The University of Phoenix: It's not what you know, it's who you know.

Or maybe the title should be "All The Right Friends in All the Right Places?"

So....the University of Phoenix is proudly out there as a blatant promoter of Cronyism?  Or am I missing something?  Because it sure seems to me that the message of this ad is nothing more complicated than "get your degree from the University of Phoenix, and get yourself hired by a fellow University of Phoenix grad, because we all stick together."

That, and the University of Phoenix is some kind of weird cult whose members wear bright socks in order to identify each other.  So they can hand each other jobs.  I guess.

Again-- am I missing something here?  Because...I can't be right about this, can I?

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Get FREE popcorn with your AMC movie tickets

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I thought I'd include this "offer" I received via email from AAA, just because I found it so hilarious.

For every FIVE AMC "Gold Experience" tickets purchased, AAA treats you to-- one small popcorn voucher (not one small popcorn- but a small popcorn voucher.  Can I assume the voucher can be used at the same time that the "Gold Experience" tickets are?  If so--Wow, what a great deal.  Amounts to maybe a dozen popped kernels per guest.)

And that's not even the best part.  I clicked on the offer and read the fine print- and discovered that the MINIMUM purchase to get this deal is TEN TICKETS, at a cost of $85.  (Yes, you do get TWO free small popcorns for your ten tickets- but tell me that it's not more than a little misleading to announce "Get Free Popcorn for Every Five Tickets' when you can't buy just five tickets.)

Gee, I hope you didn't break the bank in making this "offer,"  AAA.  Kind of reminds me of those awesome 4%- off laptops HP was offering during it's Amazing Cyber Monday Blowout. 

And the tag line is just great- "AAA.  Use it for all it's worth."  In my experience, here's what it's worth- fairly quick, reliable road service.  A slight discount at Best Western Hotels.  That's about it.  Two small bags of popcorn with the purchase of $85 worth of movie tickets?  Not worth it.

I look forward to future Amazing Offers from AAA- like maybe a Free Nutrageous Bar (Fun Size) with every three Hersheypark tickets purchased.  Or maybe a Free Bag of Peanuts (6-9 peanuts per bag) for every 10,000 SkyMiles accumulated using your AAA card.  Free 6-ounce soda when you purchase Four Entrees at Olive Garden.  The possibilities are endless, but I don't really have time to list any more right now- I have to go out and find four friends to take to the movies.  I hope they aren't hungry...

Departure time for these Office Depot ads can't come soon enough

I'll be posting at least two or three separate rants focusing on Office Depot's recent series of God-Awful "let our ridiculously chirpy underpaid minions bend over backwards to take care of your business needs" commercials.

In this one...well...wow.  It's hard to pick which one of these repulsive people is MORE unlikeable.  Is it the underpaid drone who is Way Too Happy to be puckering up and kissing the ass of the yuppie pond scum who wants to be sold on the Office Depot crap?  Or is it that yuppie pond scum, who thinks he hasn't made himself hideous enough with the moniker "Mr. Mobile" and therefore throws "I'm a gamer and a go-getter" at us to seal the deal.

"Gamer" and "Go-getter."  My guess is that the only thing he goes to get is more games.

And she's going to save him time.  Why would someone who calls himself a "gamer" need to save time?  So he can kill more electronic trolls and terrorists on his flat screen while life goes on right outside his window?

And I can't even begin to snark on the "Depot time" bit which finishes up this 30 seconds of awfulness.  What the hell is this woman doing with her hands and head and eyes at the end?  Am I wrong in thinking that she's just a little too enthusiastic about the crappy job she has?  And how does she know it's the guys' "departure time" anyway?

And am I wrong in wishing that a wayward meteor had just slammed into the studio during the filming of this dreck, depriving society of absolutely nothing?

Fios: We Get It. Can we return it now?

Check out these alleged adults, who are so delighted to tell us about the moment they "got it."  They are sitting in a darkened room with their kids, and every single member of the "family" is being hypnotized by their own electronic device.

Mom "got it" when she finally found something that distracted her kids from fighting which did not require a prescription.  Dad "got it" when he realized that he no longer had to get his ass off the couch and cart the kids off to the park to get (ewwwww....) "exercise" and "sunshine" and "fresh air."  They all Got It the moment they got their very own Connectivity Device which allowed them to disconnect from each other and connect with noisy electronic entertainment.

And what did they Get?  That it was possible to be in the same house- heck, in the same ROOM- without really being with each other.

Society is irreparably broken.  When did I get it?  When I saw this disgusting, sad commercial featuring disgusting, sad people who could not be happier that they no longer have to talk to each other "especially at dinner...when so much is going on" (seriously, what does this woman mean by this?  Husband and kiddies are even more mesmerized by their glowing best friends at dinner?  I have no idea what she's trying to say here, and I'm pretty sure I don't really want to know.)

I can't imagine ever wanting to look around and see my loved ones acting this way.  If I ever have little children, they sure as hell aren't going to be shoved off into a corner to stare at their personal screens, and sunny days were made to be spent outdoors, dammit.

Fios is playing a big part in the destruction of everything that used to make life worthwhile.  I Get It.  When will the rest of us?

TD Bank worships at the Church of Small Business. So what else is new?

Let's see if I've got this ad all worked out- Small Business Owner and Therefore Would-Be Savior of the American Economy comes strolling into a bank five minutes before it closes.  He's told by a disembodied voice that the bank is about to close.

