Is there an App to help this woman discover where her life went?

So your adowable wittle daughter walks up to you five minutes before you are supposed to be bundling her into the SUV and taking her to school and announces that it's "Dress Like a President Day." You panic for a moment, before you remember that your other Little Helper- the one that doesn't come in a bottle and isn't prescribed by the understanding doctor downtown- can show you a picture of the eighth president in about three seconds.

So you find out what Van Buren looked like, whip open a few drawers, and in about ten minutes you've put together a passable costume for little miss Wait Till The Last Damn Minute To Get MommyWife To Do Your Homework For You.  She shows well at school and, more importantly, you don't look like a failure in fulfilling your MommyWife duties.  Adowable Wittle Daughter gets dropped off at school and you can get back to your medication and interviewing housekeepers.

Here's another option- "Well, honey, I'm sorry you didn't mention that earlier- I'm sure your teacher told you about this days or even weeks ago.  It was your responsibility to at least tell me about this long before now.  We might have had a very good time researching Martin Van Buren, learning about his life, learning about the  style of clothing of his period and, of course, learning what he looked like.  We could have gone to the local craft store and picked out just the right things to make our costume, and we could have spent a very nice weekend afternoon putting it all together."

"I guess now you expect me to just pull up an image of Martin Van Buren on my tablet, and a costume and makeup for you to wear out of my ass.  But I've got a much better idea.  I think it's time for Adowable Wittle Daughter to learn a little lesson in responsibility.  You see, Mommy has a lot of stuff on her mind every day- there's stuff to be bleached, there's meals to be cooked, there's cleaning staff to order around, there's shopping to be done, there's stuff to be bleached....Sob....."

"Sorry about that.  So you are going to school today in your regular clothes, and you can explain to your teacher why you totally forgot to plan for your Martin Van Buren costume.  I'm sorry you will look bad, but this is an important lesson.  I know it seems that Mommy lives to cater to you and your father's every goddamned whim and doesn't have a life of her own, or dreams of her own, or ANYTHING of her own....Sob....but it just isn't so."

"Where the hell did those pills get to?"

Never mind your day. You have NO LIFE

I'm a Red Sox and New England Patriots fan.  I'm old enough to remember the Buckner play, the Super Bowl Shuffle massacre, and Green Bay ruining what would be Drew Bledsoe's only chance to win a ring on the field.   I know what it's like to live and die with a team.

All that being said-- this commercial will always be my response to anyone who complains to me that people take devotion to a sports team too seriously.  The characters who "had a bad day" in this ad aren't crying because their teams lost.  They are crying because their Fantasy Teams lost.   Not actual teams- virtual teams they created.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the Biggest Losers in the History of Western Civilization.

Seriously, if you get emotional because your Fantasy Team ended up with a losing record- well, let's just say that being Pathetic is something you are very much familiar with.  This is beyond sad.

Earth to Dumbasses With Way Too Much Time On Your Hands:  Nobody in their right mind takes Fantasy Teams this seriously.  It's a Fantasy Team. That means it doesn't exist outside of your pathetic little circle of fellow players (I'd call you the Geek Squad, but that's been taken by Best Buy.)   So when you find yourself crying in the shower because your decision to be a desk monkey instead of the manager of an NFL team was just confirmed by your craptacular failure at assembling teams, well.....I really have nothing to say that could be of comfort.  You need a lot more help than I could ever give.

Discover another blatantly racist ad

Fat black women. Check.

Head wags.  Check.

Totally befuddled by technology- "I don't like talkin' to robots."    Oh, they are such SIMPLE people, aren't they?  Check.

"Girl."  Oh, they are such CHILDREN, aren't they?  Check.

Droopy, half-open eyelids and quizzical, "WTF-Ever" looks.  Check.

"I forgot what I was calling about."  Never seen this in a commercial featuring white people.  But why should I? Black people are SOOOOO FUNNY because they are SOOOO CLUELESS AND FORGETFUL  LOL!  Check.

