This guy ever finds a fly in his soup, he'll be spraying us with ammo from the nearest clock tower

My plan to deal with the first 400 times I was subjected to this commercial while innocently trying to relax and enjoy G4's 21 Nights of Bond was to just plain ignore it.  After all, it's just another really stupid ad for another really stupid, time-and-life-sucking video game* marketed to pathetic Not Quite Ready To Be Adult Males.**  Nothing we haven't all seen before.

But the 401st time this junk popped up on my screen, I finally decided I had enough of watching this moron deal with his really severe anger issues by taking out what seems to be 'roid rage on what I'm sure he's convinced himself are his actual "enemies" on tv.  I mean, just look at this deranged weirdo- he cuts himself shaving.  He breaks a shoelace.  Result? He really really really needs to spend the next several hours pretending to chop up aliens or terrorists or whatever in his basement.  Otherwise, he may have to kill someone for real, because, hey- he cut himself shaving and broke a shoelace! Who WOULDN'T snap?

(BTW, am I the only person out there who half-expected this guy to do a Bill Bixby and turn into the Incredible Hulk?  No, buddy, I probably wouldn't like you when you are angry.  I don't even like you during the 2 seconds of this commercial you are semi-sane.)

Maybe this latest piece of electronic crud is being marketed as Do it Yourself therapy.  I'd certainly rather see this jackass playing video games than beating on his girlfriend or going on a shooting spree because he cut himself shaving and broke a shoelace.  But wouldn't it be even better if a sinkhole just took out this guy's house, ridding the planet of absolutely nobody who will be missed by anybody?

*"Revengeance?"  Really?

**"Rated M for Mature?"  Where's the "maturity" here?

25 years? I give Leo two more, tops, with this idiot for a mom

Um....so exactly how long is Leo's "time out" going to last, anyway?  Until he's consumed all the drain cleaner under the sink?  Until he's sliced himself to pieces with every sharp object in Mommy's $10,000 kitchen?  Until he's mastered the gas stove and learned to heat up his own canned ravioli?  Until he's been noticed by a passing neighbor and has been rescued by Child Protective Services?

Or just until Mom's lover's lunch break is over and he has to get back to the office?  Seriously, who the hell wrote this ad?  This woman makes Elly Patterson look like Attentive Mother of the Year, for Christ's sake.  I think we all know who needed "time out" here.  Quick hint:  It wasn't Leo.  Just one more question: Where exactly did Mom go out TO?

Space Babies? SPACE BABIES??

"Yes, well that's because Jake's parents aren't frightened, pathetically juvenile morons with severe arrested development issues who think that sex is a scary mystery better kept under wraps until you are engaged to some nice Baptist girl your parents picked out for you, son."

Seriously, this is so disturbing and demented, I don't think I have enough room here to deal with it adequately.  This really is more of a job for The Editor at Pointless Planet.  I mean, I can deal with McDonalds, Cell Phones, and MOST car commercials, but this....this Celebration of Stupid is so horrid and lame, it really needs to be dissected by someone willing to deal with it frame by frame.  And that ain't me.

I'll just leave it with this observation: Chances are excellent that when The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round is over and Spawn of Nitwits has been dropped off at Sunday School, the parents of this poor kid will resolve to remove the evil secular influence of Jake and his Awful Going To Hell Any Moment Now Caregivers who have the gall to talk about Actual Non-Make Believe Biology within earshot of their precious Intentionally Ignorant About Dirty Things Like This Until Out of the House son.  These two alleged adults clearly have sticks so firmly shoved up their nether regions, it's hard to imagine how they ever managed to figure out the sex act in the first place.

Or maybe Dad actually believes his pathetically brain-numbing Space Babies story, because it helps him deal with the fact that his wife one day had a child, despite the fact that he has never, ever seen her naked.

Is Progressive Insurance it's own Alternate Universe, or what?

To sum up:

The way to show the world that you are your own person who makes his own decisions and doesn't "always do what you're told to do" is to attach a device to your automobile which allows Progressive Insurance to monitor your driving habits.

Makes sense to someone, somewhere, I guess.

Yes, you can commit a murder-suicide right here in the showroom. Thanks for asking, Jan!

