Add "Being a Chef" to the list of things AmeriTrade doesn't have a clue about

On the first day of his new job, Joe's boss gave him two pieces of advice:  "Cook what you love, and save your money."

Very interesting.

Joe took his boss at his word- and proceeded to make beef stew with dumplings, and apple pie.  Because that's what he loves to cook.  And when the boss tried to remind Joe that he's working in a Pakistani Restaurant, Joe got very confused.  "Remember that hackneyed, bumper-sticker advice you gave me?" asked Joe.

When Joe's boss replied "Um, no.  I'm sure I was just talking out of my ass, because I had nothing to say that was actually constructive" Joe proceeded to remind his Boss about the whole "cook what you love" crap.

Boss's response was "umm...yeah, I guess I did say that.  But I say a lot of really stupid things.  What I MEANT was, cook what the customer orders."

Joe tells his boss that he now no longer has any confidence in the Boss's integrity, since he keeps changing his message.  It was bad enough when that asshole at the next table dumped flour on his head (an email has already been filed with Human Resources) but now Boss is going back on HALF of all the advice he gave on the very first day Joe was an employee!

Boss then asks "what was the second half?"  Joe responds "you told me to save my money."  Boss replies "now THAT was good advice.  Because if you make one more pot of beef stew and dumplings, or one more apple pie, you are going to be on the unemployment line."

"And here's some more advice- stop taking my BS as gospel.  Because if I knew anything about being a chef, I'd be cooking, not sitting in my office in the back trying to figure out how to get my waitresses down to ninety cents an hour."

Of course, all this could have been avoided if TD AmeriTrade had bothered to learn even a little bit about what it's like to be a Chef.  It's not Rocket Science.

(BTW, is there any place on Earth where people "work their way up" from busser, to waiter, to chef?  What does one skill have to do with the next?  When I notice that a familiar waitress is no longer at my favorite restaurant, should I assume that she's now behind the scenes, cooking?  Because I always thought she had just moved on to a different job.  Have I been wrong all this time?)

Chevy Steps All Over Its Message in this one

This is one of Chevy's more honest ads- sure, they exploit the whole Santa as a Car Salesman thing for roughly the 400th time, but at least they admit that their Cars Crashing Through the Wilderness and Big Strong Dirty Guys NEEDING Trucks to do Man Stuff ads are basically bullshit.  That's something.

In this ad, Stupid Not Very Good Car Salesman Santa ( who btw can come up with TWO items of praise for this truck- that it's "Dependable" and that it's "Long-Lasting, too"- which sounds a lot like one reason to me) doesn't get that when unshaven slob Alpha Male Wannabee says "I really need this truck," the proper response is "let's get to work on that paperwork so you can go about your rugged, masculine business, then" not "oh really?  And exactly why does a guy with a wife and three kids who lives on Happy Cherry Lane in Levittown "need" with a truck again?"

Because you see, Stupid Car Salesman Santa, it's your job to sell these pointless Man Toys, not talk potential shlub customers like this ugly doofus out of buying one by interrogating him about his non-existent hunting and fishing until he breaks down and cries on your shoulder about how pathetic and civilized his life is.   And it is pathetic- not because hunting and fishing is pathetic, but because this guy thinks that he needs to impress a fat oaf in a white beard by exaggerating what he thinks is the measure of his masculinity.

Personally, you'd think the guy would be satisfied with having even a small part of the package- he's scruffy, unshaven, and at least showing an INTEREST in buying a rugged Man Truck.  It's better than crying, which no real man ever does.  Right?

Droid's weird concept of time and space makes my head hurt

Sometimes commercials are so full of stupid, it's pretty much impossible for me to figure out what route to take in snarking on them.  I honestly have no idea what is happening at any moment in this advertisement for this month's Must Have Phone, the "Droid Razr," which is Cool Because There's No E in Razr.

This guy uses his phone as an alarm clock (hey, I can do that with my phone, it's Droid Razr-Like!)  He apparently gets out of bed fully clothed, including shoes.  Then he uses the phone to- watch tv?  Operate his sound system?  I don't know what he's doing.  You'd think a shower and shave would be higher priorities than Making Sure The Phone Does Everything You Used To Have To Do For the 200th Time Since Yesterday.

And then it seems that he's "trapped" in his bedroom, which has no roof, and which features what look to be rather easily-scaleable five-foot walls.  Because he's got some intensely juvenile game on his phone, he can blow a hole in the wall?  Or is this weapon an actual, downloadable App?  Again, I really don't know.

So I'll ignore all the Stupid which leads up to what I don't think is supposed to be a punchline-- "The Droid Razr.  Now, more than ever."

