Discover Card presents: My Idiot Husband, Chapter 46,789

Here's a chapter in Discover's Oops I Missed A Payment ad campaign that rankles a bit more than the others.  It was bad enough when the credit card company was just trying to present itself as the Credit Card With A Heart because it won't triple your monthly interest charge and slap you with a $35 fine the first time you are an hour late getting your minimum payment in (the second time you are late, they take your house and send Rocky to break your kneecaps, but that's another story.)  After all, anyone who has ever owned a credit card knows already that getting the fine removed from your card generally requires no more effort than a phone call and a threat to change issuing companies- that works at least once.

But this one adopts the All Too Familiar "Men are Irresponsible Little Children Who Must Be Rescued By the Wise Women they Somehow Begged into Marrying Them" theme, and seriously, haven't we seen enough of this?  Calm, ever-suffering MommyWife is sitting on the couch explaining to the Understanding Because Hey I'm a Woman Too I've Got My Own Helpless Schmuck at Home Discover card rep that in a moment of weakness, she stupidly let her Idiot Pet Male have responsibility for the family credit card for a month, and wouldn't you know it, he Couldn't Even Manage to Make a Monthly Payment.

Well, what did MommyWife expect from the moron- she sent him out for milk once, and he came back with a puppy.  We must assume that she checks on Hubby regularly to make sure he hasn't accidentally set himself on fire or used his allowance to buy lottery tickets.   MommyWife and Understanding I've Been There Sister on the other end of the line share a We Are All In This Together moment as the elderly child MommyWife is attempting to raise rushes to get the puppy out of the house before it pees all over MommyWife's hardwood floors.

What the hell?  Why does anyone think ads like this are funny, or smart, or anything but manipulative and insulting and downright stupid?  Several YouTube posters congratulate themselves for thinking that this commercial is LOL awesome (later, they'll pat themselves on the back for refusing to see the racism in old Amos 'n Andy skits and loudly proclaim their motto to be "Lighten Up.")   I really wonder about anyone who thinks ANY ad featuring Helpless BabyMan and Wise Woman is any more appropriate than the old Wise Man and SuperKlutz Helpless Woman ads of the 50s and 60s.   Yes, they are very easy to make.  Yes, they sound way-too-familiar themes that aren't supposed to make us think about it too much.  But when they make anyone with a brain (I put myself in this category) react with "to hell with you, I'm not using this service because you have no respect for me,"  are they really accomplishing anything of value?

Oh, they'll end up Well Rounded, all right

1.  Who the hell talks like the guy in this ad? Who narrates their recent decision to purchase a breakfast at Dennys?  Does he think the kids give a damn how much it costs?  More likely, they are just happy that it's Daddy's Weekend, which means they get to eat at Dennys.  (Children like to go to restaurants and eat crap.  It's one of those things that make them Children.)

2.  Why does every Dad on Television act like a befuddled, clueless dumbass the moment a kid asks him a question about ANYTHING?  "I should have said 'Well-Rounded Meal.'"  Um, no- when you do that, you are just replacing one stupid, hackneyed, virtually meaningless line with another.  I'm not a Dad, but I'm pretty sure this is one of those "teachable moments," where you have an opportunity to teach your idiot kids something important about nutrition.  Instead, you just fumble around for another non-answer.

3. Of course, this might not be the best place to have a discussion on proper nutrition with the kids.  "By square meal, I mean it's got all the major food groups right here on one plate- Fat, Grease, Cholesterol,  Meat, and Sodium.  And look, I can wash it all down with a cup of Coffee.  See how responsible Daddy is?  Just remember, this is just Every Other Weekend Stuff.  It's not a plan for regular, healthy eating."

4.  Why does every kid of a certain age in every commercial have to talk like this horrible little girl?  I would rather stick nails in my eyes than have a "conversation" with this treacly little drip lasting more than five minutes.  How about letting Daddy eat the meal he just purchased and is now inexplicably giving a speech about, and stop reminding Daddy why Mommy loves these weekends so much?

5.  Why does Daddy call for the waitress at the end of this commercial?  What does he plan on asking the waitress to do?  Adopt his kids?  Tell them that Talking is Not Allowed at Denny's and if they keep it up, they won't get dessert?  Bring a sedative he can slip into the kids' milkshakes?  What?

