I thought Dennis Leary was the Authority on All Things Male

First of all, let me say once again how much I love it when fat unshaven doofuses with ugly wives and no taste in clothing show up on my tv screen to let me know "what guys like." (In this case, it seems that "guys like" rims. I think that's what he said, anyway- and I'm not going to keep watching this junk just to make sure I get it right.)
Listen, Scruffy Tub of Pudding in a Shirt- if I want to know what "guys like," you are NOT the guy I'm going to ask, ok?

Second, I'd like to know where these Taller than Average Trolls took the Camry on a test drive. The female chirps something about power and about being low to the ground (again, I really don't know what she says, and I don't care all that much.) Apparently the test drive convinced them that this was the perfect vehicle to speed through deserts in. Once again, the car company is not in the least interested in showing us something remotely familiar. Cars in commercials are always driving up sand dunes and ice burgs, crashing through seas of mud and (formerly) tranquil forests...as if Fun, Exciting Lives are included in some optional package available for a Limited Time Only. I'm going to wrap this up by mocking the male model for lawn gnomes one more time- seriously, buddy, don't tell me what "guys like." Not when you are standing there wearing those clothes, next to that woman. Because new car or no new car, you don't have clue one.

You've got Questions, I've got Answers. And Radio Shack still has batteries, last time I checked

Every once in a while, I like to change things up a bit by giving my take on a vintage ad.  So, today I'll be giving my take on a vintage ad.  There, got the first paragraph taken care of, anyway.

Know how you can tell this cell phone ad is really, really old (circa 1995, or as the kids like to call it, the Stone Age?)  No, not from the cell phones the size of shoe boxes.  No, not from the cheesy-fake "snow" used to put us in the mood for Christmas giving and all that crap.  Not from the paper phone contract filled out in pen at Radio Shack (even then, the fine print read $40 Activation fee, 20 free minutes per month, 5-year contract with auto-renewal, $400 early cancellation fee.) And no, not from the hair styles or the big ugly cars.

Here's how you can tell this is a really old ad for cellphones- the people who wrote this one actually attempt to show us potential consumers exactly why being able to call someone from someplace other than a house or a phone booth could benefit our loved ones.  We don't see people sending pointless texts or watching movies or playing idiotic video games.  Nope- the people in this ad are, incredibly, using their phones to let people know that they need help, will be late, etc.  I bet it's been at least a decade since any cell phone ad   demonstrated a practical use for their product.  Ah, the 1990s- the Age of Innocence, wasn't it?

(Ok, so we see a woman who is going to be late because....Godzilla is wrecking havoc on the Expressway.  I'd still rather see that than a woman using her new Samsung Galaxy III to watch Twilight on the subway.)

Of course, I didn't own a cell phone in the 1990s.  Maybe I was subconsciously waiting for the geniuses at AT&T to give them  more features, like texting and video streaming and connectivity to something called Facebook, as soon as that was invented just in time to usher in a new generation of pathetic addicts.  Or maybe it's because back then, teenagers just didn't own cell phones ;>).

By the dawn of the new millennium, phone companies were pretty much out of "this is why you need a cell phone" ads and had moved on to "this is why you want a cell phone" ads disguised as "this is why you need a cell phone" ads.  And the race to the bottom was on (I thought it was the ability to take a video and put it on YouTube four seconds later, but I'm sure we haven't reached it yet.)

(By the way....anyone else think that Mike was probably not all that disappointed to learn that his wife and kids would be a little late?  Jesus, you could cut glass with that voice.)

Oh yeah- this is really healthy, Hyundai

This just in:  Hatred of families isn't just for cell phone commercials anymore!

Seems that Hyundai has joined the Hi-LARIOUS fun of Mom v. Dad advertisements.  In their inaugural effort, it's clear right off the bat that Mom and Dad are divorced parents with joint custody of their kids and a world of pent-up resentment toward each other which is manifested in a determination to be Number One with the kids, at all costs.

Dad desperately wants to be The Coolest Father Ever by encouraging his little boy to use the Black Diamond Trail while skiing (and more importantly, to see Daddy using it.)  When Daddy has all his kids, he treats them to ice cream at some place which serves up two gallons of the stuff to each child.  Because he's a tv dad, he can't take the kids camping without setting fire to the tent.  And because Dad doesn't want to be hauled into court again, the constant mantra is Don't Tell Mom.

Meanwhile, Mom is running her own Favorite Parent Offensive, taking her kid paragliding (I don't know if that's really what happened here- is it conceivable that she found a jumping school willing to allow her kid to leap out of an airplane?)  Being a TV Mom, we don't see her doing any more incredibly stupid things- maybe because her one effort is insanely irresponsible enough, but I think it's more likely that TV Moms are really never shown being completely clueless, all-thumbs morons like TV Dads routinely are (no way were we going to see Mom applying a fire extinguisher to a tent, I can promise you that.)

Anyway, this is all really nasty and stupid, with an underlying level of sadness permeating the whole awful mess.  Let's say that Mom and Dad AREN'T divorced and at war for the affection of their children.  Let's say they are married.  So what we see here is that they are living double lives- when they are together, they are strangers who aren't aware that their partner is a fun-loving adventure seeker.  When they are apart, they secretly indulge their Inner Child for the benefit of their actual children- but are so frightened that the spouse may disapprove, they insist that the kids keep the secret from the other parent.  So they are married, they have kids- but they don't know each other.  Like I said, this is pretty sad.

Here's something else that's sad:  That Hyundai thinks this is funny.  And here's something that's both sad and predictable:  The Troglodyte knuckle-draggers over at YouTube think this is LOL AWESOME.   Of course, they think pretty much everything is LOL AWESOME.  Because they are children, too.

