Because you can't find your ass with both hands and a flashlight- Droid Does

No, my phone doesn't have the battery life (or Apps, or streaming video, etc.) which would allow me to hypnotize my kids into staring at it on a rainy day in the woods. That means I'd have to talk to them, tell them stories, or demonstrate the amazing fact that water is not deadly poison and we can actually walk around in it without dying. No, my phone will not allow me to bleat "Call Cab 4 Me" as I walk out of a store. That means I'd have to actually lift one of my arms to signal for a cab. Or take a bus. Seriously, I wonder how I've managed to survive this long. No, my phone will not bleat Meter By Meter directions as I drive down the highway. That means I have to pay attention to the road, checking those helpful (retrograde, Pre-Droid) signs to determine where my exit is. Or I could just do what I do now- leave my (also retrograde, Pre-Droid) Garmin GPS on.

No, I do not own a Droid Razr or whatever this Tool for Stunningly Helpless People is called. Which means that I actually have to do very basic, elementary things all by my little self. Until I saw this commercial, I had no idea how amazingly difficult those very basic, elementary things really were. I mean, check out these apparently functional people- they look like they would just crawl under a rock and die if they had to do anything more complicated than blow their nose without consulting their shiny, brilliant little friends.

In the breakroom the other day, I heard two math teachers discussing the problem created by eighth-graders armed with calculators: More and more often, the teachers discover that these students can't work out the simplest equations unless they have one at the ready. Their brains are simply not being trained to do anything other than punch the buttons corresponding with the numbers in the equation, letting the calculator do all the real work. Why does 171+133= 304? Because the screen says so. How did it come up with that result? Who cares?

All of these commercials for "Let Us Help You With That" Droids, SmartPhones (thank goodness the phones are Smart- they'll need to be, as our brains atrophy into pudding) encourage us to stop trying to think through or do anything ourselves. Don't look around for a cab, just bleat into this. Don't look up information up or start a conversation- just consult Ask.com. Don't think- let that thing in your hand do your thinking for you. How this results in anything other than a shamefully helpless population of Weebles (except that when we Wobble, we'll fall down- and ask our phones for detailed directions on how to get up again) escapes me. How this in any way represents "progress" is way beyond my feeble grasp. And I can't even ask my phone to explain it to me.

It's Pepsi: The Movie!

You know, I could probably go on and on about how stupid and loud this commercial is. Or how the producers must have looked at dozens of twenty-something actor wannabees before picking out the scruffy doofuses they found to perform the CGI-enhanced "stunt" which is supposed to be entertaining. I would probably include a line about how these guys are at a concert with what looks like thousands of people, yet the only refreshment available is to be found in a solitary Pepsi machine on the other side of cavern. Bullshit Alert: Concerts never lack for opportunities to purchase $8 bottles of tepid water and $12 bottles of beer. In real life, these guys would be standing in a line 30 yards long to shell out for their drinks, not stepping on heads to get to the Pepsi Machine. I invite anyone who is a regular concert-goer to write in with their own Bullshit Alerts concerning this ad. I'll just wrap up with the impression left me at the end of this commercial, and at the end of all the recent Wow Pepsi Is Hip and Cool commercials- the fact that the producers think they are so wildly entertaining, so much fun to watch, that they think we'd appreciate a little montage of Our Favorite Moments of The Last Twenty Seconds at the end. Um, gee, thanks, Pepsi. I loved the moment when the one guy pointed at the Pepsi machine, and I'm soooo glad I got to see it again in the wrap-up. Whatever.

This will bring your family "closer." Sure. Sure it will, AT&T

I've seen this commercial two dozen times, at least. I get that Mom has a Smartphone, Daughter has a Smartphone, Son has a Smartphone, and Dad has a tablet- in other words, I get that this is Over-Indulged Suburban Family Model 46-D and its spent several thousand dollars on disposable electronic junk which will be deemed "obsolete" by each member of the family inside of six months. I get that after spending all this money on these stupid gadgets, the "parents" of the family need to rationalize the ridiculous expenditure. And I get that right now, there are kids out there trying to get their parents to accept the idea that there is some value to be drawn from maxing out the credit card buying this crap to keep them happy for-- well, like I said, about six months.

Here's what I DON'T get, no matter HOW many times I see this commercial. I don't get how ANY of this junk makes the life of a family "easier." My parents had FIVE kids. Five kids, and not a single cell phone, SmartPhone, I Phone, or Tablet. Somehow we managed to find each other when it was time for dinner, time for a picnic, or just Family Time. Without any of that mechanical crap. Oh, and we managed to Share. Without buttons, glowing screens, or electronic "connectivity." We were so amazing, and we didn't even know it.

