Hulu Presents: An Honest Commercial.

This is where we are as a society: Where Hulu, a company that markets being able to watch any television, anywhere, at any time, can come right out and tell us what they really think of their customers: That they are all brain-dead zombies who are letting life pass right in front of them while they burn their eyes and brains out  staring at a little screen.

I can hardly disagree; this is a point I've been making on this blog regularly for more than four years now.  Drooling jackasses who "need" to be forever blathering or texting with their phones, or watching television or listening to music (again, no headphones to be seen anywhere in this ad, you'll notice) are only distinguishable from Hollywood zombies in that the latter just want to eat brains- other than that, Hollywood Zombies tend to stay out of my way, and they never make me want to slap them around because they are laughing out loud at some steaming pile of crud they are watching on their Personal Connectivity Device.   They don't carry out pointless, endless non-conversations in public places or hold up the line at the checkout counter because they refuse to put those non-conversations on pause in order to hand money to the cashier or bag their groceries.  They don't ignore multiple "NO CELLPHONES" signs in gym locker rooms or ruin quiet moments in museums because hey, it's not like they could ever actually turn those f---ing things off.  They don't drive distracted or ignore their kids because they consider the electronic yakking or other entertainment more important than the safety of others or precious moments with the spawn.

Which actually leaves me with very little to say about this ad, except that it proves we've finally reached the moment where a company is confident that it can tell it's customers "you are all dribbling tools who have a serious addiction to our product, and we have absolutely zero respect for you because we know that no matter what we do or say, you are going to shell out for our service like good little trained monkeys" and face absolutely no repercussions.  They've kind of been beating around this bush for a few decades now, and in a way I'm relieved that the lame attempts of subtlety are over.  I also hope this is a trend, and in the future we can expect to see:

1.  Zales Diamonds:  "Here's a ridiculously overpriced piece of ancient rock that you'll buy even though you really can't afford it and it would make a lot more sense to use the money to pay down your mortgage, because women love shiny things and will jump in the sack if you dangle this in front of them."

2.  All Car Commercials: "Buy this car because it looks so showroom-shiny and it's got all those electronic bells and whistles techno-addled idiots like you have come to think are important!  I mean, you people are so brain-dead we don't even have to mention gas mileage or reliability in our ads anymore!"

3.  All Cell Phone Commercials:  "We know you want this phone even though yours is only a few months old, because it's got a cool name and you are so obsessed with showing well for your friends (assuming you still have any) you'll go into debt to avoid that, you suckers are so easy to play it would be pathetic and sad it it weren't so damned fun and profitable!"

Title refers to IQ of people who are too intelligent to enjoy this crap

Ever notice how often the "From the Makers of" line is totally superfluous?  Like this trailer doesn't have "The Hangover" stink all over it.  What's more than a little sad is the fact that for plenty of people, reminding them that the makers of this dreck were also involved in the making of "The Hangover" is actually a reason to  plop down $10 to see it.

Of course, this trailer also has the stink of a thousand Life Is All About Going to College/Turning 21/Losing One's Virginity/ etc. etc. etc. films.  I don't know what goes through the heads of The Makers Of movies like this- there's no way that any of this resembles anyone's actual life experiences.  I've always imagined that these films are all made by the same population of bitter adults who were once wan, flabby, pimply-faced wallflowers who spent their youth watching popular kids from afar and imagining that they were always doing really cool things with THEIR weekends (like partying at 48-hour keggers and making out with the cheerleaders while pulling hi-LARIOUS and Soon To Be Legendary pranks on the Dean.)  Meaning that these films are essentially just therapy for middle-aged dopes who think that they were left out of all the fun and who want to convince us that they weren't- "see, we know what wildly fun things free spirits do at a certain age, 'cause we were there once too.  Yes, we partied ALL THE TIME and we NEVER stayed in the basement on Saturday nights playing Nintendo wishing the phone would ring!  Those were OTHER guys, not us!"

WTF-ever, people.  I'm not going to talk anyone out of seeing "21 and Over," and I'm not even going to try. Because just like I'm pretty sure I've got the Makers of this crap pegged, I think I know the audience, too:  Twentysomethings who spend 2 hours trying to project themselves into the characters while privately wondering why their lives are Never Like This At All, and Fortysomethings who hope someone will notice them giving their "yep, I SO remember doing shit like that" looks.  They are both welcome to the experience.

Just when I thought I wasn't depressed enough...along comes Geico

I can't be sure of a date on any given Saturday night, but this pig is parked with a woman who is eager to make out with it.

Thanks, Geico.  This is what I need in my life right now.

I'm confused, Verizon. I don't see ANY "Hiking" going on in your latest ad

This commercial begins to lose me with the hopeless dweeb kid's opening line- "Dad, put that down."  We don't know what "that" is or why it's so important that Dad put it down- all we see is that Dad is instantly horrified by the thing that he picked up, apparently because his supergeek kid told him he needs to put it down.  Whatever.

