Hey, Honda? I drive your car, but EHHHHHHH I really hate you right now.

Can someone explain to me why

1.  Honda thinks that assaulting our ears with the most annoying jackass salesman ever will make us think highly of their product, or

2.  Why, if these people have just looked at the Bestest Car Ever over at Honda, they decided to come over to Whatever Not Honda Dealership This Is and bother the salesman with comparisons of that Bestest Car Ever with the Not As Good Car he is supposed to be trying to sell them?

I mean, come on.  If you were just shown a car that you really like, that has everything you want in a car, why didn't you just buy the damn thing?  Do you just enjoy looking at cars?  Wasting your time, and the time of the sales guy who, is after all, being paid to sell cars and not try to explain why the cars he's supposed to sell aren't quite up to the standard of that car YOU LIKE SO WHY DONT YOU JUST GO BUY IT MORONS?

If I were this guy, I'd respond to the second or third question with "EHHHHHHHH....sounds like you've made up your mind.  Stop bothering me, and get back over there before someone buys your dream car, idiots."  Except I wouldn't include EHHHHHHHH, because I'm not a freak.  And I wouldn't be talking to these jackasses anyway, because I could never be a car salesman.  Certainly not if these people resemble actual, real-life customers.

Dig this, Applebees

To answer the question Applebees presents in the first ten seconds of this mess:  No, probably not.

But here's a more obvious point:  Eating out is for special occasions.  I know that Applebees, McDonalds, Burger King, Dennys and Olive Garden would like us to forget that we have refrigerators and stoves and kitchens and just spend all our time and money at one of their feed bins, and therefore tries to pander to the people who are happy to do so by offering low calorie options, but the sane among us understand what eating out is for, and we ain't buying it.

And since we know that eating out IS supposed to be special, we aren't all that interested in tasteless junk served up at under 550 calories per plate.  You see, we eat sensibly 99 percent of the time.  Which is to say, we eat at home, food we prepare ourselves.  We don't live off the Dollar Menu, we don't think Wendy's is the place you spend every lunch hour (regardless of what the lunatic redhead in the commercials wants us to do)- heck, we don't even think that Kit Kats are a suitable mid-afternoon snack, EVERY MID-AFTERNOON.

So when we go out, we don't really worry about the calorie count.  We get big cheeseburgers and french fries or onion rings.  We eat pasta drowning in thick sauces.  We ask to see the dessert menu- and then we order dessert.  (If we are at Friendly's, we get hot fudge sundaes with broken candy bars on top.)

We can do all this because (do I really have to repeat this?) eating out is for SPECIAL OCCASIONS.  And only a total idiot is going to spend high-calorie money on low-calorie garbage.  We who rarely let ourselves go like to go out to dinner- to let ourselves go.  We can start repairing the damage tomorrow because, unlike the people you want us to be, we aren't hitting another restaurant for our next meal a few hours later.

So please, stop showing us guys getting all hyper-excited because they aren't overindulging in garbage, but are instead eating "sensibly" a meal which will leave them hungry before they get back home.  Fortunately for them, there's a McDonalds drive-thru on the way.  Me?  I'll leave with a full stomach.  Thanks anyway.

Volkswagen thinks Racism is funny and a good argument for purchasing its product

Having (finally, thank G-d) abandoned the idea of trying to convince us to buy one of their ugly cars by showing people hitting themselves or being mocked by automobiles with German accents- not to mention a hundred or more other intensely insulting ad concepts- Volkswagen has decided to wrap up it's product in the always-delightful, always-winning package of bigotry and ignorance.

Because hitting your grandfather in the groin isn't fun for everybody, but no one can resist a blatantly Racist message, right?

Here's the deal:  Buy a Volkswagen, and before you know it you'll be just like those hilariously simple-minded Island people we all developed such affection for during the 1988 Olympics (or at least during that awful movie which Kind of But Not Really told the story of the Jamaican bobsled team,  Cool Runnings.)  You know, the Don't Worry Be Happy tribe that lives on the beach and smokes dope when it isn't serving fruity alcoholic drinks to white people.  We all love that quaint, backward little race of humans who don't take anything in life seriously and are always spitting out little snippets of Savage Wisdom (I'd call it "homespun," but it's not like These People would ever do anything as taxing as "Spinning.")*  I'm a little disappointed that Dan Akroyd doesn't make an appearance in the disguise he wore in Trading Places, but we can't have everything, can we?

I just hope that this is the start of a long series of culturally sensitive ads by Volkswagen.  Next time, let's see the white guy walking around the office shucking and jiving, encouraging his befuddled fellow workers (who are trying to run a successful business and don't know how to relax, being WHITE and all) to take a casual attitude toward their labor.  When that one goes over well, Volkswagen can move on to EPIC portrayals of Hispanics, Asians....the possibilities are endless.

And when our favorite German Car Company is done slandering anyone who is not a WASP, some of us will be very sad because we miss those awesome ads so very much.  Some of us will have sore fingers from constantly typing "Oh Lighten Up, I'm Black/Hispanic/Asian/Jewish and I thought they were HYSTERICAL!"

Me?  I'll regret ever criticizing Punch Dub Days.  Because that was so much less offensive than THIS crap.

*"Sticky Bun come soon." "What this room needs is a smile."   Ugh.

Oh yes, I feel much safer now. Thanks, GripGo!

Naturally if your cell phone goes off when your driving, your immediate instinct is to look around for it, because to hell with safety- if it's ringing, it means someone is desperate to get in touch with you and it's a matter of life and death.  You are so important, you are.