Gun Lake Casino: Where the trolls come out to play

Seriously, did the makers of this awfulness go out of their way to find the most repulsive, unlikeable humaniods not already booked to appear in cell phone commercials to appear in this ad?  Because these ugly, nasty, stupid mutts are really beyond the pale when it comes to being just plain repelling.

"Everyone's winning at Gun Lake Casino."  Wow, really?  Well, I guess it's probably too late for me to get in on the action.  Gun Lake Casino must have gone out of business some time ago.  Oh wait, what?  The vast majority of people who play at Gun Lake Casino actually walk away with less money than they walked in with?  Well, I'll be darned.  How come they aren't hopping up and down and waving their arms and grossing me out in advertisements for Gun Lake Casino?

Oh, right.....

So instead, we've got mostly senior citizens "enjoying" their golden years by blowing their social security checks on slot machines.  All senior citizens LOVE Gun Lake Casino- even the ones that have no neck (what IS it with that guy?  Ugh.)  And to make sure that we don't think that Gun Lake Casino isn't just for seniors, here's a middle-aged-looking fat doofus woman telling us how much SHE loves it, too.  So if you go to Gun Lake Casino, it won't look and smell entirely like Leisure Village with cheap, watered down drinks and lots of noise.  Women like this stupid slob will be there too.  Boy, that sure sweetens the deal, doesn't it?

All this Separate Addicts From Their Money ASAP stuff is pretty lame and sad- maybe not as sad as commercials for CashStop and Rent A Center and LibertyTax and TaxMasters and all the rest aimed at the bored, scared and/or just plain stupid, but pretty close.  Sad, and irritating, because you know that the scumbags who profit from these things don't give a flying damn if their clientele can afford to lose or not.  As Mr. Burns once told us, Casinos have the perfect business model- people come in, spend money on nothing, and leave, generally without complaint.  And even when they win, they generally keep coming back until they lose.  Kind of amazing that there aren't more of these things- but that's a "problem" that is being remedied by revenue-hungry, cowardly legislators.  If you don't live near a Casino, just wait a few years.  You will.

Commercial Curmudgeon want all horrible Couchgating monkeys Go Boom!

Sometimes, I feel compelled to start off my blog post with an apology for subjecting readers to a god-awful mess of an ad that they might have been blessed to have missed.  In the case of this horrid commercial for fried chicken parts, I think that the whole damn post should be an apology.

I'm sorry I needed to comment on an ad featuring about a dozen of the most loathsome excuses for human beings seen on television since the last showing of The Phantom Menace.  (I mean, just look at these Smug For No Reason At All jackanapes.)  I'm sorry for the contribution I've made in spreading KFC's latest attempt to introduce a new tagline into the national lexicon:  Couchgating. As in Couchgating: To sit on your fat, lazy ass wolfing down a month's worth of grease and carbs over the course of three hours.   I mean, I always thought Tailgating was really stupid- but at least Tailgaters had to leave the freaking house. And Tailgaters tend to set up barbecues and toss footballs around parking lots while creating and nurturing social connections with other Tailgaters.  Compared to sitting like zombies watching a football game while cramming mass-produced poisonous junk from a magic (always overflowing, never goes down even a little no matter how many pieces of the crud are removed) bucket on the table?  Tailgating is the height of entertainment compared to Couchgating.

And I'm sorry that the image of that wretched, poor excuse for a female life form bleating "Game Day Bucket Go Boom" will be with your long after you've cursed my name and closed this page.  Here's something I'd really like to see go boom, lady.  Your intestines.  Your furnace.  Anything that causes you to keel over and never, ever pollute my television screen again.

Because I'm really not into apologizing, and hope I never have to do it again.  But who am I kidding?

Oh, and while you are over here, your parents are on Ebay trying to sell you

"You should go home right now."

"Why?"

"Because you aren't my problem, and I hate you."

"Why?"

"Because you keep asking 'Why?', but are clearly not interested in the answer."

"Why?"

"My guess is that it's because you are just an obnoxious, horrid little brat."

"Why?"

"Because your parents made you that way."

"Why?"

"My guess is that it's because Mommy wanted to have a kid right away, but Daddy didn't, and you came along even though Daddy thought they were still discussing it, so now every time daddy sees you he's reminded of what he considers a betrayal."

