Technology that keeps you a child. That's pathetic.

Groan.

I guess we are supposed to think that these two brothers never, ever stopped picking on each other, all through childhood, and the "got you" game, which ends for most us long before we even finish High School,  for them continued into adulthood.

To the point where they are trying to "get" each other through a video game, which one of them is playing during a Very Important Meeting with Corporate.  In other words, while he's supposed to be doing the work he's being paid to perform.  (While the other brother, cleverly displaying contrast by sitting on a front stoop in another time zone with scruffy hair and a beard, seems totally oblivious to the fact that his sibling has a career which kind of expects him to put away the toys and the dumb rivalry during office hours.)

This is all supposed to be cute and funny and a reason to buy Verizon or whatever the hell is being pitched to us here.  All I see is "buy this, because you are still an infant, and are being allowed to remain so thanks to our technology.  Moron."

Pass.

These ads have me hopping for the remote, that's for sure

You know what the most disgusting thing about this repulsive little nub of an ad is?

No, it's not fat slobs who would apparently be just fine if their legs no longer functioned at all anymore.  It's not the fact that they are yelling at each other all throughout the house, despite the fact that this is truly obnoxious behavior even for normal people, which they most definitely are NOT.  And no, it's not even the scene with old moron watching television while reclining on the toilet (remember when George Costanza was forced to buy a book because he brought it into the restroom?  This pig's tablet should be declared a toxic waste site.  But who am I kidding- this whole damn HOUSE should be declared a toxic waste site.)

Here's the really grotesque, awful, unforgivably demented fact about this commercial:  If they edited out the guy on the toilet, it would still be just about the most awful thing any of us have ever seen on television, and the best reason possible to refuse to buy this "service" on principle. It would just be a few seconds shorter. I  mean, seriously.  Why would anyone want to contribute to the wallets of the fungus who thought this was a good way to sell their product?

Why do we keep seeing ads like this?

Because apparently, America simply cannot get enough of obnoxious kids relentlessly asking stupid questions of adults.  Or of adults responding to these stupid kids with even dumber answers.

Personally, I'd rather see doofus dumbass dad just answer the fricking questions with actual answers- "why does the door close by itself, and why do the mirrors turn in like that?"  "Because Daddy is a sucker for stupid gadgets, and the salesman said he'd show really well for the neighbors if his crap came with his car."

"Why is my butt hot?"  "I just answered that question.  Because Daddy got talked into paying extra for a ridiculous gimmick gadget he would have snarked at when he was younger.  I mean, seat warmers? Please."

"And oh by the way, stop kicking the freaking button before you break it, idiot."

So simple.  When I was married, my wife noted that it was a real crime that we never had children, because they would have been gorgeous.  They also would have been very well-behaved, and much smarter and easier to bear than any of these hideous little monsters we see on tv.  Because after all, besides being amazingly good-looking, we were also the kind of people who had this odd habit of responding to questions with answers that did not insult the questioner.  Oh well- the world's loss.  Unfortunately, there are plenty of dim-bulb, ugly morons who simply can't STOP producing jackasses like this kid.

Yep, a real crime.

Free advice for the other elephant in this Spiriva ad

Here's something else that can feel like having an elephant on your chest- carrying around an extra hundred pounds or so.

Maybe what this woman needs is a more rigorous line of work.  Seems her current job involves walking sloooowwlly around an office carrying a clipboard, nodding and waving at her fellow minions, and daydreaming about her next trip to the Wendy's drive thru during sales meetings (gee, it would be awful if her tongue swelled during lunch, preventing her from getting that new fish sandwich down!)  For a change of pace, she occasionally hauls her fat butt outside to sit in the sun with a magazine.  That's about it.

I'm sure Spiriva is great for her OCD or OLD or FAT or whatever the hell this latest miracle pill is supposed to cure-- or rather, supposed to lessen the symptoms of-- or rather, replace the symptoms of with another set of symptoms.  I just wonder why, if this drug opens this woman's airwaves for 24 whole hours, she doesn't use that period of free breathing to better effect.  Like, to take a long walk at speeds above 1 MPH.  Or visit a gym.  Or revisit her Blame Shortness Of Breath On Some Disease Other Than Morbid Obesity plan. Because from this ad, I don't even get WHY this woman wants to breathe easier.  I don't see anything going on in her life that requires a whole lot of oxygen.

