Is Progressive Insurance it's own Alternate Universe, or what?

To sum up:

The way to show the world that you are your own person who makes his own decisions and doesn't "always do what you're told to do" is to attach a device to your automobile which allows Progressive Insurance to monitor your driving habits.

Makes sense to someone, somewhere, I guess.

Yes, you can commit a murder-suicide right here in the showroom. Thanks for asking, Jan!

Quick Quiz: Which of the two people who make up this thirty-second little nub of an ad is more repulsive?  Is it

A)  Jan, the Way Too Happy In Her Dead-End, Mind-Numbingly Dull Job to really be allowed to live another minute Toyota spokeschoad?  This woman is so pumped up with SOMETHING illegal that she not only doesn't mind that the idiot douchebag customer (more about her in a moment) won't even pay her the common courtesy of eye contact, but that hey, she's reached thirty and all she's got to show for that college degree is a job as a chirping little salesmonkey for Toyota, or

B)  This techno-addled dweeb who is actually pathetic enough to believe that because she's managed to hound and cross-reference 4700 people into clicking "Accept" on Facebook, this somehow means that she has 4700 friends?  My guess is that the only way this dribbling idiot managed to find her way to the showroom was with the turn-by-turn directions provided by her phone, and that she'll need to download some more directions to get her pathetic worthless ass from the Help Desk to whatever model of Toyota Jan, or her phone, picks out for her.

I have to go with "B," for the simple reason that it's pretty obvious Stupid Useless Phone Addict is going to keep her eyes glued to that screen when she's supposed to be doing other things- like watching the damn road while driving her new Toyota, for example.  Jan is annoying as hell, but she isn't going to sideswipe me or run over someone like the chirpy idiot will the next time she feels the need to update her Facebook status while changing lanes on I-95.

Leave it to McDonalds.....

...to create a completely unsnarkable commercial.

Seriously, I don't even know what this is.  I'm too stunned to even respond.  I'm only posting it here because maybe someone out there can explain it to me.

Or maybe I secretly hate my audience, and wanted to inflict this.....this....SOMETHING....on it.

Come on, John.  Try to come up with something else....

Ok, I've got it.  I bet you anything that within thirty days, at least half a dozen witless morons with iPhones will post "hilarious" takes on this Whatever It Is.  Because that's what YouTube is all about, and that's the country we've become.

Can I go now?

(BTW, this is my 1000 blog post!  And I was sure, back in January 2009, that I'd run out of commercials to rag on after a few months at most!  I will never again underestimate the ability of ad agencies to find the lowest common denominator, pry it up, and keep digging down.)

Cici's 24-foot monument to garbage

Seeing a new Cici's ad is like welcoming back an old friend.  It's been more than a year since I've picked on this particular feed bin, and it's good to see it's still alive and well in the land of Denny's, Golden Corral and the rest of the Eat Yourself To Death For Very Little Money slop troughs disguised as restaurants.

Notice how in all Cici's commercials it looks as though the place has just opened?  Everything is in pristine condition, the pizzas are perfectly lined up, clearly nothing has been touched.  The place is GLEAMING.  As if this is what Serve Yourself Until You Burst places look like after the first trip to the pizza line by the fat sock puppets in sweatpants.  Far more likely that the pizza slices are scattered everywhere, sauce has managed to make it to the sneeze guard, the "best" choices are long gone, and a tubby 12-year old is holding everyone up waiting for more cinnamon buns to be put out.

I wonder what has to be going through the heads of guys who would actually bring their families to places like this (other than "I want to ignore my mature metabolism and sense of taste and eat like I'm fourteen again.")  Check out this idiot- he looks downright paralyzed by the gorgeous sight of 24 feet of nutrition-deficient carbs, fat and salt.  Or maybe he's just never been the very first person to walk into Cici's after it opens, and had no idea that pizzas are supposed to be round and not covered with fingerprints, flipped upside down, or hanging halfway off the communal table.  I've never been to one of these places, but I can just imagine what this slop looks like after thirty or forty disgusting two-legged rodents who know they don't have to clean up after themselves get their hands on it.  It's not a pretty thought.

And I'm not even going to bother snarking on the quality one can expect of unlimited pizza, pasta and cinnamon rolls offered up at $5.  For Cici's to turn a profit, that pizza must be made of the cheapest junk available outside of an Upton Sinclair novel.  I know pasta is practically free ( I don't want to meet someone capable of consuming five dollars' worth at one sitting) and so are cinnamon buns- but cheese is kind of expensive, and so is meat.  The corners this place must cut to be so successful- makes me shudder to think about it.

The race to the bottom is dead even. And speaking of dead...

And no one- NO ONE- will be happier than me when these horrible ad campaigns are OVER.

Maybe Geico and Verizon could sue each other into oblivion for stealing each other's-- ummm-- "brilliant commercial concepts?"

Barring that, maybe an asteroid could slam into whatever part of Los Angeles these monstrosities were concocted in, killing everyone involved (and their children, just to be safe?)

Sorry- I still think Domino's menu is pretty scary

Let's see if I get this straight:

This woman is "afraid" to try anything from Domino's other than pizza.  Actually, this part I get- she has an aversion to subjecting her body to nasty, mass-produced garbage from a chain pizza joint.  I'm not sure I would call that "fear," though.  Maybe "common sense."

Domino's pizza delivery doofus is oddly fixated on the idea of convincing this woman to try something from Domino's other than pizza.  Is he sick of bringing pizza to this woman's apartment?  Does he hope for some level of fulfillment from bringing a pan of lukewarm pasta, or a sandwich, instead?  I don't get his motivation, but he's pretty determined, because...

Domino's pizza delivery doofus is willing to "do something that scares me" in exchange for this woman's willingness to get out of her "comfort zone" and take a bite out of a freaking sandwich.  That "something" doesn't involve trying the Available For a Limited Time Fish Bites from MacDonalds or anything that isn't on that "restaurant's" Dollar Menu- that would be too logical a fit, I guess.  Instead, he's required to go on some amusement park ride.  I don't get this- are we really supposed to equate eating a sandwich with being strapped to a chair and hurled through space (though personally, I'd find the two-hour wait to experience this 20-second ride more scary than the ride itself?)  Or is this little nub of dumb all about showing us a black kid screaming with terror with his eyes bugged out?

Deus ex (slow) machina!

1.  Nobody not in a MyCleanPC.com commercial would refer to their slow computer as being "dirty."  Unless the person is surfing for porn.  Then they might use the word "dirty," but it STILL would not be describing the slow performance of the computer.

2.  Nobody not in a MyCleanPC.com commercial would refer to their computer as a "PC."  I've never heard anyone call their computer anything but a Computer, a Desktop, or a Laptop.  PC?  Sorry, MyCleanPC.com, that "FinallyFast.com" and "DoubleMySpeed.com" were already taken- that doesn't mean that we are using the term "PC" to refer to our computers.

So this is basically the most contrived setup seen on the screen since Anakin asked Qui-Gon "I've been wondering, what are midi-chlorians?"*

*Though I must say, what I thought was ten minutes of pointless banter concerning the Epic Awesomeness of Pod-racing earlier in the film really delivered in cinematic payoff, didn't it? :>(