Hallmark, Mother's Day, and the Sledgehammer of Guilt are upon us

In a few days it will be Mother's Day, the Mother of all the Guilt Trip "Holidays" Hallmark, Kay Jewelers and countless other bloodless corporations like to toss at us every few months.   Which means it's time to reach into our wallets and pay through the nose for Teddy Bears, Chocolate Roses, and all the other pointless, showy junk that somehow is supposed to send the message "I Love You" to the women who brought us screaming into this world.  Not for bringing us into this world, mind you- because performing that service wasn't doing us any favors.  It's for all the stuff she's done for us since. 

Time to remember all those things Mom Didn't Have To Do For Us, but Did Anyway, without Any Thought of Reward.  Stuff like feeding us and bandaging our scraped knees and rubbing Vicks on our chests and keeping Kraft Mac' n Cheese far, far away from the dinner table.   Because we don't usually remember these things until we are reminded by Mother's Day commercials.  Because we are jerks and need not-so-gentle nudges from the Commercial Fairy, and aren't we fortunate she exists to let us know when it's time to spend again?

Anyway, this especially treacly, manipulative dollop from Hallmark tells us that all our mothers really want is to be told that they are important.  Or that they are "doing this right."  Or that they are in our thoughts.  Or that they are beautiful.  Or that we still remember that they exist, at least on the second Sunday in May, promise.  And how do we carry out this For Some Reason Very Important task?  Well, as far as Hallmark is concerned, it's by dropping in to the nearest drug store and grabbing a One Size Fits All card off the shelf and mailing it to her.  Be assured that she'll treasure it forever- or at least, until garbage day.

Because really, there's nothing warmer than a piece of paper upon which is typed a poem, or pithy saying, written by someone who has never met your Mom and never will.  You can make it extra personal by signing your name to the bottom of it.   Does the post office still sell those "LOVE" stamps, because that would be the icing on the cake, wouldn't it?

As usual, I'm going to be 540 miles away from my mom on Mother's Day.   I'm not going to be sending her a Teddy Bear (because she's not five years old) or a bouquet of roses, real or plastic or chocolate.  I'm not even going to be sending her an Approved By Committee Hallmark card.  I'll just give her a call, like I do pretty much every weekend anyway.  Sorry that doesn't add a whole lot to the economy, but I wasn't raised by someone who sees spending money as evidence of love.   I guess I'm just lucky that way, and I chose my mom very wisely.

What she got with that MRS Degree

Many, many springs ago- seems  like a thousand, but it was probably only around ten- the Mother Bear in these ads was curled up in a corner with an AP US History book pressed up against her knees.  She was taking probably her fifth or sixth practice test, or maybe she was scratching out yet another essay to hand to her teacher for review.   She was worried that she couldn't seem to get more than 55 out of 80 Multiple-Choice Questions right,  but at the same time she was proud that her essay grade average had improved considerably since the first semester, the previous September.

Of course, her principle goal was to simply PASS her very first Advanced Placement exam (at her school, tenth graders took the US History Test, 11th graders took European History.)  Beyond that, she knew that the college she hoped to attend only accepted 4s and 5s for credit-- if she merely passed with a 3, that would be quite an achievement for such a young bear, but not enough to allow her to avoid Freshman History at the local University.  Her teacher assured her that college history could be a fun and wonderfully educational experience and that she should view the Advanced Placement Test as a way to sharpen essay-writing and test-taking skills and not worry about her grade, and she understood this; still, she really wanted to get that 4.  Or maybe even a 5, wouldn't that be amazing?!

The May morning which saw this bear take the exam has come and gone, and was followed by other springs spent sitting on floors with prep books and other May mornings filling out ovals and scribbling out essays.  Each exam came with it's own little package of anxiety, excitement, and relief.   Chances are, the actual scores soon faded into memory,  and in a short while the whole exercise was filed away with all the other experiences that make up a Young Bear's life, to be remembered in fuzzy blurs, or not at all.

And on this May morning, which seems like a thousand years later but is probably only around ten, that not-as-young-as-she-used-to-be bear is acting as Inspector of her Son's Butt, making sure there aren't any pieces of bathroom tissue he missed when he wiped himself.  If he did a good job, maybe he'll get a medal (he's got one on a few of the package labels, I kid you not.  It reads "No. 1," which makes ZERO sense when you remember how he earned it.)

I wonder if this Mommy Bear ever experiences moments of introspection.  For her sake, I kind of hope not.  Because it would be cruel for her to spend any time thinking back to those spring days with her AP prep books, those extra nights of studying, that last evening of butterflies before the test, as she checks her son's ass for tissue bits for the fourth or fifth time on THIS spring day.   When Daddy Bear comes home from the office after a hard day of work, he doesn't need to be met by a Mommy Bear quietly weeping in her favorite chair as Son watches his favorite video, his reward for getting all the paper off.   He just wants his dinner, and some gratitude for his willingness to provide All This.

