Fios: We Get It. Can we return it now?

Check out these alleged adults, who are so delighted to tell us about the moment they "got it."  They are sitting in a darkened room with their kids, and every single member of the "family" is being hypnotized by their own electronic device.

Mom "got it" when she finally found something that distracted her kids from fighting which did not require a prescription.  Dad "got it" when he realized that he no longer had to get his ass off the couch and cart the kids off to the park to get (ewwwww....) "exercise" and "sunshine" and "fresh air."  They all Got It the moment they got their very own Connectivity Device which allowed them to disconnect from each other and connect with noisy electronic entertainment.

And what did they Get?  That it was possible to be in the same house- heck, in the same ROOM- without really being with each other.

Society is irreparably broken.  When did I get it?  When I saw this disgusting, sad commercial featuring disgusting, sad people who could not be happier that they no longer have to talk to each other "especially at dinner...when so much is going on" (seriously, what does this woman mean by this?  Husband and kiddies are even more mesmerized by their glowing best friends at dinner?  I have no idea what she's trying to say here, and I'm pretty sure I don't really want to know.)

I can't imagine ever wanting to look around and see my loved ones acting this way.  If I ever have little children, they sure as hell aren't going to be shoved off into a corner to stare at their personal screens, and sunny days were made to be spent outdoors, dammit.

Fios is playing a big part in the destruction of everything that used to make life worthwhile.  I Get It.  When will the rest of us?

TD Bank worships at the Church of Small Business. So what else is new?

Let's see if I've got this ad all worked out- Small Business Owner and Therefore Would-Be Savior of the American Economy comes strolling into a bank five minutes before it closes.  He's told by a disembodied voice that the bank is about to close.

Small Business Owner and therefore King of Everything replies "Just have to make a deposit."  At this point, he kind of reminds me of that pig on the airplane who is told to put his little electronic game away so that the plane can take off, and replies "no, I'm just doing a little business here on my phone."  I know you think that you are Vastly More Important Than Anyone Else, Mr. Small Business Owner, but what the voice meant was "we are closing," not "we are closing unless you are Very Special, Which You Obviously Are. Naturally, We'll Be Staying Open for You, Just Take Your Time."

Small Business Owner sees the lights going off and protests- "I need to make payroll."  Again- gee, I guess maybe you should have thought of that before you sauntered in five minutes before closing, huh?  Disembodied voice suggests "please come back during normal business hours," to which Far More Important Than You Small Business Owner replies "but I'm at my business...during normal business hours...."*

Well, isn't this all very interesting.  Tell you what, Small Business Owner.  Tell me what your business hours are.  I'll walk in five minutes before YOU close, and I'll insist that YOU stay open for MY convenience.  When you bitch and moan about it, I'll remind you that you expected your bank to stay open because you are Way Too Important To Go To The Bank When The Rest of Us Trolls Do.  Because you are a Small Business Owner, and the sun obviously rises and sets on your ass.

When I was in college, I worked at a video rental store in a suburban Virginia mall.  I can't tell you how many times I was counting up the register, having closed the iron gate in front of the door, only to notice that two or three idiots were still wandering around trying to pick out just the right crappy 80s comedy to bring home for the evening.  THEY were on their way home after working their allotted eight hours, but I was supposed to just hang around and waste away my evening so they could read the backs of boxes in their own sweet time.  Because THEIR time was vastly more important than MINE.

Here's a tip, Mr. Small Business Owner;  the bank you expect to cater to your inflexible hours is staffed by Human Beings just like you (actually, I hope the humans working at the bank aren't clueless douchenozzles like you are.)  Human beings who want to do their work, and go home.  Human beings who don't give a flying damn that you waited until the last damn minute to get your payroll taken care of.  And if I work there, at least one Human Being who hopes that you and your Small Business are the target of the next Tunguska Event.

*Want to experience inconvenient banking hours?  Join the United States Senate Federal Credit Union, which in the last ten years has systematically closed every suburban branch, now requiring me to take the Metro to a Senate Office Building where I must pass through a metal detector to deposit a freaking check, and which has ridiculously truncated hours which do NOT include Saturdays, EVER.  But it's a credit union, and I'm not handing my money to Chase or Bank of America or (shudder) Wells Fargo or any of the other chain-store money-lender maggots around here, so what can I do?

I don't want to see anyone doing laps in my chip dip, either

The treacly faux-folk music, which sounds sweet and nice until you realize that the "you" the singer is "overwhelmed" with is beer, just can't make up for the fact that this ad ends with a shot of a guy who has decided to take a bath in said beer. Where is Upton Sinclair when you need him?

I don't care if Sam Adams is a pretty good beer (and it is.)  The idea that employees at the Sam Adams Brewery are swimming in the stuff before it's bottled and sent on it's way to my refrigerator doesn't make me more inclined to buy it.

I guess I'm just weird that way.

The Extra-Strength version provides a quick, affordable lobotomy!

I think it's awesome that we get to watch one moron REALLY HURT HIMSELF by sticking a cotton swab in his ear not once, but twice.  "OWWW!"  My guess is, the first time this happened, MommyWife came rushing to see what the deal was.  The second time, she just rolled her eyes and started to pack.

I also love the "it's so quiet...listen!" line.  We really can't tell how loud the product is on tv.  Mechanical stuff NEVER makes a lot of noise in commercials.  In fact, if I took ads at face value, I'd have to assume that NOTHING (not Popiel Rotisseries, not cars, not airplanes, NOTHING) makes any noise at all.  Well, Kit Kats. They make a LOT of noise.  But that's it.

