Fiber One, Husband Zero

Let me see if I get this straight.

Husband is standing in the middle of his driveway in his bathrobe, cradling a box of cereal in one arm and using the other to eat a bowl of said cereal.

Weird Colonial Indian Guy With British Accent strolls by and engages him in conversation about how the cereal eater's wife doesn't believe that the cereal, called FIBER ONE, has fiber in it, even though it's called FIBER ONE and has this big label which says 33% DAILY ALLOWANCE OF FIBER on the box.

Somehow the guy is going to get in trouble because there's the Wife, standing behind him with a nasty look on his face.  Can I assume she's angry because her husband is standing in the driveway in his bathrobe eating his cereal instead of doing it at the kitchen table like a normal person who is not driven out of his home by his wife's refusal to accept that a cereal that comes in a box which has the word FIBER all over it?

(Anyone here know the impact of fat idiots eating cereal in their bathrobes in the driveway on the suburban housing market, by the way?  I can tell you I wouldn't purchase a home in this neighborhood.)

Can someone explain to me what happened here?  Did this guy and his wife have an argument over the fiber content of the cereal which caused him to flee the house?  Did he get so insulted at Wife's attitude that he decided to take his box of cereal and seek comfort and affirmation from the guy he saw stocking the cereal at the local Giant Food?  Did hubby take advantage of Wife's momentary absence from the kitchen to snatch a few precious moments of peace in the driveway?  What?

Why I DON'T have Life Insurance

This commercial needed a personalized rewrite, and I was more than happy to oblige.

Scene I of I:   Father and son sprawling on massive couch in massive living room in typical Suburban Palace.

Narrator: "Life Insurance Protects your family."

Son:  "Daddy, what's life insurance?"

Me:  "I'm so glad you asked, son.  You know how Daddy goes to work every morning very early and comes home very late, usually really tired, and Mommy and Daddy have the kind of loud talk that parents have in the kitchen, while Daddy's dried-out dinner is being warmed in the microwave?"

Son:  "Yeah."

Me:  "Well, you see, Son, when Mommy and Daddy got married Mommy suddenly decided that she wanted to stay at home as soon as she got pregnant with you, even though she said something very different when they were dating, and Daddy had to take extra hours at the office in order to make up the lost income so we could still afford to pay for this house, which she picked out before she decided she wanted to stay home."

Son:  "Okay.."

Me:  "Well, it's not enough that Daddy works his fingers to the f--ing bone to pay all the f--ing bills so that Mommy can do whatever she does when she's not interviewing new housekeepers and somehow using a tank of gas in the SUV every three days.  You see, it's very important that Daddy also sends money to a company downtown so that when Daddy drops dead of a heart attack at the age of 45 because he worked himself to death, You and Mommy and Mommy's New Male Friend can continue to live in this big, beautiful house with the paid-up mortgage after dancing on Daddy's grave."

Son:  "Um....are you going to die soon, Daddy?"

Me:  "Oh, don't worry,  I won't die until the policy matures.  That's my life in a f--ing nutshell.  The day it kicks in, I'll probably make my exit.  But don't worry-- like I said, you'll still have your big room and tv and X-box and Kraft Mac'n Cheese and weeks at the beach and DisneyWorld and your mom will still have her jewelery and her shopping and everything will go on just like I was still here, except Mommy will have even MORE time to do stuff other than keep my house clean and make dinner like she promised she would before she took the mask off, five minutes after we got back from the Honeymoon."

Son:  "I'm glad we have insurance."

Me:  "Of course you are.  I would be too, if I were you, or Mommy, or anyone else but me.  Now shut up, the commercial's over and Daddy would just ONCE like to watch the game in peace, which we both know is going to end the moment Mommy walks in the door."

Oh yeah Staples, this is a totally believable ad

1.  What does "Computer Broke" mean?  That's certainly the first question I would ask if I were "IT Mom."  Does it mean you knocked it off the table?  You picked up a virus trying to get around the filters to look at porn?  You spilled milk all over the keyboard?  The internet is down? What?

2.  Has anyone, anywhere, ever uttered the words "Mom, Computer's Broke?"  First of all, isn't it safe to assume that any kid between the ages of 6 and 16 knows two thousand times more about computers than any mom aged 35 and up?  Isn't a kid asking an adult for help with the computer kind of like an adult asking a kid "did you notice where I put the warranty for the new washing machine?"