Quick Quiz: Which of the two people who make up this thirty-second little nub of an ad is more repulsive?  Is it

A)  Jan, the Way Too Happy In Her Dead-End, Mind-Numbingly Dull Job to really be allowed to live another minute Toyota spokeschoad?  This woman is so pumped up with SOMETHING illegal that she not only doesn't mind that the idiot douchebag customer (more about her in a moment) won't even pay her the common courtesy of eye contact, but that hey, she's reached thirty and all she's got to show for that college degree is a job as a chirping little salesmonkey for Toyota, or

B)  This techno-addled dweeb who is actually pathetic enough to believe that because she's managed to hound and cross-reference 4700 people into clicking "Accept" on Facebook, this somehow means that she has 4700 friends?  My guess is that the only way this dribbling idiot managed to find her way to the showroom was with the turn-by-turn directions provided by her phone, and that she'll need to download some more directions to get her pathetic worthless ass from the Help Desk to whatever model of Toyota Jan, or her phone, picks out for her.

I have to go with "B," for the simple reason that it's pretty obvious Stupid Useless Phone Addict is going to keep her eyes glued to that screen when she's supposed to be doing other things- like watching the damn road while driving her new Toyota, for example.  Jan is annoying as hell, but she isn't going to sideswipe me or run over someone like the chirpy idiot will the next time she feels the need to update her Facebook status while changing lanes on I-95.

Leave it to McDonalds.....

...to create a completely unsnarkable commercial.

Seriously, I don't even know what this is.  I'm too stunned to even respond.  I'm only posting it here because maybe someone out there can explain it to me.

Or maybe I secretly hate my audience, and wanted to inflict this.....this....SOMETHING....on it.

Come on, John.  Try to come up with something else....

Ok, I've got it.  I bet you anything that within thirty days, at least half a dozen witless morons with iPhones will post "hilarious" takes on this Whatever It Is.  Because that's what YouTube is all about, and that's the country we've become.

Can I go now?

(BTW, this is my 1000 blog post!  And I was sure, back in January 2009, that I'd run out of commercials to rag on after a few months at most!  I will never again underestimate the ability of ad agencies to find the lowest common denominator, pry it up, and keep digging down.)

Cici's 24-foot monument to garbage

Seeing a new Cici's ad is like welcoming back an old friend.  It's been more than a year since I've picked on this particular feed bin, and it's good to see it's still alive and well in the land of Denny's, Golden Corral and the rest of the Eat Yourself To Death For Very Little Money slop troughs disguised as restaurants.

Notice how in all Cici's commercials it looks as though the place has just opened?  Everything is in pristine condition, the pizzas are perfectly lined up, clearly nothing has been touched.  The place is GLEAMING.  As if this is what Serve Yourself Until You Burst places look like after the first trip to the pizza line by the fat sock puppets in sweatpants.  Far more likely that the pizza slices are scattered everywhere, sauce has managed to make it to the sneeze guard, the "best" choices are long gone, and a tubby 12-year old is holding everyone up waiting for more cinnamon buns to be put out.

I wonder what has to be going through the heads of guys who would actually bring their families to places like this (other than "I want to ignore my mature metabolism and sense of taste and eat like I'm fourteen again.")  Check out this idiot- he looks downright paralyzed by the gorgeous sight of 24 feet of nutrition-deficient carbs, fat and salt.  Or maybe he's just never been the very first person to walk into Cici's after it opens, and had no idea that pizzas are supposed to be round and not covered with fingerprints, flipped upside down, or hanging halfway off the communal table.  I've never been to one of these places, but I can just imagine what this slop looks like after thirty or forty disgusting two-legged rodents who know they don't have to clean up after themselves get their hands on it.  It's not a pretty thought.

And I'm not even going to bother snarking on the quality one can expect of unlimited pizza, pasta and cinnamon rolls offered up at $5.  For Cici's to turn a profit, that pizza must be made of the cheapest junk available outside of an Upton Sinclair novel.  I know pasta is practically free ( I don't want to meet someone capable of consuming five dollars' worth at one sitting) and so are cinnamon buns- but cheese is kind of expensive, and so is meat.  The corners this place must cut to be so successful- makes me shudder to think about it.