Totally forgotten in this ad is the predictable yet stunning stupidity of a man trying to reason with a Mountain Goat, carefully explaining that the sandwich the goat has found in his bag isn't the goat's property. Seriously, the fat scruffy doofus is one step away from attempting to explain the philosophy of Capitalism the clueless, dumb animal. No, not the asshole with the phone. The goat.
Yet, we easily forget Mr. Brilliant's attempt to negotiate the return of his sandwich, because of what comes next.
Check out how this phone is sold to us: It's a really cool device to own for those times when your "friends" do something stupid, because not only can you take video of them being humiliated, but you can take a picture from that video and "share" it with all your friends, and all his friends, making a minor, embarrassing and maybe even funny moment in the guy's life into an opportunity to make him a laughing stock for the entire planet.
Because in the age of Shareable Data, this is what sells phones: The easier it makes it to take a moment of Fail and use it to mock the victim, the better.
In the old days: "We went on a hike, and it was really cool because this mountain goat stole a sandwich out of Tim's bag. But then it kicked his bag and it fell down the mountain, so Tim had to climb down and get it, and it turned out that some stuff got broken. But he got back his wallet and his keys so it worked out ok."
Nowaday: "LOL check out this video, Tim loses his bag ROTFLMAO can you believe it and he had to climb down the rocks to get his bag back check out this video he keeps scraping his hands on the rocks and ends up all bloody LOL!!!" Gone Viral. Liked. Shared.
Tim? Mocked by thousands of people he doesn't even know. Because he made the poor decision of hiking partners. Whatever.
One day, being a rude prick with no sense of empathy and a total willingness to invade a "friends" privacy and hold him up to ridicule in front of everyone became both funny and normal. I must have been in a coma. Anyone have any ideas on how I can get myself back there?
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Crush this, Corona
I'm sure we were all rooting for this yuppie pond scum to "crush" the sales meeting, convince Company A to buy Company B's product, and ensure that five people in a corporation employing thousands get big nice juicy bonuses which allow them to actually go on exotic vacations like the one the rest of them can only experience vicariously by drinking Corona beer. With lime.
Personally, I wish that the other people at the table had responded to "Crushed It" a bit more honestly- by asking him if he ever had any aspirations beyond being a total corporate whore whose life consists of begging other people to give his bosses money so he can keep earning a paycheck which allows him to head off to the Chestnut Tree Cafe to pretend he isn't incredibly depressed and to drown what is left of his soul in watered-down swill. Spiked with lime.
At the very least, they could have responded to "Crushed It" with "look, I don't have enough Coronas in me to pretend to be happy for you. Give me half an hour. But please don't ask me what I think about it in an hour- because by then, I'll have enough alcohol running through my veins to tell you exactly what I think of your three-day beard, your moussed hair, and your 'I accomplished something worth celebrating today, and I'm really only here to bask in your admiration and drink beer until I fall down' attitude."
Of course, I'm only guessing what this guy "crushed," but since every twenty-something guy in commercials who wears a tie works in Marketing, I think I'm pretty close to the mark. This guy didn't crush nailing down funding for the homeless shelter. He didn't reach that kid in the back of the classroom who never thought she could keep up with her peers. No, he just managed to convince Company A to buy a certain amount of what Company B is selling. Congratulations, buddy. Celebrate with a quality beer. Or a Corona. Take it easy, though- remember, you have to get up tomorrow morning, put that tie back on, and head to the office to do it all over again. Here's the good news: When you die, it's quite possible that neither you nor anyone else will even notice.
Personally, I wish that the other people at the table had responded to "Crushed It" a bit more honestly- by asking him if he ever had any aspirations beyond being a total corporate whore whose life consists of begging other people to give his bosses money so he can keep earning a paycheck which allows him to head off to the Chestnut Tree Cafe to pretend he isn't incredibly depressed and to drown what is left of his soul in watered-down swill. Spiked with lime.
At the very least, they could have responded to "Crushed It" with "look, I don't have enough Coronas in me to pretend to be happy for you. Give me half an hour. But please don't ask me what I think about it in an hour- because by then, I'll have enough alcohol running through my veins to tell you exactly what I think of your three-day beard, your moussed hair, and your 'I accomplished something worth celebrating today, and I'm really only here to bask in your admiration and drink beer until I fall down' attitude."
