This is Xfinity, and this is Depressing

This is your TV.  It's in your hand.

This is you on a lovely beach.  Watching your tv.

This is you with your family.  Watching your tv.

This is your phone.  You are texting on it, and checking your Facebook page every few seconds.  You are getting older.  So is your family.

This is your TV.  It fits right in your lap.  Until your body fat engulfs it.  No problem, just switch to your phone, which is also your tv.  Check your Facebook page.  Watch another movie.  You are getting older.  So is your family.

This is your TV.  On some planet, this is Awesome.  To a lot of people these days, that planet is Earth.

This is my planet.  I don't recognize it anymore.  I'm going outside anyway.  I don't expect to talk to anyone while I'm out there, because pretty much everyone else out there is watching tv.  Or texting.  Or checking their Facebook page.

But I'm going outside anyway.  I still like my planet, even though I sometimes feel like I'm the only one here.  I'll leave the rest of you to watch tv.  As you get older, along with your family.

Check your Facebook page lately?

More Parental Fail, Courtesy of Charter

Ah, isn't Juvenile Internet Addiction just the Cutest?

I mean, here are parents willing to give their 10-year old kid what is apparently unlimited access to everything Charter offers- blazing fast internet speeds,  practically instant downloading (eight songs in three seconds? Ehh, I suppose that's impressive.  I don't know.  I tend to download songs one at a time- literally, one day at a time, with maybe weeks between downloads.  Because unlike the juvenile knuckle-dragging droolers over at YouTube, I don't have a Pavlovian "what is that song I need that song where can I get that song" response whenever I hear five seconds of music...)

Sorry, rant over.  Back to this ad:

It's pretty clear to me that the addition of Charter to this happy home is having what are supposed to be cute, darling consequences but are to my dark soul chilling warnings of what will come if Mommy and Daddy don't repent and rein this in very, very quickly.  Timmy- who probably spent a lot of time pre-Charter playing with friends outside, riding bikes, and all that other stuff that This Childless Person Imagines that Typical Suburban Children Do- is now hibernating in his room, clicking away, downloading This Movie and That Song, getting paler and paler- and weirder and weirder.

Worried now, Parents?  I suggest you stow the shrug and do something productive about it.  How about starting with a talk with your son about balancing all this technology with other activities?  Better yet, how about yanking that computer out of his room altogether?  Seriously, why does a kid this age have to have access to all the streaming video and music he wants anyway?  Maybe I'm using the term "Parents" too loosely here- maybe "adults who happen to be living in Timmy's House with Timmy" would be more appropriate?

At any rate, I really think that these adults should get over their "this is weird but what are you gonna do?" funk and tackle this problem head on, BEFORE they wake up one day and Timmy is a surly teen who doesn't give a flying crap what they say- because after all, his REAL friends are all on Facebook anyway, and if the Parental Units were really concerned about him, why did they set him up on his own like this to begin with?

PC Matic brings us Deja Vu, all over again

Ok, I'm totally mystified here.  Someone please help me out.

Here are two almost identical commercials for a product I have snarked on previously- "PCMatic," one of dozens of BS virus protection "services" you can download straight to your computer, allegedly ridding it of the evil stuff lurking in the background slowing down your ability to stream porn (errrr, I mean, do research and run your home-based business.)  Of course, PCMatic does nothing of the kind- rather, like FinallyFast, MyCleanPC, and DoubleMySpeed, it just scares you into thinking your laptop is roughly 30 seconds away from exploding in your face so Get Your Credit Card Out Now And Download Our Crap.  And what you actually download is another set of viruses.

So if you order one of these products, you are actually paying for viruses.  But  I've said all this already.  Let's get to the point of this particular post.

As you can see if you actually watch both ads, the script is exactly the same- the ONLY difference is the sport being watched by Dad and Daughter on the TV.  And that's actually a real problem- the girl is clearly a college kid, wearing a hoodie with the words STATE rather obviously emblazoned across the front.  So the ad in which she's watching football makes sense- ok, she's cheering on her alma mater, good for her.

