Irony, thy name is iPhone 5

So, to sum up:

The iPhone is equipped with state of the art technology to allow you to cancel out the annoying background  noise of other people blathering away on their cell phones and listening to music while you blather away on your cell phone and listen to music.

I guess that once we all own one of these phones and can use our own buttons to mute out everyone else, we'll be living in a perfect world.  Until then, the owners of the iPhone 5 are invited to be the biggest, loudest asshats on the planet, safe in the knowledge that they will not be subjected to a dose of their own medicine, thanks to that little button.  Awesome.

Actually, the perfect world will arrive the day every single owner of one of these new phones is so isolated and self-absorbed in their own little universes that they don't hear the (half-hearted) cries of warning as they fail to see the approaching trains which reduce them to the consistency of room-temperature pudding.  Not that it will be that big an adjustment.

So please- go out and buy an iPhone 5.  Push that button, shutting out the rest of the world.  And start taking that leisurely walk toward the nearest depot.  Nice knowing you. *

*Not really.

Coming to Formerly Peaceful Places Near You

Oh yeah, this is a piece of technology that is certain to make our lives better.  Now we can stop listening to garbled, semi-literate half-conversations and tinny music coming from the "old" hand-held sound systems, and start listening to booming sound coming from overpriced but (yay) portable stereos carried by 100 percent self-absorbed assholes who couldn't care less if you want to hear what they want to hear.  Who the hell are YOU, anyway?*

So when I go to Hampton Beach next year, I'm sure to be "treated" to someone else's taste in music in better quality and at a considerably higher volume than usual.  But I probably won't have to wait till then- I'll probably be "enjoying" the stunning music quality on the train, on the bus, on the bike and jogging paths, at the YMCA, and everywhere else I like to go (or, at least, used to like to go) just to get away from it all.  After all, your music is now so wonderful portable, you can annoy me whenever, wherever.  It's all about you, all the time- in case you don't know that already.

And it's all because Bose finally decided to join the Let's Get Everyone To Hate Everyone Else parade.  Thanks, Dr. Bose, for revealing yourself to be just another evil scientist who started off with a great idea but then twisted it into a detriment to humanity.  And then hired some jerkwad with a British accent to sell it to us, because that makes it sound so classy and desirable to us stupid yanks.

*In another of these ads- which I could not find on YouTube, young people are dancing around to lyrics which include "Everybody's looking they're looking they're looking they're looking at me...'cause I'm free."  Maybe, just MAYBE, they're looking they're looking they're looking at you because they wonder where you get off "sharing" your taste in music with the whole damned neighborhood, jerkwad.

It's not Complicated: AT&T shows us a very, very bleak future

A very sad future, too.

After all, if it's going to be populated- and controlled- by creeps like these obnoxious little brats, God help us  all.  In less than twenty seconds, they manage to give us not one but TWO examples of how they've managed to absorb intensely stupid activities they've seen on the glowing box which is obviously raising them.

At least, I think that's what's happening here.  First, the kids go into some kind of dance while contemplating a big, big treehouse.   One of the kids says that one benefit to having a big treehouse would be that it could include a "Disco."  I'd love to know how any of these kids have any idea what the word "Disco" means.  I mean, jeesh, their PARENTS probably don't remember Disco. Yet these kids attempt a mockery of John Travolta's moves in Saturday Night Fever.  How the hell do they know what they are doing?

Turns out that they don't want a really big tree house just so they can put a Disco in there.They also want room for a big flat screen tv.  (And here's another example of cognitive disconnect- one of these adorable little tots describes having to "hold a wire" to get a picture on the tv.  So not only are these kids familiar with disco, they remember rabbit ears, too?)

Oh yes, I remember wanting a tree house when I was a kid- so I could use it to practice dance steps from forty years previous, and watch tv.  Uh huh.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that these kids represent the next generation of pathetic losers whose idea of fun and economic sense is to take the week before Thanksgiving off and use it to camp out on the pavement in front of Wal Mart to score $200 off on a $499 HD TV.  At least, I hope so.  Because while I detest this kind of behavior from people who are SUPPOSED TO BE CHILDREN, I actually kind of like to mock them once they reach "adulthood."  I just wish they would stay off my Not Very Flatscreen television.

Walk and Chew Gum at the same time? Only if there's an App for that

Ugly morons hanging around an office setting being about as Unproductive as possible: Check.

Ugly morons blathering about a "cool" phone:  Check.

Ugly morons "sharing" information by touching their phones together: Check.

Male in the ad ending up on top despite Female's attempt to stab him in the back and claim credit for work he did-- wait a minute, what the hell is THIS?

