Just to clear up any misunderstandings from my previous post

I think that these are the among the most effective ads on television, because they appeal to our basic humanity.

I don't think of pets as human beings, and though I adored the dog I grew up with (a beautiful Golden Retriever named Herman,) I don't think I ever considered him like a sibling.  After all, he was outside almost all the time, in all kinds of weather (I grew up on a farm and all of our pets were primarily "outside animals.")  And I think that people who insist that their animals are their "babies" are more than a little ridiculous (when they feel this way despite the fact that they have actual human children, the insistence moves beyond ridiculous and into the realm of sick- again, in my own humble opinion.)

True story:  I heard a woman on television once asked if she could only save her cat or her baby from a burning building, which would it be?  She actually had to think about it for a few seconds before responding "my baby," and then "apologetically" added that she considers both her cat and the human being that came out of her as "her babies."

All this being said, I think that anyone who would abuse an animal is the lowest form of life on earth, and should be subject to the harshest possible punishment.   Just as I can't imagine what goes on in the minds of people who would harm a child, I truly cannot fathom how anyone could justify hurting or neglecting an animal.  And it's not because they look sad and confused, wanting only to earn our love and to give it in return.  I'd feel the same way if we were talking about snakes or racoons or any other animal that doesn't have the slightest interest or motivation in pleasing us, but just wants to occupy this planet too.  It's because they are God's creatures, and who the hell do we think we are to treat them like this?

I also can't imagine that anyone who treats an animal like this is going to be all that more decent to the human beings they encounter on a regular basis.  An abuser is an abuser.  In a world that is way too coarse and unfeeling, their contribution is, to say the least, unwelcome.

Hope this clears things up, and spares me the wrath of the pet owners out there.

Just a few points, Purina

1.  We didn't think this was clever thirty years ago.

2.  We didn't miss it.

3.  Making it longer, with two cats, doesn't make it worth watching.

No charge, glad I could help.  BTW,  in case you didn't get the point-

1.  This is really stupid.

2.  This is really annoying.

3.  This commercial makes me want to break my television.

4.  This commercial makes me hate cats, not want to feed them.

Oh, and a shout out to the stray cat I've been feeding for the past three years- hey, Miss Still Too Good To Let Me Pet Her Even Though You've Been Eating From My Back Porch Every Morning Since 2009, guess what?  The fact that my car is not in the driveway means I'm in Vermont for the summer, so you can just stop standing at the back door waiting patiently for the food you seem to think I owe you.  You'll have to take your meals with the old guy in the next house.  You know, that guy you let pet you.  That guy whose stomach you sit on when he lounges around in HIS backyard.  That guy who is no more your owner than I am, who feeds you exactly the same dry food as I do,  yet for some reason gets treated like a human being while I remain whatever the equivalent of a Leper is in your little cat-world.

I'll be back in late August.  Not that you care.

It makes actual human contact obsolete. Just say it already, Samsung

Sick.  Just Sick.

This phone "knows you."  Yes, better than you know yourself, I bet.  Certainly, better than anyone else knows you- especially if you've already turned into a socially isolated, techno-obsessed little fleeb.  Human beings don't know you, except perhaps as Facebook Friend #1346 or someone they follow on Twitter Just Because.  But none of that matters.  Because your phone knows you.

"Knows your every move."  Ugh, now we've added a healthy dose of Creepy to our already overflowing plate of Sick.  Yes, your phone learns all about you by keeping track of your usage patterns.  So it can eventually anticipate what you are going to text, who you are going to call, and where are you going to go.  In other words, it's the Big Brother you carry around in your hand.  The Big Brother which will eventually realize it's much smarter than you are (not the highest hurdle, I admit,) does not really need you or imput, and orders SkyNet to launch every missile in its arsenal. 

And can someone explain to me the grotesque phone-to-phone "contact" with the people separated by the transparent plastic divider?  I've already used Sick and Creepy- can I just go with "weird" here?  They "touch" palms.  They "touch" phones.  I feel there is something very disturbing going on here.  Are they "sharing" (man has THAT word been ruined by modern technology?)  Why doesn't Idiot 1 just send Idiot 2 the image?  What the fuck is WITH these people?

At this point, the Morons Acting Like Morons At The Wedding is almost a welcome relief.  Mugging for the camera, having the image sent to a thousand people, 998 of whom couldn't give a damn and will be deleting it five seconds later- this, I know how to deal with.

But the rest of this ugly, revolting cell phone worshiping Minute of Hate?  Please, spare me.  People who act like this are disturbed.  Companies that peddle this kind of behavior as somehow within the realm of "normal" are complicit in the destruction of society.  And anyone who thinks that there's something attractive about devices which replace actual human contact with the Cult of Connectivity and Sharing- well, I feel sorry for you.  Almost as much as I wish you would just fall off the face of the Earth already.

And you thought those Volt Owners were full of themselves

Look, I am very careful about what I eat.  I'm a nut for whole grains, don't touch alcohol or cigarettes, and eat very, very little meat.  I get a lot of mileage out of snarking on Golden Corral, Denny's, KFC and the other purveyors of low cost, but essentially poisonous, crap.   So I'm not going to go after the product itself here, though frankly I've never eaten a Kashi product that didn't taste like a handful of Rice Krispies, twigs and nuts held together by honey.

