Today's Big Thing, Tomorrow's Lame, Out-of-Date Junk. Get used to it.

 

Once upon a time, cell phone commercials were aimed at people who did not already own cell phones- people like me, who were clinging to land lines like security blankets, and simply would not assimilate into the world of walking and talking and texting and talking and texting.

Those days are long, long gone.  For many years now, cell phone commercials have been aimed at people who ALREADY own cell phones, and are designed to convince these people that the phone they were told (by television commercials) was absolutely State of the Art and Uber-Awesome six months ago is now a retro, lame piece of crap that causes you to show badly to your friends and leaves you out of the "fun" that can be yours if only you Upgrade.

It's All About The Upgrade now.  By the time you get your new phone out of the box, there's another, slightly better model being put on display in the store you just left which renders yours Ok for Now but Just Slightly Behind the Curve.  This kind of thing- buying expensive technology which stays fresh only slightly longer than that quart of milk in the fridge- used to annoy people.  It wasn't all that long ago that a rather large population of idiots threw a hissy fit when Apple dropped the price of one of it's phones five minutes after that rather large population of idiots had handed the company their paychecks to Get It First.  I doubt that would happen today- more and more people seem to accept constant "Upgrades" as par for the course, even though it means that they are ALWAYS one step behind---well, somebody.

Of course, the makers of these things has the answer for you- just keep trading in your "old" phone for the Latest Thing.  Constantly.  Sure, it means Upgrade charges (that's the idea.)  Sure, it's just another spin on the hamster wheel called Keeping Up With The Herd.   Sure, it means landfills stuffed with "old" phones, seeping mercury into the aquifer.  But check out the slightly faster downloads, the slightly clearer screen, and the latest bell or whistle (they seem to be added One Upgrade at a Time.  They are on to their public- no more "big" changes, just tiny, subtle tweaks- more than enough, they've figured out.)

Or, just stick with your "old" phone- and be mocked by your Way Cooler Soon To Be Ex Friends.  Your choice.  Loser.

Last week, my little Nokia died.  I replaced it with something called an LG Expression.  I imagine that if I did a little research, I'd find that my new acquisition was the "It" phone for two weeks in February, 2011.  I'm not what Samsung or AT&T or Apple would call a Model Customer- but I'm getting there, right?

(Oh, and to this commercial- where is this woman hiding during the wedding and reception, where she's missing all this stuff?  Could she let me in on her trick, because whenever I have to attend one of these affairs, I'm always trying to find a place to hide until the whole horrible ordeal is over.

-Not to mention- is this what happens at receptions these days?  People take pictures nonstop and then look at them on their phones?

Oh, and-- "I get all my friends' pics as soon as they take them?"  This is something I should want?  Really?)

What does "Little" have to do with KFC, anyway?

First- the day some psychopath starts spitting chicken parts at me while giving some bullshit pep talk,  I get up and walk out.  I don't give a damn if you just bought me "lunch" (more about this in a minute.)  I don't get paid enough to have your greasy spittle showing down on me while I'm looking at this disgusting crap you just handed out.

It's called eating, swallowing, and then speaking.  Most of us learn this at the dinner table, before the age of six.  You, sir, are a pig.

Second- I actually can't believe that it took this long for KFC to come up with mini-sandwich called a "Chicken Little."  It seems so obvious, it's a wonder why it didn't make the original menu (then again, NO sandwich made the original menu, so maybe I shouldn't be all that surprised.)

Third- we all know damned well that thirty seconds after the brains at New Product Development came up with the idea of wrapping a tiny bit of pressed chicken parts held together by deep-fried batter and slapping it on a bun, the other brains at Corporate came up with the idea of Super-Sizing the "little" sandwiches.  I'm willing to bet that if I drive over to KFC right now, I'll find Chicken Little Value Meals- maybe 3-4 of these things and a gallon of soda for $5.99 or thereabouts.  Don't try to tell me that they actually expect the greasy flab brigade which makes KFC a part of it's regular routine is actually going to be popping in for one $1.29 mouthful of chicken hiding in a bun.  No WAY that's happening.   Like being "little?"  Don't eat at KFC.  Tossing down this crap might make your lifespan slightly smaller, but that's about it.

Meanwhile, this jackass could at least pass out umbrellas before he launches into his pathetic rant.  Pointy ones.  Because-- "little boy pants?"  Really? 

A Day in the Life- of a phone, and the people who love it

Dear Diary,

Mommy Daddy and I had the most awesomest day today.  First I asked Daddy  to take me into the woods so I could look for frogs.  Daddy said he had a better idea he found video of frogs on his phone and I looked at that for a while it was pretty cool.  Then I said I wanted to play a game with him, but he didn't really want to do that so he found a game on his phone where I drove a car that was pretty cool too.  I ran around with the phone for a while then I sat on the stairs and played the game and Daddy watched I think, not sure 'cause I had to keep watching the screen so I wouldn't crash.

