The slow progression from annoying to unbearable, courtesy of Verizon

"This is perfect" pathetic, lonely cat lady says.  You can tell she's pathetic and lonely because

1.  She's sitting all by herself on a couch
2.  She's sitting with a cat,
3.  She's got an empty carton of ice cream on the couch with her (hey, let's leave no Pathetic Lonely Friendless Woman cliche' left unmilked here, Verizon,)
4.  Watching tv on a phone is her definition of "perfect," and
5.  She's wearing glasses.  Yes, that really does mean she's pathetic to the people who wrote this commercial. Not to me- she does plenty later on to reveal herself as truly pathetic.  She didn't need the glasses or the cat.

So pretty soon, because she's got this Verizone NFL Mobile thingee, she's out and about and annoying the hell out of everyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of her (and she gets louder and louder, so that distance increases throughout the ad.)  She becomes one of those disgusting, anal Know It Alls because she's become permanently attached to her stupid phone, and permanently attached to the NFL through it.

She's bleating stats and "AWW YAYAHH," which in my opinion should bring the death penalty to anyone who utters in in public.  She's holding up lines and forcing everyone around here to "enjoy" the NFL because God Fucking Forbid Anyone In These Commercials Ever Uses Headphones (of course, the non-use of headphones is always demonstrated as a plus in these ads- see, because she's willing to "share," she's made all these awesome friends.)

In the end, she insists on performing some juvenile little ritual that results in someone getting barbecue mashed in his face.  Seems like this is happening during a party of some kind, but that's not surprising- I can't count how many times I've seen people in commercials attending parties, weddings, family picnics, etc. yet are frozen to their God Damned Phones.  It's also not surprising that the guy who gets food all over him courtesy of Miss Verizon Jackass is completely nonplussed about the whole thing.  After all, Idiot Girl was watching her phone.  What did he expect?

Anyway, this ad kind of reminds me of the "Get DirectTV or horrible things will happen to you" ads in reverse- because this woman realized she had this awesome service from Verizon, she got herself out of the house, ditched the glasses, went to a hair stylist, changed her wardrobe and became popular with Fellow Brain-Dead Losers Who Can't Get Enough of the NFL.   Get the message?  Don't be a pathetic cat lady sitting quietly on the couch reading a book or watching non-NFL stuff on tv.   Get the NFL from Verizon.  Be a pathetic cat lady who annoys the freaking hell out of the planet.  Much better.

John Hancock presents the endless saga of the whiny Investor Class

Ah, yes, we all feel for you guys, we really do.

It must be so hard.  There you are, sitting in your enormous living rooms, in front of your roaring fires, with your SUVs sitting in the garages and twinkling holiday lights adorning your palatial suburban estates.  To the clueless who don't "get" your situation-  the overworked and underpaid who can't save a nickle because wages peaked in the 70s but inflation continues unabated- life looks pretty damned good for you.  Shows what they know.

After all, they don't have anything close to the headaches you have.  Like, deciding between the Aspen or Switzerland ski vacations.  The crowds over at Fresh Fields Market.  Keeping an eye on the cleaning lady (and calculating her Social Security deductions, if you decide to go the Hiring Only American Citizens route.)  Getting Cody to Tai Kwon Do and Keira to ballet and swim lessons.  Interviewing Au Pairs.  Seriously, it never ends.

And they really don't have a clue about the hassle of Disposable Income.  They are the lucky ones- they have to spend every penny they get.  They don't know about Investments and IRAs and Portfolios.  They might worry about paying the electric bill and keeping the heat turned on and getting enough food on the table for their kids, but they've never tossed and turned wondering if that $30K you dropped into Hog Futures is going to pay off, or maybe it would have been better to put it into that Lexus Cody has his heart set on.  They know they are going to work until they drop, and if they DO retire because they are so broken down no one will hire them, they've got that very limited, very easy to manage Social Security check as their sole means of support- simple.  They'll never have to juggle several Income Streams, manage multiple homes, or set up annuities.  Not to mention 401(ks)-- the tax implications alone can drive you straight to the chardonnay and brie.

