The car to drive when you really shouldn't be driving

Honda knows you. Honda knows you push yourself too hard. You drive when you are half-asleep. You drive distracted, pushing buttons, blathering away on your BlueTooth, adjusting the seat temperature every few seconds, and barking orders at your sound system in between checking the GPS for updated directions to places you've been to a thousand times and could find blindfolded.* So here's a car which gives you permission to drive when you are running on no sleep, have had a bit too much to drink, or are such an incredibly self-absorbed asshat that you really don't give a flying damn that you share the road with other people who also have lives they would like to extend beyond today despite your willingness to be a danger to yourself and everyone else out there. Sucks to be them, I guess- or maybe you think they should be grateful that hey, sure you drive impaired on a regular basis, but at least you've got this car which beeps and lights up just before you are about to kill someone with it.

 Last Friday I said goodbye to my AP history class, jumped into the car, and started the 540-mile drive to my boyhood home in Vermont to spend fall break with my family. At 9PM I was approaching Albany, with about 180 miles to go, and it was dark and drizzly and I was hitting the wall in terms of energy. I suppose that if I had one of these tripped-out Hondas, I would have ignored the warning signs and just kept going, assuming that my Car Knows Best and would let me know before I ran over someone or something important. But because I drive a 2003 Civic with nothing more advanced than a Garmin GPS and a CD player, I decided to pull into a Best Western and play it safe.** Maybe Honda should use me in an ad- "see, John could have driven another three hours and made it home that night safe and sound, if only he had the 2013 Honda. What a loser." Something like that.

 I'm frankly getting a little tired of these "don't worry about the actual 'driving' part of driving, your car's computer will do that for you" commercials, because I really don't want my life in the hands of a fricking chip embedded into the dashboard of a Japanese import. And I'd really appreciate it if Honda, Acura, Lexus etc. would stop sending the message that if you buy their upscale vehicles, you can act like a passenger instead of the manipulator of heavy, fast-moving machinery. If you are tired, take a break. If you can't drive without becoming distracted, DON'T DRIVE. Because "I thought a light was supposed to go off before I plowed into you" isn't going to sound very comforting as they are scraping me off your grille, believe it or not.

 *Honda's 2014 models will compensate for people who really like to drive blindfolded. Only kidding- but it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if it turned out to be true.

 **"Playing it Safe" at Best Western means avoiding the Make Your Own Waffle option at the continental breakfast. In fact, the safest move is to avoid the breakfast, period. The coffee is ok, though.

Actually, you are more You than usual when you're hungry

I know this ad is supposed to be funny- watching Joe Pesci get verbally abusive because a chip on his shoulder the size of Noah's Ark has been wobbled by a cute girl who isn't giving him 100 percent of her attention 100 percent of the time- I mean, what could be funnier than that?

 Well, here's my take- "He isn't himself when he's hungry" is right up there with "you should see him when he isn't drunk" in the Encyclopedia of Excuses for Abusive Jerks. If the character in this ad is a touchy prick who throws a temper tantrum because a girl he just met at a party glances away from him while he's speaking, well, ladies...if you really like the guy, you can chalk it up to He Was Just Hungry He's Usually Really Nice You Just Have To Get To Know Him. But please don't come whining to me when it turns out that wow, what do you know, he's kind of a controlling, obsessive ass even when he HAS a Snickers bar.

Because people ARE themselves when they are hungry, drunk, tired, under stress, worried about That Promotion, On Edge Because It's the Playoffs, etc. etc. ETC. They are their TRUE selves. When they are sober, full, calm, satisfied? That's when the mask is securely fashioned. It's EASY to be a rational, polite, thoughtful human being when everything is just perfect. Thing is, in real life, there's never actually a time when everything is just perfect. Or anything. So, Pretty girl at the party? Consider yourself fortunate- because for some reason the host decided to invite people to her house and then not put any food out, and as a result, you got a good look at this guy at his honest worst. Based on his attitude concerning your unwillingness to lock your eyes to his as he's speaking, I'd say you dodged a bullet. But if you want to ignore the fire alarms going off around you, I suggest you keep your handbag well-stocked with candy bars. And what passes as your brain equally stocked with "he only hits me when I provoke him" excuses. Good luck with that.

AT&T sticks another knife into the heart of basic decency

Totally forgotten in this ad is the predictable yet stunning stupidity of a man trying to reason with a Mountain Goat, carefully explaining that the sandwich the goat has found in his bag isn't the goat's property. Seriously, the fat scruffy doofus is one step away from attempting to explain the philosophy of Capitalism the clueless, dumb animal. No, not the asshole with the phone. The goat. Yet, we easily forget Mr. Brilliant's attempt to negotiate the return of his sandwich, because of what comes next.