Of course, I'm only guessing what this guy "crushed," but since every twenty-something guy in commercials who wears a tie works in Marketing, I think I'm pretty close to the mark. This guy didn't crush nailing down funding for the homeless shelter. He didn't reach that kid in the back of the classroom who never thought she could keep up with her peers. No, he just managed to convince Company A to buy a certain amount of what Company B is selling. Congratulations, buddy. Celebrate with a quality beer. Or a Corona. Take it easy, though- remember, you have to get up tomorrow morning, put that tie back on, and head to the office to do it all over again. Here's the good news: When you die, it's quite possible that neither you nor anyone else will even notice.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
The title notwithstanding, this film is NOT about the people who stood in line for days to get the latest iPhone
I saw the first "Taken" movie and for it's genre, I didn't think it was half bad. I mean, it was better than "Commando" or any of the Steven Seagal films which use basically the same script. And at least it had a few cool sets, unlike "Under Siege," "Under Siege 2," "Passenger 57" and all the rest of the One Guy Kills Everyone Else One By One Until they Are All Dead Roll Credits Movies.
Me being me, the only two parts of the original "Taken" flick which really pissed me off took place in the first 15 minutes of the film, and the last two. The woman who plays Neeson's ex-wife was such a noxious Rhymes with Witch for those first fifteen minutes- every other word out of her mouth is an unnecessary put-down, and how the hell does she retain custody of their daughter after lying her spoiled ass off about their daughter's plans to follow U2 around Europe in order to get Liam's signature on a legal document? Man I hope she dies horribly in the sequel.
(Not to mention- but what kind of craptacular job did these people do in raising a teenager who would want to follow U2 around Europe? Unless this film takes place in 1988- come on!)
In the final two minutes Daughter- who was kidnapped, drugged, no doubt molested by countless guys while handcuffed to a bed--whose best friend was brutally murdered days earlier-- is a beaming, happy, perfectly stable teenage girl because she's being introduced to her favorite pop star Not Brittany Spears and will receive voice lessons and possibly a recording contract. Happy ending--?
As I've implied, the rest of the film is ok, just stunningly predictable. Liam tracks down his daughter's kidnappers and shoots them, breaks their necks, tortures them to death, etc. etc. etc. He experiences no injuries to himself until the very end, when he receives the standard Non-Fatal Flesh Wound (actually two- a sprained ankle which allows him to perform the required Final Moments Limp, and some kind of shoulder strain caused in the only competitive fight of the film, naturally coming at the very end so the injury sustained has ZERO impact on his ability to kill the Sheik from Central Casting.) Then we get the Way Too Happy ending.
Except, four years later, turns out we DIDN'T get the ending. Hollywood has decided that it left a few loose ends to tie up. Maybe we need to know if Liam's daughter became a pop star. Maybe we want the Bad Guys to get a shot at the ex-wife (I can see that.) Or maybe "Taken" cost so little to make (no writers, no acting) and made so much money following one of the smoothest paths available to action filmmakers, they just couldn't resist giving us another one. Maybe Liam decided he might as well pick up some extra cash in between voicing Aslan in bad Narnia movies. Either way, I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I'll probably go see this junk. Because what the heck- it's stupid fun, and maybe that awful ex will get her just desserts this time. Man that would make it so worth it.
Me being me, the only two parts of the original "Taken" flick which really pissed me off took place in the first 15 minutes of the film, and the last two. The woman who plays Neeson's ex-wife was such a noxious Rhymes with Witch for those first fifteen minutes- every other word out of her mouth is an unnecessary put-down, and how the hell does she retain custody of their daughter after lying her spoiled ass off about their daughter's plans to follow U2 around Europe in order to get Liam's signature on a legal document? Man I hope she dies horribly in the sequel.
(Not to mention- but what kind of craptacular job did these people do in raising a teenager who would want to follow U2 around Europe? Unless this film takes place in 1988- come on!)
In the final two minutes Daughter- who was kidnapped, drugged, no doubt molested by countless guys while handcuffed to a bed--whose best friend was brutally murdered days earlier-- is a beaming, happy, perfectly stable teenage girl because she's being introduced to her favorite pop star Not Brittany Spears and will receive voice lessons and possibly a recording contract. Happy ending--?