3.  IT Mom has quit, because now there's Staples.  Which means that while IT Mom has quit, Made of Money Mom is still on the job.  Which I'm sure is just fine with the kids, since the computer was more than a year old and therefore hopelessly out of date anyway and really lame anyway.

4.  Tell me this isn't a commercial letting kids know how they can get a brand new computer out of Made of Money But Clueless When It Comes To Technology Mom in about fifteen minutes flat.   "Hey Mom, Computer's broke- and here's the car keys and your purse, meet you in the Caravan."   Well played, Staples.

*btw, I almost didn't even notice that this is Totally Absent Dad Mom Does Absolutely Everything When It Comes To The Family Ad # 987,435.   Not only does it no longer faze me when a commercial allegedly featuring a "family" does not show a man old enough to be married to the featured Mom, but I really don't even expect to see him anymore.  I mean, these are commercials, not sitcoms.  If they were sitcoms, Dad would be an essential part of the picture, there to look and say something really, really stupid for Mom to roll her eyes at and kids to snark on.  (In the slightly longer version of this ad, he's probably revealed as the guy who "broke" the computer. Stupid dad!)

Best Buy presents the Destroyers of the Universe....

...and wow, are they ever proud of it.

Get a load of these smug assholes.  Each one "created" some pointless, time-and-life-sucking phone add-on designed to create a billion or so witless zombie addicts who simply can't go more than thirty seconds without whipping out their stupid phones to do SOMETHING.  One of them "created the first text message."  Another invented the camera phone (thank goodness, because actual cameras are so big and bulky, not to mention how IMPOSSIBLE it is to transfer photos to Facebook, after all.)  Another added that awesome "innovation" in which your New Best Friend talks to you in a bland, flat yet mysteriously popular digital voice.

Did they all get massively rich off their Amazingly Inventive And Oh So Very Necessary Improvements?  I don't know.  Not necessarily- at the time that little light bulb went off over their heads, they might have been working for a corporation which held ownership rights over everything they came up with while f--ing around with whatever they were supposed to be doing within the four cardboard and fabric walls which made up their cubicle.  I almost hope this is true, and the only real reward these Society-ruining asses can look forward to is repeated showings of this stupid ad.

Because, let's be serious- none of the junk these guys "invented" does anything to make life even a little bit better for anyone, does it?  All these "innovations" do is make life just a little Dumber- life, and the people who seem to spend more and more of their lives squinting at the idiot boxes that fit conveniently in their hands.  Providing "connectivity."  Or something.

So- Modern-day Einsteins?  You'll excuse me if I'm not first to nominate you for the Nobel Prize, ok?  I'll be too busy adding your likenesses to my Museum of Worthless Morons Who May Have Gotten Rich Making Everyone Around Me Spoiled, Clueless, Helpless Dickwads. .  Thanks for nothing.

It's that time of year again- I'm off to Louisville!

Regular readers of this blog- and those who know me personally- are already aware that every year I spend the first week of June in Louisville, Kentucky with 1200 other history teachers from all over the United States, grading Advanced Placement US History Exams within the spacious confines of the Kentucky Convention Center.

It's just about my favorite week of the year- a week I get to spend in a wonderful little city with great museums, hiking trails, and a AAA baseball team which for four straight days while I'm in town will be playing the Durham Bulls.  All this comes after 8 hours per day of grading essays, of course- but the factory whistle blows at 5 PM and then it's time to hit the town.   And when I'm ready to turn in, it's in a luxury hotel where they treat you like royalty.

Because I really, really like Louisville, I'm not going to trash this commercial too harshly.  It's kind of a cute take-off on those Viagra ads we all know and love so very much.  Louisville is so fun, with it's views of the Ohio River and the opportunity to eat dinner on a real Steamboat and the Muhammad Ali Cultural Center and the Louisville Bats Museum and an awesome fossil bed hidden right over the bridge in Indiana, you may experience "over excitement" and unfamiliar feelings of contentment and something that you used to recognize as "happiness."  In other words, being in Louisville is like having sex- I get it.  Like I said, I really enjoy my week in Louisville.  But this is overselling it just a tad.

I would like to point out one unintentionally funny part of this commercial, where the narrator suggests that potential visitors ask their doctors if their hearts are strong enough for Louisville.  Considering the staple foods I see at the convention center*-- biscuits with sausage gravy, fried chicken, chicken fried steak, etc.- this is actually a pretty good idea.  And considering that the average Louisville resident seems to be about fifty pounds overweight, it's advice not taken by the locals.