I get a kick out of the little kid getting his ears cleaned out by his Way Too Delighted To Be Doing This mommy.  For once, I buy the idea that the kid doesn't have a clue he's being filmed for a commercial.  This little guy looks 100 percent genuine to me.  The "Mom?"  Well, if you think sucking the wax out of your kid's ear is that much fun, I have to say- there sure isn't a whole lot going on in your life, honey.

I really enjoyed the part with the lit candle being held in the guys ear.  Omitted Scene: Idiots call their 80-year old parents and ask how ear wax was removed during the Great Depression.

I could have done without the graphics showing what CAN happen if you use those Lethal Weapons In Your Medicine Cabinet, the Banned In Most Countries cotton swab.  As the guy in the opening scene would say-- "OWWWW!!"  But seriously- who the hell thinks it's a smart idea to jam the damn thing all the way down your ear canal like that?  For the target audience, you'd think there would be a real danger of dropping the swab and having it rattle around in the skull until it found it's way out the nose.  "OWWWW!!"

Oh, and I didn't need to see the Easy Disposal of liquid ear wax.  I think I could have figured out that "putting it in an ice tray" or "tossing it in the fire" are not proper ways to dispose of ear wax.  I don't think that  if this scene was left out, people would be wandering around their houses with cups of ear wax muttering "what do I do with this?  Honey, did you keep the manual?"

"How Was Your Day?" "Great- you weren't around." Ugh.

Except for the part where this guy is getting a shave at a barbershop (does anyone really do this anymore?) it seems to me that everything he does without his wife would be more fun with her.  I wonder why ad agencies insist on trying to convince us that married men and women spend a great deal of their time trying to get away from each other so they can have clandestine fun.

Well, I was married a while back, and I can't recall EVER feeling like this.  Whatever I do these days-whether it's taking a walk, watching a movie, reading a book, or whatever- I enjoy myself as much as I can, but in the back of my mind I often find myself thinking "it was more fun to do this with her than it is now, without her."  Not to be maudlin or anything, but I get the sense that the people who write these ads really don't like being married, and assume that most of us don't care for it, either.  People on tv are always sneaking off to do amazing, fun things and hoping that The Spouse doesn't find out.*   It's as if they are all bitter that they woke up one day tasered, tagged and taken, and now they are going to spend the rest of their lives trying to squeeze every ounce of Fun they can out of their Alone Time.  Is it just me, or is this more than just a little sad?

*And none of the Amazing, Fun things are really all that impressive.  Actually, they are kind of stupid and juvenile. This guy manages to get himself a few hours without the missus, and what does he do?  Rides around in a little car.  Eats a basket of barbecued ribs (I suspect MommyWife wouldnt' approve.)  Gets a shave at a barbershop (again....)  I still think most of this would be more fun if he did it with the woman he loved.  Or his wife.  Either way.

"Hey Dad, you're blocking my view of my future car!"

I guess the joke here is that Junior WON"T appreciate the fact that he had a Dad who was willing to spend a  lot of time with him tossing a ball around, even though Dad isn't very good at it and will show badly for the neighbors in the attempt.

Nope, Junior is just tolerating all this Quality Time crap, and will never once look back and recall how Dad didn't even waste valuable minutes changing into jeans and a t-shirt, but insisted on using it to play ball with his son.  Dad doesn't have the good sense to send Junior off to play with someone who can actually throw a ball and give advice on how to throw one, or suggest they go inside and download some piece of crud movie from DirectTV and do something Dad DOES do well- sit like a rotting potato staring at a screen.  But at least Dad's got this nice-looking car (jesus, it's a Passat, not an Audi or BMW- is this kid really daydreaming of the day 10 years from now when he'll inherit THIS?)

Sure, Dad likes spending time with his kid.  Sure, Dad isn't concerned that he's not athletic and looks pretty bad trying to throw a ball. Sure, Dad can't really pass on any good tips on how to throw a ball.  But check out the shiny Passat.

I'm going to assume that the people who wrote this commercial either don't have kids, or don't spend any time with them- and think that's just fine, because all kids really want from their parents is a college fund, a new cell phone every six months  and a hand-me-down car when they hit 16.  I've never been a parent, but I was a kid once- and seriously, I don't get this message.  At ALL.

Subaru Presents: A Spot I would have been more than happy to miss

What is this commercial attempting to sell us?  The joy of having intensely stupid kids?  Of living on a suburban street in which none of your neighbors notice what your intensely stupid kids are doing?  Of leaving your kids totally unattended for hours,* while also leaving your car keys within easy reach (or just leaving your car unlocked in the driveway of your ticky tacky All Look Just The Same castle?)

None of the above.  I'm convinced that this is actually an endorsement of going through life heavily medicated.  Having woken up one day to find himself living the Middle Class dream (which seems to always include two kids who look like Dad,) this guy has decided to keep himself on heavy doses of Valium.  Or maybe it's just Marijuana.  I mean, come on- there's something in between throwing a murderous fit which finally gets the neighbors away from their DVRs ("watch five shows at once!") and "here, let me help you finish destroying my car."

Love:  Accepting that your kids are morons who are basically on their own, which is going to result in them doing a lot of damage to your property.  Can I assume that each Subaru comes with a starter supply of Daddy's Little Helper in the glove compartment?

*Where's Mommy?  I don't know why, but I got the oddest notion while watching this that Mommy is sitting at the bay window with a glass of wine in her hand and a big smile on her face, watching all of this happen to Daddy's car.  But who am I kidding? The sequel will probably show harried, Had Been Off Doing Important Stuff Mom coming home, surveying the wreck of the car, and thinking once again "why did I think I could leave the kids in the care of that idiot, even for a few hours?"