As I've implied, the rest of the film is ok, just stunningly predictable. Liam tracks down his daughter's kidnappers and shoots them, breaks their necks, tortures them to death, etc. etc. etc. He experiences no injuries to himself until the very end, when he receives the standard Non-Fatal Flesh Wound (actually two- a sprained ankle which allows him to perform the required Final Moments Limp, and some kind of shoulder strain caused in the only competitive fight of the film, naturally coming at the very end so the injury sustained has ZERO impact on his ability to kill the Sheik from Central Casting.) Then we get the Way Too Happy ending.
Except, four years later, turns out we DIDN'T get the ending. Hollywood has decided that it left a few loose ends to tie up. Maybe we need to know if Liam's daughter became a pop star. Maybe we want the Bad Guys to get a shot at the ex-wife (I can see that.) Or maybe "Taken" cost so little to make (no writers, no acting) and made so much money following one of the smoothest paths available to action filmmakers, they just couldn't resist giving us another one. Maybe Liam decided he might as well pick up some extra cash in between voicing Aslan in bad Narnia movies. Either way, I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I'll probably go see this junk. Because what the heck- it's stupid fun, and maybe that awful ex will get her just desserts this time. Man that would make it so worth it.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Never mind "Neutering." Ask her to explain the economics of leasing a freaking BMW.
Ok, let me see if I understand this: Mommy wants to get the family pet neutered. Good for her- very socially responsible, and all that. She lives in a community which has a generic Neutering R Us, I guess, because it's pretty clear she's never been to the place she's going to take that family pet. Let's cut her some slack and assume she's checked it out on Angie's List, or it's been recommended by neighbors, or something.
Mommy is taking the Creepy Little Copy of herself she and Daddy made along for the ride to have this surgical procedure done on the dog. CLC puts on her most affected, cutesy face and reads her one line- "Mommy, what is Neu-ter-ing?"
Mommy isn't into the whole Teachable Moment thing, so she just sits there like a freaking zombie, a bit overwhelmed by CLC's precociousness. Or maybe, Mommy doesn't know what Neu-ter-ing is, either. In any case, wouldn't it be a great time for Mommy to say something like "it's when a doctor helps our dog be healthier and happier. I hope you ask the doctor what it's all about, and why it's important?"
Here's where it gets really stupid, never mind that it's a punchline we saw coming from at least ten seconds away. The dog jumps out of the car and runs off. The dog, you see, knows what Neu-ter-ing means. Which means that the dog is more literate than CLC. I get that commercials often require as suspension of disbelief, but when it takes place shouldn't it have a bigger payoff than THIS banal little lump of dreck? Come to think of it, maybe Mommy really DOESN'T know what Neu-ter-ing means. After all, we already see that she's too stupid to find Quick Snip And Release on her own. Plus, she's shelling out what some people pay for a small apartment every month on a car she'll be giving right back to the dealer in three years.
Hey, Daughter? You might want to direct this and any future questions to someone with a few more IQ points than Mommy. I suggest you try the dog, once you get him back in the Google-equipped BMW.
Mommy isn't into the whole Teachable Moment thing, so she just sits there like a freaking zombie, a bit overwhelmed by CLC's precociousness. Or maybe, Mommy doesn't know what Neu-ter-ing is, either. In any case, wouldn't it be a great time for Mommy to say something like "it's when a doctor helps our dog be healthier and happier. I hope you ask the doctor what it's all about, and why it's important?"
Here's where it gets really stupid, never mind that it's a punchline we saw coming from at least ten seconds away. The dog jumps out of the car and runs off. The dog, you see, knows what Neu-ter-ing means. Which means that the dog is more literate than CLC. I get that commercials often require as suspension of disbelief, but when it takes place shouldn't it have a bigger payoff than THIS banal little lump of dreck? Come to think of it, maybe Mommy really DOESN'T know what Neu-ter-ing means. After all, we already see that she's too stupid to find Quick Snip And Release on her own. Plus, she's shelling out what some people pay for a small apartment every month on a car she'll be giving right back to the dealer in three years.
Hey, Daughter? You might want to direct this and any future questions to someone with a few more IQ points than Mommy. I suggest you try the dog, once you get him back in the Google-equipped BMW.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Because you can't find your ass with both hands and a flashlight- Droid Does
No, my phone doesn't have the battery life (or Apps, or streaming video, etc.) which would allow me to hypnotize my kids into staring at it on a rainy day in the woods. That means I'd have to talk to them, tell them stories, or demonstrate the amazing fact that water is not deadly poison and we can actually walk around in it without dying.