Then Mommy and Daddy let us go outside and I splashed in the pool with some friends.  We wanted Mommy and Daddy to come in the water too but they said no we'll just take pictures.  We were kind of sad so we waved and splashed to show how much fun it was so they would come in but they took movies instead.

Mommy made dinner later on and I wanted to help but Mommy was on the phone talking to someone so she couldn't hear me.  After dinner we sat around in the living room with some other people and I wanted to talk to Mommy and Daddy but they wanted to play music on their phones and told me I should dance.  I kinda would have rather played a game but not that car game, like a board game or something but Mommy and Daddy said they were tired and they wanted to talk to their friends and show each other their phones so I danced a little bit.  Then they wanted to take more pictures with their phones.

Anyway when I went to bed they were watching stuff on their phones and taking pictures and sharing them when I woke up the next day Mommy showed me she took a picture of me when I slept and shared it with like a million people, I told her I didn't sleep well 'cause she didn't tuck me in she said that was cute and she made me say it again to the phone so she could send the video to like a hundred people.  Later on I took out a board game and asked Daddy if he would play with me he said he was crunching the numbers or something but when he was done I could play that car game again I said no thanks.

I didn't like it when I got a baby sister 'cause Mommy and Daddy gave her a lot more attention and it was like I wasn't even there anymore.  Now I wish Mommy and Daddy had never got that phone they never put it down and they never stop taking pictures and they never play with me any more I hate it.  I hope it dies.  Never mind what I said before it wasn't really an awesome day.

McDonalds Presents the simple joy of being a butt-kissing brown-noser

Ok, maybe I'm piling on a little when it comes to snarking on McDonalds, but no one asked them to make it so easy.

This guy gets the news that one of his poker buddies, a supervisor or something, is in position to give someone a big promotion.  I'm going to ignore the fact that he, his supervisor, and all the other fellow wage slaves seem to be playing cards on company time- that's just par for the course when it comes to depicting the workplace in American Commercials.

Instead, I'll just focus on what flashes through his brain a moment after he realizes that he might just get that promotion, if he plays his cards right (bad pun unintended.)  He's a "smart guy" for the reason people in these ads are always smart- because he was able to figure out how to buy a thousand calories of fatty, sugarly, salty, oily, life-shortening crap with just a few bucks (gee, why does he need a raise if he's got this kind of brain power?)  Because he's so smart, he knows that if he lays down his four queens and wins the hand- umm, what, exactly?

Oh, yeah- the supervisor is such a pompous, self-important windbag petty tyrant that he'll deny the promotion, and give it to someone else (presumably, someone with a better concept of the practice of Kissing the Boss's Ass.)

Because Mr. Mensa wants that promotion, he's more than willing to fold, beginning what I guess he hopes is several decades of stroking the supervisor's ego in similar disgusting, humiliating, dehumanizing ways.  Because it's all about the money, I guess.  So we should congratulate Brainiac for successfully launching his career as a Lickspittle Doormat, always careful to walk two steps behind his boss, losing every card game, bowling tournament and fantasy league to this guy until one of them is eligible for Social Security?

Hey, McDonalds- I get that jobs aren't exactly falling out of trees these days, Promotions are hard to come by and money, while not really all that important in the long run (when we are all dead, after all) can come in handy when you want to buy things.  I wonder if YOU get that there's nothing especially funny about watching the Birth of a Boss's Pet who thinks he's being Smart and Political but is actually just showing the world how soulless he is.  Bah, whatever- if he thinks that economizing at the Dollar Menu is a good idea, his career as a toady isn't going to be all that long, anyway.  At least that's something.

Easy Decision: the most annoying commercial of the year. Thanks, Hyundai.

I know the year isn't over yet.  There are all those ads for something called The Hopper, all pitched by fat idiots with bad Boston accents.  And football season has just begun. 

Still, it's hard to imagine (scary, too) that it could possibly get worse than this.

If you managed to get through this entire ad without mentally punching this woman in the face, you are a much, much better person than I am.  If you wondered why Hyundai thought that a minute and fourteen seconds of this garbage was necessary to sell the ad's "idea" when twenty seconds would have done just fine, well, join the club.

If my mentioning the word "club" planted visions of battering the geniuses who wrote this crap into a bloody pulp....me too!

If you found yourself wondering why the guy playing the soulless, "this is the job I could get, my life is over before it even had a chance to begin, please stop making it worse" salesman doesn't just tell Idiot Not Funny At All Woman that he's going to get the paperwork going and she can get back to him when she's decided on a color, mumbling "damn time-wasting loser" under his breath as he walks away, well, he IS just an actor in a horrible car commercial, after all.

