USA Tax Shield is really pulling at the heart strings with this one

Words cannot express my relief at learning that Sandra, Victor and their 2.5 children* were able to use USA Tax Shield to reduce their tax liability to a "reasonable" amount.  I mean, who wouldn't feel for these poor, put-upon citizens?

First of all, look how lovely and white they are.  Check out the suburban palace, with the manicured lawn, 500-year old oak trees and winding walkway, leading to their massive black SUV.  Surely we couldn't find a couple more deserving of tax relief in all the world!

Second, whatever got Sandra and Victor into tax difficulties, I'm sure it wasn't their fault.  I'm sure they MEANT to pay their taxes on time and in full, but gosh darn it, need I remind you that McMansions, gardeners and SUVs don't grow on trees?  Plus those Aspen holidays- they aren't free either, you know.

Yes, I'm sure we can all relate to Sandra and Victor.  All they were trying to do was live way beyond their means, in a house too large for their budgets, driving a car which screamed "LOOK HOW RICH WE ARE" as they drove through their perfect little white picket-fence world, when the mean old Government came hounding them with wage garnishments and levies (someday, I hope to be as patriotic and successful as Sandra and Victor.  Right now, I'm so far beneath them, I'm not even sure what "wage garnishments" and "levies" even mean.  I thought garnish was something you find on a salad, and levies were those things that don't protect poor people from drowning if they are built by the Army Corps of Engineers.)

I wish that this commercial had ended with an 800 number which we could use to call in and contribute to Sandra and Victor.  They need our help.  I can't bear the thought of Sandra having to fire her Guatemalan cleaning lady, or Victor having to skip his regular tee time with the boys on Sundays, just because that mean old government wants another example of The Most Productive to pay their taxes.  Damn that Obama and his Socialist Minions, wrecking the lives of honest, hard-working people like Sandra and Victor!  Oh the humanity!!

Oh, but I forgot- thanks to USA Tax Shield, Sandra and Victor don't need our help.  They got to wiggle out of their tax obligations for pennies on the dollar and "maintain their lifestyle" (man, I wanted to kill someone when I heard that line.)  It's a Happy Ending fit for a fairy tale- that is, if fairy tales generally ended with wealthy people coasting while the middle class and poor got handed the bill.  And with me throwing large, heavy objects at my tv.

*I know we only see one little girl, grinning like an idiot because she's blissfully unaware that Mom and Dad are clueless, characterless tax cheats who will no doubt take this lesson and use it to run up massive credit card debt in service of "maintaining their lifestyle."  But we all know she's got a brother named Bobby or Hunter or Cody, and that there's a little bundle of something along the way.  These people breed like rabbits.

Calling Dave Ramsey!!

I think I know what everyone's favorite Prosperity Gospel Advocate would say to this guy's problem.

Mr. Free Credit Report thought that he was marrying his dream girl, but didn't realize that he was also marrying her massive credit card debt.  So instead of setting up in a nice little suburban castle, he's living in her mom and dad's basement.  While they dig their way out from under her little "Sorry I Forgot To Mention This During Those Two Years We Were Dating Hon" secret.

He's taking this really, really well, taking comfort in his guitar and his ability to make up a song about the Thoughtless, Deceitful Jerk Who Conned Him Into Marriage as she does laundry.   Well, that's kind of sweet, actually- he's not letting a little thing like LYING get in the way of marital bliss.  On the other hand, I get a rather negative vibe from the bride, as if it's the guy's fault that she ran up all these bills and didn't tell him about it. (Wouldn't surprise me at all, really.  Isn't it always the guy's fault?)

All of this could have been avoided if only he had done the sensible thing and called FreeCreditReport.com and asked for the scoop on his Intended.  Except- is that the way it works?  Can a fiancee actually call FreeCreditReport.com and ask for privileged information?  How does one go about proving that one is about to become legally attached to another person, and therefore ought to get access to sensitive financial data like this?  I seriously doubt that the credit report companies would give this guy the time of day before the actual legal ceremony, and maybe not even then, either.

