Chevy Volt Proves: Our Customers are Insufferable Idiots, Too!

If you weren't TOOOOOTTTALLLLY ready to bludgeon this annoying woman to death with a heavy blunt object by the end of this ad, well, let's just say you are a much better person than I am.

And I don't even want an explanation of that little gesture she makes in attempting to explain her forty mile daily commute to and from work.  I'm not even sure why it requires a gesture.  Seems like a pretty basic concept to me- you drive your car forty miles a day on average.  I get it, lady.

And considering that these things cost considerably more than cars that use gasoline, I don't buy the "I'm going to Hawaii on the money I save" bit.  Actually, it takes YEARS of gas savings to make up for the extra money you spent on cars like the Volt.   But at least she doesn't pull that "I go to the gas station so rarely, I sometimes forget how to put gas in the car" line we hear in another commercial for the same car- a line that is only believable if putting gasoline in the Chevy Volt is a extremely complicated procedure.

Look, I think that electric cars are awesome, and I pray that they are the wave of the future (actually, I pray that light rail and national bullet trains are the wave of the future, but I'm willing to see this as a step in the right direction.)  I have to wonder why Chevy feels the need to prove to us that owners of their Volts are just as obnoxious, self-congratulatory, stupid-bubbly and smug as owners of Earth-wrecking SUVs and Big Manly Trucks.   I, for one, never doubted it.

Helzberg Diamonds: your place for stupid, mixed messages

Let's see if I understand this mercifully brief nub of an ad:

Guy whispers something to his Significant Other, then tells us "None of your business."  (We didn't ask what he said, and God knows I can't imagine that any of us care.)

The narrator then asks us to "share our stories" on the Helzberg Diamond website.

So they go from "mind your own business" to "make your personal life everyone's business" in right about five seconds?

Did I miss something?

AMC "Immortalizes" its deep contempt for animals

I grew up on a farm in Orange County, which is located in Central Vermont.  Pretty much everyone I knew owned a rifle of some kind and considered deer hunting season to be a kind of extended holiday.  I was no exception, taking NRA-sponsored gun safety courses at the age of fifteen and getting my first weapon before my sixteenth birthday (a .22, which we called a squirrel gun because that's basically all it was good for,  though I did manage to use one to shoot very large raccoon out of a tree.)*

One of my best friends in High School was the son of a very talented taxidermist.  The guy was almost totally blind, which made his art even more impressive.  He would accept almost any animal carcass as a subject, and accept the meat of the animal as part-payment for his services (the guy was also a great cook, and I can still remember the taste of his venison meatloaf.)

I also remember interviewing him many times about his craft; why he did it, what made it special to him, etc.  Again and again he repeated a common theme, which he claimed to share with every other taxidermist on the planet- that at the very core of taxidermy is a simple, solemn respect for the creatures that are being "immortalized."

The moment I saw my very first trailer for AMC's Immortalized, these words came back to me and there was no mystery as to why this rubs me the wrong way.  Hunting is a sport, a tradition with a rich history, a bonding experience with fellow hunters and with nature, and good exercise when you don't perch yourself at the top of a tree and just wait for an unsuspecting victim to wander by.  Taxidermy, at it's best, is an art which captures the majesty of the animals sacrificed in a humane manner.  This show does not celebrate taxidermy at it's best, however.  Not when every ad for it mocks the dead animals, puts them into stupid poses, dresses them in glasses, etc.  I can't believe that any real taxidermist would look at this with anything but disgust.

My friend's dad has been dead for years, so I can't ask him his opinion of this insulting junk.  My guess however is that he would refuse to watch it, and denounce the taxidermists who participate as having fallen from the pure faith in order to score some screen time.  But if you think it's funny to mock dead animals, I guess this is the kind of show for you.  I just think it's really sad, and I can't help but wonder if the creative geniuses who conceived it have ever seen coyotes, wolves, or bears outside of a zoo or could tell us which side of a gun the bullet comes out of.

*that raccoon became a very ugly rug courtesy of my friend's father, and has been in storage for a quarter-century or so, having been packed away around the same time I stopped hunting.  I don't miss it, though I certainly understand its appeal.  This show?  I don't understand its appeal, at ALL.

"Everyday Food?" Oscar Mayer should include a "Do Not Attempt" disclaimer

Commercial A-

1.  The only thing in the package is pork.  That's the easy part.  If this guy did all the cooking with the spices and such, who really cares where the pork came from?

2.  Why would any adult lie like this?  I mean, what does he hope to gain?  And how insecure can you get- aren't these his friends?

3. "This isn't everyday food."  Yeah, no kidding.  If pulled pork is "everyday food" for you, you probably didn't live to see this commercial.

Commercial B-

"Was there something I could help you with?" asks zombie son.  Wow, really?  I can think of a few choice reactions to this-

1.  "Yes.  Get your ass off my couch, detach that fucking moron game from my tv, get your idiot friends out of my house and into all that free fresh air and sunshine outside.  That would help me."

