Before you listen to your kids and buy Net 10, at least check for an empty pod under her bed

Ugly, manipulative "and if this doesn't work, it's into the cornfield for both of you" daughter has no problem yanking the strings of her marionette parents to get what she wants.

What does she want?  Honestly, I'm not sure what daughter really gets out of being able to convince her parents to upgrade to "better" phones that will make them show better for their friends.  Mom "can't be seen" with your typical No Contract phone, because people will think she's one step away from using a Jitterbug or one of those devices peddled by AARP.  Wednesday Addams explains that she can get a SmartPhone through this plan, so it's all good, because after all no one can accuse Mom of being anything but With It if she has a SmartPhone.

And what other people think- well, what's more important than that?

Creepy-pale Bad Seed finishes with a final dose of bull which I guess is supposed to be cute but really ought to just make any discriminating customer of cell phone service more than a little irritated.  Why would anyone buy this product based on this ad?

StateFarm's ad men obviously skipped Logic 101

I'm not going to snark on the downright creepy Authoritative Male Voice coming out of the woman in this ad; if I wanted to focus on that, I'd use one of the Authoritative Male Voice Coming Out of the Kid ads, which are even creepier.

Instead, I'm going to focus on the painfully stupid non-logic at work in this crappy little nugget of a commercial, because as a teacher, it's so irritatingly familiar.

Several times a year, I'll give my class a piece of factual information like "the average American family has 2 children," only to get a response along the lines of "that's not true, Mr. Jamele- everyone in my neighborhood has at least four kids."  Or I'll mention that the average age of an American woman when she gets married is 24, and hear a chorus of "That's not true- my mom was 19 when she got married, and my sister was 20!"  Or I'll say "less than two percent of Americans are Orthodox Jews" and hear "Nuh-UHH, everyone I KNOW is Jewish!"  (Perhaps I should mention here than I teach at a private Orthodox Jewish school.)  Then I have to explain how statistics work, and what is meant by most people when they use the phrase "The Exception Proves the Rule."

Even though you are not one of my students, let me help you out here, Stupid StateFarm Woman Who Isn't Allowed to Speak for Herself for the entire ad:

According to statistics, men ON AVERAGE are safer drivers than women.*  The fact that you received a Safe Driving Bonus check does not disprove this statistic, because the claim is NOT "No women are Safe Drivers."  Actually, even that claim would not be disproved by this woman receiving a Safe Driving Bonus Check- the guy would have to say "No Woman has ever received a State Farm Safe Driver Bonus Check" for her little tantrum to be valid.

What makes this even more stupid is the fact that the guy is supposed to be SILENCED by this woman's bizarre non-answer.  Hmmm..maybe the next time one of my kids tells me that everyone who attends her shul is Jewish, I should apologize for saying that most Americans who attend religious services adhere to some form of Christianity and promise to review my sources.  Instead, I think I'll just refuse to adopt this childish little version of "Nuh-Uh 'cause I've got an anecdotal story which shows you are wrong" and stubbornly stick to the facts.

*I don't even know if this is true, and I don't assume it is because State Farm says so.   But come to think of it, I've been in two accidents that were my fault, and I know a woman who has been in three, so I guess this guy is right after all.  ;>)

Progresso: My husband is humiliating me with his youthful looks and energy!

1.  There's not a whole lot of evidence here that "we" are really enjoying Progresso's new line of Light soups.  Husband- yes.  We? No.

2.  Leave it to pasty, Still-apparently-locked-indoors wife to complain that her slimmed-down, exercise-conscious, twenty-years-younger husband is wearing 80s jogging gear while embracing his new lifestyle.  Sure, he's healthier.  Sure, he's more muscular.  Sure, he has more energy.  But ewwww check out the colors!  What will the neighbors think?  Well, my guess is

3.  The neighbors are probably spending less time talking about Hubby's garish wardrobe than they are wondering where the hell Wifey is, and why she isn't out there running alongside Hubby and trimming down too.  Instead of hanging around the house, talking into an empty can with some "chef" over at Progresso.

Hey, honey?  Here are few tips that Progresso would give you if it was interested in something other than peddling its product:  Now that you have both embraced eating bland, watery soup as a way of cutting calories, why not take the extra step and get that body moving like Hubby did?  My guess is that he won't mind if you pull the leggings and wrist weights and rainbow tank tops out of storage, if it means you regain that curvy form that attracted him to you twenty years ago.  I just can't see him calling the Progresso Complaint Line to vent about you becoming a young, lithe, energetic little goddess in the sack, can you?

Oh, and here's other little tip- it's not a good idea to stand still while your Significant Other is embarked on a journey of physical improvement.  I'm not trying to judge your relationship or anything, but I feel like I gotta warn you- there are plenty of fish in the sea, and not all of them are content to be pale, overweight curmudgeons while their spouses are busy discovering the fountain of youth through diet and exercise.  Just a thought.

Remember when AMC used to mean "American Movie Classics?"

