Fidelity to what, exactly?

This woman has managed to land herself a very nice house and has socked away what I'm going to guess is a significant pile of loot, but she can't get the nasty little reminders of her fertility to shut the f--up for a few moments while on the phone?

Or she considers the future of her nest egg to be so unimportant that it's perfectly ok with her if she can't quite hear everything the Fidelity guy on the phone is saying because those stupid kids are running around the house (while the sun streams through the windows) tossing toys all over the place screaming their asses off?

And what's with the "can you hold on a minute" bit?  She "uses" that minute to walk five steps, pick up one of her kids, and move him off the green line which has magically appeared on the floor.  Why does she do this? And what's with that kid, that he needs to be picked up and moved, and can't just be asked to step off the freaking line?

Personally, I think this commercial works much better as an ad for a dating service.  Desperate, harried, "Oh crap what did I get into" woman, watching her children rob her of her youth day by day, calls It's Just Lunch, hoping to meet a nice guy who can sweep her away from all this.  A green line appears on the floor- the green line to freedom.  Just move the kids out of the way, drop the phone, and head out the door, lady.  This is the first day of the rest of your life.

Fidelity?  With THESE kids? To hell with that.

That is a tv-typical spacious house, though.  I guess that was the honey that baited the trap.  Old story.

McDonalds gives me a threemendous headache

Well, it certainly appears that the "I'm Smart Because I Buy Off the Dollar Menu" campaign is over at McDonalds.  It won't be missed.  Unfortunately, it's been replaced by commercials for something called the "CBO."  I think it's a Cheddar, Bacon and Onion burger, which sounds pretty good until you remember it's from McDonalds.

Because it IS from McDonalds, it must be sold to us by the most intensely stupid-looking non-actors the-- ahem, "restaurant" can find.  These non-actors must be willing to bleat the most god-awful, juvenile lines to each other while keeping a grin on their faces and holding- but never actually eating- whatever warmed-over pile of dreck McDonalds is peddling to our impressionable youth this month.   Very often, it's only one line, and this time, it's only one word.  One Non-Word.  And that non-word is "Threemendous."

McDonalds would like the non-word Threemendous to become lodged in our brain and create irresistible images of fried ground beef and pork and cheese and onions which cannot be removed until we've all rushed off to the nearest--ahem, "restaurant" and snatched up one of these life-shortening sandwiches.  Won't take long, since nobody in the lower 48 lives more than ten minutes from a set of golden arches.  Lucky us.

Oddly enough, I don't get an image of fatty, salty, oily, sugary, artery-clogging junk when I think of the non-word "Threemendous."  Instead I envision a pick ax, and me driving it into the skulls of everyone responsible for this abomination.  And then wondering why nobody at McDonalds seems to have a soul,  because that annoying little appendage might actually convince at least a few people over at Corporate that with this whole obesity epidemic going on, maybe peddling this crap might be....I don't know...wrong?

At LEAST McDonalds could be as honest as Golden Corral is in THEIR ads.  Golden Corral shows us actual customers- bloated, clueless, tasteless pigs swooning over the Amazing Chocolate Wonderfall and Cotton Candy machine.  McDonalds shows us freaking models enjoying their putrid crud.  In reality, I'm the only good-looking person who EVER walks into a McDonalds.  And that's just to get coffee.  They've got good coffee.  It's not Threemendous, because that's not a f--ing word.  But it is good.

Marie Callender's: The Best Reason to Get Out, Fast

Kids don't just grow up fast on a steady diet of Marie Callender's fat-and-salt-laden crap; they grow OUT fast, too.

And maybe they wouldn't grow up so fast if they weren't so damned anxious to get out of the house while they still had a few functioning heart valves left.  Seriously, it's amazing how many of these kids of Clueless, Lazy-ass parents managed to GET to adulthood, considering the warmed-up junk constantly being shoveled at them during their formative years.

And the final "touching" scene of the Prodigal Son coming home for a surprise visit, and instantly being reminded why he left in the first place- Mom and Dad immediately "treat" him to-- another serving of Marie Callendars.  I want this guy to respond "Jesus F---ing Christ on a Pogo Stick, did either of you EVER consider cracking open a fricking COOK BOOK, even ONCE?"

Santa has traded his Norelco for a Mercedes Benz. And we like him a lot less

Well, it seems that Santa has done rather well for himself in the past year, doesn't it?


We've got unemployment at just under 8% as the "new normal."   We've got college becoming an out-of-reach fantasy to more and more young adults every single year.  We've got a President who is concocting what he calls a "Grand Bargain" involving taking a machete to the social safety net, accepting the bullshit talking point that Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid are the principle drivers of the deficit and must experience "sensible cuts."

Oh, but he's going to "ask the wealthy to pay a little more," so it's all OK.  WTF-ever, buddy.

We've got wages which peaked in the early-90s and costs which continue to rise.  Subsequently, we've got a  large population using credit cards to buy groceries and gasoline.   We've got families who are REGULARLY in debt, with monthly payments to VISA as automatic as the electric bill and mortgage.  We've got kids being raised by schools and by other kids while Mom and Dad both work full-time jobs (if they are both fortunate enough to HAVE jobs.)