So thank you, John Hancock, for giving the vast majority of us yet another reason to feel Thankful this Holiday Season.  Maybe we've got student loan bills.  Maybe we are overworked and underpaid.  Maybe we don't even HAVE jobs and aren't quite sure where the next rent check is coming from.  But at least we aren't getting the kind of ulcers reserved for the Most Productive.  Man, my heart really goes out to THEM.

Me too,Crazy Wal Mart Lady. Me too.

I live 550 miles from my parents and siblings, but I make it back for the big holidays most years.  This year I made Thanksgiving, and I'll be back for Christmas too.  Lots of traveling, lots of expense, but it's worth it.

A few years back, we gathered together to give gifts- and three hours later, we were exhausted, surrounded by paper and boxes and trinkets of affection that made several of us more than a little queezy with the excess of it all.  So the following year, we decided more than a month in advance- NO GIFTS.  Just being together was enough.  And every Christmas since then has been much less stressful, much more relaxing.  Sure, we are partially responsible for gutting the economy, but too damned bad.  This is better.

So, Crazy Wal Mart Lady who thinks that she's actually spreading happiness by purchasing hundreds of pieces of cheap crap made in China, putting herself in debt to continue the vicious Stuff=Happiness Cycle-- you fail, utterly.  The neighbors were right- you really are a loser.  That's why you find triumph in your ability to waste money and raise kids to think that Christmas is all about temporary pleasure found in shiny plastic crap purchased with shiny plastic cards.  I'm glad you're done, until next year.  When you can relive this empty triumph all over again.  Have fun.  I will- with my family.  Sans Junk.  Takes all kinds, I guess.

(BTW: Check out the banner in the background:  "More Christmas, Less Money."  Yes, because the amount of "Christmas" you have depends on the number of gifts you hand out.  Disgusting.)

Add "Being a Chef" to the list of things AmeriTrade doesn't have a clue about

On the first day of his new job, Joe's boss gave him two pieces of advice:  "Cook what you love, and save your money."

Very interesting.

Joe took his boss at his word- and proceeded to make beef stew with dumplings, and apple pie.  Because that's what he loves to cook.  And when the boss tried to remind Joe that he's working in a Pakistani Restaurant, Joe got very confused.  "Remember that hackneyed, bumper-sticker advice you gave me?" asked Joe.

When Joe's boss replied "Um, no.  I'm sure I was just talking out of my ass, because I had nothing to say that was actually constructive" Joe proceeded to remind his Boss about the whole "cook what you love" crap.

Boss's response was "umm...yeah, I guess I did say that.  But I say a lot of really stupid things.  What I MEANT was, cook what the customer orders."

Joe tells his boss that he now no longer has any confidence in the Boss's integrity, since he keeps changing his message.  It was bad enough when that asshole at the next table dumped flour on his head (an email has already been filed with Human Resources) but now Boss is going back on HALF of all the advice he gave on the very first day Joe was an employee!

Boss then asks "what was the second half?"  Joe responds "you told me to save my money."  Boss replies "now THAT was good advice.  Because if you make one more pot of beef stew and dumplings, or one more apple pie, you are going to be on the unemployment line."

"And here's some more advice- stop taking my BS as gospel.  Because if I knew anything about being a chef, I'd be cooking, not sitting in my office in the back trying to figure out how to get my waitresses down to ninety cents an hour."

Of course, all this could have been avoided if TD AmeriTrade had bothered to learn even a little bit about what it's like to be a Chef.  It's not Rocket Science.

(BTW, is there any place on Earth where people "work their way up" from busser, to waiter, to chef?  What does one skill have to do with the next?  When I notice that a familiar waitress is no longer at my favorite restaurant, should I assume that she's now behind the scenes, cooking?  Because I always thought she had just moved on to a different job.  Have I been wrong all this time?)

Chevy Steps All Over Its Message in this one

This is one of Chevy's more honest ads- sure, they exploit the whole Santa as a Car Salesman thing for roughly the 400th time, but at least they admit that their Cars Crashing Through the Wilderness and Big Strong Dirty Guys NEEDING Trucks to do Man Stuff ads are basically bullshit.  That's something.

