I guess this is where SiriusXM cut corners to pay Howard Stern

 Armani: Hi, my name is Armani, Thank you for contacting SiriusXM.  How may I help you? Armani: Hello John. Armani: How are you doing today? John Jamele: I switched out a broken SkiFi2 for a new one, and I cant find an FM frequencey Armani: I apologize for the inconvenience caused. John Jamele: I am now told that I need to purchase an FM modulator, where can I find that? Armani: In order to better assist you I will need to access your account.  Would you please provide your telephone or account number? John Jamele: (---------) Armani: Thank you. Armani: Please give me a moment to access your account. Armani: Thank you for your patience. Armani: For the security purpose, could you please verify the Radio Id  and the address with the Zip code? John Jamele: (---------) John Jamele: (--------) Armani: Thank you once again. Armani: Are you near your radio at this time?

Does your radio have a clear view to the sky (please make sure it is not in the garage)? John Jamele: my radio is not in my car.  I have already talked to people about this, I do not want a refresh signal, it does not do any good John Jamele: none of the preprogrammed FM stations on the radio work Armani: Okay. Armani: Please tune to the preview channel (Sirius 184 or XM 1) and let me know when you are ready so I can send a signal

I have sent a signal to your radio, which you will receive in less than 5 minutes. If you do not hear programming on the satellite stations, then you may need another signal. You can easily do this yourself by going online to  http://www.siriusxm.com/refresh or calling our activation hotline at 855-MY-REFRESH John Jamele: none of the recommended stations are available for scrolling on the XM  John Jamele: I did not need that, it will fix nothing. Armani: May I know the error which you are getting? John Jamele: I can not use any of the preprogrammed FM stations available through the scroll wheel on the radio John Jamele: I cannot access any of the recommended stations because they are not preprogrammed Armani: In order to process your request you will need to call Listener Care Product Support at 866-463-5326. Armani: 
Is there anything else I may assist you with? John Jamele: "anything else?" You didnt assist me at all John Jamele: I have already done that Armani: Please give me a moment. John Jamele: you seriously cannot link me to the accessory I need to make this radio work in my car? Armani: May I know the error which you are getting in the radio please? John Jamele: wow, really? Ok- the SkiFi2 comes with pre-programmed FM stations to chose from under "Choose Frequency."   John Jamele: None of the options works Armani: Okay. John Jamele: The options that are recommended on the site are not included in the pre-programmed list of FM stations Armani: May I have your Zip code? John Jamele: SO- I am told I need to install an FM Modulator.  I don't see one on the site- can you tell me which one I need? John Jamele: (------) (still.  Just like I told you a few moments ago.) Armani: Thank you, just confirming. Armani:  http://www.siriusxm.com/frequency?action=form&zip=20912 John Jamele: Let me guess- that's a link to the page showing recommended frequencies Armani: Please refer to the above link.  John Jamele: Which I can't access, because they are not pre-programmed into the SkiFi2 Armani: Yes, you can tune to those frequencies. John Jamele: ok let me check. Armani: Thank you. John Jamele: I have seen this list.  I cannot scroll to any of these options. Armani: Please set the frequency to 1) 90.5
2) 94.3
3) 96.7
4) 98.3
5) 103.1 John Jamele: they are not included in the pre-programmed list on the SkiFi2.  SO- I was told I need an FM Modulator.  Which model works with my radio?  I can't find it on the XM site John Jamele: Wow, really? John Jamele: Do you understand that I cannot set the frequency on the SkiFi to any of those options? Armani: In order to process your request you will need to call Listener Care Product Support at 866-463-5326. John Jamele: Of course.  Thanks very much, this is actually great material for a comedy sketch or my blog.  Armani: John, please call the above number, they will help you. John Jamele: I'll be sure to do that, thanks very much Armani: Thank you. Armani: 
Is there anything else I may assist you with? John Jamele: Um, no thanks.  Armani: I hope that I have answered all of your questions. Thank you for contacting SiriusXM and have a nice day. Armani has disconnected.

Southwest lets us know what it thinks of it's non-business clientele

Wow, the pretension just DRIPS out of this one, doesn't it? I mean, check it out- here are two IMPORTANT business travelers who face the same problem every time they need to fly: they find themselves stuck in lines behind the great Unwashed Masses of Non-Business Travelers. You know, the people who are just trying to visit a sick family member on the other side of the country, or go on a vacation with the family, or all of those other Non-Business Related and Therefore Inferior Reasons to Travel by Air. It would be so great if we non-Corporate Drones would just stay off THEIR planes and use the highways and Amtrak, as God Intended, wouldn't it? But until the universe rights itself, the poor Put-Upon Business Traveler must tolerate Us Lessers.

