All I want for Christmas is an end to these awful Volkswagen Ads

And I wish that everyone in this ad, and the people who wrote it, would find themselves in a dark wood, being slowly torn apart by animals with sharp teeth.  But that's just me.

Since that's not going to happen, I would settle for the salesperson in these ads showing just a tiny modicum of self-respect by not allowing himself to be kidnapped by dickwads who want the test drive to last "forever."  At LEAST drive off while the Asshat Couple is in the restaurant, for Christ's sake.

(BTW- you idiots who thought it was a good idea to lie on the hood of your cheap import?  Hope you like the car as much as you like wasting our time and behaving like childish morons.  Because- guess what? You own it!)

Meanwhile- It's "never been easier to get a Passat?"  What about when you pulled this "Sign and Drive" bit last year?  And the year before?

Actually, it's never been easier to hate Volkswagen.  Well, maybe it was a little easier during "Punch Dub Days."  But it's still very easy, thanks to stupid junk like this popping up on my television every ten minutes or so.

Holiday Ugliness from Buick

This tasteless horror might actually work if it went just a little further in developing the storyline.

Think about it- instead of just going the simple nastiness of a woman being delighted with her new gift- a freaking CAR-for five seconds until a much better car comes cruising slooooowwwllly down the street, let that Buick stop and reveal that the driver is, in fact, the girl's previous boyfriend.  Turns out that HE was dumped last summer when the hotel he booked for them in Acapulco wasn't quite up to her taste, and he's returned with a new hook and a bigger worm.

So instead of "shallow rhymes-with-witch harlot can't be happy and grateful long enough to respond with a decent hug before being distracted by something shinier," we'd get two guys desperately trying to one-up each other to win her....errr, "affection."  Probably ends with one of the guys taking out a second mortgage and buying the biggest rock on display at Jerad's.

That might be a little entertaining.  The commercial they actually give us isn't.  At all.  Instead, it's incredibly mean-spirited and cruel, and if I were a woman I would be really ticked at the portrayal of my sex in this ad.

Personally, if I were the guy in this commercial, I'd take back the keys to the car I just attempted to give her, and urge her to follow her dreams....err, that is, chase that Buick.  And consider myself very lucky as I watched her run down the street, panting as she went.  Bullet dodged- and hey, I've got this new car for all my trouble, too!

Three heartwarming little stories, courtesy of American Express

1.  Guy brings his Intended to the Upscale Jewelry Store to purchase the engagement ring, but he's told by the saleswoman that his VISA card is maxed out.  What does his sensible girlfriend-who-thought-that-she-was-about-to-become-a-fiancee respond with?  Is it

A.  "Wow, I had no idea you were so bad at money management.  You aren't ready to be married, let's continue to date, because I love you, but you need to mature a little more and get your act together?"

B.  "Wow, I thought you only used credit cards for emergencies, like sensible people.  You must be really irresponsible.  You aren't ready to be married- and I'm certainly not going to be marrying someone who doesn't know how to balance a checkbook or keep an eye on his spending.  Later."

C.  "Your VISA card is maxed out?  Well, that's a pain, I wanted my ring!!  Look, loser- get yourself an American Express Card.  They NEVER max out, which means you can buy my ring, and keep spending money in a reckless fashion, and you'll never humiliate me like this again by denying me what I want right now."

If you picked C, you were correct.  And my guess is, you've watched a lot of commercials.

2.  Guy and his Significant Other are Dressed to the Nines for a concert.  Dim bulb girl has never heard of TicketMaster, so she assumes that even though he invited her out and let her get all dressed up, he didn't bother to buy the tickets in advance.  American Express hopes we think that the only way to buy tickets to any event without using the box office window is through American Express.  Whatever.

3.  Middle Aged Idiot grins with pointless delight as a waiter babbles pretentious Italian at the Idiot's befuddled date (I don't blame Date for being Befuddled; after all, the job of a waiter is to inform the customer of what is on the menu and to take the order, not to impress the customer with his mastery of Italian.  At least, that's what I thought the job of a waiter was.)  Befuddled date, having given up all hope that Middle Aged Idiot will stop the humiliation and step in and ask the fucking waiter to speak English, grasps at a familiar word- "Tiramisu"- and interrupts with essentially "I'll Have That!"

