The Bad News: These just make you a slightly taller version of yourself

I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I instantly froze and sat riveted to the screen when I saw the words "PAY ATTENTION" flashing repeatedly on the screen.  Especially with that red background.

Which meant that for the next 90 seconds or so, I got a lecture on why my life is destined to suck unless I can add a few inches to my height.  The guys at work won't respect me- they won't even notice I'm there.  Maybe they'll step on me, or slam the door in my face.  Maybe they'll think I'm a bug and take a swipe at me with a rolled up newspaper.  I'm sure not going to get That Raise- they'll be giving that to Slightly Taller Than Me Bob.  And now I'll know why.

That hot girl on the golf course (that's what it looks like to me, anyway) won't even give me the time of day.  And it won't be because she's not really standing right next to me, it's just a split screen.  It will be because even though I'm by far the best looking guy she's ever seen (funny, and a good listener, too) I'm not in her direct line of sight, being an inch or two shorter than she is.  Too bad for her- if only she had learned to look slightly down, we might have been the perfect couple.  Wasn't meant to be, I guess.  Her loss.

Thankfully, there are these leftover plastic retainers from the 1970s which are being sold as "MaxTall height enhancers," or something.  you just stick these things into the heel of any shoe which has a lot of extra room in the heel, and it Miraculously (there's that word again) makes you up to two feet taller.  Because they are invisible, no one will ever notice.  (They'll just think you strayed too close to an A-bomb test site, I guess.)

And of course, you'll be able to keep up the deceit because you can buy a set of these things for each and every pair of shoes you own.  Stay off the beach, and don't visit the houses of any of your Japanese friends, and your secret is safe.

But wait- what happens if that hot girl who suddenly finds you so attractive because she can make eye contact without looking down (is this a real problem somewhere?) allows you to take her back to your place for a roll in the sack (hey, it happens! No, really!)  Isn't this like the moment you finally have to take off the toupee (no, I don't have one?)  Or do you just keep your shoes on 24/7?

Actually, this seems to be the plan- we are told near the end of this ad that the MaxTall rubber thingees "mold to your heel, so your feet always stay in your shoes."  Yikes.  Maybe height won't be a problem anymore, but the stink from your feet will drive away fellow employees and hot girls alike, I'd think.

Feel free to take the leap without me, Honda

Here's another "this car will bring all your dreams within reach" commercial.  You know what I'm talking about- the kind of ad which tries to convince you that your humdrum, routine life will suddenly be transformed into a rollicking, fun-filled adventure the moment you purchase this or that automobile.   You can find the concept right next to "This Beer will turn any situation into an instant party" or "this deodorant attracts beautiful women" in the Advertiser's Bible.

In this Honda ad, we are told that we really ought to do certain things before taking the "Leap of Life."  First of all, what does that even mean?  What "Leap" is Honda talking about?  Why does this sound suspiciously like a "Bucket List" to me?  Considering that the company is trying to sell me an SUV, does the "Leap of Life" mean "getting married and having kids?"  I can certainly see how "dying" and "getting married and having kids" could easily be confused.  I'll have to give Honda this round.

But- those certain things?  Well, they are pretty damned dumb- Join a polar bear club.  Go to something called "Rodeo Clown Camp."  Spend the night in a haunted house.  Swim with sharks.  And not only are they all pretty dumb, they also all have something in common- you don't need a Honda SUV to do them.

And that's the part I really find mystifying in this ad:  Honda wants us to do all those things that Honda thinks would be really cool and edgy and exciting before we take the Leap of Life, but Honda never explains to us why we need one of their overpriced, oversized transports to get them done.  It would have been more honest if they had included in their list Fill up your tank for $120.  Because that's certainly something you'll be doing in your new Honda SUV.  A lot.

Especially if you want to take it along for the ride when you go visit that haunted house or attend Rodeo Clown Camp (seriously.  Rodeo Clown Camp?)  On the other hand, I strongly encourage the people who wrote this weird junk to go swimming with sharks.  I just hope they don't forget to rub themselves liberally with blood and fish guts first.

Laxmi: Because Stupidity is Universal

It took more than three years, but I've finally stumbled across a foreign commercial I simply cannot resist snarking on.  Chances are, I'll never actually see this one on television here in the states.  Bet you we see something very similar though, because the attitude is very, very American.

So here is a twentysomething man who finds himself roped in to buying a typical lunch- seaweed, rice, octopus, drinks included- for a gaggle of hot looking women who find his wallet and unwillingness to say "excuse me, who the hell are you" or "and I'm supposed to pick up the bill....why, exactly?" absolutely irresistible.   As he watches the damage mount, he realizes that it's very likely to overwhelm his credit limit.

So what does he do?  Well, he does what anyone with any common sense would do.  No, not announce that hey, he's not made of freaking money so it's every partier for herself.  No, not excuse himself to hit the restroom and slip out the back.  He calls Daddy and asks for an increase in his--allowance?

And in a response that I'm sure is very familiar to an American audience, Daddy just shakes his head- and approves the transfer of funds to cover his asshat son's inability to Say No.   Seriously, Daddy- you raised this spendthrift jerk, no one wants to hear you bitch about him now, in ANY language, ok?

Son hangs up the phone, lesson learned- the apple didn't fall far from the tree.  If Son is a pushover, Daddy's a bigger one.  At least Son gets the company of some pretty hot girls.  What does Daddy get?