 Except, help is on the way! Now even Southwest allows Our Betters to breeze right past us, darting through security and settling their Superior asses down while we are still putting our belts and shoes back on back at the gate. Let's never mind for a moment that they still can't actually get into the air until we cattle have been herded to OUR seats- the IMPORTANT thing is that they avoided that painful ten minutes in line, where they were (horrors!) treated like (ick) Everybody Else. That ten minutes in security, standing RIGHT NEXT to the non-Business Person and BEHIND people who WEREN'T using air travel to get to The Big Meeting of the Week is always pure torture. Mainly because everyone looks pretty much the same, no one can tell you are an Important Business Person and they might not even be looking when you finally get through security and sprint up to the SkyClub for a quick drink. One domestic carrier is, thank God, devoted to setting things right. Here you go, business travelers- when you fly Southwest, you can avoid all those smelly little people who aren't even on their way to show a room full of Koreans a PowerPoint presentation and get right to the plane. And connecting flights? That's for the sweaty herd of trolls who, mystifying as it may sound, continue to perplex the Job Creators by brazenly using air travel instead of cars, trains, buses, stage coach (again, as God Intended.)

"State of Apathy" would be a better title

My original plan for this post was to go on another rant about how sexist television commercials are, using this State Farm Ad as Exhibit 450,000 or so.  After all, the female character here is portrayed as a really, really stupid naive little twit.  Not to mention that she doesn't seem the least concerned that there's this steaming wreck of a car sitting right there in front of her; she just bleats "hey, what's up" as if it's not even there.  Personally, I would have gone with "Oh My God, what happened are you OK?"  But that's just me, and if you've been following this blog for any length of time, you know I'm kind of odd that way.

But one thought lead to another, and I found myself concentrating more on the accident victim's reaction.  Ok, so it's pretty clear that he wasn't actually in the vehicle when it was totaled.  I get the idea that it's a hit and run deal.  And it must have happened very recently.  Don't you think that the guy's response is just a little too nonchalant here?  He acts like he views the destruction of his car as nothing more than a slight annoyance, if not a great excuse to try out this awesome new State Farm App he's got.  "Oh, I'm just using this cool App to diagram this horrific accident which rendered my car a worthless, smoking piece of metal, yawn."

Looking at it this way, the female character's "Oh that's nice hey I've got a date with a guy I met on the internet he's a French model" makes a lot more sense.  She's talking to an emotionally vacant guy, and she responds by being emotionally vacant herself.  There's hardly a reason for her to be more upset about the wreck than the car's owner, right?

If the guy had shown even the slightest hint that he had actually been involved in, witnessed, or was in any way the victim of an accident (seriously, even walking outside and seeing your car with a new dent in the bumper justifies more than what this guy is giving me) I could go the Sexist Image of the Clueless, Thoughtless, Self-Absorbed Woman route.  But I just can't past the guy's weird non-reaction.  Like I said, I'm odd that way.

It's another awful Droid Commercial. 'Nuff Said.

This pretentious thirty-one seconds of dull, throbbing pain is brought to us by Droid Razor (oh, I guess it's actually "Razr.")  The ad is called "Projections."  ( Like I said, pretentious.)

We are "treated" to several images of people checking out their palms to do things like learn how to cut a fish (chop off head.  Check.  Good thing the guy had that projection, he might have cut off the tail and eaten the head, right?)   One person is just watching a mind-numbing, pointless game on her palm.

In the conclusion to this monstrous pile of dung disguised as an ad for a cell phone, we see a guy looking at blueprints for a bicycle.  Why?  Well, I guess we can assume that it's because he's a Very Important Businessman whose sacred Small Business depends on the success of this new bicycle prototype, or something. Who gives a damn?  In a few moments he's done being among The Most Productive and one of the Makers (as opposed to us Takers) and proceeds to relax with some movie about a battleship.  It's probably Battleship, but again, who gives a damn?

And like every other person in every other cell phone commercial for a product which allows you to watch streaming video, there's not a set of headphones, ear buds, or anything of the like in sight.  Which means that ONCE AGAIN, the owners of this crap are invited to "share" their viewing experience with EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FUCKING ROOM.  Which is perfect for ads like this- because what is being sold isn't really a cell phone.  What's on sale here is total self-absorption and addiction, two character traits of people who generally aren't all that concerned about the people around them.

So buy a Droid Razr- it's like having all the answers, all the games, all the Connectivity and all the movies you could ever want right there in the palm of your hand.  So you can stare at it and listen to it, all the while using your other hand to give the finger to the rest of us.  Thanks a lot.

Spend your way to a better life, Part 1.7 million

Here's another Spend Money you Don't Have and Achieve Happiness and Popularity ad.  Yeah, I know- I pretty much described every commercial ever made, but this one is even less subtle than most....

One night, Cute Girl told her boyfriend that he's boring.  That wasn't quite enough, however.  Apparently, boyfriend is either A) Deaf or B) has demonstrated an unwillingness to absorb negative things about himself, so Cute Girl feels compelled to repeat the charge several times. "You're boring.  Boring. Boring."

At which point, Boyfriend really needs to reply "so, this dinner is Dutch Treat, right?"

Instead, Boyfriend decides to change himself for the better by-- using his credit card more.  To take cooking classes.  And to go to Alicia Keyes concerts.  And never mind that whether he's tasting some sauce or making eye contact with Alicia Keyes,  he's still just standing there.   Because he's put himself into debt, he's no longer Boring.  Mission accomplished.  Where's Cute Girl?

