Gerber's presents: The joy of single motherhood. Gag.

Pardon my prudishness, but it seems to me that if the Mommy here really wanted her baby to be "covered," she wouldn't have set herself up to be a single mom.

Now of course, we don't have the back story.  Maybe the sperm donor skipped town.  Maybe he died.  Maybe his wife wouldn't grant him a divorce.  But this woman looks waaaaayyyy too happy about being on her own with a brand new baby, and I get a very strong vibe that this was what was planned all along.

And if that is in fact the case, I really don't see how a $10,000 life insurance policy is going to reassure a baby who is going to be raised by day cares and babysitters while mommy is off making money to make ends meet.

"Hey, wait a minute, John- you are assuming an awful lot here.  Maybe she's independently wealthy, and she plans to live on that wealth while staying home and raising her child."  Ok- but if that's the case, why is she so giddy about purchasing a miserably inadequate $10,000 life insurance policy for that kid?  I mean, jeesh- $10,000 covers about four months in the life of the average American adult in 2013.

My guess is that the vast majority of Single Moms are a lot more interested in finding low-cost day care and a decent, rent-paying job than in waxing poetic about an insurance policy provided by a company specializing in crushed carrot mush sold in tiny glass jars.  But that's just my take.  This woman sure makes single mommyhood look inviting, doesn't she?  I must say, Gerber's certainly chooses the strangest things to endorse.

Another very tiny violin for the customers of US Tax (Cheat) Shield

Let's just take this line by line, shall we?

"The IRS said I owed them thousands of dollars..."

Translation:  "The IRS finally caught up with my years and years of cheating, and showed me exactly how much I owed, and why.  But by using the passive 'the IRS said,' I can fish for sympathy from people who regularly pay their fair share and might not be automatically inclined to feel sorry for a scofflaw like myself.  And just to up the sympathy ante, I use the word them to describe the IRS, hoping you don't realize that in this context, them means an organization created to ensure that people like me don't get away with coasting on the contributions of people like you."

"even though I felt I had done the right thing.."

Translation:  "My feeling was that I had paid enough, and this should trump my knowledge that I was cutting corners, failing to file, and doing all those things you losers who ask 'how high' when the gummint says 'jump!' Because I believe in Liberty, unlike you sheep."

"they put a lean on my house...."

Yes, because when you buy a house with money gained from not paying your taxes, that's the same as making every taxpayer contribute to the buying of that house.  You don't get that? Well, what do I expect from a tax cheat who wants sympathy from non-tax cheats?

"They even went after our daughter's college savings account..."

See above.  If you cheat on your taxes, everything you spent money on INSTEAD of your taxes is an illegitimate purchase which SHOULD be seized by the government.  Most adults KNOW that if you refuse to pay your monthly rent and instead use that dough to buy big-screen televisions, you can't expect your landlord to just shrug and look the other way for very long.  If you take out a mortgage and then fail to pay it, preferring to put your money into European vacations or college funds, don't whine to me when the bank takes that house back or tells Suzy that she doesn't get to go to college on ill-gotten cash squirreled away by her idiot, irresponsible parents.  Seriously, what is the matter with you people?

"Then a friend- she told me about US Tax Shield."

Translation:  "I have a friend who is either A) a fellow tax cheat who managed to beat the system, or B) a devotee of late-night television who has also repeatedly encouraged me to learn how to flip houses from my laptop, buy Miracle Eagle Eyes sunglasses and Sham-Wows by the truckload, and put the money I am stealing from society by not paying my taxes into gold coins."

Here's an idea, potential customers of US Tax Shield:  If you are in trouble because you haven't been paying taxes, or you screwed up and underpaid several years in a row, contact a local tax attorney not associated with Liberty Tax for advice.  She will inform you that the Evil Horrible Blood-Sucking IRS is usually very open to cutting a deal with you, and there's no reason you need to be gouged by a middle man like US Tax Shield or TaxMasters or any of these other bottom-feeding scumbags.   I've never had any problems with the IRS, yet I know this.  Maybe because I don't get financial advice from late-night television commercials.  And there's another good idea:  Don't take financial advice from late-night television commercials.  Sure, the "get away with it" message is more attractive, but a few minutes of research on Ripoffreport.com (one of my favorite websites) will show you what a mirage it really is.