Smart TV, for an increasingly helpless culture

Even the usually clueless glue-sniffers over at YouTube get the punchline for this one- the little moppet sitting on the floor has spent so much time being ignored by the other people living in the house, who are so fixated on the Idiot Box Which Rules Over All, that his first words are "Hi, TV."

His proud mother, after noting that Big Brother In HD hasn't responded to moppet's voice command by streaming porn, can only whisper "Wow."  I don't know if the "wow" means "wow, his first words are a salutation to our television set," or "wow, we have that thing on and operating way too often, if it's come to this," but my guess is that it's far more likely to mean "Wow, what an awesome tv.  It even responds to the voice of that kid on the floor- what was his name again?"

Isn't it awesome that this "family" is spending so much time talking to the TV, waving at the tv, using the tv to browse the web and find directions to the hardware store and- let's face it- allow them to avoid any interaction with each other?  Is it safe to assume that if this television doesn't already respond with a personal greeting, the next generation (due out before Christmas) will?  Is it equally safe to assume that when THAT happens, the television just becomes the most popular member of the family?

Meanwhile, I've been talking to MY television for years.  Sure, it's mostly cursing, but how can you blame me?  Look at the crap I have to put up with from it.

Racist. Sexist. Stupid. Your Wal-Mart.

Hispanic women are so stupid, they find victories worthy of High-Fives in their ability to move their cart of Chinese junk to the Lay-Away desk at their local Wal-Mart.  Wow.  Aim High, Sister!!

Black men are so obsessed with big screen televisions and other shiny, glowing objects that they are incapable of noticing ten-foot signs which read WE HAVE LAYAWAY MORONS until a helpful Wal Mart drone points them out..

Hispanic women think that they have actually accomplished something when they commit to buying more than they can afford over a long period of time.  Heck, it worked out really well with that adjustable-rate mortgage, right?

Black men see monthly payments as "bite-sized chunks."  They think about how much they could buy if only everything could be purchased in "bite-sized chunks."  You get the feeling that this guy wistfully remembers the good old days, when VISA allowed him to carry a credit card.  That lasted until he decided that those $35 monthly minimum "bite-sized chunks" were still too big for him to swallow, and he went into default.

Hispanic women and black men are easily seduced by the siren song of the Lay-Away Plan.  The lyrics go  something like this: "Don't live within your means- it's Christmas, after all, and the economy depends on your willingness to go into debt to show people How Much You Love Them.  And it's So Simple- just a little money down, and then a little more every week, and when you get done paying you won't even notice how much you ended up spending because the whole process was so gradual.  And think how happy they'll be with their toys, their video games, their big-screen televisions....how can you put a price on that?"

So, to sum up:  Hispanic women and Black men are easily excited, illiterate children with no financial sense. Thanks for the update, Wal Mart.

Actually, Your Time has passed. Move along now.

"For some people, their time comes when they are young and good-looking and virile.  Sure, it means they get to have great, energetic sex with other young people without the use of expensive purple pills.  Sure, they are unencumbered by children so they can throw cheese and wine in the back of the car and head out for the coast in the middle of the night when the mood strikes them.  But....umm....but....well, I'm sure there are SOME disadvantages...."

"For me, My Time comes now- when I'm over fifty, and I'm up at dawn, ready for dinner at four and curled up in bed with a good book and my cat by eight.  I have to use the bathroom four times a night, I ache pretty much all the time, and I have the libido of a rotting turnip.  The body, too.  Yes, this is MY time.  My time to fall in love again."

All I can say is, thank you OurTime.com for not showing these ads during the dinner hour.  What I don't get is this- I saw this one right after the sixth inning of the Orioles-Rangers Wild Card game, around 10:30 PM Eastern Time.  I can't imagine any potential customers were still awake.

Oh, and a much more snarky Thank You for making me contemplate the idea that the people portrayed in these ads are actually having sex.  I hate you.

As Adrian Monk would say, "Ok, here's what happened..."

"Dog knew that Master was the recipient of an annuity, but that Master was a rather shiftless character who always managed to spend far more than he received from that annuity and was gradually teetering toward insolvency.   Dog realized that if this continued, he'd find himself on the street- and all because stupid Master was so stupid with money.

Dog couldn't let that happen- so Dog came up with a plan.  Dog managed to convince Master to call Peachtree Settlement Services and sell his Annuity for a lump sum of cash.  Suddenly there was money for cars and new doghouses and bones.

But Dog STILL had a problem- Master was as bad as ever with money.  He was going through that lump sum at a record pace.  If Dog didn't do SOMETHING, he was going to find himself right back where he was before Master called Peachtree- with an empty dog dish, a leaky dog house, and an annoying lack of chew bones.

So Dog arranged to murder Master in his sleep, and bury Master in the backyard.  None of the neighbors noticed anything unusual- after all, Dog was always digging in the back yard.  He's a dog, after all.  And because Dog had also convinced Master to call Legal Zoom months earlier, Dog knew that he would be inheriting what was left of Master's lump sum.

But at the Reading of the Will, Dog received an unpleasant surprise- Master hadn't left him his money in a lump sum, but had set up another annuity.  If Dog was going to live the kind of life he wanted- lots of eating and sleeping and licking himself in between checking with his Edward Jones guy- Dog had to get rid of that annuity.  Naturally, Dog called Peachtree Settlement Services again."

As Dog is lead off in....ummm....paw cuffs....he gives Monk (or that other network's Not Monk Ripoff So Stop Saying He Is, the Mentalist) a sidelong "I almost got away with it, I hate you but I also admire you" glance.  Roll credits.

Seriously, though- what DID happen to that Master guy between commercials?  And who is in that car that parks in the driveway in the first commercial?  And what use does Dog have with the convertible in the second commercial?

Man, I really think about this stuff way, way too much.