Check out how this phone is sold to us: It's a really cool device to own for those times when your "friends" do something stupid, because not only can you take video of them being humiliated, but you can take a picture from that video and "share" it with all your friends, and all his friends, making a minor, embarrassing and maybe even funny moment in the guy's life into an opportunity to make him a laughing stock for the entire planet. Because in the age of Shareable Data, this is what sells phones: The easier it makes it to take a moment of Fail and use it to mock the victim, the better. In the old days: "We went on a hike, and it was really cool because this mountain goat stole a sandwich out of Tim's bag. But then it kicked his bag and it fell down the mountain, so Tim had to climb down and get it, and it turned out that some stuff got broken. But he got back his wallet and his keys so it worked out ok." Nowaday: "LOL check out this video, Tim loses his bag ROTFLMAO can you believe it and he had to climb down the rocks to get his bag back check out this video he keeps scraping his hands on the rocks and ends up all bloody LOL!!!" Gone Viral. Liked. Shared.

Tim? Mocked by thousands of people he doesn't even know. Because he made the poor decision of hiking partners. Whatever. One day, being a rude prick with no sense of empathy and a total willingness to invade a "friends" privacy and hold him up to ridicule in front of everyone became both funny and normal. I must have been in a coma. Anyone have any ideas on how I can get myself back there?

Crush this, Corona

I'm sure we were all rooting for this yuppie pond scum to "crush" the sales meeting, convince Company A to buy Company B's product, and ensure that five people in a corporation employing thousands get big nice juicy bonuses which allow them to actually go on exotic vacations like the one the rest of them can only experience vicariously by drinking Corona beer. With lime.

 Personally, I wish that the other people at the table had responded to "Crushed It" a bit more honestly- by asking him if he ever had any aspirations beyond being a total corporate whore whose life consists of begging other people to give his bosses money so he can keep earning a paycheck which allows him to head off to the Chestnut Tree Cafe to pretend he isn't incredibly depressed and to drown what is left of his soul in watered-down swill. Spiked with lime.

At the very least, they could have responded to "Crushed It" with "look, I don't have enough Coronas in me to pretend to be happy for you. Give me half an hour. But please don't ask me what I think about it in an hour- because by then, I'll have enough alcohol running through my veins to tell you exactly what I think of your three-day beard, your moussed hair, and your 'I accomplished something worth celebrating today, and I'm really only here to bask in your admiration and drink beer until I fall down' attitude."

Of course, I'm only guessing what this guy "crushed," but since every twenty-something guy in commercials who wears a tie works in Marketing, I think I'm pretty close to the mark. This guy didn't crush nailing down funding for the homeless shelter. He didn't reach that kid in the back of the classroom who never thought she could keep up with her peers. No, he just managed to convince Company A to buy a certain amount of what Company B is selling. Congratulations, buddy. Celebrate with a quality beer. Or a Corona. Take it easy, though- remember, you have to get up tomorrow morning, put that tie back on, and head to the office to do it all over again. Here's the good news: When you die, it's quite possible that neither you nor anyone else will even notice.

The title notwithstanding, this film is NOT about the people who stood in line for days to get the latest iPhone

I saw the first "Taken" movie and for it's genre, I didn't think it was half bad. I mean, it was better than "Commando" or any of the Steven Seagal films which use basically the same script. And at least it had a few cool sets, unlike "Under Siege," "Under Siege 2," "Passenger 57" and all the rest of the One Guy Kills Everyone Else One By One Until they Are All Dead Roll Credits Movies.

Me being me, the only two parts of the original "Taken" flick which really pissed me off took place in the first 15 minutes of the film, and the last two. The woman who plays Neeson's ex-wife was such a noxious Rhymes with Witch for those first fifteen minutes- every other word out of her mouth is an unnecessary put-down, and how the hell does she retain custody of their daughter after lying her spoiled ass off about their daughter's plans to follow U2 around Europe in order to get Liam's signature on a legal document? Man I hope she dies horribly in the sequel.

(Not to mention- but what kind of craptacular job did these people do in raising a teenager who would want to follow U2 around Europe? Unless this film takes place in 1988- come on!)

In the final two minutes Daughter- who was kidnapped, drugged, no doubt molested by countless guys while handcuffed to a bed--whose best friend was brutally murdered days earlier-- is a beaming, happy, perfectly stable teenage girl because she's being introduced to her favorite pop star Not Brittany Spears and will receive voice lessons and possibly a recording contract. Happy ending--?

As I've implied, the rest of the film is ok, just stunningly predictable. Liam tracks down his daughter's kidnappers and shoots them, breaks their necks, tortures them to death, etc. etc. etc. He experiences no injuries to himself until the very end, when he receives the standard Non-Fatal Flesh Wound (actually two- a sprained ankle which allows him to perform the required Final Moments Limp, and some kind of shoulder strain caused in the only competitive fight of the film, naturally coming at the very end so the injury sustained has ZERO impact on his ability to kill the Sheik from Central Casting.) Then we get the Way Too Happy ending.