The ad in which she's watching baseball?  Not so much.  I mean, sure, maybe she's watching her college baseball team, which happens to be on tv, on a summer day cool enough to wear a big sweater....but I'm not buying it.

And let's say it's perfectly plausible that in one ad, these people are watching football, and in the next, they are watching baseball.  Fine.  Doesn't that mean that in a very short time, Daughter is Once Again experiencing annoyingly slow internet speeds and viruses, DESPITE the fact that she took Dad's advice that time when they were watching the game together and downloaded PCMatic?  Isn't this a good time for Daughter to stop humoring Dad's odd obsession with PCMatic and explain to him that she's the same person who took his advice last time, and look where she and her computer ended up?

Oh and BTW, notice how there is NO mention of cost in EITHER ad, or even the slightest hint that someone's credit card number has been handed over to the sponsor?   Both ads (which, again, are the SAME FREAKING AD) play out as if this is a free service (it's not.) 

Hey, maybe State's swim team will be on tv in next week's ad.  Here's some advice, Daughter- ignore your dad, go to the store, and get yourself some real anti-virus protection.  Because this- this is getting really, really old. 

They are cheering from the Shallow End, all right

There's so much to hate in this brief little, Olympics-inspired nugget of nothing, I almost don't know where to begin.  So I'll just hit on some of the lowlights:

These kids are in a massive, crystal clear (obviously professionally-maintained) pool in the backyard of a suburban mansion.  They have goggles on their heads.  Are they swimming, playing, having what used to pass as "fun" when I was a kid (and didn't have a massive, crystal clear swimming pool to play in?) HELL no.  They are leaning against the side of the pool, watching tv...

Because someone has decided that it would be a good idea to move a huge HDTV into the pool area (maybe with the misguided thought that if the tv were out there, it would encourage the kids to stay in the pool and exercise and enjoy the outdoors instead of hibernating in the dark living room.)  So the disgusting knobs who own the pool and the suburban palace also have no problem moving expensive electronic equipment around for the convenience of their kids.

Little girl is lecturing these kids on how "good they have it."  Jesus, I'll say.  But it's supposed to be "cute," you see, because her own memory of the Good Old Days is the 2008 Summer Olympics when, I can only imagine, this girl had to somehow get through being in the pool without being able to watch the games at the same time.  Which means she TVO'd it.   If she were an adult reminiscing about the 1996 games, she'd be talking about taping it.  You'd need grampa to actually show up and tell all these kids that sometimes people actually did things other than watch tv or plan to watch tv.  My guess is that the response would be something snarky and rude, because...

These kids are all little jerks.  Including the girl who is lecturing the stupid slacker pool boys.  Privileged, spoiled jerks.  They need that f--ing tv unplugged and put back in the house, they need the door locked, and they need to be told to stay outside and swim or find games to play in the pool until it's time for dinner.   Because it's not all about TV, all the time.

Barring that, I'd like to see that tv "accidentally" tossed into the pool when the viewing is over (and the kids are safely out, of course.)  Because it would serve the owners right for allowing this behavior to get this far.  

Phil and John's Obnoxious Adventure

According to the description on YouTube, this commercial is supposed to depict some "competition" between "two world class photographers."  Hmmmm...I don't know who Phil and John are; maybe they are actual, real-life, world-class photographers.   But all this commercial shows is two jackasses in competition to be world-class assholes.  With the contest ending in a tie.

Take a look.  Phil and John are after the "perfect shot" of what looks like an American Bald Eagle (or maybe it's a Condor.  Really, who cares?)  They are both equipped with serious photographic equipment and Range Rovers.  So they take to the great outdoors, determined to track down whatever bird this is and get the prize-winning photo which will make them famous among the 37 people who are aware that there are famous photographers, maybe get their work on the cover of Famous Photographers Magazine.  Whatever.

Anyway, they engage in really stupid, dangerous driving on narrow country lanes, fuck the locals who may be unfortunate enough to be on the road that day.  When one guy can't shake the other, he goes to Four Wheel Drive and guns it up a dirt road- wow, I'd be impressed if driving on an unpaved road wasn't something I do on a daily basis while visiting my parents in Vermont.  In my Honda Civic.  We aren't shown how many squirrels, etc. go under the wheels of the Range Rovers as they crash through the terrain, and the clear message is that it's perfectly ok to destroy wildlife if your goal is to capture it on film.  Again, whatever.