Tis the season to buy the 2012 models left on the lot, to make room for the 2013s which will be peddled to us in obnoxious, cringe-worthy ways next fall (surely those ads won't be as bad as this one, right?  Can't possibly, right?)  We'll be hearing a lot about low low low monthly payments, available to anyone with a decent credit score and the willingness to hand the dealer two years of lease payments up front. We'll be immersed in a smothering sea of stupid.  But all will be forgiven if we never, ever, EVER see this wretched "actress" doing her bit again.  Because congratulations, lady- all by yourself, you managed to elevate this Hyundai ad above all the McDonalds and Verizon and Sprint Mobile and Apple commercials I've seen this year in overall suckiness. 

Take a bow, and exit the stage.  And don't ever come back.

You saw the punchline coming from a mile away, didn't you?

It's the year 2012, and this is a commercial featuring a male and a female who also happen to be a couple.  In other words, it didn't matter HOW carefully the male concealed the phone from the female in the car.  It didn't matter HOW quietly he spoke to the mechanic.  It didn't matter HOW quickly he got the hose re-attached to the carburetor.  There was simply no WAY that

A)  The male was going to get away with (gasp, horrors) getting mechanical advice from a (bigger gasp) mechanic, or

B)  get credit for having the intelligence to call said mechanic and USE said advice.

Nope, no way.  Everyone watching this commercial who also happened to be over the age of six  knew all along that Big Stupid Male would pretend that he fixed the car His Own Self Without Any Help From Any Other Males, because that's what Impresses Females.  And everyone watching this commercial who had watched more than a total of thirty minutes worth of commercials over the past five years was equally certain that Wise, All-Knowing, Never Ever Passing Up An Opportunity to Needlessly Bring Down said male would call that guy on his own harmless BS.

Which leaves us to wonder two things- first, why did they even bother to make this ad?  Oh, right- because while men on tv never miss an opportunity to act like boastful overgrown children terrified of having to admit that they need help doing anything, watching them get cut down by their women never fails to delight and entertain the viewing audience.  After all, would it really have been SO DAMNED DIFFICULT for the male in this commercial to say "hey honey, I called my mechanic and he told me what was wrong, and I fixed it" and for the female to respond "awesome, honey- that's a great service you have on your phone, great thinking in getting it?"  Only in the land of commercials, I guess.

Second, while we weren't looking, mechanics apparently decided that they no longer wanted anyone to call for tow trucks, bring cars in for repairs, or avail themselves any of the very lucrative services provided by said auto mechanics, and instead would be providing free mechanical advice via video  from now on.  Remind me to sell my stock in Meineke and Pep Boys.

Ally's Dishonest Salute to Honesty

Sometimes, I find myself talking back to commercials.  Usually it's because the ad's messages is so damned stupid, so obviously insulting, so f--ing manipulative and so blatantly appealing to the knuckle-draggers who believe everything they see on tv.  This commercial for Ally Bank- "trust us, because we think you are all idiots"- definitely falls into this category.

So Ally asks a "random" passer-by to watch a briefcase containing $100,000.  For some reason, the random passer-by says sure.  Then the Ally spokesman walks away.  A camera is trained on the sucker who agreed to watch the briefcase.  And we Bigger Suckers are supposed to be impressed that he doesn't take any of the money.

Groan.  Where to begin?  First, no one with two brain cells to rub together would agree to accept the job of watching a briefcase filled with money without asking any questions beforehand.  Deep questions like "when will you be back for it" and "what am I supposed to do with it if you don't come back for it" and the very basic (seems to me) "why do you want me to watch this briefcase?"

Second, NO ONE would take ANY MONEY out of the briefcase because it would be patently obvious to a mentally ill box turtle that THIS IS A COMMERCIAL and I AM BEING WATCHED DUH!!  The shock would have been if Ally had managed to find someone stupid enough to open the case, take out money, and stuff it into their pockets- or just walk away.

My bottom line with this ad is:  Ally thinks people are really stupid.  Ally wants customers, but has no respect for them.  And the advertising firm Ally hired to make this insulting waste of my time is so devoid of talent that it decided to use a "Candid Camera" gag to attract those new customers.  Besides thinking that we are way too stupid to understand the concept of No Fees banking without being hit over the head with a rubber mallet.

Here's what I would do if an Ally spokesman every asked me to watch a briefcase full of money:  As soon as the idiot left, I'd open the case and start tearing the bills into pieces, one by one.  When the guy suddenly jumped out of the bushes to ask "what the hell are you doing?" I'd reply "hey, I'm watching the money.  What is your problem?"  If he protested, I'd explain that this is exactly what you should expect when you do something as dumb as handing a huge amount of money to a total stranger and then just walking away.