Leave it to McDonalds.....

...to create a completely unsnarkable commercial.

Seriously, I don't even know what this is.  I'm too stunned to even respond.  I'm only posting it here because maybe someone out there can explain it to me.

Or maybe I secretly hate my audience, and wanted to inflict this.....this....SOMETHING....on it.

Come on, John.  Try to come up with something else....

Ok, I've got it.  I bet you anything that within thirty days, at least half a dozen witless morons with iPhones will post "hilarious" takes on this Whatever It Is.  Because that's what YouTube is all about, and that's the country we've become.

Can I go now?

(BTW, this is my 1000 blog post!  And I was sure, back in January 2009, that I'd run out of commercials to rag on after a few months at most!  I will never again underestimate the ability of ad agencies to find the lowest common denominator, pry it up, and keep digging down.)

Cici's 24-foot monument to garbage

Seeing a new Cici's ad is like welcoming back an old friend.  It's been more than a year since I've picked on this particular feed bin, and it's good to see it's still alive and well in the land of Denny's, Golden Corral and the rest of the Eat Yourself To Death For Very Little Money slop troughs disguised as restaurants.

Notice how in all Cici's commercials it looks as though the place has just opened?  Everything is in pristine condition, the pizzas are perfectly lined up, clearly nothing has been touched.  The place is GLEAMING.  As if this is what Serve Yourself Until You Burst places look like after the first trip to the pizza line by the fat sock puppets in sweatpants.  Far more likely that the pizza slices are scattered everywhere, sauce has managed to make it to the sneeze guard, the "best" choices are long gone, and a tubby 12-year old is holding everyone up waiting for more cinnamon buns to be put out.

I wonder what has to be going through the heads of guys who would actually bring their families to places like this (other than "I want to ignore my mature metabolism and sense of taste and eat like I'm fourteen again.")  Check out this idiot- he looks downright paralyzed by the gorgeous sight of 24 feet of nutrition-deficient carbs, fat and salt.  Or maybe he's just never been the very first person to walk into Cici's after it opens, and had no idea that pizzas are supposed to be round and not covered with fingerprints, flipped upside down, or hanging halfway off the communal table.  I've never been to one of these places, but I can just imagine what this slop looks like after thirty or forty disgusting two-legged rodents who know they don't have to clean up after themselves get their hands on it.  It's not a pretty thought.

And I'm not even going to bother snarking on the quality one can expect of unlimited pizza, pasta and cinnamon rolls offered up at $5.  For Cici's to turn a profit, that pizza must be made of the cheapest junk available outside of an Upton Sinclair novel.  I know pasta is practically free ( I don't want to meet someone capable of consuming five dollars' worth at one sitting) and so are cinnamon buns- but cheese is kind of expensive, and so is meat.  The corners this place must cut to be so successful- makes me shudder to think about it.

The race to the bottom is dead even. And speaking of dead...

And no one- NO ONE- will be happier than me when these horrible ad campaigns are OVER.

Maybe Geico and Verizon could sue each other into oblivion for stealing each other's-- ummm-- "brilliant commercial concepts?"

Barring that, maybe an asteroid could slam into whatever part of Los Angeles these monstrosities were concocted in, killing everyone involved (and their children, just to be safe?)

Sorry- I still think Domino's menu is pretty scary

Let's see if I get this straight:

This woman is "afraid" to try anything from Domino's other than pizza.  Actually, this part I get- she has an aversion to subjecting her body to nasty, mass-produced garbage from a chain pizza joint.  I'm not sure I would call that "fear," though.  Maybe "common sense."

Domino's pizza delivery doofus is oddly fixated on the idea of convincing this woman to try something from Domino's other than pizza.  Is he sick of bringing pizza to this woman's apartment?  Does he hope for some level of fulfillment from bringing a pan of lukewarm pasta, or a sandwich, instead?  I don't get his motivation, but he's pretty determined, because...

Domino's pizza delivery doofus is willing to "do something that scares me" in exchange for this woman's willingness to get out of her "comfort zone" and take a bite out of a freaking sandwich.  That "something" doesn't involve trying the Available For a Limited Time Fish Bites from MacDonalds or anything that isn't on that "restaurant's" Dollar Menu- that would be too logical a fit, I guess.  Instead, he's required to go on some amusement park ride.  I don't get this- are we really supposed to equate eating a sandwich with being strapped to a chair and hurled through space (though personally, I'd find the two-hour wait to experience this 20-second ride more scary than the ride itself?)  Or is this little nub of dumb all about showing us a black kid screaming with terror with his eyes bugged out?

Deus ex (slow) machina!

1.  Nobody not in a MyCleanPC.com commercial would refer to their slow computer as being "dirty."  Unless the person is surfing for porn.  Then they might use the word "dirty," but it STILL would not be describing the slow performance of the computer.

