Easy Decision: the most annoying commercial of the year. Thanks, Hyundai.

I know the year isn't over yet.  There are all those ads for something called The Hopper, all pitched by fat idiots with bad Boston accents.  And football season has just begun. 

Still, it's hard to imagine (scary, too) that it could possibly get worse than this.

If you managed to get through this entire ad without mentally punching this woman in the face, you are a much, much better person than I am.  If you wondered why Hyundai thought that a minute and fourteen seconds of this garbage was necessary to sell the ad's "idea" when twenty seconds would have done just fine, well, join the club.

If my mentioning the word "club" planted visions of battering the geniuses who wrote this crap into a bloody pulp....me too!

If you found yourself wondering why the guy playing the soulless, "this is the job I could get, my life is over before it even had a chance to begin, please stop making it worse" salesman doesn't just tell Idiot Not Funny At All Woman that he's going to get the paperwork going and she can get back to him when she's decided on a color, mumbling "damn time-wasting loser" under his breath as he walks away, well, he IS just an actor in a horrible car commercial, after all.

Tis the season to buy the 2012 models left on the lot, to make room for the 2013s which will be peddled to us in obnoxious, cringe-worthy ways next fall (surely those ads won't be as bad as this one, right?  Can't possibly, right?)  We'll be hearing a lot about low low low monthly payments, available to anyone with a decent credit score and the willingness to hand the dealer two years of lease payments up front. We'll be immersed in a smothering sea of stupid.  But all will be forgiven if we never, ever, EVER see this wretched "actress" doing her bit again.  Because congratulations, lady- all by yourself, you managed to elevate this Hyundai ad above all the McDonalds and Verizon and Sprint Mobile and Apple commercials I've seen this year in overall suckiness. 

Take a bow, and exit the stage.  And don't ever come back.

You saw the punchline coming from a mile away, didn't you?

It's the year 2012, and this is a commercial featuring a male and a female who also happen to be a couple.  In other words, it didn't matter HOW carefully the male concealed the phone from the female in the car.  It didn't matter HOW quietly he spoke to the mechanic.  It didn't matter HOW quickly he got the hose re-attached to the carburetor.  There was simply no WAY that

A)  The male was going to get away with (gasp, horrors) getting mechanical advice from a (bigger gasp) mechanic, or

B)  get credit for having the intelligence to call said mechanic and USE said advice.

Nope, no way.  Everyone watching this commercial who also happened to be over the age of six  knew all along that Big Stupid Male would pretend that he fixed the car His Own Self Without Any Help From Any Other Males, because that's what Impresses Females.  And everyone watching this commercial who had watched more than a total of thirty minutes worth of commercials over the past five years was equally certain that Wise, All-Knowing, Never Ever Passing Up An Opportunity to Needlessly Bring Down said male would call that guy on his own harmless BS.

Which leaves us to wonder two things- first, why did they even bother to make this ad?  Oh, right- because while men on tv never miss an opportunity to act like boastful overgrown children terrified of having to admit that they need help doing anything, watching them get cut down by their women never fails to delight and entertain the viewing audience.  After all, would it really have been SO DAMNED DIFFICULT for the male in this commercial to say "hey honey, I called my mechanic and he told me what was wrong, and I fixed it" and for the female to respond "awesome, honey- that's a great service you have on your phone, great thinking in getting it?"  Only in the land of commercials, I guess.

Second, while we weren't looking, mechanics apparently decided that they no longer wanted anyone to call for tow trucks, bring cars in for repairs, or avail themselves any of the very lucrative services provided by said auto mechanics, and instead would be providing free mechanical advice via video  from now on.  Remind me to sell my stock in Meineke and Pep Boys.

Ally's Dishonest Salute to Honesty

Sometimes, I find myself talking back to commercials.  Usually it's because the ad's messages is so damned stupid, so obviously insulting, so f--ing manipulative and so blatantly appealing to the knuckle-draggers who believe everything they see on tv.  This commercial for Ally Bank- "trust us, because we think you are all idiots"- definitely falls into this category.