So that's as close as I'm going to come to knocking this wonderful little city.   The only reason I even used this ad for a blog post was to remind my regular readers that I'll be away for awhile, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to post until I return on June 8-- depends on the internet connection in the Computer Lab in the basement of the Convention Center.  I'll give it a shot, though.  If it doesn't work out, see you in a week!

*the first year I graded APs, I gained 4 lbs in six days.  For the past few years I've taken the Vegetarian option each meal which, along with a lot of walking and using the hotel gym, has really helped.   :>)

The best part is when Megan asks the phone out for a date

Well, these two are obviously meant for each other, aren't they?

The guy is sitting by himself (excuse me- not by himself, but with his best friend, a Nokia phone with all the bells and whistles phones simply MUST come with these days if they want to be purchased by twentysomething dickwads obsessed with technology.)  Pretty girl sits down beside him, and the guy's thought process kicks in- "Woah, Megan Alert."

Instead of acknowledging Megan right away, Dickwad naturally decides he'll "draw her in" by showing off his phone, starting with it's "curve."  What the hell- really?  Then he'll "casually" move on to video, so Megan can see that he's "got lots of friends."  I find this part especially funny- it's important that Megan know that even though this rude Dweeb is being a rude Dweeb with his phone, that doesn't mean that he isn't aware of this thing called Actual Human Friends.  Just in case Megan is the kind of woman who likes that in a guy.  It's strictly optional.

"Hey, what kind of phone is that?" asks Megan, and your reaction to the guy's "Oh, Megan, when did you get here?" probably depends on your age.  If you are over, say, 35, you probably think it's not very believable that the guy could pull off pretending to be so absorbed with his phone that he would not notice Pretty Megan sitting next to him, drooling over said phone.  If you are under 35, you probably think he'll get away with it, because you know plenty of techno-creeps who become so fixated by their stupid glowing devices that it's amazing they aren't run over by buses on a daily basis ( amazing, and a great pity, too.)   Since these people both look like they belong to the younger set, chances are he's not going to have any problem pulling off the "oh hey Megan, I was so busy watching myself white water rafting with some of my Many Cool Friends that I didn't notice you there."  Personally, I'd take this as a bit of an insult, and a window into the mind of this dope that reveals nothing good.  But if Megan is as With It as this guy is, it's entirely possible she sees this as just par for the course.

So all the best, Zombie Dweeb and Potential Carbon-Based Life Form Girlfriend.  Looking forward to seeing you in all my favorite restaurants, ostensibly on a date but actually just carrying out an agreement to be in the same place as you look at your phones.  Weirdos.

100% Insulting Hot Dog Commercial

There's nothing funnier than a commercial narrated (and clearly written) by a woman which has the subject "Men: they are so Stupid and Weird, aren't they?"

In this one- I think it's # 467, 224 in the Dumb Men Being Dumb File- three intensely bored-looking guys are standing around a grill having a "conversation" about whether or not some Major League baseball player won the batting title in 1936 or 1938, or something (how many times do you want me to watch this crap?  Close enough!)  They aren't looking at each other or anything else in particular- just staring into space, as if they are just a little uncomfortable to be there, but not so uncomfortable that they are willing to sit down and spend time with Wifey and the Kids.  They sure don't look like they are having anything but a really lousy, pointless, sad, Suburban-ritual afternoon which drives them to do nothing short of re-evaluating their entire lives.

Sidebar:  I actually think that is what is going through the minds of these guys as they carry on their non-conversation concerning a baseball player who has been retired for seventy years:  Each one is conducting personal inventory, retracing his steps to discover how he got to this moment, where he's spending a perfectly nice Memorial Day standing around someone's backyard adding greasy hot dogs to his already expanding waistband, unable to come up with anything of even the slightest bit of substance to say, compelled to needle the Next Door Neighbor With Exactly The Same Life He Has with gradeschool-level teasing.  Remember that Memorial Day Weekend  when you and your girlfriend threw a cooler filled with wine and cheese and took off for the coast for 72 hours of sun, surf and sex?   If you can't, it's probably for the best.

Anyway, the tagline for this ad is something like "you can't understand men," and I suppose that if men were anything like the fat wax mannequins in Dad Clothes in this commercial, it would make perfect sense.  What is really confusing is the "100% happy" line which follows.  Do you see anyone being even 1% happy here?