No, my phone will not allow me to bleat "Call Cab 4 Me" as I walk out of a store. That means I'd have to actually lift one of my arms to signal for a cab. Or take a bus. Seriously, I wonder how I've managed to survive this long.
No, my phone will not bleat Meter By Meter directions as I drive down the highway. That means I have to pay attention to the road, checking those helpful (retrograde, Pre-Droid) signs to determine where my exit is. Or I could just do what I do now- leave my (also retrograde, Pre-Droid) Garmin GPS on.
No, I do not own a Droid Razr or whatever this Tool for Stunningly Helpless People is called. Which means that I actually have to do very basic, elementary things all by my little self. Until I saw this commercial, I had no idea how amazingly difficult those very basic, elementary things really were. I mean, check out these apparently functional people- they look like they would just crawl under a rock and die if they had to do anything more complicated than blow their nose without consulting their shiny, brilliant little friends.
In the breakroom the other day, I heard two math teachers discussing the problem created by eighth-graders armed with calculators: More and more often, the teachers discover that these students can't work out the simplest equations unless they have one at the ready. Their brains are simply not being trained to do anything other than punch the buttons corresponding with the numbers in the equation, letting the calculator do all the real work. Why does 171+133= 304? Because the screen says so. How did it come up with that result? Who cares?
All of these commercials for "Let Us Help You With That" Droids, SmartPhones (thank goodness the phones are Smart- they'll need to be, as our brains atrophy into pudding) encourage us to stop trying to think through or do anything ourselves. Don't look around for a cab, just bleat into this. Don't look up information up or start a conversation- just consult Ask.com. Don't think- let that thing in your hand do your thinking for you. How this results in anything other than a shamefully helpless population of Weebles (except that when we Wobble, we'll fall down- and ask our phones for detailed directions on how to get up again) escapes me. How this in any way represents "progress" is way beyond my feeble grasp. And I can't even ask my phone to explain it to me.
No, I do not own a Droid Razr or whatever this Tool for Stunningly Helpless People is called. Which means that I actually have to do very basic, elementary things all by my little self. Until I saw this commercial, I had no idea how amazingly difficult those very basic, elementary things really were. I mean, check out these apparently functional people- they look like they would just crawl under a rock and die if they had to do anything more complicated than blow their nose without consulting their shiny, brilliant little friends.
In the breakroom the other day, I heard two math teachers discussing the problem created by eighth-graders armed with calculators: More and more often, the teachers discover that these students can't work out the simplest equations unless they have one at the ready. Their brains are simply not being trained to do anything other than punch the buttons corresponding with the numbers in the equation, letting the calculator do all the real work. Why does 171+133= 304? Because the screen says so. How did it come up with that result? Who cares?
All of these commercials for "Let Us Help You With That" Droids, SmartPhones (thank goodness the phones are Smart- they'll need to be, as our brains atrophy into pudding) encourage us to stop trying to think through or do anything ourselves. Don't look around for a cab, just bleat into this. Don't look up information up or start a conversation- just consult Ask.com. Don't think- let that thing in your hand do your thinking for you. How this results in anything other than a shamefully helpless population of Weebles (except that when we Wobble, we'll fall down- and ask our phones for detailed directions on how to get up again) escapes me. How this in any way represents "progress" is way beyond my feeble grasp. And I can't even ask my phone to explain it to me.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
It's Pepsi: The Movie!
You know, I could probably go on and on about how stupid and loud this commercial is. Or how the producers must have looked at dozens of twenty-something actor wannabees before picking out the scruffy doofuses they found to perform the CGI-enhanced "stunt" which is supposed to be entertaining. I would probably include a line about how these guys are at a concert with what looks like thousands of people, yet the only refreshment available is to be found in a solitary Pepsi machine on the other side of cavern.
Bullshit Alert: Concerts never lack for opportunities to purchase $8 bottles of tepid water and $12 bottles of beer. In real life, these guys would be standing in a line 30 yards long to shell out for their drinks, not stepping on heads to get to the Pepsi Machine.