Ah, but someone is thriving in this Brave New World.  Santa has a car collection that would put Jay Leno's to shame.  Warms the heart, doesn't it?

I can just guess who Santa voted for this year.  He almost certainly cast his vote for the Corporate whore who worships at the Shrine of Business and lets Wall Street determine the economic fate of the nation.  Or maybe he voted for Mitt Romney.  He certainly didn't vote for Jill Stein or any of the Non-productive Whiners Who Want Nanny Government And Cradle To Grave Care.  Fuck THOSE losers.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.  Ho Ho Ho.  The first Lexus Wrapped in a Red Ribbon commercials appearing on a television near you in 3.....2.....1.....

McDonalds commercials are disgusting and stupid in any language. Why am I not surprised?

Well, it's good to see that the rest of the planet is not being left out, isn't it?

You don't have to know the words to this song (I didn't check- can I assume a lot of YouTubers want to know what the song is and where they can get it?) to see that this commercial might as well be the trailer of the most predictable, asinine, fill-in-the-numbers teen angst movie ever made.  I mean, it's got "Can't Hardly Wait" smeared all over it.  I guess I'd like to know what the little girl found so mesmerizing about this little boy her mom weirdly decided to hook her up with when she was six years old- but on second thoughts, not really.  We see that despite a steady diet of sugared french fries and hot fudge sundaes from the world's biggest pig trough, Cute Little Boy and Cute Little Girl grow up to be reasonably healthy-looking human beings (seriously- where's the acne?  Where's the flab?  Where's the flushed complexions and sweat and shortened breath?)  Cute Little Girl found herself another guy (in true celluloid style, she Never Realized That The True Love Of Her Life Was Right In Front Of Her All AlongTM.)  In REAL life, Cute Girl isn't really expected to stay attached to Cute Boy She Met One Day At McDonalds when she was at that age where girls generally haven't made sex distinctions or, at most, think boys are Icky.  In Hollywood/McDonalds Ad Land, this means they were meant to be.

Cute Boy shows he's not ok with Cute Girl having actually grown up, breaking the Hollywood rules, and moving beyond him by dipping his french fries into his hot fudge sundae.   This is supposed to stir something in Cute Girl's heart, I guess.  Again- in REAL life, Cute Girl respond with "ick, what the hell are you doing?  We used to eat bugs, too- are you going to do THAT in front of me?  Grow the f--k up!"  In Reel Life, all the---umm, "feelings" that Cute Girl felt for Cute Boy back when they still believed in Santa Claus come rushing back, and Cute Girl dumps the guy she's only known for a few months, not when she was wetting the bed over the prospect of lunch at McDonalds.

See?  Told you you didn't have to know the words to this song.

Why didn't Microsoft just go with "Shallow?'

It's cheap!  It's plastic!  It comes in pretty colors!  It's mostly disposable!

In other words, it fits in PERFECTLY with the modern American lifestyle!

It's called "Surface," and incredibly, it's NOT a parody product reviewed by The Onion.  As near as I can tell, it's a flimsy, thin piece of electronic junk which is JUST cheap enough to convince you that when it inevitably cracks and breaks it's no big deal, just pitch it into the nearest garbage can and get yourself another one.  And if you don't break it in the first two or three months of ownership, well- BONUS!!  It's been upgraded to be even thinner and lighter and fragile!  Yay!

I can see this becoming the next Must-Have product for a generation that has grown up with cell phones which go from being the Kewlest Thing Evah to Outdated Junk in less than half a year.  I can see kids with huge college debt and no jobs somehow managing to justify owning this shiny, rather inferior substitute for a laptop (or, better yet, a fricking notepad and pen- that was more than good enough for me when I was in college, which no was NOT fifty years ago.)

And I fully expect that around this time next year, I'll be seeing plenty of these things scattered along the side of the road as I take my day hikes (26 miles today, new record, yay me!) crowding out cell phones and beer cans for space among the piles of rubble.  Because there's no overestimating the stupidity of the American buying public.  Microsoft is, as always, banking on it.

Discover another reason why Death is not such a bad thing

Why a sudden, massive heart attack which leaves me cold on the floor would be welcome right about now:

1.  This commercial played during every commercial break of the Pittsburgh/Notre Dame contest.  Every. Single. One.

2.  The guy who wrote this commercial thinks he's clever.  You just know he does.  Douchenozzles are like that.

3.  The guy who narrates this commercial badly needs an iron spike applied to his skull.  Right now.

4.  The good people at Discover Card who signed off on this ad need to be huddled into a small, cramped room and made to watch it for 24 hours straight.  Because you know they'll never watch it voluntarily.

BTW, check out the "comments" from the children who populate the YouTube world.  For some reason only one of the drooling chimps who live over at YouTube could explain to me (and no, that isn't an invitation,) several posters felt compelled to type out the script of this god-awful, painful pile of steaming dreck.  Well, at least none of them are asking "what is this song wats the name of this song lol I love this song what is that song?'  At this point, I really have to thank God for small favors.