Kmart is just asking us to be brave....

..that is, at least as brave as a fat, unshaven slob who thinks he's doing something worthwhile by sitting in his mommy's basement playing Black Ops.

You actually need a somewhat higher level of bravery to deal with the knowledge that Christmas is still weeks away.  And that there are a LOT of these commercials.  And that they all have to get lots and lots of airtime between now and December 25.

Maybe you can't get to the mute button every time.  But here's something you CAN do to make this a little more bearable:  don't go to YouTube and read the "What is this Song I want this Song where can I find this Song what is this Song" prattle from the knuckle-dragging mouth breathers who live to find the artist behind every 2-second bit of music that has ever appeared on television, ever.  I've often asked them what horrible thing has happened in their lives to make them such pathetic, bottom-feeding, SAD losers, but they always respond with a kind of garbled, sort-of-intelligible gibberish that I think is supposed to be a negative reaction to my query. Then, I imagine, they go back to hunting down commercials with music and asking about the artists and availability again.  Maybe they take a break from time to time to play Black Ops.  Or attempt to respond to me with their own very special brand of "English."  Whatever makes them happy and won't cause accidental cuts, I guess.

Maybe I'm being overly harsh here. I mean, it IS just Radio Shack after all....

All we need to put a big, bright Happy Ending to this nasty, obnoxious little mess of an ad is for a Killer Good Samaritan to give this idiot a Killer push into the next Killer oncoming train.   Since that's a little too nasty even for Your Place For Cheap Batteries, I'd settle for Idiot Girl to fumble her Killer Phone onto the tracks so we can see it getting smushed by said Killer oncoming train.

There are about a dozen of these god-awful "my new phone" ads from Radio Shack, that hole in the wall at the mall which used to be the place to go for junk remote control cars for Christmas that would be out of service and in the landfills long before summer came around.  And AM/FM signal "boosters" which boost absolutely nothing.  And "salespeople" who didn't have the slightest idea what they are doing.  Oh, and those cheap batteries.

Now, Radio Shack is apparently the place to go for phones if you are one of the 3000 or so people in the United States who don't live within two miles of a Verizon or Sprint store.

And apparently the only thing they teach you about your new phone at Radio Shack is how to hit the "Video" button and wave it in front of your stupid, fat face while you blather witlessly about your new purchase.  At least if you finished your little missive by slamming into a train or a car or a tree, you'd provide a little entertainment to the two friends you have left who can still bear to be near you.  Hell, you might even "go Viral" (ugh.)  But it looks to me like the people recording themselves singing praises of their phones are doing it only for their personal amusement (it's really hard to imagine that anyone would watch this unless they were doing it for their stupid blog, entitled "Look at this Self-Absorbed Twat.") Which is actually more sad than funny.

Still...would it be too much to ask that this woman fall into a stump grinder at around the 16-second mark?

It's December, which means it's time for Lexus to bring the Hate

If you don't absolutely loathe the people in this commercial, and everything about them, by the time the screen fades to black then all I can say is that you are a far, far better person than I am.

I mean, come on.  Disgustingly happy white family living in immaculately-decorated Suburban mansion head out to dinner at Upscale Trendy Restaurant in their tricked-out red Lexus SUV.  What more do you want?

How about that Mommy seems to see this weird recipe for Dead Bird on some restaurant's webpage, "Likes" it, and five minutes later is off to the restaurant to consume it?  What is that all about, anyway?  It says "Recipe"- but she doesn't attempt to cook it, she wraps up her Perfect Family and goes out to have it cooked and served to her.  I believe this is being sold to us as "better" than "Liking" it because...she gets to spend more time with her family?

How about that Mommy looks like a model for Clairol?  Or that Daddy has that prerequisite three-day's-growth Eurotrash beard going, not to mention the $100 haircut and the Just-Right wardrobe?  How about the perpetually delighted kids who finish up the package?  Or maybe it's all of the fucking "We are So Damned Happy All The Time You Would Be Too If You Were Us" grinning?

And how about that Upscale Trendy Restaurant, where emotionless wage slave Server (this place doesn't have waitresses, believe me) brings Mommy's three and a half mouthfuls of what looks like Garnished Nightingale in light wine sauce (I don't know what that's supposed to be.  I can only guess that it's the specialty of the Upscale Trendy Restaurant, it's something that the Help in the Back quietly snigger about whenever pompous rich dicks choose it, and that it costs around $50 a plate.  And that the people who order it have no idea how much it costs, and couldn't care less?)