Except, four years later, turns out we DIDN'T get the ending. Hollywood has decided that it left a few loose ends to tie up. Maybe we need to know if Liam's daughter became a pop star. Maybe we want the Bad Guys to get a shot at the ex-wife (I can see that.) Or maybe "Taken" cost so little to make (no writers, no acting) and made so much money following one of the smoothest paths available to action filmmakers, they just couldn't resist giving us another one. Maybe Liam decided he might as well pick up some extra cash in between voicing Aslan in bad Narnia movies. Either way, I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I'll probably go see this junk. Because what the heck- it's stupid fun, and maybe that awful ex will get her just desserts this time. Man that would make it so worth it.

Never mind "Neutering." Ask her to explain the economics of leasing a freaking BMW.

Ok, let me see if I understand this: Mommy wants to get the family pet neutered. Good for her- very socially responsible, and all that. She lives in a community which has a generic Neutering R Us, I guess, because it's pretty clear she's never been to the place she's going to take that family pet. Let's cut her some slack and assume she's checked it out on Angie's List, or it's been recommended by neighbors, or something. Mommy is taking the Creepy Little Copy of herself she and Daddy made along for the ride to have this surgical procedure done on the dog. CLC puts on her most affected, cutesy face and reads her one line- "Mommy, what is Neu-ter-ing?"

Mommy isn't into the whole Teachable Moment thing, so she just sits there like a freaking zombie, a bit overwhelmed by CLC's precociousness. Or maybe, Mommy doesn't know what Neu-ter-ing is, either. In any case, wouldn't it be a great time for Mommy to say something like "it's when a doctor helps our dog be healthier and happier. I hope you ask the doctor what it's all about, and why it's important?"

Here's where it gets really stupid, never mind that it's a punchline we saw coming from at least ten seconds away. The dog jumps out of the car and runs off. The dog, you see, knows what Neu-ter-ing means. Which means that the dog is more literate than CLC. I get that commercials often require as suspension of disbelief, but when it takes place shouldn't it have a bigger payoff than THIS banal little lump of dreck? Come to think of it, maybe Mommy really DOESN'T know what Neu-ter-ing means. After all, we already see that she's too stupid to find Quick Snip And Release on her own. Plus, she's shelling out what some people pay for a small apartment every month on a car she'll be giving right back to the dealer in three years.

Hey, Daughter? You might want to direct this and any future questions to someone with a few more IQ points than Mommy. I suggest you try the dog, once you get him back in the Google-equipped BMW.

Because you can't find your ass with both hands and a flashlight- Droid Does

No, my phone doesn't have the battery life (or Apps, or streaming video, etc.) which would allow me to hypnotize my kids into staring at it on a rainy day in the woods. That means I'd have to talk to them, tell them stories, or demonstrate the amazing fact that water is not deadly poison and we can actually walk around in it without dying. No, my phone will not allow me to bleat "Call Cab 4 Me" as I walk out of a store. That means I'd have to actually lift one of my arms to signal for a cab. Or take a bus. Seriously, I wonder how I've managed to survive this long. No, my phone will not bleat Meter By Meter directions as I drive down the highway. That means I have to pay attention to the road, checking those helpful (retrograde, Pre-Droid) signs to determine where my exit is. Or I could just do what I do now- leave my (also retrograde, Pre-Droid) Garmin GPS on.

No, I do not own a Droid Razr or whatever this Tool for Stunningly Helpless People is called. Which means that I actually have to do very basic, elementary things all by my little self. Until I saw this commercial, I had no idea how amazingly difficult those very basic, elementary things really were. I mean, check out these apparently functional people- they look like they would just crawl under a rock and die if they had to do anything more complicated than blow their nose without consulting their shiny, brilliant little friends.

In the breakroom the other day, I heard two math teachers discussing the problem created by eighth-graders armed with calculators: More and more often, the teachers discover that these students can't work out the simplest equations unless they have one at the ready. Their brains are simply not being trained to do anything other than punch the buttons corresponding with the numbers in the equation, letting the calculator do all the real work. Why does 171+133= 304? Because the screen says so. How did it come up with that result? Who cares?

All of these commercials for "Let Us Help You With That" Droids, SmartPhones (thank goodness the phones are Smart- they'll need to be, as our brains atrophy into pudding) encourage us to stop trying to think through or do anything ourselves. Don't look around for a cab, just bleat into this. Don't look up information up or start a conversation- just consult Ask.com. Don't think- let that thing in your hand do your thinking for you. How this results in anything other than a shamefully helpless population of Weebles (except that when we Wobble, we'll fall down- and ask our phones for detailed directions on how to get up again) escapes me. How this in any way represents "progress" is way beyond my feeble grasp. And I can't even ask my phone to explain it to me.