This kid....Jesus, what is with this kid?  He's supposed to be out hiking with his dad, but he spends the whole freaking ad staring at his damned phone and bleating a commercial for Verizon.  Why does he even HAVE that phone?  I've hiked thousands of miles without one.  Know what a phone is good for on a hike?  Distracting you so you trip over a root and break your freaking leg.  Or sitting in your backpack just in case you get lost.  This kid hasn't broken his leg stumbling while trying to play Angry Birds on his f---ing phone (too bad, that would make a good commercial) and they aren't acting like they are lost, so I have no idea why these idiots have suddenly stopped in the middle of the woods to compare SuperNerd's phone connectivity to the internet access they have at home.

Oh, and what kind of awful genetic match-up produced this creep, anyway?  He's obsessed with his phone to the point of giving his dad a fricking sales pitch in the middle of the woods.  He doesn't look like being outside (or going to a gym) is something he's particularly familiar with.  And for the love of G-d he's wearing a THIS IS MY CLONE T SHIRT!!  It might as well say BEAT ME or GIRLS HAVE COOTIES.  I mean, come on!

I really thought this was a parody ad, and I still can't quite believe it isn't

I mean, just look at this.  Money-obsessed jackasses who haven't quite figured out that no matter how much time they spend attempting to manipulate their pile into something larger, forces beyond their control and which don't give a flying damn about them will ultimately determine what happens to it.  Said money-obsessed human pigs pretending to watch the world go by while gigantic "I" letters fly about, revealing that all that really matters to them is that money.  And all the time, some song containing a single letter- the only letter that counts to these people-repeated over and over again in the background.

I Trade.  I maneuver.  I Shift and Position and Invest and create pie charts.  I get constant updates on my I Phone or my I Pad.  I pore over Information.  What's going on right now in my life is ok and everything, but what I'm concerned with is what comes Next- when I am old and I can't earn any more money through actual work.   So I am going to spend my fleeting youth looking at symbols and percentage rates and dividends and points, while the planet spins around me and the suckers who think that having fun and doing non-money stuff is going to get them anywhere.

And all the time, I'll be doing it to my favorite tune.  It's a lovely song with only one word which sums up my life.  "I.....I, I.......I, I........"

Because dealing with cable makes Baby Jesus cry

I will NEVER understand how I woke up one day and found myself in a country populated entirely by lazy, tv-obsessed dickwads who think that that there is nothing more important than being able to record and store every single show without dealing with OMG HOW ANNOYING limitations on their precious God-given right to waste time.

Just check out these disgusting, life-deficient zombies.  What's Not Quite As Annoying/Irritating/Anger-Inducting as having a limited recording capacity thanks to Ewwww So Yesterday cable?  An out of control ventriloquist dummy on an airplane (they sure ran out of "more annoying than..." ideas in record time, didn't they?)  Car accidents.  Being mugged by clowns.  Having dentists sneeze into your open mouth.

( Coming next month:  Unplanned Abortions.  Chinese Organ Thieves.  The death of siblings.  Mass Shootings.  )

Yes, all of these things are VERY annoying- but don't quite approach the inability to record 2000 hours of one's "favorite" tv shows (why don't these choads just admit it- if you are constantly pushing your DVR to capacity, you are probably recording everything and never erasing anything.  Which means you are wasting too damn much time watching television.)

Here's what I find more annoying than cable- ads featuring people who have so little going on in their lives that they feel the need to bitch nonstop about a service that would have seemed miraculous to people in the freaking 1990s.  People who act as if being able to record television is the Be All and End All of existence.  People who need to just shut their spoiled rotten pie holes and take "DVR FULL" as a sign from God- or maybe Comcast- that it's time to shut the damned idiot box off for a while and Do. Something. Else.  And especially people who refuse to admit that they died years ago and just go into the damned hole and make it official already.

In five years, this kid will be playing Rerun in the "What's Happening?" movie

"Math is my best subject?"  Really?  I would have guessed "manipulating my stupid parents into hauling my fat ass off to the local Golden Corral Feed Bin for cheap, greasy, bland food" would have been the subject you get most of your A's in, kid.

Not that being able to twist these tasteless, clueless idiots around your finger is much to be be proud of.  Anyone who sees "seconds or more" as a selling point for a restaurant specializing in meatloaf, macaroni and cheese and a fountain spewing Hershey syrup (not to mention the disgusting hicks standing in line to stick their hands in the cotton candy machine) isn't exactly the hardest nut to crack, after all.  So congratulations, kid- your mom managed to get herself knocked up by a dumbass who probably thinks that his daily use of the MacDonald's Dollar Menu qualifies him for membership in MENSA.

And in twenty seconds flat, you've conned Daddy Clueless into piling you and mom into the family auto for an hour or so of binge eating.  Don't forget to change into sweatpants!  (I'd say "don't forget to sweat," but for Golden Corral regulars I'm sure that particular activity comes naturally.)

So again- congratulations, kid.  Enjoy your evening of carb-loading.  With any luck, Dad will call it quits before he slips into a diabetic coma- but if he doesn't, well, I guess that's what Mom is for, right?