God of War: Pretension

Yep, it takes a high level of....umm..."Maturity"...to really get into this type of video game.

Meanwhile, the people who make these commercials must be failed Hollywood directors.  Poor Ed Wood, he was just born fifty years too early, I guess.

Silver Lining:  The dateless geeks who enjoy wasting their lives on this junk aren't crowding up the beltway during rush hour or standing in line ahead of me at the checkout counter.

Cloud: They are probably putting a bigger strain on the Power Grid than the average three Non-"Gamers."

Another Silver Lining:  Sooner or later, the springs on the couch have to give way under the strain of the expanding waistlines of the brain-dead twerps who are at Wal Mart five minutes after this game has been released.    I wish I could be there when that happens- and ONLY when that happens.

AMC should hold an online "Choose a New Name for this Network" contest. My suggestion: Your Place for Brain-dead Junk

I'm pretty sure that if KFC stopped serving chicken and instead switched to pizzas and burgers, they wouldn't keep the name "KFC."

I'm quite certain that if USAirways stopped charging bags almost as much as people to fly from one part of the country to another and started marketing Miracle Sunglasses instead, they wouldn't keep operating under the name "USAirways."

I think it's a pretty good guess that if Rent A Center stopped preying off of the population of people with lousy credit by leasing junk furniture and computers at high-end prices and instead opened a series of soup kitchens, they'd stop using "Rent A Center."

So can someone explain to me why a channel which puts most of it's budget into bottom-feeder television like Immortalized, Freak Show, Comic Book Men  and The Walking Dead (not to mention endless showings of explicitly Not-Classic films like Predator 2, The Transporter and Shanghai Noon) when not treating it's audience to CSI: Miami marathons continues to call itself American Movie Classics?  Talk about Exhibit A in the Case for Truth in Advertising Laws.

(Exhibit B: The "History" Channel, which features shows about as closely related to history as.....AMC's shows are related to classic films.)

Amazon's "might as well buy two, you are going to break one very quickly" ad campaign

I've posted before on Amazon's annoying series of "People being really stupid with their Kindles" commercials, but this one deserves it's own blog entry.

I got my Kindle almost three years ago.  I take it with me everywhere.  Usually it's in a protective faux-leather case which will prevent the screen from getting scratched and will offer some protection if it's broken, but won't save it if it falls into a puddle (let alone a pool, or an ocean.)  When I take it to the beach, it's in a special hard plastic shell case with rubber stoppers protecting the on/off button and power port.*

Ads like this actually make me cringe.  Anyone dumb enough to just stroll around a beach, sit in a pool, etc. holding a Kindle is either too stupid to be trusted with electronics, or wealthy enough to simply not care if they drop it and it's instantly ruined.  And yet, I can see people bringing their Kindles to the beach or the pool based on these ads, having an accident, and then getting a "sorry, that damage is not covered" lecture from the helpful person on the other end of the phone when Amazon is called.  When the distraught customer complains that ads like this strongly imply that Kindles and Water mix just fine, perhaps the operator replies with something like "you were really supposed to be enjoying the hot blonde in the bikini,** not imagining that these are safe places to use the Kindle.  I mean, they are thin, fragile ELECTRONIC DEVICES, stupid!"

I must say, I have very little sympathy for anyone who does get their Kindle scratched by sand or waterlogged (or sat on when you forget it's in your back pocket, moron) because they treated it like this way.  Such people just can't have nice things.

*More often than not, when I take it to the beach, it stays back at the beach house.  Because hard shell case or no, I really can't afford to be replacing my Kindle because a rogue wave (or can of soda) decided to take it out.  But that's just me.

**She IS quite easy on the eyes (does she really think that guys keep "accidentally" hitting her with beach balls and bumping into her?) and at least she isn't doing what 99 percent of girls I see walking on the beach are always doing- squinting at her cell phone.  I saw one of those idiots drop her phone in the surf once.  Made my whole summer.