It's bad enough that AMC, once the place for truly Classic movies, is now the place to see pretty much any movie whose rights are inexpensive to obtain (did you know that "Constantine," "Demolition Man," and "Anaconda" were "Classics?"  Me neither.)

It's even worse that AMC, once the place to see these Classic movies commercial-free, now crowds out every running of "Battle for the Planet of the Apes" with about 500 ads for Viagra, K-Y Jelly and State Farm Insurance (yes, I do believe that all three show up around the same place on the Taste Meter.)

And it's just plain horrible that AMC has become the dumping ground for bottom-feeder television shows that were so wretched, the History Channel wouldn't pick them up.  I'm talking Immortalized,  Comic Book Men, The Walking Dead, Talking Dead, Brain Dead (ok, I made that last one up.  I think.)

But the ad for this garbage doesn't make any sense to me at ALL.  I guess it's supposed to be "funny" because haha look at these weirdos, they look so awful and they are doing such nonconformist things while the narrator is telling us that they are basically like Us Normals.  I'd think it was an almost important message concerning tolerance and a reminder that Diversity is an American strength- but then I am told that the program is called "Freakshow."  So never mind- if the people here disgust you, it's not because you've got a stick up your ass and can't comprehend anyone not embracing your exact lifestyle.  It's because they are Freaks, and you are Normal.

Well, thank goodness there's something to watch after I get done laughing at stuffed animals in stupid poses.  Now I can go right to watching weirdos getting exploited by AMC's desperate attempt to get to the bottom before The History Channel beats them to it.  Lovely.

Music Bullet to the Barely-breathing Intensive Care patient known as "Society"

Yes, we all know what a PAIN it is when we want to listen to our music anywhere, at any time- and all we have is headphones or cell phone or laptop speakers!  Even when we crank the volume all the way up, we have to stand within 20 feet of our devices or we can't hear a damn thing!

Now there's Magic Bullet, an amazing, wonderful device which allows us to listen to our music as God Intended- at a volume which lets everyone within a hundred yards or so know what our tastes are.  Now if we are at the beach, or the park, or the library, or the hospital, or the cemetery- No Matter, we NEVER EVER EVER have to be without our music- and now, everyone else gets to be with our music, too.

I wonder sometimes if the people who create and market crap like this are really the most inconsiderate, thoughtless pricks in the universe- or if they are just deaf and bitter at us Hearing Peoples.  Personally, if Magic Bullet becomes popular, I think I'll be envying the deaf and wondering what they think is so great about being able to hear.

Never mind the phone; does Radio Shack offer kid upgrades?

Are there really any dads out there who are so whipped and beaten down by their KIDS that they would let themselves be treated like this guy does?  I mean, check out this choad's fat doofus son, who mysteriously has the power to force his dad into the local Radio Shack to purchase a new phone because Dad's current one is ewwwww so lame and so 2012.

Seriously, this little putz (the kid, not the dad) sure runs a tight ship, doesn't he?  Son has had more than enough of Dad not showing well for his friends, and it's time for Dad to get hooked up with whatever the saleswoman at Radio Shack tells him is the Coolest Phone This Month.  Maybe Son has threatened Dad with-- well, what?  How exactly did the Conversation Before The Cameras Started Running go?  Did Son threaten to hold his breath until he got uglier?  What?

Whatever happened, the disgusting wuss (the dad, not the kid) goes along because after all, it's all about Showing Well for Your Kid.   I guess these two just deserve each other.  But don't try to convince me that Mom is still around.  She either took off for greener pastures, or Son has already wished her under one.  Either way, she's in a much better place, and far better off than Dad, who will no doubt find himself at the car dealership within the next few days because Jeeeeesssshhhh why are you still driving a 2012 model stupid, don't you know how LAME that makes you look (eyeroll.)

This could make me swear off Hondas

I've been teaching Advanced Placement history for eighteen years, and let me start of by making it very clear that I am not a worshiper of the Founding Fathers.  I don't think they walked on water, and I don't believe that we should attempt to decipher everything they did and said before making a decision on anything.  As far as I'm concerned, they were just like us- extremely flawed human beings (Even more flawed than us, in that most of them owned slaves.)

This commercial doesn't show a healthy, "hey they were just people too" attitude toward the Founders.  It basically presents them as insignificant little cartoon characters available to be mocked and caricatured- and used to sell cars, of course.  There's nothing really new here- George Washington's image was used to sell cigars 130 years ago.  I used to play with Lincoln Logs ( I still think that they are the best toy ever invented by anyone, ever.)  Presidents have been selling mattresses for as long as I can remember.  But there have to be some limits.  At least, I used to think so.  Then I saw this, and realized that there is no bottom to the barrel as far as advertisers are concerned.

At this moment, I'm ashamed that my last three cars have been Hondas, and that I had every intention of making my next one a Honda as well.  Most of my family drives Hondas.  They are good, reliable cars which are also inexpensive to operate.  But darn it- I don't know if I can patronize the label after this.  I think I'll spend the next several months watching Toyota ads to see if they come anywhere close to this level of Insulting.

But, Volkswagen?  Forget it.  You are still much worse.