"Now more than Ever?"  The Droid Razr was introduced in alllll the way back in November 2011.  That's an entire Year Ago.  A YEAR.  The Droid Razr HD was introduced in SEPTEMBER, 2012.  Two months (or three versions of the Kindle) ago.  "Now more than Ever?"  Really?

What's on that Samsung Galaxy Video

Take your pick.  The video Mommy made for Daddy that he's not supposed to watch on the plane is

A)  A streaming video of a recent Sixty Minutes Report on the shocking discovery that more than half of all passenger planes have faulty cargo doors that tend to pop open at 20,000 feet, sucking the plane's contents into the stratosphere, or

B)  A Dear John Video- as in "Dear John, while you are away on yet another 'business trip' with that whore secretary of yours, I'm emptying the bank account and running off with the guy from the Samsung kiosk.  The kids are with your mother.  Don't call."  Or

C)  What we are supposed to think it is- an X-rated video this woman made to....umm..."entertain" the guy while he's away.  Which means she's not his wife, and those aren't her kids.  She's the babysitter.  Because married women with kids don't do this.

Whatever it is, her warning isn't going to do any good, of course.  Because it doesn't matter how inappropriate the video might be in an non-private setting.  We all know that owners of phones like this don't give a flying damn who is listening to their conversations (I have heard far more about the personal lives of total strangers through their phone banter than I ever wanted to) or who is within earshot of their music- they SURE aren't going to start caring about who is watching and listening to Babysitter be what she thinks is sexy on a video.*  So good luck, people who are sitting within three aisles of this guy- you are going to get an earful.  And if you crane your neck a little, maybe even an eyeful.**

*Yes, I'm going with Option C on this one.

**What I REALLY hope is that Babysitter is sick of Daddy and knows he's a clueless, inconsiderate douchenozzle who WILL watch her video on the plane- and the video consists of her yelling really loudly "I DID WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO- I PLANTED THE BOMB IN YOUR SUITCASE!!  ALL PRAISE TO ALLAH!!!"

(BTW, anyone else think that look Babysitter gives Daddy just after she says "don't watch it on the plane" is far more Creepy than it is Cute or Sexy?  Brrrr.)

Wal Mart, Black Friday, and the Triumph of Greed over Humanity

In case you hadn't heard, at Wal Mart "Black Friday," that annual celebration of gross excess and the unlimited power of marketing and corporate greed, will once again begin on Thursday Evening.  That's Thanksgiving Day.  You know, that secular holiday where the Banks and Schools and Post Offices are all closed so that we can all get together with our loved ones (or our families) to share our gratitude for getting through another year safe and sound.

Which means it's time for our friends over at FOX to send out the regular parade of scum-sucking, corporation-worshiping, subhuman pigs to rant against the GALL of minimum-wage workers wanting to (gasp!) spend an ENTIRE DAY with their families every last Thursday in November, the lazy ungrateful bastards.  Spencer Hughes over at Ultimate Corporate Whore Radio (XM/Sirius Fox Channel) is especially talented at this, raving that the shelf-stockers and floor cleaners and greeters and cashiers who are "lucky" enough to have a job at Wal Mart should be "grateful" for the opportunity to work, considering that so many people don't have employment at all in These Hard Times, and they'll Never Get Ahead if they don't give up their Slovenly Ways.  Hughes likes to call such people, who have the nerve to have Family Values like "I want to have dinner with my family like everyone else instead of rushing off to help people load 45-inch flat screens onto carts like I'll be doing for the next month anyway" even though they are are struggling to keep their heads above water "pathetic whiners," and then strongly encourage their Betters at Wal Mart to fire their useless, bitching asses.

Hughes and his braying ilk may take a call now and then from an informed citizen who tries to question the morality of a company which is owned by six siblings who were Productive and Hard-Working enough to accomplish being the spawn of Sam Walton, each of whom will make more money in unearned interest every month than most people will see in a lifetime of toil, squeezing even more unneeded profit out of  their tired, discouraged wage slaves by forcing desperate, frightened employees to cut their holidays short every Thanksgiving.   They'll respond by calling the questioner Jealous, Lazy and-- always-- Ungrateful.  The message will be received, and the next five callers will agree that the Waltons should just can all these losers and replace them with people who understand the virtue of hard work and unquestioned loyalty to the Boss- and then regale us with their own Rags to Riches story, and how they Worked Very Hard Since The Day They Were Born and how Nobody Ever Gave Them Anything and how they Earned Every Penny They Have.

Oh, and "Obamacare."   Just Because.

