"Loco" referring to the condition you'd have to be in to enjoy this crap

I'll admit that I really wanted to snark on the new Taco Bell Locos Doritos Greasy Meat and Cheese Not-Sandwich commercial in which half a dozen disgusting losers tweet their homages to this disgusting non-food, but I couldn't find it.  I'm sure it will show up on YouTube eventually, be proclaimed as Epic by the drooling children who post there, and then it will be good times all around.   But until then, I'll just have to be satisfied to point out a few really stupid moments in this minimalist attempt to get us excited about Taco Bell's latest effort to convince us that there's something attractive about fatty, oily hamburger meat mixed with onions and spices and served on a large snack chip.

Fat doofus sits on a park bench and pulls a tiny bag of Doritos out of a slightly larger plastic grocery bag which contains nothing else.  This means that when jerkwad put down his dollar to buy eight cents worth of preservatives, salt and artificial flavoring, he insisted on having it bagged- so he could have two future landfill contributions to chuck after he finished eating his 11 Doritos, I guess.   So he's not satisfied with polluting his body with this junk; he has to punish the environment too.  The next time I see a plastic bag wrapped around a tree limb or wafting through the evening air, I'll think of this stupid, thoughtless dick.

When he opens the Doritos bag, it stuns him with a weird glowing light and the sound of angelic music, like the freaking Holy Grail (or at least a Wonka Golden Ticket) is to be found inside.  And THEN it gets REALLY stupid, because a hand comes out of the bag holding about three ounces of ground cow held together by grease and a cheese-infused crunchy thing that really only tastes good if you are drunk or high. (I've heard this from people; no first-hand experience, mind you...)

Anyway, the result of all this Dumb is that Overweight Slob has found a new way to subtract years from his life in the form of a Taco Bell Loco Dorito Insert Any Additional Faux-Spanish You Like Here Dollar Menu Crud Special.  The look of contentment on his face at the ad's conclusion would be priceless, if it wasn't so depressing.

Not as depressing as the Pretty Young People tweeting how gosh darned epic Taco Bell's latest Obesity Promoter is.   But I'll be getting to that one eventually, promise.

I guess this is preferable to "Brains, Brains, Brains..."

This used to be such a pretty song.  For those of you who don't remember, it's about a lovesick young man suffering the torture of unrequited love.  In the real world- cruel, harsh, intensely unfair- he can't be with the woman of his dreams.  But in his daydreams, he can hold her and tell her that he loves her, and he can imagine that she is holding him and returning that love.  Sweet, and Universal.

Ah, but this is the 21st century, and there's electronic crap to sell.  So now the song is sung by glassy-eyed zombies staring at their portable televisions---errr, "streaming devices."  Which device is being sold here?  Well, do we even care anymore?  And if so, why?

What a drugged-up culture we've created here.  A culture in which happiness is being able to download any video you want, any time you want to.  And watch it anywhere and everywhere.  And when you are done, watch something else.  Ad nauseum.

That would all be bad enough, but do we have to trash perfectly good classic songs in order to celebrate our addiction to electronic eye candy and a lifestyle that worships moving as little as possible?  Is this really all there is to life- "Stream, Stream, Stream?"  I mean, it's not like television and movies have gotten more worthy of our attention over the years.

But, who am I kidding?  In a society which is becoming increasingly Disconnected in the name of Connectivity, expressing undying love for the electronic device which never criticizes you, never talks back, and exists to pour junk into your brain is just par for the course.  I'm the outsider here, and I know it.  Not going to stop me from commenting on the carnage I see scattered all over the landscape,  though.

Geico Jumps into the Racism Pool

Look, I'm not the kind of person who screams "Racism" every five minutes, or walks around with a massive chip on his shoulder and blood in his eye, waiting to take offense at everything and anything, just looking for a excuse to feel slighted so I can spout off at some imagined insult.

But every once in a while, Racism just reaches out and slaps me across the face.  In more than 700 posts in the past three years, I've commented on it maybe four or five times.  It always draws a crowd to this site, and stirs an argument- my post on State Farm's "Perfect Girlfriend/Perfect Boyfriend" commercial has drawn more than 8500 hits and 37 responses to date.  I'm not trying to stir anything up here, but damn it, I have to call them the way I see them.

There are several of these stupid Geico "taste test" ads out there nowadays.  In one, a pregnant woman happily consumes an unknown, unidentified liquid handed to her by an anonymous dullard in the middle of a mall (this one really astounds me- would  a pregnant woman really do this?  Without even asking the ingredients of the strange liquid? Really?)

But this particular episode in Geico's latest ad campaign really annoys me. Someone please explain to me why the black guy is transformed from a perfectly articulate, sensible-sounding consumer into a dribbling idiot incapable of expressing his distaste for the "Brand X insurance" by using a vocabulary he demonstrated moments before drinking whatever mystery liquid he was offered.  Someone tell me that while the willing dupes in every other ad maintained the power of speech after being told that Geico was the better bargain, this guy can only manage to coo some stupid, juvenile noise- what the hell is this, anyway?