So, again- if you don't really really hope that something horrible happens to these people on the way back to BetterThanYou Estates, you are a far better person that I am.  Not that that's saying much.  But still-what is the matter with you?

Later, the guy at the Honda dealership lets this kid take a Civic out for a test drive

As near as I can figure, Mommy has brought Junior with her to Best Buy to do some Christmas shopping in this ad.  There are an awful lot of commercials out there showing parents with their kids Christmas shopping. I've never understood this.  My parents never brought me shopping with them when they went to get presents.  Ok, so maybe Mommy can't afford a sitter (but she's checking out Apple products- Priorities, Priorities!)  Maybe she's not buying for Junior.  I don't know.

But never mind that, because now the ad goes cutesy, and then a little creepy.  Mom suddenly vanishes, leaving Junior free to play with all the Very Expensive Toys available at Best Buy.  The kid uses an I Phone to locate and attempt to call Santa (I think it's kind of sad that a kid this age knows how to manipulate the technology like this.  I would have no idea how to ask an I Phone a question like this myself.)  When that doesn't work, he looks for Santa online.  Another fail.

Then Best Buy Employee- who doesn't seem to mind that Mom has apparently decided that the store will make a perfectly good baby sitter while she runs off to do her REAL Christmas shopping (the employee TOLD HER that the Apple products were awesome- why is Junior the only one checking them out?  Is the final decision to purchase up to this kid?)  He makes a "helpful" suggestion to the kid to look for Santa on "Facetime" or something (no, I don't want to know what this is, thanks anyway.)  Frankly, if I worked at Best Buy and saw a kid this age fucking around with an a piece of expensive, fragile equipment, I'd give him a suggestion that didn't sound like "keep using that."

Except...maybe Best Buy Employee wants Junior to break the piece of expensive, fragile equipment so that if and when Mommy ever comes back, she might be forced to pay for it.  Not a great idea, Best Buy Employee, because Mommy could turn around and accuse you of steering your kid to inappropriate internet sites (I can imagine that "Talk to Santa" can lead to a hundred nasty places) and even if she ends up paying for the damaged device, the store manager isn't going to appreciate your methods all that much.  Hey, maybe Best Buy Employee is trying to get himself fired?  Or maybe he knows what his regular paycheck looks like and is just thinking "I don't give a flying damn if the kid breaks something I know I will never be able to afford as long as I work here, so to hell with it."

Wal Mart's salute to itself--err, I mean, Our Troops, of course

As near as I can tell, Wal Mart uses this manipulative pile of glurge to thank the US military for making the world safe for rampant Consumerism, exploitation, life-sucking Capitalism and the obsessive pursuit of the almighty dollar.  Thanks, Troops!

Meanwhile, I bet Billy's dad would have preferred an end to pointless, stupid, wasteful, bloody, morally indefensible wars which leave grieving widows and parents on both sides of the planet- or at least a few weeks of holiday leave- to a fucking blizzard.  Great wishing there, Billy.

This warmed-over serving of dreck reminds me of all those Hallmark Holiday movies which feature "angels" being sent down from "heaven" to teach nonconformist (non-materialist) losers The True Meaning of Christmas Before It Is Too Late ( I love Charles Dickens, but man...what he wrought with that one little story....) So children are suffering on every continent- starving to death, abused, maimed by machines, blown apart by drones and mines and rockets and IEDs- but G-d In His Wisdom feels compelled to send one of his celestial helpmates back to Earth because someone once took a "wrong" turn and Ended Up Not Really Happy.  You have to wonder about His priorities sometimes.

Hey, Billy?  If it turns out you've got G-d's Ear, might I suggest that you get a fucking clue, get out of your bullshit cartoon world, and make better use of your direct line to Paradise?  And if this is all about Santa's power, and not G-d's-- umm, Santa?  Strongly implied in Billy's pathetic "I just know my daddy won't mind spending Christmas dodging bullets in the desert if he can have a little snow" is the fact that daddy is in DANGER and just MAYBE what Billy would REALLY like is to have his Daddy home, where there is real snow- and where he doesn't have to wear a helmet and flack jacket.   Just a thought.