The commercial ends with one guy about to get a great shot- but then the other guy pulls up and beeps his horn, startling the bird and (I guess) ruining the first guy's shot.  First impression- Gee, what an unprofessional prick.  Second impression- unless you are an utter, clueless, classless moron, what would compel you to beep your horn when pulling up to the only vehicle within two miles like that- you didn't think the guy who owns the other car noticed your arrival?  Third impression- for all their supposed interest in nature and wildlife, these guys sure don't show a lot of regard for their subjects, do they?

After all- maybe that bird is hunting for food for it's young.  Maybe it's searching for a nesting area.  Maybe it's trying to rest.  But it can't- because it's being chased all over the fucking place by two witless douchenozzles with cameras, who (oh joy!) can follow it until it's heart explodes because they've got these awesome Range Rovers.  Makes your heart glow, doesn't it?

The only way this commercial redeems itself is if, in an epilogue, we see these idiots encounter a grizzly and it's cubs, which have become irritated by all the unnecessary noise brought into the forest by Phil and John, and Phil and John become very messy snacks for said grizzly and cubs.  Or how about Phil and John encounter a tribe of inbred hillbillies who show these two World Class Photographers exactly where they can store those zoom lenses?   Anything would be better than this crap.

When you are too cheap to spring for Champagne, I guess

I'll admit I didn't pay attention past the first thirty seconds or so of this talky ad- just enough to convince myself that it wasn't a joke.  Because it sure sounded like one when I first noticed it.

I mean, really- "Brewleywed?"  The "perfect way to say 'I Do?'"  Maybe if we've got two tasteless beer-swillers hooking up.  Even then.  I like beer, and so did the woman I married- but....."Brewleywed?"  Please.  How can a drink which probably goes great with nachos, burgers and curly fries be the "perfect way" to do anything as important as proposing, an important moment which should be approached in a much more solemn manner- say, on the JumboTron in front of 45,000 strangers who couldn't give a flying damn.

The idea is soooooo stupid, I don't even want to hear this guy's explanation for creating it and putting the beer in what looks like a champagne bottle.  I don't want to hear about the quality of the hops or how it's for that super special occasion or how everyone will love and remember it (remember it, I'm sure- as in "can you believe they served that stuff?  What- it WASN'T a mock-up?  That was for real? No kidding??")  I will admit to being impressed by his ability to talk for a full minute with a straight face about "Brewleywed." 

Brewleywed.  This is a joke, right?  No?  You're Serious? Brewleywed?  Come on.

AM, PM...it's intensely annoying no matter what time of day it is

Because we can never get quite enough of these "clever" commercials featuring noise which is supposed to sound like music, can we?

Be it potato chips, Kit Kat Bars, or soda fountains, there is simply nothing more attention-grabbing than hearing scruffy dopes create "music" with intensely annoying sounds, is there?

And never mind that the first time anyone attempts to replicate what these idiots are doing- at AMPM* or anywhere else, that person will be politely asked to exit the store and not come back.  Or that the employees of AMPM no doubt cringe whenever they see this ad, knowing that the knuckle-dragging zombies who stumble into the convenience store to trade in their meager wages for watery soda, beef jerky, cigarettes and lottery tickets have just been given permission by Corporate to try mixing several different types of soda in the same cup, no doubt leaving a liquid mess at the fountain every twelve minutes or so.

Too bad for them.  Because this concept is so original, so ear-catching, and so addictive that it's certain to be a massive hit for whatever billion-dollar industry happens to be holding on to AMPM as a tax shelter this month.  Especially since you can get "actors" on the cheap if you don't give them any lines.  My guess is that these particular idiots are being paid in Doritos and Face Time.

*Saw this commercial while watching an Oakland-LA game on tv, so I'm guessing AMPM is the West Coast's answer to Cumberland Farms, Stewart's, and 7-11.