I feel kind of bad for saying this too, but-- hey buddy, unless this girl is pregnant, it seems to me that you've got grounds for an annulment, no problem.  This isn't the 18th century, after all.  Take it from me, "For Better or For Worse" doesn't mean what it used to, and "'Till Death Do Us Part" is just a cutesy phrase they still use on Soap Opera Weddings (they mean a lot in that context too, don't they?)   This woman LIED to you in order to get your name on her debt.  You think that's the only problem she has, and everything will be fine once you've spent two years delivering pizzas on the weekends in addition to your full-time job in order to pay down that debt?  If that's the case, I've got a bridge I'd like to sell you.  My guess is that the moment the books are squared, she'll show you the door, sucker.

No, I'm not going to recommend Financial Peace University to my friend with the guitar.  After all, he's not the one with the money issues, unless he wants to be.  I think he'd be a lot better off just getting in touch with an attorney.  Because hey, stupid- if your dream girl would lie about something like credit card debt, she's probably hiding a lot of other crap, too.  Get out before she starts popping offspring!

The Bad News: These just make you a slightly taller version of yourself

I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I instantly froze and sat riveted to the screen when I saw the words "PAY ATTENTION" flashing repeatedly on the screen.  Especially with that red background.

Which meant that for the next 90 seconds or so, I got a lecture on why my life is destined to suck unless I can add a few inches to my height.  The guys at work won't respect me- they won't even notice I'm there.  Maybe they'll step on me, or slam the door in my face.  Maybe they'll think I'm a bug and take a swipe at me with a rolled up newspaper.  I'm sure not going to get That Raise- they'll be giving that to Slightly Taller Than Me Bob.  And now I'll know why.

That hot girl on the golf course (that's what it looks like to me, anyway) won't even give me the time of day.  And it won't be because she's not really standing right next to me, it's just a split screen.  It will be because even though I'm by far the best looking guy she's ever seen (funny, and a good listener, too) I'm not in her direct line of sight, being an inch or two shorter than she is.  Too bad for her- if only she had learned to look slightly down, we might have been the perfect couple.  Wasn't meant to be, I guess.  Her loss.

Thankfully, there are these leftover plastic retainers from the 1970s which are being sold as "MaxTall height enhancers," or something.  you just stick these things into the heel of any shoe which has a lot of extra room in the heel, and it Miraculously (there's that word again) makes you up to two feet taller.  Because they are invisible, no one will ever notice.  (They'll just think you strayed too close to an A-bomb test site, I guess.)

And of course, you'll be able to keep up the deceit because you can buy a set of these things for each and every pair of shoes you own.  Stay off the beach, and don't visit the houses of any of your Japanese friends, and your secret is safe.

But wait- what happens if that hot girl who suddenly finds you so attractive because she can make eye contact without looking down (is this a real problem somewhere?) allows you to take her back to your place for a roll in the sack (hey, it happens! No, really!)  Isn't this like the moment you finally have to take off the toupee (no, I don't have one?)  Or do you just keep your shoes on 24/7?

Actually, this seems to be the plan- we are told near the end of this ad that the MaxTall rubber thingees "mold to your heel, so your feet always stay in your shoes."  Yikes.  Maybe height won't be a problem anymore, but the stink from your feet will drive away fellow employees and hot girls alike, I'd think.

Feel free to take the leap without me, Honda

Here's another "this car will bring all your dreams within reach" commercial.  You know what I'm talking about- the kind of ad which tries to convince you that your humdrum, routine life will suddenly be transformed into a rollicking, fun-filled adventure the moment you purchase this or that automobile.   You can find the concept right next to "This Beer will turn any situation into an instant party" or "this deodorant attracts beautiful women" in the Advertiser's Bible.

In this Honda ad, we are told that we really ought to do certain things before taking the "Leap of Life."  First of all, what does that even mean?  What "Leap" is Honda talking about?  Why does this sound suspiciously like a "Bucket List" to me?  Considering that the company is trying to sell me an SUV, does the "Leap of Life" mean "getting married and having kids?"  I can certainly see how "dying" and "getting married and having kids" could easily be confused.  I'll have to give Honda this round.

But- those certain things?  Well, they are pretty damned dumb- Join a polar bear club.  Go to something called "Rodeo Clown Camp."  Spend the night in a haunted house.  Swim with sharks.  And not only are they all pretty dumb, they also all have something in common- you don't need a Honda SUV to do them.

And that's the part I really find mystifying in this ad:  Honda wants us to do all those things that Honda thinks would be really cool and edgy and exciting before we take the Leap of Life, but Honda never explains to us why we need one of their overpriced, oversized transports to get them done.  It would have been more honest if they had included in their list Fill up your tank for $120.  Because that's certainly something you'll be doing in your new Honda SUV.  A lot.

