Wraptastic: For the terminally helpless among us

Would it be considered overdoing it if I used this Amazing New Product while wearing my Forever Lazy body wrap?  Just asking.

By the way, listen to this commercial very carefully.  I swear, it features more moaning than your average seventies porno film.  These people are REALLY frustrated.  Or turned on.  Or something.

And I love that if you order this thing RIGHT NOW, you get a second for free (give it to a very disappointed coworker at next year's holiday office party- giving to a loved one you aren't planning to divorce Not Recommended) AND a free roll of plastic wrap AND a free roll of aluminum foil.  You could pay HUNDREDS for these items (if you shop at Costco, and insist on purchasing a 300-year supply in one visit,) but the makers of Wraptastic are INCLUDING it with this offer if you CALL NOW.

I'm not quite helpless enough to order one (or two) of these things, but I can certainly see it's appeal to people who don't live on Taco Bell takeout and the McDonald's Dollar Menu.  And I've always kind of wondered why the people who make plastic wrap and aluminum foil never got around to making a box which actually allows one to smoothly cut the stuff.  Maybe they, and we, were all just waiting for Wraptastic to come around.

Still- all that moaning. That's just weird.

Beware of what is flashing on her eye. She's gonna get ya!-- Ace of Base

Wow, talk about desperate.

"This guy I just noticed at the table ten feet away might be the one who buys me a ring, installs me in a house, repeatedly impregnates me, and pays my bills for the rest of my life."

"But first, I have to get him to say 'hello.'  Which means, I need brighter teeth."

Good.  Freaking.  Lord.

Someone finally gave that damned duck the beating it deserves?

It's bad enough that the knuckle-dragging YouTube glue-sniffers think that this commercial is LOL SO FUNNY THAT DUCK IS SO CUTE LOL!  But just think of all the clue-starved navel lint gazers who are actually going to "send a card" to a digital creation which was really so very played YEARS ago.

Proving again that this has got to be the dumbest nation that has ever existed.  When we aren't laughing at commercials featuring "dentists" sneezing into people's mouths (I will NOT post on that monstrosity, because even I have limits, and they haven't invented the words I would need to express my opinion of it) or cramming mass-produced tacos and fried chicken down our cake holes, or rushing to the latest violence porn movie, we are eagerly texting our best wishes to a fucking cartoon duck.

(Want to bet that a good portion of the drooling troglodytes who manage to bang out a GET WELL I LUV U message to a COMMERCIAL consistently fail to get those Mother's Day cards in the mail on time?)

In case you haven't guessed, I'm not going to be manipulated by this entertainment-deficient crud into handing my email address over to AFLAC.  And I'm not going to be visiting AFLAC.com to see what I'm sure will be thousands of posts, videos, etc. hoping that a threadbare commercial concept which was kind of cute and interesting and fresh TEN YEARS AGO "gets well soon."  I'm depressed enough at my fellow Americans already.

An Iconic Tribute to America's Sucker Class

Sometimes my disgust over a commercial is mixed with a certain amount of admiration for the impressive level of chutzpah displayed by it's creators.  This ad for a Not Gold, Not Old coin certainly reaches that Gotta Hand it To Them category.

I mean, the narrator spends several seconds showing us the beautiful, gleaming thing as it slowly rotates on our screens as he discusses an entirely DIFFERENT coin which existed in the last century and which is NOT being offered for sale in this advertisement.  Then he makes his pitch- we are being offered a rare chance to own this TRIBUTE to history- a chance to buy a coin which LOOKS like the one which contained .9999 ("that's four nines!") gold.  In other words, a practically worthless copy of a coin which was itself quite valuable.

Maybe I'm being cynical here.  Maybe I'm selling the American viewing  public short.  But I can't help wonder how many people miss the subtlety and are on the phone ordering their Maximum of Five Not Gold Coins before the dazzling thing has faded off the screen.  I wonder how many elderly, hard-of-hearing, even-harder-of-thinking suckers think that they are being offered an opportunity to buy antique, rare gold coins at ten dollars a pop.  I wonder how many realize that there is NO demand for junk like this in coin shops or anywhere else, and what they are buying is a silly little trinket that might be worth more if it were filled with chocolate instead of the junk metals it contains.

Now, of course, I'm sure there are a few people out there who think that it's high time we saw the release of a Tribute to a coin- especially one that includes a cool-looking buffalo and that "iconic" Native American image.  They should feel free to go for it.  If they want a conversation piece with no actual value, nothing wrong with that.  But I really don't think that they are the target audience here- I really think that these ads are aimed toward people who don't know what the terms "tribute" and "layered" and "clad" and "proof" mean.  And who probably really can't afford to be buying pretty poker chips for ten dollars each.  So while I can admire the boldness of the seller, I can't help but feel more that a little disgusted at him, too.

Four Years Later, Time for a Change?

When I started this blog on New Year's Day, 2009, I figured it would end up like 99% of all the other blogs out there- I would run out of material, run out of time, and run out of interest, after a few weeks or a few months, and it would just die quietly on the vine unwept and unsung.

