"You set it up so well, so carefully....."-- The Eagles, "Lying Eyes"

If you find yourself spending so much time mopping your f---ing floor that the concept of sitting down and drinking a cup of coffee on the porch is mind-blowing,

1.  Your f---ing house is too f---ing big, you suburban mommy-wife handmaiden bubble-headed twit,

2.  You are not making effective use of your spawn.  There's one, right there on the f---ing porch, who looks more than capable of handling a mop,

3.  You need to have a talk with that jerk you married who thought that a house in the suburbs and babies would be a perfectly good exchange for your youth and sanity.  But hey, who am I kidding?  This is probably exactly what you wanted.

Oh, and BTW, I don't really believe that is actually coffee in that cup.  Neither do your kids, or your neighbors.  I doubt hubby cares, as long as dinner is on the table when he gets home.

Oh, and one more thing:  Your husband doesn't notice how clean the kitchen floor is.  Ever.

Made.  Bed.  Lie. 

Hey, Subaru: How many calories does shifting burn?

I know this Subaru ad is SUPPOSED to depict a supportive spouse/boyfriend doing everything he can to encourage wife/girlfriend to complete what I guess is supposed to be a grueling bike race.  He's making cardboard signs, he's at every turn to bleat bumper sticker slogans at her, and he's got pizza at the finish line.  Good for him.

But....I don't know why, but this whole thing comes off as forced, over the top and maybe even a little stalkerish.  I have relatives who have participated in marathons and other long-distance athletic events.  They certainly do appreciate the support of friends and family.  But the guy in this ad looks as if he's afraid that this woman is going to forget about him as she rides her bicycle.  He also acts as if he's the reason why she can make it to the end.   Maybe she's the problem- I may be wrong, but for one moment at the finish line, I get a "oh there you are,  I haven't seen or heard from you in several minutes, you got bored and went off and got a pizza you thoughtless jerk" vibe from her.  Then she sees that he's scrawled out another bumper sticker on the inside of the box, so they are all good.

I wonder if the girl really appreciates all this pushing, all this "I am part of this too"-ism from her guy.  I wonder if she appreciates the constant "you couldn't get through this without me" messages.  Most of all, I wonder if she wishes her guy were one-tenth as interested in vigorous exercise as he is in playing Supportive Spouse/Boyfriend while he drives Soon-to-Be Fat ass around in a Subaru, stopping every once in a while to wave a sign and buy pizza.

Personally, I'd settle for a "good luck, I know you can do it" kiss at the beginning of the race, and a cheer, a hug, and a ride home at the end.  And a partner who knew that the last thing I want to eat after miles of exhausting peddling and sweating is a spicy, cheap take-out pizza.   But I suspect that the guy in this ad doesn't have Clue One what a biker needs to recuperate after a serious ride, and the final scene is All About that stupid, cloying-cute sign.

I bet you could have convinced Olivia Newton-John to show up for very little cash, Nissan

Here's a Nissan Commercial using part of the song track from a 1978 musical set in the  1950s to pitch the 2013 versions of crappy Japanese cars.  I'm guessing it's supposed to be cute, and not cloying, stupid, annoying and really, really bad.  It fails.

I'm sure I could find more to snark about with this little nugget of nothing, but bad traffic meant that it took me almost 11 hours to drive 540 miles from Vermont to Maryland today, and I'm pretty out of it.  So that's all I've got.  I'm sure I'll make it up with a long-winded rant later in the week.

Even the Seriously Deranged love Honey Nut Cheerios!

This commercial turns my stomach every time I see it.  It's not because of the stupid cartoon bee-- after more than a decade, I've kind of gotten used to his innocent obnoxiousness.  And I can skip over the concept of an Actual Person having a conversation with a cartoon flitting around their head while they consume Honey Nut Cheerios.

And as someone who grew up in an era with exactly ONE version of Cheerios, I've long accepted the fact that in today's tough times, General Mills was kind of forced to tweak it's product until now there are roughly six different flavors of the iconic brand.

I'd just like to know two things:  First, I hope I don't insult any of my readers here, but what kind of freaking lunatic weirdo really enjoys sticking pins in bugs and framing them on walls where everyone who enters your house can see them?  I know this happens in real life, but seriously- even if you are a professional or amateur naturalist, shouldn't these things be confined to a den or basement, where they won't freak out visitors or small children (or any normal people?)

Second, if anyone out there does consider the collecting of gigantic bugs, moths, butterflies etc in the form of carcasses preserved under glass a legitimate hobby, would you really display them in the same room where you normally consume your meals?  Is this the kind of pleasant view you want while eating cereal or anything else?  That this woman seems to think that there's nothing unusual about displaying her Disgusting Bugs of the World Collection five feet from the dining room table- well, sorry, but this is really odd.*

Third- if your answer to both of the first two questions is "Yes," have you ever considered therapy? 

*then again, I find photos of children framed and hanging in the dining room a fine appetite suppressant, so maybe I'm not the best person to be commenting on this.

This is Xfinity, and this is Depressing

This is your TV.  It's in your hand.