Here's my problem- in the opening scene of this ad, Boyfriend has taken Cute Girl to a nice restaurant.  Seems like he's already proven himself willing to spend some money.  How exactly does getting a particular credit card encourage him to suddenly start doing Not Boring things like taking cooking classes and attending concerts?*

I just don't get it- if Cute Girl thought that Boyfriend was "boring," why didn't she suggest that he do something with his money other than take her to nice restaurants?   Hey Cute Girl- how about suggesting fun activities- like cooking classes and concerts?  You know, stuff you could do that involves something other than sitting on opposite sides of a table, eating overpriced entrees, and rating your boyfriend on some arbitrary excitement meter?

Let's be generous, and concede that she's tried this- she's tried to drag him on hiking trips, the theater, sporting events, and other stuff she considers fun and Not Boring*, but he's resisted each time.  So she's put in her time and now is cutting Mr. Boring loose.  Did Boyfriend simply not "get" that she thought he was boring until she finally came out and said so?  Because he sure responds as if this is a real revelation to him.  He's instantly inspired to turn around his life and do all this stuff that Cute Girl probably would have loved to do with him,  if  he's only managed Clue One before she dropped her You're Boring bomb.

So let's jump ahead and imagine that in a year or two, Cute Girl bumps into ex-Boring Boyfriend on the street, and they agree to have an impromptu coffee . Over the span of thirty minutes, ex-Boring Boyfriend tells Cute Girl about all these great concerts he's gone to, how he's become a gourmet chef, and how he is a volunteer docent at the art museum in his spare time.  Cute Girl asks "where the hell was this side of you when we were dating?"  Ex-Boring Boyfriend replies "apparently safely hidden, waiting for a much nicer, much less cruel girl to come around."  I hope he doesn't mention the new credit card, because that's something she probably would have been happy to suggest, if only she'd thought of it first.

*Coincidentally, these are activities I find fun and Not Boring.  Cute Girl should give me a call.  Because in my experience, Cruel is usually trumped by Cute.  For a while, anyway.

600 frames of annoying, courtesy of Budweiser this time

I get that a lot of work probably goes into making commercials like this.  I get that they require a lot of camerawork and choreography and maybe there's even a certain level of skill and art involved.  Or maybe there's a very simple CGI program being used and I'm just sounding really stupid right now.

But man, what a waste.  Because all commercials like this- commercials which show the same person or persons wearing a dozen different sets of clothes, appearing in front a dozen different backgrounds, doing the same thing over and over AND OVER (whether it's texting or walking around with idiot friends or drinking beer) just gives me a freaking headache.  And makes me hate the people who are in them, almost as much as I hate the people who subjected me to this crap roughly 400 times while I watched the Atlanta Braves get royally hosed by the refs (infield fly rule? Are you fucking KIDDING ME?) and their own sloppy fielding in the National League Wild Card game.

License to Sell

James Bond fans, of whom I am one, have long suffered with the ubiquitous product placement that has gradually consumed more and more of the films over the years. I thought that it peaked during the Brosnan age (with "subtle" nods at Virgin Airlines, Hertz Rent A Car, Sharper Image, Norelco, etc. etc. ETC.) until I watched people stare at their cellphones for two hours in between playing cards in "Casino Royale." I get that these films cost a lot of money, and if Barbara Broccoli can get back some of that cash by inserting a commercial here and there, I supposed I have to understand.

 Still... James Bond drinks vodka martinis- shaken, not stirred. Martinis were good enough for Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce "Waiter with a Gun" Brosnan. Sure, this was parlayed into product placement opportunities in the later films, but that was acceptable because Bond drank vodka martinis ANYWAY- might as well let the audience know what brand of vodka he preferred. Didn't change the character, just cheapened him, slightly. But if Skyfall (I thought Quantum of Solace was a bad title- still, both were better than Tomorrow Never Dies or Die Another Day) is going to show us Bond drinking a beer- well, sorry, but that's just going to leave a bad taste in the mouth of THIS Bond fan. Hey Barbara, why don't you just have 007 reach into a bucket of KFC or use Kayak.com to book his next exotic travel adventure or scan recent texts on a Sony Ericson phone to learn more about it's previous owner (oh wait, he already did that, several times, in Casino Royale?)

 Then again, who am I to question Barbara "I Inherited this Empire from my Dad, and I've been working with my brother to destroy it since the mid-90s" Brocolli? After all, she's the one who insisted on replacing Dalton, a classically trained Shakespearean actor with a refreshingly dark take on Fleming's iconic character, with a talent-deficient mannequin, simply because that mannequin was more popular with American audiences. And I'm not even going to get into the stunt casting which marked the whole Brosnan period (no Bond fans really want to be reminded that Denise Richards was cast as a nuclear scientist in one film, and both Madonna and Halle Berry had prominent roles in another. You'd have thought Madonna's theme song would have been torture enough...) BTW, anyone else think that Craig is so pale in this ad that it's very hard to see where his hair ends and his face begins? I mean, that's just weird.