Pets, Pet Owners, and Luxury Dog Food. It's Just another day in My Blue World*

So much to hate here!

1.  Idiot extras in the background of a park setting, playing catch while standing MAYBE five feet apart.  Yeah, that's realistic.

2.  Dumbest Name for a Product Ever.  "Blue Buffalo?"  What the hell does that even mean?  The food isn't blue.  It isn't made from buffalo (is it?)  I mean, WTF?

3.  Most disgustingly cloying, stupid, self-satisfied pet-obsessed weirdos on the planet, blathering on and on about how their lives found meaning the moment they found the bestest ever food and the ONLY food good enough for their little pumpkin treasure honeys.  No more standard dog food which is just fine for 99.99 percent of the lesser pets out there for MY pwecious wittle shmuggums mommy loves you so much yes she DOES!

4.  The real food that goes into making this Buy This So Everyone Can See Your Dog Is Better Than Theirs And You Have More Money Than They Do crap- chicken.  fruit.  Corn?  That's for lesser animals, like people!  My doggie needs meat and fruit!  Corn?  CORN? What do you think he is, a human living in a third-world country?  My dog has greater needs than THAT!

And most loathsome of all- the woman who tells us that her dog isn't a pet, he's "her other boy- a member of the family"- while her son is standing right there.  Truly, the only thing in this universe more repulsive than someone who abuses animals is someone who puts their pets on the same level of importance as their kids. This woman's son must feel uber-special right now.  He should consider himself lucky there was never a serious house fire when he was a small child and this dog was a puppy- after all, his Mom would have had to make an important decision on who to save, right?

*Electric Light Orchestra- Turn to Stone

These Questions, like this date, sponsored by Bud Lite

Here We Go (sorry:)

1.  Why are these people speaking in subdued tones, even though it's clear they are in a fairly busy restaurant-tavern?  Seriously, this woman sounds like she's OD'ing on Valium.  If she's this bored THIS early in the date, Mr. "and that's why I can never go back to Cleveland" should just bail right now.

2.  Why is their chosen First Topic Of Conversation (that the date has just gotten started is pretty obvious) a discussion of their online profiles?  I mean, after the "gee, usually people look good online and then it's like Dog City when you meet them in real life, but I can actually see tolerating your face for two straight hours," what else is there?

3.  When the girl says "those are my friends over there- they came along just in case this became a train wreck," don't you really want one of two things to happen?--

A)  The guy says "what exactly would a "train wreck" of a date look like?  You mean, if I don't keep you constantly entertained with witticisms, or order the wrong food, or suggest that we go Dutch Treat, or what?"

B)  The guy says "I see....hey, the brunette looks really cute.  She's your friend?  Could you introduce us?"

4.  When the guy says "actually, those are MY friends over there, trying to hit on YOUR friends," don't you want one of two things to happen?--

A)  The girl says "Ugh, really?  You brought your friends along to spy on our date?  So they have absolutely no lives, huh?  And do they have girlfriends they are attempting to cheat on, or are they as socially isolated and pathetic as you are?"

B)  The girl says "Ugh, really?  You are so insecure you had to have your boyfriends come along on a date with you? What's the matter, your mom wasn't available?"

5.  Can we all agree that these two belong together, and we really hope they die before they have a chance to breed, the moment they decide to start the date by bleating Bud Lite's lame, played, and NEVER POPULAR tag line?  I mean, what does "Here We Go" even mean in this context other than "Here We Go, start the clock, strap in, and let's begin ninety minutes of uncomfortable muttering and pregnant pauses.  After all, we've already run out of things to say, considering that we launched the evening with awkward small talk concerning our online profiles and weird friends."

Expedia? Conservative, Liberal, Whatever. Just stop assaulting my eardrums with this crap

Donja (?) is a "pretty Conservative girl."  We know this because she tells us so.  Three seconds later, I guess we are supposed to be astonished that this girl we thought was Conservative (because she told us so) is taking a zip line through the jungle.  What? we ask.  We thought she was Conservative!  Since when does "Conservative" and "Zip Line" mix?  Stop the insanity!

Donja then distracts us from trying to figure out whatever the hell is it that this commercial is supposed to be trying to sell us by screaming endlessly as she goes down the zip line.  In this, she is behaving like every other person I've ever seen in a commercial featuring a zip line.  Making me wonder- if you are going to spend the entire time screaming, why don't you save a lot of money by just riding on a rollercoaster?