I invite anyone who is a regular concert-goer to write in with their own Bullshit Alerts concerning this ad. I'll just wrap up with the impression left me at the end of this commercial, and at the end of all the recent Wow Pepsi Is Hip and Cool commercials- the fact that the producers think they are so wildly entertaining, so much fun to watch, that they think we'd appreciate a little montage of Our Favorite Moments of The Last Twenty Seconds at the end. Um, gee, thanks, Pepsi. I loved the moment when the one guy pointed at the Pepsi machine, and I'm soooo glad I got to see it again in the wrap-up. Whatever.
This will bring your family "closer." Sure. Sure it will, AT&T
I've seen this commercial two dozen times, at least. I get that Mom has a Smartphone, Daughter has a Smartphone, Son has a Smartphone, and Dad has a tablet- in other words, I get that this is Over-Indulged Suburban Family Model 46-D and its spent several thousand dollars on disposable electronic junk which will be deemed "obsolete" by each member of the family inside of six months.
I get that after spending all this money on these stupid gadgets, the "parents" of the family need to rationalize the ridiculous expenditure. And I get that right now, there are kids out there trying to get their parents to accept the idea that there is some value to be drawn from maxing out the credit card buying this crap to keep them happy for-- well, like I said, about six months.
Here's what I DON'T get, no matter HOW many times I see this commercial. I don't get how ANY of this junk makes the life of a family "easier." My parents had FIVE kids. Five kids, and not a single cell phone, SmartPhone, I Phone, or Tablet. Somehow we managed to find each other when it was time for dinner, time for a picnic, or just Family Time. Without any of that mechanical crap. Oh, and we managed to Share. Without buttons, glowing screens, or electronic "connectivity." We were so amazing, and we didn't even know it.
The really laughable part of this ad, like all the other "Share Everything" ads featuring parents and their children, and the part which I'm sure has kids stifling giggles all over the USA whenever it appears on TV, is the idea that what teenaged kids really want out of all this electronic garbage is a way to "connect" more easily to their parents. "See, mom, if I had a SmartPhone, we'd talk more! I could share photos with you! And you'd be able to let me know when I needed to get home!" Yeah, RIGHT!!!
Hey, Idiot Parents who at least need to be sold on the idea of breaking the bank on disposable beeping devices rather than automatically shelling out when Son and Daughter yell "JUMP!"-- when your wonderful kids show you this commercial, and then try to use the arguments I just summarized, they are playing you like a violin. They don't want SmartPhones so they can keep in touch with Mom and Dad, trust me. They want to download and watch TV and deepen their addiction to Facebook. But don't take my word for it. Go ahead and indulge them some more, while indulging YOURSELF in the fantasy that you are just a few major purchases away from knitting what you thought was supposed to be a family back together through the miracle of Connectivity. My guess is that you'll figure out your mistake about 72 hours later, and respond by purchasing the Unlimited Data Plan.
Here's what I DON'T get, no matter HOW many times I see this commercial. I don't get how ANY of this junk makes the life of a family "easier." My parents had FIVE kids. Five kids, and not a single cell phone, SmartPhone, I Phone, or Tablet. Somehow we managed to find each other when it was time for dinner, time for a picnic, or just Family Time. Without any of that mechanical crap. Oh, and we managed to Share. Without buttons, glowing screens, or electronic "connectivity." We were so amazing, and we didn't even know it.
The really laughable part of this ad, like all the other "Share Everything" ads featuring parents and their children, and the part which I'm sure has kids stifling giggles all over the USA whenever it appears on TV, is the idea that what teenaged kids really want out of all this electronic garbage is a way to "connect" more easily to their parents. "See, mom, if I had a SmartPhone, we'd talk more! I could share photos with you! And you'd be able to let me know when I needed to get home!" Yeah, RIGHT!!!
Hey, Idiot Parents who at least need to be sold on the idea of breaking the bank on disposable beeping devices rather than automatically shelling out when Son and Daughter yell "JUMP!"-- when your wonderful kids show you this commercial, and then try to use the arguments I just summarized, they are playing you like a violin. They don't want SmartPhones so they can keep in touch with Mom and Dad, trust me. They want to download and watch TV and deepen their addiction to Facebook. But don't take my word for it. Go ahead and indulge them some more, while indulging YOURSELF in the fantasy that you are just a few major purchases away from knitting what you thought was supposed to be a family back together through the miracle of Connectivity. My guess is that you'll figure out your mistake about 72 hours later, and respond by purchasing the Unlimited Data Plan.
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