So I suppose GripGo is better than fumbling around for a phone near your feet, or between the seats, or in your pocket, or whatever.  But hey, here's an even better idea- LET THE F--ING THING RING.  You've got Voice Mail.  If it's important, they'll leave a message.  Nobody worth your time will be offended if you don't answer your phone while trying to operate two tons of heavy machinery through traffic.  And let's face it- 99 percent of the time, the "important" call you are risking your life (and mine) to answer will consist of nothing more than "hey whassup?"

(And if you are like 99 percent of the My G-d Given Right To Blather On My Cell Phone Is More Important Than Your Safety douchenozzles who make our highways death traps these days, that kind of conversation is well worth fumbling around and making other drivers swerve out of the way for.)

I will add however that I fail to see how mounting this thing on the dashboard so that it's right in front of your face as you talk is a really big improvement.  And besides, isn't that where your laptop, DVD player or makeup kit is supposed to go?

Not to mention- it's "fully adjustable."  Ok- so you aren't holding your phone with one hand while driving with the other anymore.  Now you are obsessively adjusting your GripGo to get just the right screen angle while (hopefully) driving with the other....hey, why do you need to adjust the screen anyway?  So you can watch the screen during the call?  So much for contributing to safer driving...

The really sad thing about this commercial is that incredibly clueless, disconnected, distracted and obtuse morons will probably be convinced that if they buy and install this thing, that somehow transforms them into Responsible Citizens.  Hey, I'm being safe- sure I'm not giving more than 10 percent of my attention to the road, but at least I'm not actually HOLDING my phone!

And hey- they don't offer an extra GripGo (just pay separate shipping and handling?)  That's got to be a first in the history of ads like this.  And what terrible timing- what am I going to do with that DVD player while I'm changing lanes at 70 MPH while blabbing away on my phone?  I have to use my hands after all?  Oh well, good thing I have two of them.  And being a typical, cell phone-addled genius, I'll have no problem dividing my attention between the screen, the conversation, and the road (in that order) either.

The University of Phoenix: It's not what you know, it's who you know.

Or maybe the title should be "All The Right Friends in All the Right Places?"

So....the University of Phoenix is proudly out there as a blatant promoter of Cronyism?  Or am I missing something?  Because it sure seems to me that the message of this ad is nothing more complicated than "get your degree from the University of Phoenix, and get yourself hired by a fellow University of Phoenix grad, because we all stick together."

That, and the University of Phoenix is some kind of weird cult whose members wear bright socks in order to identify each other.  So they can hand each other jobs.  I guess.

Again-- am I missing something here?  Because...I can't be right about this, can I?

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Get FREE popcorn with your AMC movie tickets

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I thought I'd include this "offer" I received via email from AAA, just because I found it so hilarious.

For every FIVE AMC "Gold Experience" tickets purchased, AAA treats you to-- one small popcorn voucher (not one small popcorn- but a small popcorn voucher.  Can I assume the voucher can be used at the same time that the "Gold Experience" tickets are?  If so--Wow, what a great deal.  Amounts to maybe a dozen popped kernels per guest.)

And that's not even the best part.  I clicked on the offer and read the fine print- and discovered that the MINIMUM purchase to get this deal is TEN TICKETS, at a cost of $85.  (Yes, you do get TWO free small popcorns for your ten tickets- but tell me that it's not more than a little misleading to announce "Get Free Popcorn for Every Five Tickets' when you can't buy just five tickets.)

Gee, I hope you didn't break the bank in making this "offer,"  AAA.  Kind of reminds me of those awesome 4%- off laptops HP was offering during it's Amazing Cyber Monday Blowout. 

And the tag line is just great- "AAA.  Use it for all it's worth."  In my experience, here's what it's worth- fairly quick, reliable road service.  A slight discount at Best Western Hotels.  That's about it.  Two small bags of popcorn with the purchase of $85 worth of movie tickets?  Not worth it.

I look forward to future Amazing Offers from AAA- like maybe a Free Nutrageous Bar (Fun Size) with every three Hersheypark tickets purchased.  Or maybe a Free Bag of Peanuts (6-9 peanuts per bag) for every 10,000 SkyMiles accumulated using your AAA card.  Free 6-ounce soda when you purchase Four Entrees at Olive Garden.  The possibilities are endless, but I don't really have time to list any more right now- I have to go out and find four friends to take to the movies.  I hope they aren't hungry...

Departure time for these Office Depot ads can't come soon enough

I'll be posting at least two or three separate rants focusing on Office Depot's recent series of God-Awful "let our ridiculously chirpy underpaid minions bend over backwards to take care of your business needs" commercials.

In this one...well...wow.  It's hard to pick which one of these repulsive people is MORE unlikeable.  Is it the underpaid drone who is Way Too Happy to be puckering up and kissing the ass of the yuppie pond scum who wants to be sold on the Office Depot crap?  Or is it that yuppie pond scum, who thinks he hasn't made himself hideous enough with the moniker "Mr. Mobile" and therefore throws "I'm a gamer and a go-getter" at us to seal the deal.

"Gamer" and "Go-getter."  My guess is that the only thing he goes to get is more games.

And she's going to save him time.  Why would someone who calls himself a "gamer" need to save time?  So he can kill more electronic trolls and terrorists on his flat screen while life goes on right outside his window?

And I can't even begin to snark on the "Depot time" bit which finishes up this 30 seconds of awfulness.  What the hell is this woman doing with her hands and head and eyes at the end?  Am I wrong in thinking that she's just a little too enthusiastic about the crappy job she has?  And how does she know it's the guys' "departure time" anyway?

And am I wrong in wishing that a wayward meteor had just slammed into the studio during the filming of this dreck, depriving society of absolutely nothing?