Especially if you want to take it along for the ride when you go visit that haunted house or attend Rodeo Clown Camp (seriously.  Rodeo Clown Camp?)  On the other hand, I strongly encourage the people who wrote this weird junk to go swimming with sharks.  I just hope they don't forget to rub themselves liberally with blood and fish guts first.

Laxmi: Because Stupidity is Universal

It took more than three years, but I've finally stumbled across a foreign commercial I simply cannot resist snarking on.  Chances are, I'll never actually see this one on television here in the states.  Bet you we see something very similar though, because the attitude is very, very American.

So here is a twentysomething man who finds himself roped in to buying a typical lunch- seaweed, rice, octopus, drinks included- for a gaggle of hot looking women who find his wallet and unwillingness to say "excuse me, who the hell are you" or "and I'm supposed to pick up the bill....why, exactly?" absolutely irresistible.   As he watches the damage mount, he realizes that it's very likely to overwhelm his credit limit.

So what does he do?  Well, he does what anyone with any common sense would do.  No, not announce that hey, he's not made of freaking money so it's every partier for herself.  No, not excuse himself to hit the restroom and slip out the back.  He calls Daddy and asks for an increase in his--allowance?

And in a response that I'm sure is very familiar to an American audience, Daddy just shakes his head- and approves the transfer of funds to cover his asshat son's inability to Say No.   Seriously, Daddy- you raised this spendthrift jerk, no one wants to hear you bitch about him now, in ANY language, ok?

Son hangs up the phone, lesson learned- the apple didn't fall far from the tree.  If Son is a pushover, Daddy's a bigger one.  At least Son gets the company of some pretty hot girls.  What does Daddy get?

Oh yeah, a bigger bill from Laxmi.  Which I'm guessing is Thai for "Visa."  Or maybe "CashStop."  I don't know.  It's been a long, hard week.  This commercial didn't help.

You almost don't even notice the Kia. Which, I'm guessing, is the idea

Quick tip to those of you who might be interested in buying a car in the near future: When a company needs to combine a video game, rapping hamsters and a truly awful Jump for the Remote theme "song," it tells you everything you need to know about the respect it has for the product they are trying to sell you.

Here's a synopsis of the response by YouTube chuckle-heads who really enjoyed this ad:

"Hahaha awesome, this looks just like that cool game I saw at Jeff's house....hahaha check out the hamsters....awesome song what is that song where can I get that song...oh man it's over, I hope they show that commercial again like right now...

"The only thing I didn't like about this commercial was that ugly green car they were driving, it would have been better if those hamsters had shown up in something better. Man, that was one nasty looking crap car....cool music and graphics though..I hope they make more of these commercials, maybe with the hamsters on motorcycles or something..."

"Where can I get this game? Are those hamsters on sale somewhere? Cool song I want that song where is that song?"

Seriously, Kia.  What ARE you thinking with this series?  Could it be "we have nothing worth selling here, so let's at least have a good time making this ad"" and "well, only people with the sense and intelligence of eight year old boys could possibly want to buy one of these things, so we might as well make commercials that appeal to them?"

Tell you what- you shut up about your stupid electronics, I won't punch you in the face. Deal?

Ugh, you know it's bad enough that you are going all gushy over a stupid, mind-numbing piece of technology that does nothing but encourage you to sit as your body fat gradually takes over the rest of your body (the space between your ears being 90 percent fat already.)  It's bad enough that you've found another "this will allow me to avoid eye contact with the other humanoid life forms I am cursed to share the world with" mobile flat screen.  It's bad enough that you still haven't gotten over your fascination with being able to rub your finger around a screen and make images move around and change (seriously, when is that going to stop being the Most Amazing Thing Ever?)  But is it really necessary for you to pretend that this is something that we haven't already seen from other companies, or to act as if this is the ultimate, and won't be a giggle-inducing antique roughly 90 days from now?

And instead of wearing a shirt which reads SONY, why don't you read one that says "I'm a hopeless, friendless techno-geek, please feel free to beat me up, it's the only physical contact I ever have with actual, carbon-based life forms?"

And since this is your new Best Friend, how are you going to break the news to your iPhone?  Are you going to use the same speech you gave to the Blackberry last year?  Go easy, ok?