Expedia? Conservative, Liberal, Whatever. Just stop assaulting my eardrums with this crap

Donja (?) is a "pretty Conservative girl."  We know this because she tells us so.  Three seconds later, I guess we are supposed to be astonished that this girl we thought was Conservative (because she told us so) is taking a zip line through the jungle.  What? we ask.  We thought she was Conservative!  Since when does "Conservative" and "Zip Line" mix?  Stop the insanity!

Donja then distracts us from trying to figure out whatever the hell is it that this commercial is supposed to be trying to sell us by screaming endlessly as she goes down the zip line.  In this, she is behaving like every other person I've ever seen in a commercial featuring a zip line.  Making me wonder- if you are going to spend the entire time screaming, why don't you save a lot of money by just riding on a rollercoaster?

I want to try a zip line someday.  It looks like fun.  I can promise you this, though- I won't be wasting the experience yelling like a freaking idiot, no matter how long it lasts.  Not because I'm a Liberal.  Certainly not because I'm a Conservative.  Because I'm not a freaking moron who likes to hear myself scream.  I'm pretty sure I'll be busy taking in the view and just enjoying the ride.  Too busy to scream, even I wanted to.  But I won't want to.

Phillips brings us another episode of "Anything for a Paycheck"

Enjoy your stupid, disgusting little gig while you can, lady.  Read your chirpy lines and keep a straight face as you repeatedly interrupt the lives of people everywhere with your "hey, got constipation?" rants.  Collect your dismal paycheck as soon as filming is over, then go home to memorize the script for your next appearance.

But don't kid yourself into thinking that what is happening to you isn't the very definition of type-casting.  If you ever dreamed of being a serious actress, that dream is now over, and was probably over when you agreed to be The Phillips Lady for the third or fourth time.  For the rest of your life, you are going to be That Woman Who Used To Be Obsessed With Other People's Digestion Issues on TV.  Maybe you'll get another gig here and there, but no matter how well you nail that Lifetime TV role, you are always and forever, The Phillips Lady.

And a few years from now, when you are sitting up against a dumpster in Hollywood with a "Will Act For Food" cardboard sign on your lap, you'll realize just how much those commercials cost you.  I suggest you talk it out with the people sitting there next to you, with their own cardboard signs- Flo and that pretty girl from the T-Mobile ads, who got tossed aside the moment her looks began to fade and she could no longer fit into those skin-tight dresses and leather the Suits insisted she wear.  They'll understand.

Never mind a V8- I'm sure this guy coulda found a much better person to spend his life with

It's not just that this woman keeps hitting her husband (the caption says "Husband and Wife," though I must say this looks a lot more like Abusive Controlling Girlfriend and Boyfriend With Severe Self-Esteem Issues than Husband and Wife,) on the head whenever he eats something other than vegetables.  It's really more the very satisfied look on her face while she does it.

This woman isn't disgusted at her guy's dietary choices (he seems to be living his life according to the Atkin's playbook- I don't recommend it, but jeesh, it IS his life, isn't it?)  She seems to look forward to being there when they are exhibited, so she can engage in her favorite hobby- whacking him on the head to cartoon sound effects.

And the guy doesn't seem to mind either- "I don't care how many times you do that, I don't like V8 juice."  (Sidebar here:  Is drinking V8 juice really what this woman wants the guy to do?  She doesn't care if he gets absolutely no soluble fiber in his diet, as long as he consumes some vitamins now and then?  Considering that she's eating all these greens, you'd think she'd recognize that V8 juice is just an adult version of Pediasure- something that spoiled idiots guzzle down because ewwww actual veggies are so yucky and gross and Not-Meat.)  He also seems to be saying "I don't care how many times you do that, I'm not going to walk away or even suggest that if you do it one more time, thinking it's cute, funny or in any way appropriate, this marriage is over."  He's perfectly willing to be disciplined by MommyWife if it means he can keep stuffing his colon with yummy dead animals swimming in their own grease.  Personally, I don't think she's anywhere near cute enough to tolerate, but to each his own....

Oh, and I'd like to echo what a few YouTube posters have mentioned in the comments section (this rarely happens.)   Can you imagine if these two people switched places, and the ad featured a man repeatedly hitting a woman because he doesn't approve of her eating habits?  Me Neither.  But guys being slapped around by women is still seen as somehow innocent, harmless fun in TV Land.  Go figure.

You first, Shaq

Tell you what- I'll "Man Up" and start using your moisturizer right after you "Man Up" and stop using a 25-year old body double in these stupid ads.

Who the hell do you think you're fooling here?

Technology that keeps you a child. That's pathetic.

Groan.

I guess we are supposed to think that these two brothers never, ever stopped picking on each other, all through childhood, and the "got you" game, which ends for most us long before we even finish High School,  for them continued into adulthood.

To the point where they are trying to "get" each other through a video game, which one of them is playing during a Very Important Meeting with Corporate.  In other words, while he's supposed to be doing the work he's being paid to perform.  (While the other brother, cleverly displaying contrast by sitting on a front stoop in another time zone with scruffy hair and a beard, seems totally oblivious to the fact that his sibling has a career which kind of expects him to put away the toys and the dumb rivalry during office hours.)

This is all supposed to be cute and funny and a reason to buy Verizon or whatever the hell is being pitched to us here.  All I see is "buy this, because you are still an infant, and are being allowed to remain so thanks to our technology.  Moron."

Pass.

These ads have me hopping for the remote, that's for sure

You know what the most disgusting thing about this repulsive little nub of an ad is?

No, it's not fat slobs who would apparently be just fine if their legs no longer functioned at all anymore.  It's not the fact that they are yelling at each other all throughout the house, despite the fact that this is truly obnoxious behavior even for normal people, which they most definitely are NOT.  And no, it's not even the scene with old moron watching television while reclining on the toilet (remember when George Costanza was forced to buy a book because he brought it into the restroom?  This pig's tablet should be declared a toxic waste site.  But who am I kidding- this whole damn HOUSE should be declared a toxic waste site.)

Here's the really grotesque, awful, unforgivably demented fact about this commercial:  If they edited out the guy on the toilet, it would still be just about the most awful thing any of us have ever seen on television, and the best reason possible to refuse to buy this "service" on principle. It would just be a few seconds shorter. I  mean, seriously.  Why would anyone want to contribute to the wallets of the fungus who thought this was a good way to sell their product?

Why do we keep seeing ads like this?

Because apparently, America simply cannot get enough of obnoxious kids relentlessly asking stupid questions of adults.  Or of adults responding to these stupid kids with even dumber answers.

Personally, I'd rather see doofus dumbass dad just answer the fricking questions with actual answers- "why does the door close by itself, and why do the mirrors turn in like that?"  "Because Daddy is a sucker for stupid gadgets, and the salesman said he'd show really well for the neighbors if his crap came with his car."

"Why is my butt hot?"  "I just answered that question.  Because Daddy got talked into paying extra for a ridiculous gimmick gadget he would have snarked at when he was younger.  I mean, seat warmers? Please."

"And oh by the way, stop kicking the freaking button before you break it, idiot."

So simple.  When I was married, my wife noted that it was a real crime that we never had children, because they would have been gorgeous.  They also would have been very well-behaved, and much smarter and easier to bear than any of these hideous little monsters we see on tv.  Because after all, besides being amazingly good-looking, we were also the kind of people who had this odd habit of responding to questions with answers that did not insult the questioner.  Oh well- the world's loss.  Unfortunately, there are plenty of dim-bulb, ugly morons who simply can't STOP producing jackasses like this kid.

Yep, a real crime.