I'm not sure why these hosts don't include the sound effect of a whip cracking in the background during their "oh boo hoo you can't have dinner with your family, next year start a business and get rich like you are supposed to if you don't like it" spittle-thons.  It would certainly fit.  I mean, think about it- they are glorifying the success of a corporation built on the product of Chinese slave labor, sold by Americans they can pay next to nothing because of their success at Union-busting.  (Please, don't get these people started on UNIONS. They killed American business- which means, they killed America- you know.)

I wonder if, when these soulless dicks watch A Christmas Carol with their deductibles-- err, children-- they pause the DVD at the part where Scrooge complains that Bob Cratchit wants Christmas Day off and explain to the family how the scene would play better if Cratchit fell to his knees and kissed Scrooge's ass to show his gratitude- and how Scrooge would have been perfectly justified in just tossing Cratchit out into the snow (no Socialist Unemployment Insurance back then, either- ah, the Good Old Days!)  My guess is that they just explain that Cratchit is just like those lazy, stupid, 47% Takers not Makers who work at Wal Mart yet for some reason think that they are entitled to Holidays like everyone else, even though They Don't Even Pay Taxes.  The nerve. They clearly don't get that the Waltons are more deserving of another several hundred million dollars they can never spend than the workers are of a few more hours with their families.

Coming next year:  Wal Mart's Huge Enormous Can't Be Missed Post-Christmas Spectacular starts at Noon, December 25.  Better get those gifts unwrapped quickly- you are expected on the floor.

CRRRAAACK!!

Fidelity to what, exactly?

This woman has managed to land herself a very nice house and has socked away what I'm going to guess is a significant pile of loot, but she can't get the nasty little reminders of her fertility to shut the f--up for a few moments while on the phone?

Or she considers the future of her nest egg to be so unimportant that it's perfectly ok with her if she can't quite hear everything the Fidelity guy on the phone is saying because those stupid kids are running around the house (while the sun streams through the windows) tossing toys all over the place screaming their asses off?

And what's with the "can you hold on a minute" bit?  She "uses" that minute to walk five steps, pick up one of her kids, and move him off the green line which has magically appeared on the floor.  Why does she do this? And what's with that kid, that he needs to be picked up and moved, and can't just be asked to step off the freaking line?

Personally, I think this commercial works much better as an ad for a dating service.  Desperate, harried, "Oh crap what did I get into" woman, watching her children rob her of her youth day by day, calls It's Just Lunch, hoping to meet a nice guy who can sweep her away from all this.  A green line appears on the floor- the green line to freedom.  Just move the kids out of the way, drop the phone, and head out the door, lady.  This is the first day of the rest of your life.

Fidelity?  With THESE kids? To hell with that.

That is a tv-typical spacious house, though.  I guess that was the honey that baited the trap.  Old story.

McDonalds gives me a threemendous headache

Well, it certainly appears that the "I'm Smart Because I Buy Off the Dollar Menu" campaign is over at McDonalds.  It won't be missed.  Unfortunately, it's been replaced by commercials for something called the "CBO."  I think it's a Cheddar, Bacon and Onion burger, which sounds pretty good until you remember it's from McDonalds.

Because it IS from McDonalds, it must be sold to us by the most intensely stupid-looking non-actors the-- ahem, "restaurant" can find.  These non-actors must be willing to bleat the most god-awful, juvenile lines to each other while keeping a grin on their faces and holding- but never actually eating- whatever warmed-over pile of dreck McDonalds is peddling to our impressionable youth this month.   Very often, it's only one line, and this time, it's only one word.  One Non-Word.  And that non-word is "Threemendous."

McDonalds would like the non-word Threemendous to become lodged in our brain and create irresistible images of fried ground beef and pork and cheese and onions which cannot be removed until we've all rushed off to the nearest--ahem, "restaurant" and snatched up one of these life-shortening sandwiches.  Won't take long, since nobody in the lower 48 lives more than ten minutes from a set of golden arches.  Lucky us.

Oddly enough, I don't get an image of fatty, salty, oily, sugary, artery-clogging junk when I think of the non-word "Threemendous."  Instead I envision a pick ax, and me driving it into the skulls of everyone responsible for this abomination.  And then wondering why nobody at McDonalds seems to have a soul,  because that annoying little appendage might actually convince at least a few people over at Corporate that with this whole obesity epidemic going on, maybe peddling this crap might be....I don't know...wrong?

At LEAST McDonalds could be as honest as Golden Corral is in THEIR ads.  Golden Corral shows us actual customers- bloated, clueless, tasteless pigs swooning over the Amazing Chocolate Wonderfall and Cotton Candy machine.  McDonalds shows us freaking models enjoying their putrid crud.  In reality, I'm the only good-looking person who EVER walks into a McDonalds.  And that's just to get coffee.  They've got good coffee.  It's not Threemendous, because that's not a f--ing word.  But it is good.