"Why?"

"Because Daddy remembers how awesome it was to be married to your mom when she was still slim and exciting and spontaneous and awesome in the sack.   Before you came along and ruined everything."

"Why?"

"Because that's what kids like you do. They ruin things."

"Why?"

"Because you are horrible.  Because you bother people, just like you are bothering me now.  Difference is, I get to tell you to get lost.  Your parents are stuck with you.  They hate that, but they are trapped.  I'm not.  Now, you have five seconds to leave."

"Why?"

"Because if you are still here after five seconds, I'm going to tell that monster in your closet to eat you while you sleep tonight."

The magic of exploitation (or "Capitalism: It's bigger than Humanity,") brewed by Starbucks

Now that Starbucks has put the magical journey of Sue's coffee-  from underpaid, underfed farmers living in conditions that would have been deemed horrific in the Antebellum Southern United States to it's brewing by "Barristas" (snigger) at overcrowded Starbucks where treacly, manipulative music plays on the loudspeakers and everyone in front of you wants some god damned complicated drink which may or may not actually include COFFEE and where brownies and bagels cost $5, let's see where else we can take this lovely little concept:

The origins of Sue's jacket- from a Pakistani sweat shop to the grimy, rat-infested docks to one of hundreds of Wal Mart storage warehouses and finally to the rack.  Accompanied by music, of course.

The origins of Sue's seafood dinner at the trendy (read: costly) little place near the pier (strictly for atmosphere) from the fishing vessels in the East China Sea to the stinking cannery in Vietnam to her plate.

The origins of Sue's I Phone 5, from the frozen fingers of the Chinese preteen working in an unheated factory in the middle of a town where the ONLY job is at said factory to the packing center where asbestos falls like snow on starving minions working 20-hour shifts and 80-hour weeks for wages that would make the Joads recoil to her own warm, well-manicured hand.  So she can check her Facebook page while stopped at a red light or download a concert while sitting on a park bench.  Heartwarming.

Yes, I sure hope this is the beginning of a trend.  It certainly would be educational.  Except, the reality is something most of us would rather just ignore, because it's a real bring down to realize how much blood, sweat and tears went into the little luxuries we simply could not live without, isn't it?

The customers Comcast REALLY cares about

I've pretty much reconciled myself to the idea that everyone in this country except me lives in a $3 million dollar home featuring kitchens twice as large as my apartment.  Homes with perfectly maintained hardwood floors.  Homes which just scream "Latin American Cleaning Crew Practically Lives Here."

And I've pretty much come to grips with the idea that everyone in this country except me has lightning-fast internet speeds which download pages before one has even finished typing out the address and streams movies to 40 different devices including the 80-inch plasma televisions mounted on every other wall, including the one in the bathroom large enough to double as a den.

What I will NEVER reconcile is the idea that people who live in these homes care about saving money on their cable/internet/phone service.  Seriously, how do brains like this function?  Thirty-year mortgage on a $3 million palatial estate.  $10 K on big screen televisions, including the one in the tree house.  Sunken living rooms and cleaning crews.  Oh, but Comcast is a slightly better deal than Fios- don't get fooled into signing a ruinous five-year contract!

Seriously, though, would it be so damned hard for Comcast to show us a commercial which is even remotely relatable to those of us who AREN'T snug and comfy in the 1%?  People like me, who use the package Comcast (without even a hint of irony) refers to as "Blast," which apparently translates into "Internet Service, Sometimes?"  I mean, I don't want to use my phone or laptop to look at my apartment wherever I go.  I don't want to adjust the heat or turn the freaking lights on from school.  I just want to be able to check my email, read the news, and write for my blog without endless freezing, cutesy "OOPS!" messages, and intensely unhelpful CLICK EASY SOLVE pop-ups (EASY SOLVE is Comcast's awesome, FREE service which provides terrific information like YOU ARE NOT CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET.)

To get any of those things, I guess I have to move into a $3 million home and start installing massive televisions.  Then Comcast will be interested in keeping me away from Fios.  Until then, I'm stuck watching the endless struggle of the Pretty Rich People dealing with the petty annoyances which keep life from being Absolutely Perfect.