Northrup-Grumman: Efficient, Reliable Killing for more than half a century

"What do ethics have to do with building machines that blow off the body parts of Afghan children with the push of a button (the push of a button being made by some guy sitting in an office on the other side of the planet?"

"What do Values have to do with laser-guided Predator Drones, which would be considered the preferred tools of terrorists if the people we label terrorists could afford them. (Of course, if terrorists could afford them, and did use them, we'd use that use as an example of why they are terrorists.) And if the USA didn't use them?"

"What does Integrity have to do with hiring lobbyists, contributing to congressional campaigns, and buying off ex-military to serve as spokesmen against even considering touching military spending when it comes to tackling the budget deficit?"

What does a company like Northrup-Grummond have to do with ethics, values and integrity?  Absolutely nothing.  What importance does it place on money, power and the ability to deliver quick death to anyone the White House deems an "enemy?"  Everything.

If you've run out of Ipecac.....

Commercial # 1:  MommyWife continues to put her MRS degree to work.  Yeah, I really regret not having a  whole batch of these things.  MommyWife doesn't, of course:  Her whole life (ending when she reached 22 or so) was all about snagging a guy wealthy enough to Provide All This:  a house, a new last name, and a new kid showing up pretty much regularly every other year or so.  And finding some sick, bizarre delight in cleaning up after your little offspring's "accidents" (is she even going to explain to the dunce why it wasn't a great idea to be carrying around his toilet like that?  Probably not- why spare herself the next Precious Moment?)

Ever want anything other than to be a simpering, eternally and pathetically grateful little handmaiden,  MommyWife?  Meh, I doubt it.  And if you did, I'm pretty sure that there's a powerful chemical added to Clorox, Lysol and Bounty Paper Towels* which kills the sensation that hmmmm.....isn't there supposed to be more than this? (*Maybe Brain Bleach?)

NO, there ISN'T.  Shouldn't you be getting along with your cleaning, shopping, and swimming practice?

Commercial #2:  Should come with the same warning as the first:  This Ad May Be Used To Induce Vomiting.  Seriously, I have no idea what this is supposed to be, and I sure as hell don't see how this is in any way an ad for faster connectivity.  NO connectivity, perhaps, but not faster connectivity.

The horrifying real meaning of that "Why Not" from Geico

Wow, it sure didn't take the geniuses at television's most ubiquitous insurance company long to run out of ideas for its horrid "Happier than..." campaign, did it?

Know what the "why not" response to "Happier than Paul Revere with a cell phone" (gag) means?  It means "I don't really give a damn what the punchline is.  It simply doesn't matter.  Might as well be 'toadstools' or 'sliced cucumbers' or 'shut up, that's why!'"   Hell, why not just make it "Beef Stew Saturday?"  Who cares?  Just vomit out something so we can wrap episode #5634 of the stupidest series of commercials since the end of Punch Dub Days."

"Why not?"  Because we hate you, that's why.  Now, stop making us miss the f--ing lizard and end this mess already.  Please.

Because if you think the emotional stress connected to bed-wetting is bad NOW....

I think it's nice that MommyWife gets her accident-prone son to help spread the Sham Wow for Bed-Wetters out on the God Damn It Last Mattress We Are Buying This Year I Don't Care How Bad It Smells, and I know she doesn't care to have me point out that there are medications for her son's---Umm, issues- not to mention therapies, and this is kind of a large, super-absorbing band aid on what might be a bigger problem, but still.....

Here's just a little bit of advice, from a non-parent to all you parents out there:  If you have a kid who is a bed-wetter, and you try this item, and it works, at least do your kids a favor and resist the temptation to "like" it on Facebook.

Denny's presents "Baconalia." Only in America. Thank God.

I guess it makes sense that the "good old days" for these guys is "this morning," because it's not like either is going to be sitting on a rocking chair at the old folks home forty years from now.  In fact, if they are serious about eating Every. Freaking. Meal. at Denny's, neither of these guys is going to see forty.

This is what we've come to in this country:  A series of commercials which celebrates the consumption of fried slices of pig fat.  And not only that- celebrates the consumption of fried slices of pig fat several times a day. Not to mention a company which thinks that the best way to sell a sandwich called "The Baconator" is to feature two disgusting fat slobs waxing poetic about how important it is to their happiness while consuming it.*  Ugh.

*Hey, guys?  Do you have a gun for your murder-suicide, or would you like to borrow mine?  Just trying to help.  Because, seriously- there are faster, less painful ways to die than this.