Discover Card joins the "there's nothing funnier than African-Americans acting the way White People think that African-Americans are supposed to act" parade.  Hey, no problem, Discover- there's always room for one more monkey wrench in the gears of progress. I'm just surprised you didn't manage to get these women dancing.  You KNOW how musical "they" are.

K Mart Proves that Intensely Stupid is Intensely Stupid in any language

Have you ever been overwhelmed with a desire to just start punching people in the face?

If not, K Mart introduces you to an entirely new emotion.

Seriously, K Mart.  This crap has to stop.  Right now.  Because this-- this---Obscenity doesn't make me want to buy anything.  It just makes me want to hurt someone.  And to avoid your Big Box Made in China junk shop like the freaking plague.  

And keep in mind, this manic "excitement" is all about K Mart having Lay-Away.  You remember Lay-Away: that super-convenient innovation which allows people with lousy credit to overspend just like the rest of us.  Oh joy.

The mute button is currently the most useful part of the tv remote.  What we need now is a button which blacks the screen out until the commercial is over.  Not just for K Mart ads, but K Mart certainly does provide us with positive proof of the absolute necessity of such a button.

Wraptastic: For the terminally helpless among us

Would it be considered overdoing it if I used this Amazing New Product while wearing my Forever Lazy body wrap?  Just asking.

By the way, listen to this commercial very carefully.  I swear, it features more moaning than your average seventies porno film.  These people are REALLY frustrated.  Or turned on.  Or something.

And I love that if you order this thing RIGHT NOW, you get a second for free (give it to a very disappointed coworker at next year's holiday office party- giving to a loved one you aren't planning to divorce Not Recommended) AND a free roll of plastic wrap AND a free roll of aluminum foil.  You could pay HUNDREDS for these items (if you shop at Costco, and insist on purchasing a 300-year supply in one visit,) but the makers of Wraptastic are INCLUDING it with this offer if you CALL NOW.

I'm not quite helpless enough to order one (or two) of these things, but I can certainly see it's appeal to people who don't live on Taco Bell takeout and the McDonald's Dollar Menu.  And I've always kind of wondered why the people who make plastic wrap and aluminum foil never got around to making a box which actually allows one to smoothly cut the stuff.  Maybe they, and we, were all just waiting for Wraptastic to come around.

Still- all that moaning. That's just weird.

Beware of what is flashing on her eye. She's gonna get ya!-- Ace of Base

Wow, talk about desperate.

"This guy I just noticed at the table ten feet away might be the one who buys me a ring, installs me in a house, repeatedly impregnates me, and pays my bills for the rest of my life."

"But first, I have to get him to say 'hello.'  Which means, I need brighter teeth."

Good.  Freaking.  Lord.

Someone finally gave that damned duck the beating it deserves?

It's bad enough that the knuckle-dragging YouTube glue-sniffers think that this commercial is LOL SO FUNNY THAT DUCK IS SO CUTE LOL!  But just think of all the clue-starved navel lint gazers who are actually going to "send a card" to a digital creation which was really so very played YEARS ago.

Proving again that this has got to be the dumbest nation that has ever existed.  When we aren't laughing at commercials featuring "dentists" sneezing into people's mouths (I will NOT post on that monstrosity, because even I have limits, and they haven't invented the words I would need to express my opinion of it) or cramming mass-produced tacos and fried chicken down our cake holes, or rushing to the latest violence porn movie, we are eagerly texting our best wishes to a fucking cartoon duck.

(Want to bet that a good portion of the drooling troglodytes who manage to bang out a GET WELL I LUV U message to a COMMERCIAL consistently fail to get those Mother's Day cards in the mail on time?)

In case you haven't guessed, I'm not going to be manipulated by this entertainment-deficient crud into handing my email address over to AFLAC.  And I'm not going to be visiting AFLAC.com to see what I'm sure will be thousands of posts, videos, etc. hoping that a threadbare commercial concept which was kind of cute and interesting and fresh TEN YEARS AGO "gets well soon."  I'm depressed enough at my fellow Americans already.