I'll tell you what it is.  It's Fail on an Epic scale.   The black guy can't speak after drinking the "wrong insurance" because it's "funny" to see "those" people acting like clowns for our entertainment.  If this commercial went on another minute, I think we might see this guy break into a tap dance.  Maybe juggle. Because "they" are so silly AND musical, you know.

Come on, Geico.   I didn't think it was possible for you to sink lower than Cavemen, stupid talking lizards, or stacks of bills with eyes glued to them.  Actually, I didn't imagine you'd even try.  But you manage to pull it off with this commercial, which just makes me cringe and lunge for the remote whenever it comes on.

Maybe this guy's wife should be introduced to the "personal assistant?"

Ugh, can you believe this crap?  Entitled White Jerk with his tricked-out upscale suburban LookAtMeMobile suddenly realizes- thanks to snarky little offspring in the back seat- that he forgot his wedding anniversary.   He learns it because Daddy's Little Eavesdropper overheard Mommy say that he was going to be "sleeping in the doghouse tonight."

Time out.  Did this kid really overhear his Mom say something like that to a neighbor, or a friend on the phone?  Or did she actually tell her Son that Daddy is a thoughtless, heartless, forgetful prick and he won't be sharing a bed with Mommy tonight?  Because if it's the latter, this family really has issues that a romantic dinner at a ritzy restaurant is not going to fix.

Back to the commercial.   Ok, now, this could happen to anyone.  What this would normally result in is some hurt feelings, maybe an argument, a realization that it's the marriage and the life these three people share that's really important and not the willingness to spend a wad of cash commemorating the day that the ceremony takes place every single year.  That's if this is a real family and if this kid's parents are actual adults....

Daddy assumes that he and his wife are not actual adults, because he pushes a button and contacts his "Personal Assistant."  He informs the disembodied voice that "I forgot my anniversary, can I get reservations at (Insert inaudible name of pretentious fern restaurant here?)"

Second time out.  Why does this guy feel the need to A) tell the disembodied voice that he forgot his anniversary?  Why is that information necessary?  and B) tell his SON IN THE BACK SEAT, who has already been proven adept at passing on information delivered to him by one of his non-adult parents, that Daddy forgot the anniversary?

Back to the commercial.  The "Personal Assistant," who I'm sure once had dreams of having a job that didn't include catering to the upscale pigs who will be first in line for the guillotine when the Revolution finally gets it's act together, quickly cheerfully and chirpily Makes Everything Better in four seconds flat by making the reservation that Dumbass Daddy couldn't manage to handle on his own despite the fact that the f--ing day falls on the same f---ing date every f---ing year.

I can only imagine that the "Personal Assistant" will now find Just the Right Trinket for Daddy to hand off to Mommy halfway through dessert at the Restaurant Daddy Failed to Make Reservations At.  Maybe Daddy will at least refrain from checking the scores on his cell phone during the Lovely Evening He Didn't Set Up.

Personally, I don't think Daddy should be able to get away with this just because he's got the dough to afford this level of technology.   I really hope the little moppet in the backseat spills the beans the moment they get home.  Better yet- I hope the "Personal Assistant" gives Mommy a call and "innocently" lets her know how "glad" she was to be able to help save Daddy's worthless ass from the wrath of Mommy.  Wish I could be there when THAT went down.

Is there a FreePregnancyReport.com?

The parents of this girl should count their blessings.  They handed her a credit card which was apparently in her name only, so when she went on a massive spending binge, they didn't have a clue.  No warning calls from the credit card company, no "suspicious activity" alerts.  Clearly they didn't bother to have the "now this is just for emergencies, we are putting a lot of trust in you because you are an adult now" speech.  And apparently Daughter got the only bill.  Otherwise, I don't get why the people who provided this girl with a credit card would have to go to FreeCreditReport.Com in order to find out what was happening with that card.  Seems to me they could have just called the bank anytime to check the balance. 

Anyway, it seems that the parents were almost astoundingly naive about their Little Girl, not to mention foolishly careless with their own credit, and the only price they'll have to pay is in the form of money.

So why should they count their blessings?  Well, check out this girl- she's actually quite cute.  So she's willing to throw money around, wear skimpy outfits, and have wild parties in her dorm room.  Mom and dad?  Breathe a sigh of relief that all she's handed you is debt, and not the news that she'll be dropping out at the end of the semester to deliver up your first grandchild.  Or that she's in her first series of shots to control her STD.   Because even without the free spending, I can see this girl being very popular on campus.

Having dodged that bullet, I'd take a moment to issue a quiet prayer.  Then I'd haul this Not Ready To Be On Her Own party girl back home and tell her she'll be commuting to the local college if she wants to continue her adventures in Higher Education.  If not, she can get a job and start paying Mom and Dad back for her month of excess.  Because relief only lasts so long, and this girl clearly has a lot of growing up left to do.

