

What does this thing do? Monitor your speed? Count how many times you apply your brakes, and how aggressively? Keep track of your midnight journeys to 7-11 or keep tabs on how many taverns you visit, and how often? Use wireless technology to tell Progressive when you've made "potentially hazardous" long-distance trips on holiday weekends? Because this is all information that you'd like your insurance company to have, right?

How secure is this information? If Progressive finds out that you hit McDonalds four times a week, will the company pass this little nugget on to your health insurance provider? Will you start getting e-coupons from McDonalds?

Coming next- this fun little gadget will include a listening device so it can monitor your level of "distracting" conversations. How about a built-in camera so it can catch you changing radio stations a little more than Progressive thinks is necessary? Apparently all of this is just fine, as long as it saves us a few bucks a year and it's served up to us with a smile by everyone's favorite pasty-white, red-lipped, smiling insurance hustler.

I'll say "pass" on this awesome new "service"- while I can. Because you just know this is going to be SOP for every insurance company in about fifteen more minutes. And we'll be fine with it- hey, if both Flo and that adorable little lizard think it's cool, who are we to disagree?