I want to try a zip line someday.  It looks like fun.  I can promise you this, though- I won't be wasting the experience yelling like a freaking idiot, no matter how long it lasts.  Not because I'm a Liberal.  Certainly not because I'm a Conservative.  Because I'm not a freaking moron who likes to hear myself scream.  I'm pretty sure I'll be busy taking in the view and just enjoying the ride.  Too busy to scream, even I wanted to.  But I won't want to.

Phillips brings us another episode of "Anything for a Paycheck"

Enjoy your stupid, disgusting little gig while you can, lady.  Read your chirpy lines and keep a straight face as you repeatedly interrupt the lives of people everywhere with your "hey, got constipation?" rants.  Collect your dismal paycheck as soon as filming is over, then go home to memorize the script for your next appearance.

But don't kid yourself into thinking that what is happening to you isn't the very definition of type-casting.  If you ever dreamed of being a serious actress, that dream is now over, and was probably over when you agreed to be The Phillips Lady for the third or fourth time.  For the rest of your life, you are going to be That Woman Who Used To Be Obsessed With Other People's Digestion Issues on TV.  Maybe you'll get another gig here and there, but no matter how well you nail that Lifetime TV role, you are always and forever, The Phillips Lady.

And a few years from now, when you are sitting up against a dumpster in Hollywood with a "Will Act For Food" cardboard sign on your lap, you'll realize just how much those commercials cost you.  I suggest you talk it out with the people sitting there next to you, with their own cardboard signs- Flo and that pretty girl from the T-Mobile ads, who got tossed aside the moment her looks began to fade and she could no longer fit into those skin-tight dresses and leather the Suits insisted she wear.  They'll understand.

Never mind a V8- I'm sure this guy coulda found a much better person to spend his life with

It's not just that this woman keeps hitting her husband (the caption says "Husband and Wife," though I must say this looks a lot more like Abusive Controlling Girlfriend and Boyfriend With Severe Self-Esteem Issues than Husband and Wife,) on the head whenever he eats something other than vegetables.  It's really more the very satisfied look on her face while she does it.

This woman isn't disgusted at her guy's dietary choices (he seems to be living his life according to the Atkin's playbook- I don't recommend it, but jeesh, it IS his life, isn't it?)  She seems to look forward to being there when they are exhibited, so she can engage in her favorite hobby- whacking him on the head to cartoon sound effects.

And the guy doesn't seem to mind either- "I don't care how many times you do that, I don't like V8 juice."  (Sidebar here:  Is drinking V8 juice really what this woman wants the guy to do?  She doesn't care if he gets absolutely no soluble fiber in his diet, as long as he consumes some vitamins now and then?  Considering that she's eating all these greens, you'd think she'd recognize that V8 juice is just an adult version of Pediasure- something that spoiled idiots guzzle down because ewwww actual veggies are so yucky and gross and Not-Meat.)  He also seems to be saying "I don't care how many times you do that, I'm not going to walk away or even suggest that if you do it one more time, thinking it's cute, funny or in any way appropriate, this marriage is over."  He's perfectly willing to be disciplined by MommyWife if it means he can keep stuffing his colon with yummy dead animals swimming in their own grease.  Personally, I don't think she's anywhere near cute enough to tolerate, but to each his own....

Oh, and I'd like to echo what a few YouTube posters have mentioned in the comments section (this rarely happens.)   Can you imagine if these two people switched places, and the ad featured a man repeatedly hitting a woman because he doesn't approve of her eating habits?  Me Neither.  But guys being slapped around by women is still seen as somehow innocent, harmless fun in TV Land.  Go figure.

You first, Shaq

Tell you what- I'll "Man Up" and start using your moisturizer right after you "Man Up" and stop using a 25-year old body double in these stupid ads.

Who the hell do you think you're fooling here?

Technology that keeps you a child. That's pathetic.

Groan.

I guess we are supposed to think that these two brothers never, ever stopped picking on each other, all through childhood, and the "got you" game, which ends for most us long before we even finish High School,  for them continued into adulthood.

To the point where they are trying to "get" each other through a video game, which one of them is playing during a Very Important Meeting with Corporate.  In other words, while he's supposed to be doing the work he's being paid to perform.  (While the other brother, cleverly displaying contrast by sitting on a front stoop in another time zone with scruffy hair and a beard, seems totally oblivious to the fact that his sibling has a career which kind of expects him to put away the toys and the dumb rivalry during office hours.)

This is all supposed to be cute and funny and a reason to buy Verizon or whatever the hell is being pitched to us here.  All I see is "buy this, because you are still an infant, and are being allowed to remain so thanks to our technology.  Moron."

Pass.