Does Date really want Tiramisu?  I kind of doubt it.  She just wants this experience- which is delightfully funny to the guy but obviously painful to her- to end.  I just hope that when the stuff comes, she jams it into the guy's idiot face and walks out.

Anyway- great stories, American Express.  Seems to me that "Our cards are perfect for self-absorbed, clueless jackasses" could have presented in a shorter package, but at least a few actors picked up paychecks for appearing in this mess.

Consumer Cellular brings us the further adventures of those newly-connected Seniors

It's actually almost depressing to see these old stogies ramble on and on and ON about their stupid, AARP-approved phones as they enjoy their stupid, AARP-approved retirements, complete with RVs and cookouts and all the other things that the elderly are supposed to partake in until they finally die already.

Personally, if I spend one moment of my Golden Years (I'm not sure why the years we spend shuffling around, asking people to repeat everything, cursing at loud music while complaining that the television volume is never loud ENOUGH, going to bed at 7 and waking up at 4 are called "Golden," but whatever) chirpily discussing the advantages of a certain cell phone service with other overweight, sagging, blotchy seniors, it's one moment too many.  And I'm sure as hell not going RVing with some old woman, I don't care if I AM married to her.

I really hope that a lot of seniors who see these ads wince and angrily wonder why the hell they are always being portrayed as such witless dopes by Consumer Cellular.  It's like this phone company thinks that every Senior in America is a perpetually good-humored, financially secure (yet concerned with costs) overgrown troll finally living their Hard Earned Dreams, which always involve wandering aimlessly around suburban neighborhoods, fishing, barbecuing, and blathering away on phones ABOUT phones.  If my parents resembled anyone in these ads, I would NEVER visit them.

I can tell you right now that I'm never going to resemble any of these idiots, either.  And it's not just because I'm never going to get old (I'm not, though.  If these commercials have convinced me of anything, it's that growing old looks like a colossal bore and a waste of time, and I PASS.)  It's more because if this is what retirement looks like, I think I'd rather just keep working.  I mean, I don't even like RVs, and I sure don't want to spend every day talking to fat old geezers about ANYTHING, especially phones.

My New Years' Resolution, for Hollywood. Free of Charge.

Hey movie industry- don't take offense at this, ok?  This is not coming from a place of anger.  It's coming from the heart.  And you really need to hear this.  Consider it an intervention.

Please, for the love of G-d, make this pledge to yourselves, and to us, for 2013:

No more movies centered on the Pain and Suffering of Turning 40.

No more Seven Year Itch films.  You know the ones I'm talking about: The "I love you, but you aren't as young as you used to be, this isn't as fun as it used to be" themes featuring actors in their mid-30s who look like they could still get work as underwear models.

No more Biological Clock films.  I don't know anyone out there who enjoys watching women mope out discussing their changing biology in graphic terms on large screens.  Hell, I don't know anyone who wants to hear this crap in real life.  And while we are at it- PLEASE, no Women in Stirrups scenes.  I know you've always thought the Crying/Screaming/Sarcastic/Possessed Heavily Pregnant Woman Struggling to Give Birth bit was comedy gold, but (again, as a friend) I really feel like I need to let you know- it's not.  Never has been.  Never will be.

If you must have little children in these films, stop trying to convince us that they are blessings who burp, vomit and scream for no reason at all.  Because when they do that, they aren't blessings.  And no, we aren't interested in seeing children give their parents headaches and then be Loved More Than Ever For No Reason at the end.  Been there, DONE THAT.

And if you insist on giving us another year of this crap, at least do this for me:  Have the whiny, pathetic, treacly-sweet family live in something other than a majestic suburban estate or Manhattan Apartment.  Have them live in a trailer, or a crowded tenement in a crime-ridden neighborhood.  Oh, and have them get hit by a bus in the final scene.

Come on.  Give me SOMETHING for my efforts to help you out.  Oh, and Happy New Year.