Instead, I find that there's apparently no end to the stupidity running rampant on our television screens, and for advertising agencies the race to the very bottom apparently resulted in the bottom being hit, and the shovels coming out to create a New Bottom.  So I, and we, go on.

But over the past several months, many of my younger readers (as long-time readers of this blog are already aware, I'm a High School history teacher at a religious private school) have asked me to consider changing the name of this blog.  I've tossed the idea around for a while, but always thought it would cause more confusion that it was worth.

However, last year Google decided to pull my AdShare agreement, claiming some abuse, and denying my appeal roughly 20 minutes after it was filed.  At that moment, I decided to look for a new host server where I might be eligible to snatch up a little ad revenue.  If everything goes according to plan, I'll be moving this to another platform sometime this spring.  Plans are still in the preliminary stage, but I thought that maybe I could usher in the New Year by experimenting with a new name as well.

I am also taking advantage of the fact that my "followers" list is still very small, and not growing- I added exactly ONE new follower in 2012.  This could be a hassle if I ever got a decent fan base going; maybe it's a good idea to make major changes now rather than later?

Anyway, I'm going to give the new name a try, and see if it grows on me.  I'll keep the very few of you who are regulars here up to date about future changes; don't worry, the bitter, angry snark will remain intact.

Slightly-behind-the-Curve Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer discovers Direct Deposit

Other things I've discovered recently that have made my life so much easier--

I used to have to take a pail to the barn every morning to milk the cow, so I could eat my breakfast cereal.  Then I discovered that there are these things called stores, which sell milk in plastic jugs.  What a time saver!

I used to drill for oil, refine the sludge which came up through my efforts, and put the refined product into my car's fuel tank.  What a hassle.  Then I learned that other people were storing fuel and selling it!  Now I just use rubber hoses to inject someone else's gasoline into my car, pay a nominal fee, and I'm on my way!  Yay, more time with my daughter!!

I used to grow cotton and raise sheep in my backyard, and whenever I needed new clothing, I'd have to take days off from work to create thread and spin it on my loom.  Then came the cutting and sewing.  It was a hassle, but what else could I do?  Then I learned that there were millions of Asian slaves who were already making clothes and selling it for a very low price right here in America, within driving distance of my house (especially now that I've figured out this whole Buying Gasoline thing.)  My life has gotten so much better!

But nothing beats out this latest discovery, courtesy of VISA- turns out that I no longer have to stand in line at the bank with my paycheck!  There's this brand new thing called "Direct Deposit," and I'm sure that in time it will stand with the Grocery Store, Gas Station and Personal Computer (still looking into that, might be just a rumor) as Great Inventions of the 21st Century.

(Because your technology confuses and frightens me, and because the prospect of "saving" isn't something I'm willing to look into yet- can only handle so much in one year, after all- I'm going to refer to Direct Deposit as "getting my paycheck loaded on my Debit Card."  Because it helps me understand this incredibly complicated, Obviously Magic phenomenon.  And because I'm really, really strange.)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the movie theater and check out the Talkies.  What a world we live in.  Confusing and frightening, but wonderful all the same.

Desperately Avoiding Each Other, with the help of DirectTV

1.  There are "your shows," and there are "my shows."  There are no "our shows."  Which is pretty damned sad, because it means that these people are spending a LOT of their lives sitting in rooms by themselves- probably while the other person is in chat rooms with potential lovers, or surfing for porn, all the while muttering obscenities because they have to wait while Selfish finishes his/her Stupid Show.

2.  "Record up to five shows at once?"  And then what?  Stay up till 3 AM every night watching your recorded shows?  Well, I guess that would keep the Evil Specter of Intimacy at bay.  You get the feeling that couples who want this kind of "service" aren't that into each other- or, maybe, are desperate to avoid any more "accidents" which need regular dental visits and vaccinations.

3.  Why does everyone on television have a bathroom  larger than my apartment?  Never mind the massive television set- I get that it's really not supposed to be there- but seriously, you could install a freaking bowling alley in this thing.

4.  The hate--- ah, the hate.  This guy really, really hates the woman he's with.  Enough to want to stuff the DVR with His Shows, so that he can spend every waking hour he's forced to be in the house watching His Shows, or waiting for Her Shows to be over.  What else am I supposed to get out of his response to "I feel like this thing is watching me walk around naked?"  Are people who should be more worried about the relationship than they are about their freaking DVR supposed to be funny on any level?

I'll wrap up with a general observation- if you really find yourself filling the DVR with so many television shows that you run out of space, and you find this creating conflict with the other people who live in your home, isn't it possible that the FUCKING TELEVISION has become just a LITTLE too important to you?  Here's an idea- read a book.  Have a conversation.  Hey, idiot in the commercial- want to see this woman naked?  Why not hop into the shower with her?  God knows it's big enough to hold the both of you.  Leave your attitude and your all-encompassing love for sitting on your ass watching tv outside, though.  No bathroom is THAT big.