And it really conceals that freshly-dug grave, too!

Garden in a Box?

It's official.  The world is coming to an end.  And in my humble opinion, not a moment too soon.

No doubt from the people who brought you microwaveable pizza rolls, the Buttoneer and that thing that scrambles the egg while it's still inside it's shell.  Or maybe the guys who have sold us millions of Chia pets over the years.  In fact, isn't this Roll and Grow thing just a Chia Pet for your lawn?

"Don't have any actual interest in being outside and getting dirty engaging in a healthy hobby on the weekends?  Don't see the value of pride in a job well done?  Don't have Clue One what kind of plants you might like to use to express your own personality, making your house stand out in the neighborhood?  Only really interested in showing well for your neighbors?* Well, introducing Roll and Grow!!

"Now you can say 'FU' to all that thinking, planning, and accomplishing something BS- it was always overrated anyway.  Just roll this mother out on your lawn, water it liberally, and watch the damn thing grow without any further input on your part (apparently the lady shown here watering her seed-embedded green carpet ordered the deluxe version, because the damned thing explodes into growth AS SHE'S WATERING IT OMGOD IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF MUTATION!!)"

Oh, and because it's "like cloth" ("like" in this case meaning the same as "is") you can cut it to fit around corners, etc.  Well, that's kind of a pain- when are they going to come out with a version pre-fitted to my lawn?  Tomorrow? Awesome.

I didn't watch this whole commercial, but I think it's safe to assume that there all kinds of nifty extras you can add to your order if you call RIGHT NOW- extras that are ABSOLUTELY FREE (just pay exorbitant Shipping and Handling fees.)  So someone tell me- what are they?  An extra ten yards of Not Garden?  Maybe one of those hanging banana trees?  Actual Chia Pets?

I've actually read a few reviews of this and similar products- apparently the plant growth is spotty, leaving ugly blank spots around the almost-as-ugly Flowers You Didn't Bother To Plant, You Lazy Twat.  Seems like a reasonable payoff- do something half-assed, get a half-assed result.  What's the problem?

Here's the problem- I've got a Mom and Dad who are in their early-eighties who spend an average of six hours a day doing yard work around their country home.  And I don't mean spreading out a carpet of seeds and watering it.  I mean real work- planting, weeding, watering, fertilizing (using home-made compost, yet.)  And not just flowers- they have a huge vegetable garden which requires the placement and maintenance of bean poles and a chicken-wire fence to keep out the hungry critters, more weeding, more watering, etc.  I won't even mention the work involved in bringing in the harvest as it ripens.  All I do is mow their lawns (I'm sure there's a robo-mower out there for me.  I don't want it) and THAT'S a chore.

The end result is that they have beautifully landscaped lawns with gorgeous flower and vegetable gardens, and at the end of the day they can stroll around it with pride (if they aren't too exhausted) because THEY DID IT THEMSELVES.

Roll out a carpet, water it, and get someone else's idea of what a flower garden looks like?  Then what?  Go inside, whip yourself up a batch of instant potatoes and a frozen pizza for the kids while you fight over the DirectTV remote?  Hey, maybe you can get someone to do two of those things for you.  Life is sooooo hard, after all.

*Strongly Recommended:  Install your Roll and Grow system at night.  Not because it's healthier for the seeds, but seriously- do you really want your neighbors to see you doing this?

Another Talking Bag of Rocks, brought to us by AT&T

I'm consistently amazed at AT&T's ability to find the most unlikeable people to "star" in their commercials for Talk and Data Plans Which Let You Blather On and On and On Forever About Nothing.  Then again, what could possibly be likeable about anyone who would take advantage of an "offer" like this?

This woman has landed a bit part in a bit movie- "customer number four" or something like that- so she's decided to drive everyone around her insane by yapping away about it to anyone who will listen and, probably, to a great many people who won't.  So she's polluting the air as she walks down the street with her "check out how awesome I am" cluelessness.  She's driven away the other gym patrons with her utter asshattery.  She's at the laundromat, letting everyone within earshot of her horrible, grating voice know that she's a swollen-headed blabbermouth who has no idea how idiotic she looks.  She fails to give us what we want and just drop the damned phone into the bathtub and destroy it (wouldn't that be bliss?)  And then she's in bed, indulging in her "I'm a real actress so I get to be all pretentious about this are you still there?" nonsense.   And we get to witness it all. 

Thanks, AT&T, for hiring pretty much every mentally disturbed motor mouth in the world to appear in your awful ads.  They don't make us want to buy your product, but they do provide us with the comfort of knowing they are all in the same place, at least- and that place is far away from where I am.  Just one thing- you haven't found them all yet.  There are plenty of subjects to appear in future commercials, right down the street from me, on the subway, in the stores, etc.  Shall I give them your number- that is, if I can get them to put down their phones long enough to pay attention?