Samsung continues to encourage us to Share the Fun Pain this Holiday Season

I'll give the makers of the latest horror from Samsung this much:  At least they didn't go the usual route of sprinkling a few Black/Hispanic/Asian faces among the partiers here.  Nope- this is a white family, enjoying what I guess is supposed to be a cute moment with their white friends and their white kids.  Not especially PC, and certainly not common these days- but I have to give them points for creating an ad that is more realistic than 99 percent of the commercials out there.

But that's about it with the praise.  Because the rest of the ad just adopts and endorses the Friends Is Just Another Word For Assholes theme we generally see in commercials for Cell Phones, Tablets, and all the other "Connectivity" garbage.  I don't know- maybe it's just me, but if I saw a guy trying to entertain my kids fall off the stairs, land on the hardwood floor, and lay there motionless, my first impulse wouldn't be to keep filming.  Because my first thought wouldn't be "OMIGOD LOL THIS IS GOING VIRAL UNDER THE TITLE 'SANTA FAIL!""  My first thought would be "Oh My G-d, are you hurt?"

But that's because I live in some weird alternate universe where people still give a damn, I guess.  Where "walk if off, Santa" wouldn't even occur to me.  And where capturing someone getting hurt on film is still accidental and regrettable, not an LOL EPIC bonus that will really improve my rating on YouTube.

I can remember a show called "America's Funniest Home Videos."  Pretty much every clip I ever (accidentally) saw on that show featured someone getting hurt (often badly) to the sound of people roaring with laughter.  That show had a pretty solid audience, but it was small, so I wasn't all that disturbed by the concept of a program which invited people to film each other suffering and then "share" it with the world.  But in the year 2012, capturing everything on--err, "film"--just seems to come naturally for a lot of people, and when a "friend" gets injured, that's just gravy.  It doesn't even matter if the friend was dressed up like Santa to spread a little joy to your kids.  It's just so great that he hurt himself, you can't wait to let the world know how funny it was.  Sick.

Samsung channels Orwell- "He Who Controls the Present, controls the Future."

Ugh, what a mess.

Here's a ridiculously large "family" (it would be more accurate to describe these idiots as "people who are accidentally related to each other") gathered together to "Share the Holidays" (it would be more accurate to describe this situation as "bear to be with each other instead of their friends and electronic devices for a day.")  If you look carefully enough you'll see that there's the prerequisite balance of males and females, a grandma, and a dog, as well as the usual racial ambiguity which the advertising world thinks it must be careful to include so that it doesn't tick off the obscenely easily annoyed among us.

It's all supposed to be very cute and sweet, I suppose- people who share common genetic code pushed into one side of a room so that the Patriarch can take a photo and prove to future generations that yes, these people existed and could tolerate one another on holidays.  Except- future generations are going to be conned into thinking this, and future grandparents are going to have very fuzzy, warped memories about what happened on this particular holiday.

Because thanks to Samsung (and The Cloud, and PhotoShop, and all of the other reality-bending technology that make our lives worth living these days) that messy thing called Real Life can be scrubbed, erased, and altered into Life As We Would Like It To Be But Aren't Willing To Put Any Effort Into Making Reality.  Kids won't stop fighting?  No problem- we can "swap in some smiles" (that's from an old Cloud commercial.)  Daughter won't stop texting (it's always Daughter who won't stop texting?)  Again, no problem- we'll erase the Real, and replace it with the Fantasy.

Snap.  Here's the photo.  Let's slap it on Facebook, stick it in a frame, use it to create a holiday card with Shutterfly.   In a few years (hell, with our rapidly decaying attention span, more like "in a few hours") it will represent what really happened.  And it was so easy- nobody had to behave like reasonable people who understood that Mom and Dad wanted a decent photo for a few seconds.  Kids didn't have to stop punching each other, and (Thank G-d) Daughter didn't have to stop texting.  Because that would have been tragic.

I wish Mom had finished this commercial by asking Dad "Can you make them disappear now?"  The answer certainly would have been "yes."  Brother-in-Law you really didn't want to invite can be erased from the photo.  Tree can be made more green, tinsel can be made more shiny, clothes can be made brighter.  Everyone can be made to look more happy, more content.  Reality?  That isn't perfect.  Toss it down the memory hole.