Oh yeah, a bigger bill from Laxmi.  Which I'm guessing is Thai for "Visa."  Or maybe "CashStop."  I don't know.  It's been a long, hard week.  This commercial didn't help.

You almost don't even notice the Kia. Which, I'm guessing, is the idea

Quick tip to those of you who might be interested in buying a car in the near future: When a company needs to combine a video game, rapping hamsters and a truly awful Jump for the Remote theme "song," it tells you everything you need to know about the respect it has for the product they are trying to sell you.

Here's a synopsis of the response by YouTube chuckle-heads who really enjoyed this ad:

"Hahaha awesome, this looks just like that cool game I saw at Jeff's house....hahaha check out the hamsters....awesome song what is that song where can I get that song...oh man it's over, I hope they show that commercial again like right now...

"The only thing I didn't like about this commercial was that ugly green car they were driving, it would have been better if those hamsters had shown up in something better. Man, that was one nasty looking crap car....cool music and graphics though..I hope they make more of these commercials, maybe with the hamsters on motorcycles or something..."

"Where can I get this game? Are those hamsters on sale somewhere? Cool song I want that song where is that song?"

Seriously, Kia.  What ARE you thinking with this series?  Could it be "we have nothing worth selling here, so let's at least have a good time making this ad"" and "well, only people with the sense and intelligence of eight year old boys could possibly want to buy one of these things, so we might as well make commercials that appeal to them?"

Tell you what- you shut up about your stupid electronics, I won't punch you in the face. Deal?

Ugh, you know it's bad enough that you are going all gushy over a stupid, mind-numbing piece of technology that does nothing but encourage you to sit as your body fat gradually takes over the rest of your body (the space between your ears being 90 percent fat already.)  It's bad enough that you've found another "this will allow me to avoid eye contact with the other humanoid life forms I am cursed to share the world with" mobile flat screen.  It's bad enough that you still haven't gotten over your fascination with being able to rub your finger around a screen and make images move around and change (seriously, when is that going to stop being the Most Amazing Thing Ever?)  But is it really necessary for you to pretend that this is something that we haven't already seen from other companies, or to act as if this is the ultimate, and won't be a giggle-inducing antique roughly 90 days from now?

And instead of wearing a shirt which reads SONY, why don't you read one that says "I'm a hopeless, friendless techno-geek, please feel free to beat me up, it's the only physical contact I ever have with actual, carbon-based life forms?"

And since this is your new Best Friend, how are you going to break the news to your iPhone?  Are you going to use the same speech you gave to the Blackberry last year?  Go easy, ok?

Who thought Flooring could be so gosh-darned adorable?

Awww, don't you want to just hug these adorable people?  Aren't they the cutest couple EVER?

And not Katniss and Peeta cute.  Not even Belle and Edward cute.  I mean CUTE.

Check out the way this guy talks about flooring- it's not that it has to be affordable.  It has to be "like FREE Affordable!"  Man, that's really affordable.  And really cute.

And then the guy sings some song about being free.  I don't know what that means.  I just know that it's so cute, I want to die.  That cute.

And then the cuteness envelope is pushed to the limit when the girl starts throwing food at the guy.  I'd say that this is clearly one of those "moments" that guys are supposed to take pills to be ready for, except that it's not possible to imagine these people actually having sex.  Way too cute for icky stuff like that.

I sure hope we see this couple in a whole series of commercials for stuff like flooring or whatever.  Because no way this was enough for me.  Maybe they can go to McDonald's next and toss quips concerning the dollar menu back and forth.  No wait, I know- they can update their Facebook profiles while sharing an entree at Applebee's!  The possibilities are endless!

Still better than listening to Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo

Well, this is depressing.  If you are a fan of the New England Sports Network, and a fan of gadgets that allow you to rub your finger constantly across a screen in order to bring up "information" or to post insightful comments like "this guy rox," here's the perfect combination for you and your sad, technology-addled little life.

Oh, and now you can group your friends in new and-- umm, "interesting" ways.  Check out the "Cool Kids" circle.  And the "my fave teams" circle.  I want to see the "just friends to keep my number up" circle and "never actually met but again, there's that numbers thing" circle.

And while you are scrolling and grouping and commenting, life is flashing by- only you don't see that happening, because you are too busy scrolling and grouping and commenting.  I imagine the people who own this gadget and subscribe to this service probably do take breaks to eat, sleep, and actually watch the sporting events they can't get enough "information" on from time to time, but I'm not absolutely sure- I was at a friend's house during a football game once, and every other person there spent three hours staring at their laptops, giving me (totally unsolicited) play-by-play updates on their fantasy teams.  I hope the noise of the game on the television didn't distract them too much.

Starting in late June, I'll be catching the Red Sox on NESN pretty much every day as they stumble to a likely third-place finish in the AL East, not even good enough to make the playoffs despite Bud Selig's latest tinkering with the sacred game for the purpose of assuring that every postseason includes both the Red Sox and the Yankees.  (Maybe Selig will wait until the last day of the season to announce that the rules have been changed- this year, all teams with the word "Sox" in their names which also play in 100-year old stadiums get to make the playoffs.  Hey, it wouldn't be any more blatant or manipulative than the end of "The Hunger Games.")  But even less than a likely poor season by my beloved Sox, I'm really not looking forward to NESN's nonstop barrage of stupid "check us out here, and here, and here" commercials.  Is it still ok if I just want to watch the game, then go do something else which doesn't require a flat, glowing screen?