Meanwhile- Wal Mart?  I didn't think it was possible for me to hate your loathsome company any more than I already did.  Congratulations.  You topped yourself with this self-congratulatory, steaming lump of nothing.

Honda Family Values

Apparently, Laura got a new Civic as a reward for not killing her little sister at any time over the past year.  Normally I would think that a brand new car- ANY model- is a bit over the top as a Christmas gift for a girl who appears to be a teenager.  But after just a few seconds of listening to her obnoxious little snit of a sister, I think it's about right.

Not a particularly good sign that Laura is using her car to drive her presumably teen-aged friends around (aren't there laws in most states limiting the number of under-aged passengers who can be in the car with a minor driver?)  Not a good sign that Laura seems more interested in mastering the art of driving while texting and f--ing around with her sound system than in putting safety first ( a very BAD sign that Big Sister is willing to let Little Sister connect her I Pod to that sound system- is she worried about being wished into the corn field, or what?  And if that's the case, why doesn't Little Sister get to ride shotgun after calling it out?

And certainly not a good sign that Mom and Dad have no problem letting their teen-aged daughter drive all these kids around everywhere, including their younger one.

Come to think of it, where ARE mom and dad?  Was the Honda actually payment for 24-hour child care, provided by Older Daughter to Younger Daughter?  If so...Younger Daughter?  Maybe you shouldn't be bitching about your big sister not being quite nice enough.  If she's being paid to basically be your mom, you should save your angst and anger toward the person who birthed you and then turned you over to a sibling to raise.  You look pretty healthy.  Your sister isn't yelling at you to get the hell out of her face (or her car) and give her some damned private time with her friends.  Looks like a little gratitude is in order.

Where ARE Mom and Dad?

The slow progression from annoying to unbearable, courtesy of Verizon

"This is perfect" pathetic, lonely cat lady says.  You can tell she's pathetic and lonely because

1.  She's sitting all by herself on a couch
2.  She's sitting with a cat,
3.  She's got an empty carton of ice cream on the couch with her (hey, let's leave no Pathetic Lonely Friendless Woman cliche' left unmilked here, Verizon,)
4.  Watching tv on a phone is her definition of "perfect," and
5.  She's wearing glasses.  Yes, that really does mean she's pathetic to the people who wrote this commercial. Not to me- she does plenty later on to reveal herself as truly pathetic.  She didn't need the glasses or the cat.

So pretty soon, because she's got this Verizone NFL Mobile thingee, she's out and about and annoying the hell out of everyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of her (and she gets louder and louder, so that distance increases throughout the ad.)  She becomes one of those disgusting, anal Know It Alls because she's become permanently attached to her stupid phone, and permanently attached to the NFL through it.

She's bleating stats and "AWW YAYAHH," which in my opinion should bring the death penalty to anyone who utters in in public.  She's holding up lines and forcing everyone around here to "enjoy" the NFL because God Fucking Forbid Anyone In These Commercials Ever Uses Headphones (of course, the non-use of headphones is always demonstrated as a plus in these ads- see, because she's willing to "share," she's made all these awesome friends.)

In the end, she insists on performing some juvenile little ritual that results in someone getting barbecue mashed in his face.  Seems like this is happening during a party of some kind, but that's not surprising- I can't count how many times I've seen people in commercials attending parties, weddings, family picnics, etc. yet are frozen to their God Damned Phones.  It's also not surprising that the guy who gets food all over him courtesy of Miss Verizon Jackass is completely nonplussed about the whole thing.  After all, Idiot Girl was watching her phone.  What did he expect?

Anyway, this ad kind of reminds me of the "Get DirectTV or horrible things will happen to you" ads in reverse- because this woman realized she had this awesome service from Verizon, she got herself out of the house, ditched the glasses, went to a hair stylist, changed her wardrobe and became popular with Fellow Brain-Dead Losers Who Can't Get Enough of the NFL.   Get the message?  Don't be a pathetic cat lady sitting quietly on the couch reading a book or watching non-NFL stuff on tv.   Get the NFL from Verizon.  Be a pathetic cat lady who annoys the freaking hell out of the planet.  Much better.