This is you on a lovely beach.  Watching your tv.

This is you with your family.  Watching your tv.

This is your phone.  You are texting on it, and checking your Facebook page every few seconds.  You are getting older.  So is your family.

This is your TV.  It fits right in your lap.  Until your body fat engulfs it.  No problem, just switch to your phone, which is also your tv.  Check your Facebook page.  Watch another movie.  You are getting older.  So is your family.

This is your TV.  On some planet, this is Awesome.  To a lot of people these days, that planet is Earth.

This is my planet.  I don't recognize it anymore.  I'm going outside anyway.  I don't expect to talk to anyone while I'm out there, because pretty much everyone else out there is watching tv.  Or texting.  Or checking their Facebook page.

But I'm going outside anyway.  I still like my planet, even though I sometimes feel like I'm the only one here.  I'll leave the rest of you to watch tv.  As you get older, along with your family.

Check your Facebook page lately?

More Parental Fail, Courtesy of Charter

Ah, isn't Juvenile Internet Addiction just the Cutest?

I mean, here are parents willing to give their 10-year old kid what is apparently unlimited access to everything Charter offers- blazing fast internet speeds,  practically instant downloading (eight songs in three seconds? Ehh, I suppose that's impressive.  I don't know.  I tend to download songs one at a time- literally, one day at a time, with maybe weeks between downloads.  Because unlike the juvenile knuckle-dragging droolers over at YouTube, I don't have a Pavlovian "what is that song I need that song where can I get that song" response whenever I hear five seconds of music...)

Sorry, rant over.  Back to this ad:

It's pretty clear to me that the addition of Charter to this happy home is having what are supposed to be cute, darling consequences but are to my dark soul chilling warnings of what will come if Mommy and Daddy don't repent and rein this in very, very quickly.  Timmy- who probably spent a lot of time pre-Charter playing with friends outside, riding bikes, and all that other stuff that This Childless Person Imagines that Typical Suburban Children Do- is now hibernating in his room, clicking away, downloading This Movie and That Song, getting paler and paler- and weirder and weirder.

Worried now, Parents?  I suggest you stow the shrug and do something productive about it.  How about starting with a talk with your son about balancing all this technology with other activities?  Better yet, how about yanking that computer out of his room altogether?  Seriously, why does a kid this age have to have access to all the streaming video and music he wants anyway?  Maybe I'm using the term "Parents" too loosely here- maybe "adults who happen to be living in Timmy's House with Timmy" would be more appropriate?

At any rate, I really think that these adults should get over their "this is weird but what are you gonna do?" funk and tackle this problem head on, BEFORE they wake up one day and Timmy is a surly teen who doesn't give a flying crap what they say- because after all, his REAL friends are all on Facebook anyway, and if the Parental Units were really concerned about him, why did they set him up on his own like this to begin with?

PC Matic brings us Deja Vu, all over again

Ok, I'm totally mystified here.  Someone please help me out.

Here are two almost identical commercials for a product I have snarked on previously- "PCMatic," one of dozens of BS virus protection "services" you can download straight to your computer, allegedly ridding it of the evil stuff lurking in the background slowing down your ability to stream porn (errrr, I mean, do research and run your home-based business.)  Of course, PCMatic does nothing of the kind- rather, like FinallyFast, MyCleanPC, and DoubleMySpeed, it just scares you into thinking your laptop is roughly 30 seconds away from exploding in your face so Get Your Credit Card Out Now And Download Our Crap.  And what you actually download is another set of viruses.

So if you order one of these products, you are actually paying for viruses.  But  I've said all this already.  Let's get to the point of this particular post.

As you can see if you actually watch both ads, the script is exactly the same- the ONLY difference is the sport being watched by Dad and Daughter on the TV.  And that's actually a real problem- the girl is clearly a college kid, wearing a hoodie with the words STATE rather obviously emblazoned across the front.  So the ad in which she's watching football makes sense- ok, she's cheering on her alma mater, good for her.

The ad in which she's watching baseball?  Not so much.  I mean, sure, maybe she's watching her college baseball team, which happens to be on tv, on a summer day cool enough to wear a big sweater....but I'm not buying it.

And let's say it's perfectly plausible that in one ad, these people are watching football, and in the next, they are watching baseball.  Fine.  Doesn't that mean that in a very short time, Daughter is Once Again experiencing annoyingly slow internet speeds and viruses, DESPITE the fact that she took Dad's advice that time when they were watching the game together and downloaded PCMatic?  Isn't this a good time for Daughter to stop humoring Dad's odd obsession with PCMatic and explain to him that she's the same person who took his advice last time, and look where she and her computer ended up?

Oh and BTW, notice how there is NO mention of cost in EITHER ad, or even the slightest hint that someone's credit card number has been handed over to the sponsor?   Both ads (which, again, are the SAME FREAKING AD) play out as if this is a free service (it's not.) 

Hey, maybe State's swim team will be on tv in next week's ad.  Here's some advice, Daughter- ignore your dad, go to the store, and get yourself some real anti-virus protection.  Because this- this is getting really, really old.