I really thought this was a parody ad, and I still can't quite believe it isn't

I mean, just look at this.  Money-obsessed jackasses who haven't quite figured out that no matter how much time they spend attempting to manipulate their pile into something larger, forces beyond their control and which don't give a flying damn about them will ultimately determine what happens to it.  Said money-obsessed human pigs pretending to watch the world go by while gigantic "I" letters fly about, revealing that all that really matters to them is that money.  And all the time, some song containing a single letter- the only letter that counts to these people-repeated over and over again in the background.

I Trade.  I maneuver.  I Shift and Position and Invest and create pie charts.  I get constant updates on my I Phone or my I Pad.  I pore over Information.  What's going on right now in my life is ok and everything, but what I'm concerned with is what comes Next- when I am old and I can't earn any more money through actual work.   So I am going to spend my fleeting youth looking at symbols and percentage rates and dividends and points, while the planet spins around me and the suckers who think that having fun and doing non-money stuff is going to get them anywhere.

And all the time, I'll be doing it to my favorite tune.  It's a lovely song with only one word which sums up my life.  "I.....I, I.......I, I........"

Because dealing with cable makes Baby Jesus cry

I will NEVER understand how I woke up one day and found myself in a country populated entirely by lazy, tv-obsessed dickwads who think that that there is nothing more important than being able to record and store every single show without dealing with OMG HOW ANNOYING limitations on their precious God-given right to waste time.

Just check out these disgusting, life-deficient zombies.  What's Not Quite As Annoying/Irritating/Anger-Inducting as having a limited recording capacity thanks to Ewwww So Yesterday cable?  An out of control ventriloquist dummy on an airplane (they sure ran out of "more annoying than..." ideas in record time, didn't they?)  Car accidents.  Being mugged by clowns.  Having dentists sneeze into your open mouth.

( Coming next month:  Unplanned Abortions.  Chinese Organ Thieves.  The death of siblings.  Mass Shootings.  )

Yes, all of these things are VERY annoying- but don't quite approach the inability to record 2000 hours of one's "favorite" tv shows (why don't these choads just admit it- if you are constantly pushing your DVR to capacity, you are probably recording everything and never erasing anything.  Which means you are wasting too damn much time watching television.)

Here's what I find more annoying than cable- ads featuring people who have so little going on in their lives that they feel the need to bitch nonstop about a service that would have seemed miraculous to people in the freaking 1990s.  People who act as if being able to record television is the Be All and End All of existence.  People who need to just shut their spoiled rotten pie holes and take "DVR FULL" as a sign from God- or maybe Comcast- that it's time to shut the damned idiot box off for a while and Do. Something. Else.  And especially people who refuse to admit that they died years ago and just go into the damned hole and make it official already.

In five years, this kid will be playing Rerun in the "What's Happening?" movie

"Math is my best subject?"  Really?  I would have guessed "manipulating my stupid parents into hauling my fat ass off to the local Golden Corral Feed Bin for cheap, greasy, bland food" would have been the subject you get most of your A's in, kid.

Not that being able to twist these tasteless, clueless idiots around your finger is much to be be proud of.  Anyone who sees "seconds or more" as a selling point for a restaurant specializing in meatloaf, macaroni and cheese and a fountain spewing Hershey syrup (not to mention the disgusting hicks standing in line to stick their hands in the cotton candy machine) isn't exactly the hardest nut to crack, after all.  So congratulations, kid- your mom managed to get herself knocked up by a dumbass who probably thinks that his daily use of the MacDonald's Dollar Menu qualifies him for membership in MENSA.

And in twenty seconds flat, you've conned Daddy Clueless into piling you and mom into the family auto for an hour or so of binge eating.  Don't forget to change into sweatpants!  (I'd say "don't forget to sweat," but for Golden Corral regulars I'm sure that particular activity comes naturally.)

So again- congratulations, kid.  Enjoy your evening of carb-loading.  With any luck, Dad will call it quits before he slips into a diabetic coma- but if he doesn't, well, I guess that's what Mom is for, right?

Before you listen to your kids and buy Net 10, at least check for an empty pod under her bed

Ugly, manipulative "and if this doesn't work, it's into the cornfield for both of you" daughter has no problem yanking the strings of her marionette parents to get what she wants.

What does she want?  Honestly, I'm not sure what daughter really gets out of being able to convince her parents to upgrade to "better" phones that will make them show better for their friends.  Mom "can't be seen" with your typical No Contract phone, because people will think she's one step away from using a Jitterbug or one of those devices peddled by AARP.  Wednesday Addams explains that she can get a SmartPhone through this plan, so it's all good, because after all no one can accuse Mom of being anything but With It if she has a SmartPhone.

And what other people think- well, what's more important than that?

Creepy-pale Bad Seed finishes with a final dose of bull which I guess is supposed to be cute but really ought to just make any discriminating customer of cell phone service more than a little irritated.  Why would anyone buy this product based on this ad?

StateFarm's ad men obviously skipped Logic 101

I'm not going to snark on the downright creepy Authoritative Male Voice coming out of the woman in this ad; if I wanted to focus on that, I'd use one of the Authoritative Male Voice Coming Out of the Kid ads, which are even creepier.