In this ad, Stupid Not Very Good Car Salesman Santa ( who btw can come up with TWO items of praise for this truck- that it's "Dependable" and that it's "Long-Lasting, too"- which sounds a lot like one reason to me) doesn't get that when unshaven slob Alpha Male Wannabee says "I really need this truck," the proper response is "let's get to work on that paperwork so you can go about your rugged, masculine business, then" not "oh really?  And exactly why does a guy with a wife and three kids who lives on Happy Cherry Lane in Levittown "need" with a truck again?"

Because you see, Stupid Car Salesman Santa, it's your job to sell these pointless Man Toys, not talk potential shlub customers like this ugly doofus out of buying one by interrogating him about his non-existent hunting and fishing until he breaks down and cries on your shoulder about how pathetic and civilized his life is.   And it is pathetic- not because hunting and fishing is pathetic, but because this guy thinks that he needs to impress a fat oaf in a white beard by exaggerating what he thinks is the measure of his masculinity.

Personally, you'd think the guy would be satisfied with having even a small part of the package- he's scruffy, unshaven, and at least showing an INTEREST in buying a rugged Man Truck.  It's better than crying, which no real man ever does.  Right?

Droid's weird concept of time and space makes my head hurt

Sometimes commercials are so full of stupid, it's pretty much impossible for me to figure out what route to take in snarking on them.  I honestly have no idea what is happening at any moment in this advertisement for this month's Must Have Phone, the "Droid Razr," which is Cool Because There's No E in Razr.

This guy uses his phone as an alarm clock (hey, I can do that with my phone, it's Droid Razr-Like!)  He apparently gets out of bed fully clothed, including shoes.  Then he uses the phone to- watch tv?  Operate his sound system?  I don't know what he's doing.  You'd think a shower and shave would be higher priorities than Making Sure The Phone Does Everything You Used To Have To Do For the 200th Time Since Yesterday.

And then it seems that he's "trapped" in his bedroom, which has no roof, and which features what look to be rather easily-scaleable five-foot walls.  Because he's got some intensely juvenile game on his phone, he can blow a hole in the wall?  Or is this weapon an actual, downloadable App?  Again, I really don't know.

So I'll ignore all the Stupid which leads up to what I don't think is supposed to be a punchline-- "The Droid Razr.  Now, more than ever."

"Now more than Ever?"  The Droid Razr was introduced in alllll the way back in November 2011.  That's an entire Year Ago.  A YEAR.  The Droid Razr HD was introduced in SEPTEMBER, 2012.  Two months (or three versions of the Kindle) ago.  "Now more than Ever?"  Really?

What's on that Samsung Galaxy Video

Take your pick.  The video Mommy made for Daddy that he's not supposed to watch on the plane is

A)  A streaming video of a recent Sixty Minutes Report on the shocking discovery that more than half of all passenger planes have faulty cargo doors that tend to pop open at 20,000 feet, sucking the plane's contents into the stratosphere, or

B)  A Dear John Video- as in "Dear John, while you are away on yet another 'business trip' with that whore secretary of yours, I'm emptying the bank account and running off with the guy from the Samsung kiosk.  The kids are with your mother.  Don't call."  Or

C)  What we are supposed to think it is- an X-rated video this woman made to....umm..."entertain" the guy while he's away.  Which means she's not his wife, and those aren't her kids.  She's the babysitter.  Because married women with kids don't do this.

Whatever it is, her warning isn't going to do any good, of course.  Because it doesn't matter how inappropriate the video might be in an non-private setting.  We all know that owners of phones like this don't give a flying damn who is listening to their conversations (I have heard far more about the personal lives of total strangers through their phone banter than I ever wanted to) or who is within earshot of their music- they SURE aren't going to start caring about who is watching and listening to Babysitter be what she thinks is sexy on a video.*  So good luck, people who are sitting within three aisles of this guy- you are going to get an earful.  And if you crane your neck a little, maybe even an eyeful.**

*Yes, I'm going with Option C on this one.

**What I REALLY hope is that Babysitter is sick of Daddy and knows he's a clueless, inconsiderate douchenozzle who WILL watch her video on the plane- and the video consists of her yelling really loudly "I DID WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO- I PLANTED THE BOMB IN YOUR SUITCASE!!  ALL PRAISE TO ALLAH!!!"

(BTW, anyone else think that look Babysitter gives Daddy just after she says "don't watch it on the plane" is far more Creepy than it is Cute or Sexy?  Brrrr.)