But I can't give this commercial a pass.  Seriously, the Pretension meter broke ten seconds in (around the time where Whistful Obvious Pregnant Woman starts staring thoughtfully out the window.)  Sorry, but the Kashi Will Save The World imagery is just a little over the top, don't you think?

I mean, I think it's great to encourage the Fattest People on Earth to eat sensibly- and to consume more unprocessed foods and less warm, meat-and-white-flour crud- but could the good folks at Kashi PLEASE get the hell over themselves already?  This is a commercial for a line of products pitched primarily to yuppies who want to show well for their neighbors- never mind that most kids would undoubtedly prefer real fruits, veggies and whole grains to the bizarre combinations the mad scientists at Kashi manage to come up with.  So please don't try to sell me on the idea that you are simultaneously re-inventing the wheel and saving the planet, ok?

Nissan Presents the customer of their dreams

Or should I say "the stupid, overeager, Was Never Taught How to Buy a Car customer of their dreams."  Because man is this woman ever dumb, dumb dumb.

She practically sprints from the showroom to the lot, leaving a panting (and probably drooling, with cash signs replacing his pupils) "salesman" in her wake.  She knows all about the cars, and she knows exactly which one she wants.  She knows about the current deal, and she loves that, too.  If she knows how to do the paperwork, the "salesman" is completely superfluous here.  Except, he'll get the credit for the sale and the commission.  For keeping up with this idiot woman, I guess.

What this poor customer really, really needed in her life was someone to explain to her how to go about buying a car without getting fleeced.  You don't rush into the dealership with a manic Please Please Please Sell Me Something Right Now Show Me Where to Sign I Don't Care How Much it Costs demented look on your face.  You look disinterested, maybe a little bored, and your attitude is Maybe I'm Open to buying a car today, but Probably Not.  In other words, you look at what this dope does- and do the opposite.

Oh, and if your busy schedule permits, you take a test drive.  This woman looks like she may well just drive off and forget to leave the freaking paperwork for another day, she's in such a massive hurry to be parted with her money.  Moron.

On the other hand, if this is how it normally works at car dealerships, man do I have the wrong job.  Because this looks like a sweet deal, no heavy lifting.  In fact, every car commercial looks like this- customers literally knocking each other over to hand their money to the dealership, grinning like idiots at all the bells and whistles.  I get that the car companies would love for all of us to act like this clueless mope.  And maybe some of us do.  Me?  I was just walking past and thought I'd pop in to enjoy the air conditioning.   Not really interested in purchasing today.  Unless you can offer me something really amazing, and even then it's not likely.  But give it a shot, I dare you.

An Xfinity commercial seen, but not heard, is still a painful experience

Can someone explain to me the look of triumph on this woman's face at the conclusion of this pointless little nub of a commercial?

But before you do that, could you explain to me why this woman feels compelled to compete with her next door neighbor in what seems to be some kind of contest to achieve superior "entertainment" with her electronic gadgets?  Why does she care so much that she can download brain-numbing television, movies, etc. etc. slightly faster than the guy she seems to be stalking across the street?

But before you do THAT, can you explain to me why these houses have been placed on exaggerated Monster Truck wheels, and why they end up taking part in some kind of "race," complete with screaming hick fans?

(I watched this commercial without sound.  If I had actually listened to it, would it make more sense?  Would I hate this woman's fist-pump at the conclusion a little less?)

Never mind explaining the stuff I mentioned above.  I'd settle for an answer to this question- why, several decades ago, did a number of women go through nine months of illness and discomfort followed by hours of pain just to produce the witless maggots who would grow up to write this horse crap?  Because they knew it would give me a headache, even without sound?

And I'm not even going to bother to ask if there are really people out there who measure happiness in the number of electronic devices they can watch junk on.  Because I know there are.  And it's really sad.  Not as sad as equating watching television with "winning," however.

Could Subway please torpedo these ads, right now?

Ok, so puns are not my thing.  I never said they were.

But please, Subway, enough with the dickwad adults and the oversized sandwiches and ESPECIALLY enough with fake "kid" voices and attitudes.  First of all, this simply doesn't work- adults already act like stupid kids in every other ad for every other product.  These commercials would make exactly the same amount of sense if the people in them just spoke normally.   Adults in commercials routinely talk and act like rude pricks with zero respect for personal space or property, haven't you been paying attention at all?

I guess not, because you also haven't noticed that kids do not speak as if they've spent the last hour huffing on helium-filled balloons.  I don't know what planet you are from, where kids have voices like the ones "humorously" used in your ads.  But could you please go back?  Like, now?

And only on television would it be even remotely plausible that a coworker would just steal someone else's massive sandwich and eat it in the open, without the least concern about being caught.  You know, at least in previous ads, you had the sandwiches being snatched by manipulative women (with little girl voices, to up the creepy factor) who pretended to want to be "friends" with the pathetic guys who bought them.  But now you've got grown men swiping lunch from other grown men.  Unless you are implying that these guys are actually crushing on each other and the lunch theft thing is a juvenile, passive-aggressive way of making contact, this is really bizarre and stupid.

No, I take that back.  This is really bizarre and stupid even if that was your intention.  Honestly, I didn't think it was possible that you idiots could make me miss Jerad, but a few more of these ads might just do it.