The really laughable part of this ad, like all the other "Share Everything" ads featuring parents and their children, and the part which I'm sure has kids stifling giggles all over the USA whenever it appears on TV, is the idea that what teenaged kids really want out of all this electronic garbage is a way to "connect" more easily to their parents. "See, mom, if I had a SmartPhone, we'd talk more! I could share photos with you! And you'd be able to let me know when I needed to get home!" Yeah, RIGHT!!!

Hey, Idiot Parents who at least need to be sold on the idea of breaking the bank on disposable beeping devices rather than automatically shelling out when Son and Daughter yell "JUMP!"-- when your wonderful kids show you this commercial, and then try to use the arguments I just summarized, they are playing you like a violin. They don't want SmartPhones so they can keep in touch with Mom and Dad, trust me. They want to download and watch TV and deepen their addiction to Facebook. But don't take my word for it. Go ahead and indulge them some more, while indulging YOURSELF in the fantasy that you are just a few major purchases away from knitting what you thought was supposed to be a family back together through the miracle of Connectivity. My guess is that you'll figure out your mistake about 72 hours later, and respond by purchasing the Unlimited Data Plan.

A Few Modest Proposals, from me to Sprint

1. Stop showing us families anxiously attempting to negotiate with their children things like "sharing data plans" and limiting texting and talking time. God Fucking Damn It, I am NOT a parent, but I have some passing acquaintance with a few, and I'm PRETTY SURE that there are still stable, functional, happy families out there in which Mommy and Daddy act like the adults of the house and set the rules for the spawn. Without begging. Without negotiating. It could go something like this- "Your mother and I have actual responsibilities, so we need to use the phones more often. We get that you guys like to download music and talk and text nonstop, but that's just not going to happen until you are willing to pay your share of the bill." Better yet- "you guys aren't going to be using your phones nonstop anymore. If you don't stick to the limits we've decided on, you will lose your phones entirely. And if you roll your eyes at me one more time, we won't wait for you to go over the limit, you'll lose them right now."

2. Stop showing us Dads making stupid suggestions which instantly demolish his credibility with anyone within earshot who has two brain cells to rub together and doesn't already think that dad is an All Talk, No Walk doormat we can easily talk over or ignore. "How about the most time goes to the person who has fathered the most children?" Who the hell would say such a thing in front of two teenagers? So, Dad- are you telling Son that if he wants a larger share of the data plan, he should get off his ass and start shagging fertile girls? Are you aware that Mom and Daughter are physically incapable of "fathering children?" If daughter gets pregnant, does that count toward her Data ration?

3. Stop showing us Moms who instantly take the adversarial posture against Dad. It takes the woman in this ad roughly five seconds to undercut Dad's very important point- not only does she undercut him, but she does it with a nasty, "you're bald you know" brand of cutting snark which suggests that she sees the family as four equal individuals fighting with Dad for control of the precious data time- and being one of the individuals, she's going to take her shot early. No wonder you've got two pig children who have no respect for dad, lady- they've spent enough time watching you stick daggers into him, right in front of them.

4. Stop trying to sell us on the idea that talking and texting and downloading all the time is perfectly normal, productive behavior for ANYONE. Each and every commercial for Unlimited Data and Unlimited Talk and Text promotes the concept that obsessively playing with your phone to the neglect of everything else in your life is just A-OK; the only "problem" is the cost, and here's the solution- Unlimited Talk, Text and Data plans! What a super message for both kids and adults- never budget your time, never learn how to do without something that really isn't that great for you anyway, NEVER STOP USING YOUR STUPID PHONES.

I know Sprint isn't going to take any of my advice, because after all, they may not have created this monster, but their bottom line depends on it being fed continually. So we may expect more hateful dreck like this, with People Who Happen To Be Related And Living in the Same House negotiating everything from cell phone minutes to control of the remote and car usage. Because...actual parents? If there were more of those out there, Sprint would have a much harder time paying off those quarterly bonuses.