I feel like Cornwallis at Yorktown- maybe the world didn't come to an end on schedule on December 21, but it's certainly turned upside down.  At least in TV Land.  I mean, when was the last time one of these commercials ended with a Female looking foolish and paying a price for her asshattery, while the Male is portrayed as the Productive, Hard-Working One?  This would be a lot less unsettling if the Male had at LEAST accidentally started a fire, or had been caught playing Angry Birds on his phone during Company hours.  I'm really not sure how to take this.

For now, I think I'll just stop watching this ad at the moment where the Female takes credit for work she did not do.  Because that's when it stops making sense to my tv-trained brain.

I mean, the guy ending up smelling like a rose while the perplexed woman stands there wondering what happened....if this is the shape of things to come, I'm in for a very rocky 2013...

Droid Presents someone's idea of progress

You just know that when this commercial was over, a hundred thousand drooling idiots expressed disappointment in discovering that it's JUST a commercial.  Sorry, losers- you can't ACTUALLY have your precious phones injected into your bloodstream.  You'll just have to keep pretending they are already there.

But don't worry, guys- I'm sure you won't have to wait too long.  I'm sure we are only a year or two away before actually embedding phones into our "brains"  (plenty of room in there for a lot of us.)  Then you'll never, ever, EVER have to live one moment without your Facebook page and your Twitter feed- you know, those things that make your "lives" worth living.  Losers.

Convincing you that debt is good? For Bank Americard, it's as simple as....well, you know.

Ugh, I am so damned sick of the grinning idiots happily telling me how thrilled they are to be getting a tiny rebate every time they join the Never Pay Cash No Matter How Small The Purchase Is parade.  Does it ever, EVER occur to any of these jackanapes that if they weren't taking out tiny loans for everything from cups of coffee at Starbucks to gasoline at BP, they wouldn't be celebrating being handed pennies in exchange for their dollars, but would instead know exactly how much money they have, all the time?

I mean, think about what these people are telling us.  They borrow money constantly.  Which means they are constantly paying interest on that borrowed money.  BUT, Bank of America refunds them one, two, or three percent of their loan, depending on the enabled purchase.  This is supposed to be a great thing.

What they AREN'T telling us- each and every "Bank Americard" user is STILL paying interest rates of 9, 14, or 19% on balances carried over month to month.  Apparently, this simply doesn't matter to the drooling idiots who live off that piece of plastic in their wallets which lets them pretend that stuff is just free because it doesn't cost paper.  This is like regularly borrowing money from a friend because he hands you back a penny every time you borrow a dollar- then charges you $1.05 when you pay the dollar back.  And thinking this is a good deal.

What the hell is the matter with you morons??  There is no such thing as a "good deal" from a Credit Card Company, OK?  Use credit cards to get your car fixed, to buy plane tickets, or to deal with some emergency expense.  Toilet paper?  Coffee?  Gasoline?  Stop being morons with your money!!*

And if you MUST use Credit Cards, at least stop trying to convince me that there's something to be gained by it.

*Says the guy who spends hundreds of dollars a year buying chocolate, bagels, and lunches for kids he's not related to and who won't even remember his name three years after they've graduated, if it takes that long.

No No No No Noooooooooo!!!!

First- maybe this thing is small enough to use "anywhere, anytime" but please- just, don't.  Personally, I'd rather watch people eat McRib sandwiches and then floss than see a single person using this.  "If I see something I can just take it out and zap it."  Yes, and then you can order dessert.  And wonder where your date went so quickly.

Second- anyone else think that that Capislow, the "skin creme clinicially proven to slow hair growth" is likely just aloe used to dull the pain and retard the rash you just gave yourself when you "Crystallized" your hair follicles?

Third- CRYSTALLIZE YOUR HAIR FOLLICLES?  REALLY??

Fourth- why are these guys using this product?  For one thing, there are razors out there.  For another, I haven't seen a guy with at least three day's growth on their faces on tv in about a decade.  As near as I can tell, stubby beards are all the rage- so why would any guy want to use a device that slows hair growth?

Fifth- "three treatment levels to choose from?"  What are the levels- Ineffective, Not Very Effective, and Sort of Effective?  Ok NoNo Spokesperson, give me everything you've got.

Sixth- why am I listening to Dr. Dolev Rafaeli?  Because he's the President and CEO of Radiency, the company that produces this--ummm--- "miracle breakthrough product?"  And his incentive to be straight with me is- what, again?

Seventh- As usual, this thing is supposed to take the place of THOUSANDS of dollars in laser skin treatments.  To anyone slightly smarter than a turnip, shouldn't this immediately send up the BS flare?  I mean, how is this any different from the $20 rubber bands which replace oral surgery or the breath spray for dogs which replaces competent veterinary services?

And finally- isn't this the year 2012? Are there really people out there who are impressed by an LCD display?  Come on, my COFFEE MAKER has an LCD display- I wouldn't trust it to CRYSTALLIZE MY HAIR FOLLICLES!!