Small Business Owner and therefore King of Everything replies "Just have to make a deposit."  At this point, he kind of reminds me of that pig on the airplane who is told to put his little electronic game away so that the plane can take off, and replies "no, I'm just doing a little business here on my phone."  I know you think that you are Vastly More Important Than Anyone Else, Mr. Small Business Owner, but what the voice meant was "we are closing," not "we are closing unless you are Very Special, Which You Obviously Are. Naturally, We'll Be Staying Open for You, Just Take Your Time."

Small Business Owner sees the lights going off and protests- "I need to make payroll."  Again- gee, I guess maybe you should have thought of that before you sauntered in five minutes before closing, huh?  Disembodied voice suggests "please come back during normal business hours," to which Far More Important Than You Small Business Owner replies "but I'm at my business...during normal business hours...."*

Well, isn't this all very interesting.  Tell you what, Small Business Owner.  Tell me what your business hours are.  I'll walk in five minutes before YOU close, and I'll insist that YOU stay open for MY convenience.  When you bitch and moan about it, I'll remind you that you expected your bank to stay open because you are Way Too Important To Go To The Bank When The Rest of Us Trolls Do.  Because you are a Small Business Owner, and the sun obviously rises and sets on your ass.

When I was in college, I worked at a video rental store in a suburban Virginia mall.  I can't tell you how many times I was counting up the register, having closed the iron gate in front of the door, only to notice that two or three idiots were still wandering around trying to pick out just the right crappy 80s comedy to bring home for the evening.  THEY were on their way home after working their allotted eight hours, but I was supposed to just hang around and waste away my evening so they could read the backs of boxes in their own sweet time.  Because THEIR time was vastly more important than MINE.

Here's a tip, Mr. Small Business Owner;  the bank you expect to cater to your inflexible hours is staffed by Human Beings just like you (actually, I hope the humans working at the bank aren't clueless douchenozzles like you are.)  Human beings who want to do their work, and go home.  Human beings who don't give a flying damn that you waited until the last damn minute to get your payroll taken care of.  And if I work there, at least one Human Being who hopes that you and your Small Business are the target of the next Tunguska Event.

*Want to experience inconvenient banking hours?  Join the United States Senate Federal Credit Union, which in the last ten years has systematically closed every suburban branch, now requiring me to take the Metro to a Senate Office Building where I must pass through a metal detector to deposit a freaking check, and which has ridiculously truncated hours which do NOT include Saturdays, EVER.  But it's a credit union, and I'm not handing my money to Chase or Bank of America or (shudder) Wells Fargo or any of the other chain-store money-lender maggots around here, so what can I do?

I don't want to see anyone doing laps in my chip dip, either

The treacly faux-folk music, which sounds sweet and nice until you realize that the "you" the singer is "overwhelmed" with is beer, just can't make up for the fact that this ad ends with a shot of a guy who has decided to take a bath in said beer. Where is Upton Sinclair when you need him?

I don't care if Sam Adams is a pretty good beer (and it is.)  The idea that employees at the Sam Adams Brewery are swimming in the stuff before it's bottled and sent on it's way to my refrigerator doesn't make me more inclined to buy it.

I guess I'm just weird that way.

The Extra-Strength version provides a quick, affordable lobotomy!

I think it's awesome that we get to watch one moron REALLY HURT HIMSELF by sticking a cotton swab in his ear not once, but twice.  "OWWW!"  My guess is, the first time this happened, MommyWife came rushing to see what the deal was.  The second time, she just rolled her eyes and started to pack.

I also love the "it's so quiet...listen!" line.  We really can't tell how loud the product is on tv.  Mechanical stuff NEVER makes a lot of noise in commercials.  In fact, if I took ads at face value, I'd have to assume that NOTHING (not Popiel Rotisseries, not cars, not airplanes, NOTHING) makes any noise at all.  Well, Kit Kats. They make a LOT of noise.  But that's it.

I get a kick out of the little kid getting his ears cleaned out by his Way Too Delighted To Be Doing This mommy.  For once, I buy the idea that the kid doesn't have a clue he's being filmed for a commercial.  This little guy looks 100 percent genuine to me.  The "Mom?"  Well, if you think sucking the wax out of your kid's ear is that much fun, I have to say- there sure isn't a whole lot going on in your life, honey.

I really enjoyed the part with the lit candle being held in the guys ear.  Omitted Scene: Idiots call their 80-year old parents and ask how ear wax was removed during the Great Depression.

I could have done without the graphics showing what CAN happen if you use those Lethal Weapons In Your Medicine Cabinet, the Banned In Most Countries cotton swab.  As the guy in the opening scene would say-- "OWWWW!!"  But seriously- who the hell thinks it's a smart idea to jam the damn thing all the way down your ear canal like that?  For the target audience, you'd think there would be a real danger of dropping the swab and having it rattle around in the skull until it found it's way out the nose.  "OWWWW!!"

Oh, and I didn't need to see the Easy Disposal of liquid ear wax.  I think I could have figured out that "putting it in an ice tray" or "tossing it in the fire" are not proper ways to dispose of ear wax.  I don't think that  if this scene was left out, people would be wandering around their houses with cups of ear wax muttering "what do I do with this?  Honey, did you keep the manual?"