So Ally asks a "random" passer-by to watch a briefcase containing $100,000.  For some reason, the random passer-by says sure.  Then the Ally spokesman walks away.  A camera is trained on the sucker who agreed to watch the briefcase.  And we Bigger Suckers are supposed to be impressed that he doesn't take any of the money.

Groan.  Where to begin?  First, no one with two brain cells to rub together would agree to accept the job of watching a briefcase filled with money without asking any questions beforehand.  Deep questions like "when will you be back for it" and "what am I supposed to do with it if you don't come back for it" and the very basic (seems to me) "why do you want me to watch this briefcase?"

Second, NO ONE would take ANY MONEY out of the briefcase because it would be patently obvious to a mentally ill box turtle that THIS IS A COMMERCIAL and I AM BEING WATCHED DUH!!  The shock would have been if Ally had managed to find someone stupid enough to open the case, take out money, and stuff it into their pockets- or just walk away.

My bottom line with this ad is:  Ally thinks people are really stupid.  Ally wants customers, but has no respect for them.  And the advertising firm Ally hired to make this insulting waste of my time is so devoid of talent that it decided to use a "Candid Camera" gag to attract those new customers.  Besides thinking that we are way too stupid to understand the concept of No Fees banking without being hit over the head with a rubber mallet.

Here's what I would do if an Ally spokesman every asked me to watch a briefcase full of money:  As soon as the idiot left, I'd open the case and start tearing the bills into pieces, one by one.  When the guy suddenly jumped out of the bushes to ask "what the hell are you doing?" I'd reply "hey, I'm watching the money.  What is your problem?"  If he protested, I'd explain that this is exactly what you should expect when you do something as dumb as handing a huge amount of money to a total stranger and then just walking away.

In the world of McDonalds, who ISN'T "smart?"

In the some faraway land I never want to visit, being "smart" means being able to read the Dollar Menu at McDonalds, figuring out that each item on the Dollar Menu costs $1, and buying stuff off that Dollar Menu.  That and being able to come up with dishonest crap responses off the top of your pointed head at a moment's notice.

This guy is sitting on a park bench, trying to enjoy his breakfast in peace in the typical McDonalds customer style- he's got a steaming hot coffee with no lid, and unwrapped food sitting there on the bench next to him getting cold.  If there is one common denominator weaving it's way through each and every one of these McDonalds Dollar Menu ads, it's the apparent determination of the actors sit like zombies with their coffee but never drink it, and never touch their food until it is ice cold.   Whatever.

Anyway, his blank, dullard Waiting For My Coffee To Cool and For the Flies to Find My Food time is suddenly interrupted by the approach of a cute but breathtakingly pretentious newcomer who feels compelled to ask him if he likes the sculpture staring him in his face.  Naturally, the question bowls him over and leaves him grasping for a good reply- not only that, but also convinced that the keen intelligence he displayed minutes earlier in making his food choices ought to now provide him with just the right answer for this person he's presumably never met.  (Personally, I don't know why "I have no opinion on the sculpture, I just sat down at this bench to eat my breakfast, you might as well ask me if I like the sidewalk because that happens to be right here too" would suffice.  That or "no, I don't care for the sculpture, but I wasn't willing to pick up this bench and carry it to one that I like more."

Instead, this guy decides that he's smart enough to vomit out some french phrase he's heard in a hundred different movies and thinks will make him sound intelligent- and because the woman is the pretentious phony I suspected she was, she responds positively to his obvious bullshit.  If I witnessed this scene in real life, I'd point out that before she assumes this guy has class and taste because he can bleat crap in another language, she really ought to check out his breakfast.  But my guess is that she's so desperate for someone to talk to, she probably noted the cheap junk he was (presumably) about to eat and thought "ooohh...brains AND taste!  I'm going after THIS guy!"

That phone is the least of your problems, lady

Here's a woman who is obviously terrified of her little girl- specifically, terrified of being seen as a "parent" rather than as a "best friend" or, as she puts it, "the bad guy."