Instead, I'm going to focus on the painfully stupid non-logic at work in this crappy little nugget of a commercial, because as a teacher, it's so irritatingly familiar.

Several times a year, I'll give my class a piece of factual information like "the average American family has 2 children," only to get a response along the lines of "that's not true, Mr. Jamele- everyone in my neighborhood has at least four kids."  Or I'll mention that the average age of an American woman when she gets married is 24, and hear a chorus of "That's not true- my mom was 19 when she got married, and my sister was 20!"  Or I'll say "less than two percent of Americans are Orthodox Jews" and hear "Nuh-UHH, everyone I KNOW is Jewish!"  (Perhaps I should mention here than I teach at a private Orthodox Jewish school.)  Then I have to explain how statistics work, and what is meant by most people when they use the phrase "The Exception Proves the Rule."

Even though you are not one of my students, let me help you out here, Stupid StateFarm Woman Who Isn't Allowed to Speak for Herself for the entire ad:

According to statistics, men ON AVERAGE are safer drivers than women.*  The fact that you received a Safe Driving Bonus check does not disprove this statistic, because the claim is NOT "No women are Safe Drivers."  Actually, even that claim would not be disproved by this woman receiving a Safe Driving Bonus Check- the guy would have to say "No Woman has ever received a State Farm Safe Driver Bonus Check" for her little tantrum to be valid.

What makes this even more stupid is the fact that the guy is supposed to be SILENCED by this woman's bizarre non-answer.  Hmmm..maybe the next time one of my kids tells me that everyone who attends her shul is Jewish, I should apologize for saying that most Americans who attend religious services adhere to some form of Christianity and promise to review my sources.  Instead, I think I'll just refuse to adopt this childish little version of "Nuh-Uh 'cause I've got an anecdotal story which shows you are wrong" and stubbornly stick to the facts.

*I don't even know if this is true, and I don't assume it is because State Farm says so.   But come to think of it, I've been in two accidents that were my fault, and I know a woman who has been in three, so I guess this guy is right after all.  ;>)

Progresso: My husband is humiliating me with his youthful looks and energy!

1.  There's not a whole lot of evidence here that "we" are really enjoying Progresso's new line of Light soups.  Husband- yes.  We? No.

2.  Leave it to pasty, Still-apparently-locked-indoors wife to complain that her slimmed-down, exercise-conscious, twenty-years-younger husband is wearing 80s jogging gear while embracing his new lifestyle.  Sure, he's healthier.  Sure, he's more muscular.  Sure, he has more energy.  But ewwww check out the colors!  What will the neighbors think?  Well, my guess is

3.  The neighbors are probably spending less time talking about Hubby's garish wardrobe than they are wondering where the hell Wifey is, and why she isn't out there running alongside Hubby and trimming down too.  Instead of hanging around the house, talking into an empty can with some "chef" over at Progresso.

Hey, honey?  Here are few tips that Progresso would give you if it was interested in something other than peddling its product:  Now that you have both embraced eating bland, watery soup as a way of cutting calories, why not take the extra step and get that body moving like Hubby did?  My guess is that he won't mind if you pull the leggings and wrist weights and rainbow tank tops out of storage, if it means you regain that curvy form that attracted him to you twenty years ago.  I just can't see him calling the Progresso Complaint Line to vent about you becoming a young, lithe, energetic little goddess in the sack, can you?

Oh, and here's other little tip- it's not a good idea to stand still while your Significant Other is embarked on a journey of physical improvement.  I'm not trying to judge your relationship or anything, but I feel like I gotta warn you- there are plenty of fish in the sea, and not all of them are content to be pale, overweight curmudgeons while their spouses are busy discovering the fountain of youth through diet and exercise.  Just a thought.

Remember when AMC used to mean "American Movie Classics?"

It's bad enough that AMC, once the place for truly Classic movies, is now the place to see pretty much any movie whose rights are inexpensive to obtain (did you know that "Constantine," "Demolition Man," and "Anaconda" were "Classics?"  Me neither.)

It's even worse that AMC, once the place to see these Classic movies commercial-free, now crowds out every running of "Battle for the Planet of the Apes" with about 500 ads for Viagra, K-Y Jelly and State Farm Insurance (yes, I do believe that all three show up around the same place on the Taste Meter.)

And it's just plain horrible that AMC has become the dumping ground for bottom-feeder television shows that were so wretched, the History Channel wouldn't pick them up.  I'm talking Immortalized,  Comic Book Men, The Walking Dead, Talking Dead, Brain Dead (ok, I made that last one up.  I think.)

But the ad for this garbage doesn't make any sense to me at ALL.  I guess it's supposed to be "funny" because haha look at these weirdos, they look so awful and they are doing such nonconformist things while the narrator is telling us that they are basically like Us Normals.  I'd think it was an almost important message concerning tolerance and a reminder that Diversity is an American strength- but then I am told that the program is called "Freakshow."  So never mind- if the people here disgust you, it's not because you've got a stick up your ass and can't comprehend anyone not embracing your exact lifestyle.  It's because they are Freaks, and you are Normal.

Well, thank goodness there's something to watch after I get done laughing at stuffed animals in stupid poses.  Now I can go right to watching weirdos getting exploited by AMC's desperate attempt to get to the bottom before The History Channel beats them to it.  Lovely.