Ignore the glowing- it just indicates the end of Civilization

Don't be concerned that you are glowing, guys. Be concerned that you live next to thoughtless, obnoxious, clueless pricks who have no respect for your privacy and who are perfectly comfortable with the idea of taking photos of you and posting them on the internet without your consent. Once upon a time- it was almost yesterday, in fact- this would be considered stalking, or at the very least almost unbelievably rude. Today, it's played for a laugh, and if you have a problem with it, Lighten Up It's 2012 Loser. I'd suggest that maybe if the roles were reversed a bit- if the ad showed guys taking unsolicited shots of women and posting them to Facebook without permission- there would be a public outcry, or the ad would never be aired, but I'm not that naive. My guess is that there are already half a dozen such commercials out there already, I just haven't seen them yet. One of the first ads I snarked on here, before I was even embedding, featured a guy taking a shot at the backsides of women as they passed his table at cafe. The women turned and smiled appreciatively at the attention they were getting from the guy- and the girl sitting with the guy responded only by texting "U R A PIG." There was also that adorable Pepsi Zero (or whatever) ad where the Pepsi truck driver gets a shot of the Coke Truck driver drinking Pepsi and instantly puts it on YouTube. That was supposed to be funny, too. Because anyone who gives a damn about basic human decency and privacy in this day and age is so lame and square, after all. The only silver lining I can see in this particular ad is that maybe, just MAYBE, the glowing action of the phone increases the amount of radiation being pumped into the user. Now THAT would be funny. Not to mention, poetic justice.

It's What He Does. It Ain't Much

Somehow, this AT&T ad which features a guy who never, ever puts down his phone, no matter what else he's doing, where he is or who he's with, is supposed to convince me to buy my own AT&T phone with 4G or something. I really thought I had the whole commercial concept nailed. I thought that all commercials were designed to convince the viewer that that little something missing in the viewer's life- that something which was keeping the viewer from being absolutely, blissfully happy- was right there on the screen- so buy it, and Be Happy.

But this-- this doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. The doofus ugly schmuck I see on my tv is just looking at his phone. It's summer, and he's staring at the screen. Winter- staring at the screen. At the beach- more quality Phone Time. And on and on and on. Even though I'm aware that there are people out there like this, it's still not an honest ad- because it's clear that a full year goes by, and dumbass phone zombie is still using the same phone. Didn't someone tell him that it's gone through three Upgrades since the beginning of the ad, and the phone he's enjoying at the end of the commercial is really old and slow and will make him show badly for his friends, assuming that he still has any?

I guess I'm just too old to understand commercials like this. All I see is a guy lucky enough to find himself in a variety of cool-looking places, unable to enjoy any of them because he's addicted to his stupid phone. He's even managed to land himself a cute girl, who manages to distract him (at least for a moment) at the end of the ad. I imagine that she predates the addiction and when push comes to shove, he chooses the phone over her. By the way, when push DOES come to shove, I really hope it happens at the top of a jagged cliff. And that she manages to hold on and take him, and his phone, with her. Because I do know people like this. And I really, really hate them.

They needed the world to know: They are in Xanadu. With an Ultrabook.

Ok, when I first viewed this ridiculous mess, I actually thought that it was SO damned stupid, SO damned pretentious, SO overflowing with awfulness that it was immune from snark. But because I'm kind of a trooper who views every challenge that does not have anything to do with my job or making money as something worth tackling, I decided to watch it a couple of times and see what I could come up with.

 Here goes: This ad seems to be taking place during the Hollywood Version of the Middle Ages, when kings never took off their crowns and everyone wore glittering robes and lived in gigantic castles and bleated overwrought lines like High School students auditioning for the big spring production of "MacBeth." Or maybe "Braveheart." Except- they are all using laptops and projectors, while in the real Middle Ages any technology more advanced than a Zippo lighter would probably get you accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake. Anyway, King Vitamin is trying to explain some sales chart (why is the King doing this? Never mind) but the Not-Magical Internet Connection or processor speed or whatever is soooooo sloooowwwww that everyone is getting bored and frustrated. By "everyone" I mean the people in the commercial as well as we in the audience, who have already gotten the joke, dismissed it as very unfunny, and just want to know what Amazing Can't Do Without It piece of glowing junk we will ultimately be told to buy, if we are just a little more patient.

Wench walks in and announces the sales figures without even averting her eyes or asking permission to speak (better nip this in the bud, ye Lords, no telling what it could lead to in the- ahem, "future.") And here's where it gets really stupid (no, really- everything up to this point actually makes sense and is perfectly reasonable compared to what's coming next.) The "King" and his Merry Band of Sales Zombies-- errr, Knights of the Round Table-- are absolutely astonished by the "sorcery" displayed by the Fair Maiden's Ultrabook.

Because having 2011 technology in the 13th century is no big deal. But 2012 technology? BURN THE WITCH! For any of this to make even the slightest amount of sense, all of the people in this ad must be Renaissance Festival Organizers who have finally snapped after years of playing dress-up while traveling from town to town to juggle and wave plastic swords and be ogled at by the local yokels guzzling "mead" and eating giant turkey legs while enjoying the "Medieval Experience" (which apparently included plastic axe throwing, face-painting, and Shakespeare Scrum. Man, it must have been fun back then. Why would anyone give that up for something as iffy as "Progress?")