"Loco" referring to the condition you'd have to be in to enjoy this crap

I'll admit that I really wanted to snark on the new Taco Bell Locos Doritos Greasy Meat and Cheese Not-Sandwich commercial in which half a dozen disgusting losers tweet their homages to this disgusting non-food, but I couldn't find it.  I'm sure it will show up on YouTube eventually, be proclaimed as Epic by the drooling children who post there, and then it will be good times all around.   But until then, I'll just have to be satisfied to point out a few really stupid moments in this minimalist attempt to get us excited about Taco Bell's latest effort to convince us that there's something attractive about fatty, oily hamburger meat mixed with onions and spices and served on a large snack chip.

Fat doofus sits on a park bench and pulls a tiny bag of Doritos out of a slightly larger plastic grocery bag which contains nothing else.  This means that when jerkwad put down his dollar to buy eight cents worth of preservatives, salt and artificial flavoring, he insisted on having it bagged- so he could have two future landfill contributions to chuck after he finished eating his 11 Doritos, I guess.   So he's not satisfied with polluting his body with this junk; he has to punish the environment too.  The next time I see a plastic bag wrapped around a tree limb or wafting through the evening air, I'll think of this stupid, thoughtless dick.

When he opens the Doritos bag, it stuns him with a weird glowing light and the sound of angelic music, like the freaking Holy Grail (or at least a Wonka Golden Ticket) is to be found inside.  And THEN it gets REALLY stupid, because a hand comes out of the bag holding about three ounces of ground cow held together by grease and a cheese-infused crunchy thing that really only tastes good if you are drunk or high. (I've heard this from people; no first-hand experience, mind you...)

Anyway, the result of all this Dumb is that Overweight Slob has found a new way to subtract years from his life in the form of a Taco Bell Loco Dorito Insert Any Additional Faux-Spanish You Like Here Dollar Menu Crud Special.  The look of contentment on his face at the ad's conclusion would be priceless, if it wasn't so depressing.

Not as depressing as the Pretty Young People tweeting how gosh darned epic Taco Bell's latest Obesity Promoter is.   But I'll be getting to that one eventually, promise.

I guess this is preferable to "Brains, Brains, Brains..."

This used to be such a pretty song.  For those of you who don't remember, it's about a lovesick young man suffering the torture of unrequited love.  In the real world- cruel, harsh, intensely unfair- he can't be with the woman of his dreams.  But in his daydreams, he can hold her and tell her that he loves her, and he can imagine that she is holding him and returning that love.  Sweet, and Universal.

Ah, but this is the 21st century, and there's electronic crap to sell.  So now the song is sung by glassy-eyed zombies staring at their portable televisions---errr, "streaming devices."  Which device is being sold here?  Well, do we even care anymore?  And if so, why?

What a drugged-up culture we've created here.  A culture in which happiness is being able to download any video you want, any time you want to.  And watch it anywhere and everywhere.  And when you are done, watch something else.  Ad nauseum.

That would all be bad enough, but do we have to trash perfectly good classic songs in order to celebrate our addiction to electronic eye candy and a lifestyle that worships moving as little as possible?  Is this really all there is to life- "Stream, Stream, Stream?"  I mean, it's not like television and movies have gotten more worthy of our attention over the years.

But, who am I kidding?  In a society which is becoming increasingly Disconnected in the name of Connectivity, expressing undying love for the electronic device which never criticizes you, never talks back, and exists to pour junk into your brain is just par for the course.  I'm the outsider here, and I know it.  Not going to stop me from commenting on the carnage I see scattered all over the landscape,  though.

Geico Jumps into the Racism Pool

Look, I'm not the kind of person who screams "Racism" every five minutes, or walks around with a massive chip on his shoulder and blood in his eye, waiting to take offense at everything and anything, just looking for a excuse to feel slighted so I can spout off at some imagined insult.

But every once in a while, Racism just reaches out and slaps me across the face.  In more than 700 posts in the past three years, I've commented on it maybe four or five times.  It always draws a crowd to this site, and stirs an argument- my post on State Farm's "Perfect Girlfriend/Perfect Boyfriend" commercial has drawn more than 8500 hits and 37 responses to date.  I'm not trying to stir anything up here, but damn it, I have to call them the way I see them.

There are several of these stupid Geico "taste test" ads out there nowadays.  In one, a pregnant woman happily consumes an unknown, unidentified liquid handed to her by an anonymous dullard in the middle of a mall (this one really astounds me- would  a pregnant woman really do this?  Without even asking the ingredients of the strange liquid? Really?)

But this particular episode in Geico's latest ad campaign really annoys me. Someone please explain to me why the black guy is transformed from a perfectly articulate, sensible-sounding consumer into a dribbling idiot incapable of expressing his distaste for the "Brand X insurance" by using a vocabulary he demonstrated moments before drinking whatever mystery liquid he was offered.  Someone tell me that while the willing dupes in every other ad maintained the power of speech after being told that Geico was the better bargain, this guy can only manage to coo some stupid, juvenile noise- what the hell is this, anyway?