2.  Nobody not in a MyCleanPC.com commercial would refer to their computer as a "PC."  I've never heard anyone call their computer anything but a Computer, a Desktop, or a Laptop.  PC?  Sorry, MyCleanPC.com, that "FinallyFast.com" and "DoubleMySpeed.com" were already taken- that doesn't mean that we are using the term "PC" to refer to our computers.

So this is basically the most contrived setup seen on the screen since Anakin asked Qui-Gon "I've been wondering, what are midi-chlorians?"*

*Though I must say, what I thought was ten minutes of pointless banter concerning the Epic Awesomeness of Pod-racing earlier in the film really delivered in cinematic payoff, didn't it? :>(

Hulu Presents: An Honest Commercial.

This is where we are as a society: Where Hulu, a company that markets being able to watch any television, anywhere, at any time, can come right out and tell us what they really think of their customers: That they are all brain-dead zombies who are letting life pass right in front of them while they burn their eyes and brains out  staring at a little screen.

I can hardly disagree; this is a point I've been making on this blog regularly for more than four years now.  Drooling jackasses who "need" to be forever blathering or texting with their phones, or watching television or listening to music (again, no headphones to be seen anywhere in this ad, you'll notice) are only distinguishable from Hollywood zombies in that the latter just want to eat brains- other than that, Hollywood Zombies tend to stay out of my way, and they never make me want to slap them around because they are laughing out loud at some steaming pile of crud they are watching on their Personal Connectivity Device.   They don't carry out pointless, endless non-conversations in public places or hold up the line at the checkout counter because they refuse to put those non-conversations on pause in order to hand money to the cashier or bag their groceries.  They don't ignore multiple "NO CELLPHONES" signs in gym locker rooms or ruin quiet moments in museums because hey, it's not like they could ever actually turn those f---ing things off.  They don't drive distracted or ignore their kids because they consider the electronic yakking or other entertainment more important than the safety of others or precious moments with the spawn.

Which actually leaves me with very little to say about this ad, except that it proves we've finally reached the moment where a company is confident that it can tell it's customers "you are all dribbling tools who have a serious addiction to our product, and we have absolutely zero respect for you because we know that no matter what we do or say, you are going to shell out for our service like good little trained monkeys" and face absolutely no repercussions.  They've kind of been beating around this bush for a few decades now, and in a way I'm relieved that the lame attempts of subtlety are over.  I also hope this is a trend, and in the future we can expect to see:

1.  Zales Diamonds:  "Here's a ridiculously overpriced piece of ancient rock that you'll buy even though you really can't afford it and it would make a lot more sense to use the money to pay down your mortgage, because women love shiny things and will jump in the sack if you dangle this in front of them."

2.  All Car Commercials: "Buy this car because it looks so showroom-shiny and it's got all those electronic bells and whistles techno-addled idiots like you have come to think are important!  I mean, you people are so brain-dead we don't even have to mention gas mileage or reliability in our ads anymore!"

3.  All Cell Phone Commercials:  "We know you want this phone even though yours is only a few months old, because it's got a cool name and you are so obsessed with showing well for your friends (assuming you still have any) you'll go into debt to avoid that, you suckers are so easy to play it would be pathetic and sad it it weren't so damned fun and profitable!"

Title refers to IQ of people who are too intelligent to enjoy this crap

Ever notice how often the "From the Makers of" line is totally superfluous?  Like this trailer doesn't have "The Hangover" stink all over it.  What's more than a little sad is the fact that for plenty of people, reminding them that the makers of this dreck were also involved in the making of "The Hangover" is actually a reason to  plop down $10 to see it.

Of course, this trailer also has the stink of a thousand Life Is All About Going to College/Turning 21/Losing One's Virginity/ etc. etc. etc. films.  I don't know what goes through the heads of The Makers Of movies like this- there's no way that any of this resembles anyone's actual life experiences.  I've always imagined that these films are all made by the same population of bitter adults who were once wan, flabby, pimply-faced wallflowers who spent their youth watching popular kids from afar and imagining that they were always doing really cool things with THEIR weekends (like partying at 48-hour keggers and making out with the cheerleaders while pulling hi-LARIOUS and Soon To Be Legendary pranks on the Dean.)  Meaning that these films are essentially just therapy for middle-aged dopes who think that they were left out of all the fun and who want to convince us that they weren't- "see, we know what wildly fun things free spirits do at a certain age, 'cause we were there once too.  Yes, we partied ALL THE TIME and we NEVER stayed in the basement on Saturday nights playing Nintendo wishing the phone would ring!  Those were OTHER guys, not us!"

WTF-ever, people.  I'm not going to talk anyone out of seeing "21 and Over," and I'm not even going to try. Because just like I'm pretty sure I've got the Makers of this crap pegged, I think I know the audience, too:  Twentysomethings who spend 2 hours trying to project themselves into the characters while privately wondering why their lives are Never Like This At All, and Fortysomethings who hope someone will notice them giving their "yep, I SO remember doing shit like that" looks.  They are both welcome to the experience.