2. "Oh, and leave the bacon I paid for on the plate.  I'll be eating it, while you are outside working off the amount YOU ate with actual exercise."

3.  "Talk to me like that again- while staring at a screen, barely acknowledging my existence, and trying to convince your friends that you run the house and I'm a real inconvenience when I'm not shelling out for stuff you want, and I'll put your potty training video on YouTube.  Do we understand each other?  I thought so."

MommyWife is one step closer to being obsolete, thanks to AirWick

It never takes that much to make most of them happy in a crushed soul, muted dreams kind of way: Nice house, reasonably decent guy bringing home a paycheck, jewelry a few times a year and a new baby maybe every other.  They don't ask for much more, and if they find themselves experiencing a gnawing sense of longing or lack of fulfillment, well...there's the new recipe to try or the fleeting moments of fantasy and daydreaming between the screaming, diaper changing and Honey Where The Hell Are My Keys mornings.

And then there's this woman, who finds way too much pleasure in emptying a can of air freshener as she twirls through the living room she gave her entire life to obtain.  I can't snark on her too much; I'm too busy wondering how far her fall was.  Did she EVER want more than this?  Oh, and wondering how she managed to sell herself to this jerk, who is clearly determined to wreck every false notion of value she might have left.

Thought I needed you to have someone to keep My Palace smelling great, honey? Well, think again- this AirWick thing means I won't be requiring that particular job out of you any longer.  Where the hell are my keys again?

Eventually, this guy will purchase a key finder, and this woman's contribution to the marriage will be reproducing and providing free sex.  When the guy decides he doesn't want any more children, and hologram technology finally starts to fulfill forty years of promise, there's not going to be much point in having you around anymore, MommyWife.  I mean, it's not like you've ever had anything interesting to say or have a personality or anything.

Identity Thief; stealing time from people who weren't using it anyway

Full disclosure: There are people very close to me who have said, in so many words, that they are wetting their pants in anticipation of this movie because OMIGOD IT LOOKS SO FUNNY ROTFLMAO LOL!!

In my defense, I'll add that if these people happen to be related to me, it is  BY MARRIAGE ONLY.  Maybe they share my last name but I'm NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR UTTER TASTELESSNESS, OK?

Anyway, I must say that I really do appreciate it when trailers scream Don't See This Movie Unless You Are a Glue-Sniffing, Knuckle-Dragging Inbred Who TiVo's  The Big Bang Theory and King of the Nerds and thought that the cartoon Archer was funny for more than fifteen minutes three years ago.  So a tip of the hat to the makers of this one; if I lay down ten bucks to see this ninety minutes of predictable, banal crud (not to mention, sitting in a freaking theater with people who would lay down ten bucks to watch this junk and LAUGH AT IT,) well, shame on me, because I can't claim I wasn't warned.

Because it's not like this doesn't let me know exactly what this movie requires:  total suspension of disbelief, including being willing to accept the notion that the way to combat the theft of one's identity is to hunt down the thief yourself.  It also requires the embrace of every hackneyed, beaten-to-death cliche concerning what is supposed to be "funny:"  Fat women.  Bug-eyed, perpetually perplexed white guys.  Clueless cops.  Explosions.  Car crashes.  And punches to the throat- lots and lots of punches to the throat.  As implied in the previous paragraph, the only thing I can imagine more unpleasant than watching this crap is spending 90 minutes in a dark room with people who are enjoying it.

Meanwhile, I'm sure this tub of warm pus will be a big hit.  I live in an amazingly stupid country after all, surrounded by people who think they are smart because they can read the Dollar Menu at McDonalds, personalize their iPhones with their "favorite Geico character," think Maxwell the Pig is hilarious and sent a Get Well Card to the AFLAC duck.  There's a huge market for Lowest Common Denominator sludge like Identity Thief, which is why we should brace ourselves for at least three sequels right now.

Well, at least the bottom-feeders will have something to laugh at until someone revives the Saw series.

Desperately Seeking Subtlety From Liquid Plumr. And Not Finding It

Wow, where to start?

First, where the hell does YouTube get off making us watch one commercial before seeing another commercial?  I mean, really.  What the hell?

Next, the sexual innuendo here barely fits into the parameters of what normally makes up "innuendo."  "Flush your Pipe?"  "Snake your Drain?"  A guy leering at this woman while balancing melons in his hands?

Why even bother?  Why not just show this woman being jumped by these guys?  And keep in mind- this isn't a woman having a fantasy about one guy.  It's a woman having multiple fantasies, about multiple guys.  She isn't experiencing amorous feelings about that stud she noticed in the fruit section of the grocery store.  She's dreaming of being nailed by a stud.  ANY stud.

This is so bizarre, so insulting, so downright STUPID that I can't even bring myself to point out what I thought would be my original punchline- that for 99 percent of clogs, that plastic snake thing would do the job.  Instead, in keeping with the spirit of this display of awfulness, I'll just say that this woman is clearly backed-up and needs a guy to use his snake to flush her pipes.  And now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a shower.