Because mommy/best friend is so scared of getting on the wrong side of her little girl (how old is this kid?  Ten?  Twelve?  And she has her own phone and unlimited talk and text?  What the hell was this woman thinking when she agreed to this arrangement? Oh yeah- "this will prevent an argument" and "Dad won't approve, and I'll be the Good Guy again."  Maybe she's worried she'll be dumped from her daughter's Facebook Account (you KNOW this little girl is on Facebook.  All the time.)  Maybe she just can't bear that "I'm not sure if I like you or not, Lame-Ass Mom" look Daughter Who Runs The House gives her whenever Mommy says something that does not include "of course I'll buy that for you, honey."

So cringing, frightened mom wrings her hands and reenforces daughter's entirely accurate opinion of mom- that she's a spineless, easily-manipulated asshat who can be batted around like a cat toy because she simply must be popular with daughter.  Awesome.

Somehow, I don't think a brochure from the good people at CommonSense.com is going to fix this family's problems.  Maybe years of therapy, but not a brochure.  As a childless person, maybe I'm missing something, but wouldn't the easiest solution here be for Mommy to tell Daughter that she cannot use her phone as often as she has been doing, and if she fails to stay within Mommy's guidelines, the phone will be taken away?

Did I just cause heads to explode, or what?  Once again I find myself typing, "what am I missing here?"

Here's a guy who needs fifty percent of his dignity back

This is, I believe, the 208th Capital One commercial featuring Jimmy Fallon singing the merits of getting "fifty percent cash back" for using a certain credit card.  "Who doesn't like fifty percent more cash back?" Fallon always asks.  And then we are given an example of a child who doesn't care about cash or credit cards or any of the things that Fallon thinks are important because he's been hired to read a script handed to him by Capital One.

Fallon's a pretty accomplished television star, and a somewhat less accomplished film star,* which makes me wonder why he needs to do crap like this.  Then again, we've got Michael Jordan, who is worth roughly 400 billion dollars, ripping talking tags off of the shorts of fat doofuses and tossing them on grills.  We've got Shaquille O'Neal pitching compact cars.  And let's not forget Magic Johnson urging people to sign on the bottom line and empty their wallets into their nearest Rent A Center.  Still- does he really need this kind of money?

Especially since these ads are kind of counterproductive- I see them every day, and with each viewing I am reminded that if Jimmy Fallon is this annoying in a 30-second commercial, he is probably downright intolerable in a 90-minute feature film.  Therefore, I intend to avoid any opportunity to actually pay to see a film featuring Jimmy Fallon.

Not to mention that anyone who understands credit cards realizes that there's an even better way to save money than Capital One's Fifty Percent Cash Back plan.  It's to use cash.  Cash, you see, carries an unbeatable interest charge from month to month.

*I did like Fever Pitch, but I think that it was because of the subject, not its male star.

As a Greek myself, I take special exception to Yoplait's newest puddle of Dumb

Even the children over at the YouTube What Is this Song I need this Song I love this Song what is this Song brigade recognize the witless idiocy of this particular ad for the impossibly overpriced milk product known as Yoplait.

These two women are sitting roughly eighteen inches apart.  The person eating the yogurt has the cup strategically turned toward the camera which, incidentally, means turned toward her friend sitting on the bench.  Which means that the yogurt-less friend can clearly see the label on the cup.  And yet...

These two alleged adults proceed to engage in a conversation you'd expect to hear from two five year olds.  It's one step up from "Dinosaur!"  "Ball!"  "Dinosaur!" "Ball!" or the average exchange of ideas from actors in a McDonald's commercial.   For the ad to work, we are asked by Wizards of Madison Avenue to believe that

A)  Idiot blond woman thinks "Yogurt" and "Greek" must absolutely be two different things, AND

B)  Idiot blond woman simply cannot fathom the possibility that Yoplait, a company which makes Yogurt, now makes Greek-style Yogurt, AND

C)  Idiot blond woman either can't read, or is so incredibly nearsighted that it's a wonder she managed to find her way to that bench.  Maybe she thinks she's talking to someone else, about something else?

Just a thought.  Which is exactly one more thought that went into making this ad.