I'll tell you what it is.  It's Fail on an Epic scale.   The black guy can't speak after drinking the "wrong insurance" because it's "funny" to see "those" people acting like clowns for our entertainment.  If this commercial went on another minute, I think we might see this guy break into a tap dance.  Maybe juggle. Because "they" are so silly AND musical, you know.

Come on, Geico.   I didn't think it was possible for you to sink lower than Cavemen, stupid talking lizards, or stacks of bills with eyes glued to them.  Actually, I didn't imagine you'd even try.  But you manage to pull it off with this commercial, which just makes me cringe and lunge for the remote whenever it comes on.

Maybe this guy's wife should be introduced to the "personal assistant?"

Ugh, can you believe this crap?  Entitled White Jerk with his tricked-out upscale suburban LookAtMeMobile suddenly realizes- thanks to snarky little offspring in the back seat- that he forgot his wedding anniversary.   He learns it because Daddy's Little Eavesdropper overheard Mommy say that he was going to be "sleeping in the doghouse tonight."

Time out.  Did this kid really overhear his Mom say something like that to a neighbor, or a friend on the phone?  Or did she actually tell her Son that Daddy is a thoughtless, heartless, forgetful prick and he won't be sharing a bed with Mommy tonight?  Because if it's the latter, this family really has issues that a romantic dinner at a ritzy restaurant is not going to fix.

Back to the commercial.   Ok, now, this could happen to anyone.  What this would normally result in is some hurt feelings, maybe an argument, a realization that it's the marriage and the life these three people share that's really important and not the willingness to spend a wad of cash commemorating the day that the ceremony takes place every single year.  That's if this is a real family and if this kid's parents are actual adults....

Daddy assumes that he and his wife are not actual adults, because he pushes a button and contacts his "Personal Assistant."  He informs the disembodied voice that "I forgot my anniversary, can I get reservations at (Insert inaudible name of pretentious fern restaurant here?)"

Second time out.  Why does this guy feel the need to A) tell the disembodied voice that he forgot his anniversary?  Why is that information necessary?  and B) tell his SON IN THE BACK SEAT, who has already been proven adept at passing on information delivered to him by one of his non-adult parents, that Daddy forgot the anniversary?

Back to the commercial.  The "Personal Assistant," who I'm sure once had dreams of having a job that didn't include catering to the upscale pigs who will be first in line for the guillotine when the Revolution finally gets it's act together, quickly cheerfully and chirpily Makes Everything Better in four seconds flat by making the reservation that Dumbass Daddy couldn't manage to handle on his own despite the fact that the f--ing day falls on the same f---ing date every f---ing year.

I can only imagine that the "Personal Assistant" will now find Just the Right Trinket for Daddy to hand off to Mommy halfway through dessert at the Restaurant Daddy Failed to Make Reservations At.  Maybe Daddy will at least refrain from checking the scores on his cell phone during the Lovely Evening He Didn't Set Up.

Personally, I don't think Daddy should be able to get away with this just because he's got the dough to afford this level of technology.   I really hope the little moppet in the backseat spills the beans the moment they get home.  Better yet- I hope the "Personal Assistant" gives Mommy a call and "innocently" lets her know how "glad" she was to be able to help save Daddy's worthless ass from the wrath of Mommy.  Wish I could be there when THAT went down.

Is there a FreePregnancyReport.com?

The parents of this girl should count their blessings.  They handed her a credit card which was apparently in her name only, so when she went on a massive spending binge, they didn't have a clue.  No warning calls from the credit card company, no "suspicious activity" alerts.  Clearly they didn't bother to have the "now this is just for emergencies, we are putting a lot of trust in you because you are an adult now" speech.  And apparently Daughter got the only bill.  Otherwise, I don't get why the people who provided this girl with a credit card would have to go to FreeCreditReport.Com in order to find out what was happening with that card.  Seems to me they could have just called the bank anytime to check the balance. 

Anyway, it seems that the parents were almost astoundingly naive about their Little Girl, not to mention foolishly careless with their own credit, and the only price they'll have to pay is in the form of money.

So why should they count their blessings?  Well, check out this girl- she's actually quite cute.  So she's willing to throw money around, wear skimpy outfits, and have wild parties in her dorm room.  Mom and dad?  Breathe a sigh of relief that all she's handed you is debt, and not the news that she'll be dropping out at the end of the semester to deliver up your first grandchild.  Or that she's in her first series of shots to control her STD.   Because even without the free spending, I can see this girl being very popular on campus.

Having dodged that bullet, I'd take a moment to issue a quiet prayer.  Then I'd haul this Not Ready To Be On Her Own party girl back home and tell her she'll be commuting to the local college if she wants to continue her adventures in Higher Education.  If not, she can get a job and start paying Mom and Dad back for her month of excess.  Because relief only lasts so long, and this girl clearly has a lot of growing up left to do.