Wipe New?

I'm going to focus my entire post on just a few seconds of this hilarious Miracle Product ad.  If you want to follow along, jump to the 32-second point.

Here we have a guy who claims to have spent decades as a "Professional Car Detailer."  He tells us that with this new product, "now I don't just clean the car, I actually restore it."  Um, what?  So for decades, he was ripping off customers who wanted their cars detailed by merely cleaning them?  That's what he's saying.

Also- "this is the most revolutionary product I've ever used."  I notice he doesn't use the word "effective," and I'm not absolutely sure that "revolutionary" implies "effective."  But if this guy actually took his career of detailing cars seriously (I think we just learned that he didn't) you'd think he would have come across a lot of legitimate products that actually did restore cars to an earlier appearance.

But if all he did was wash cars while charging detailing prices, I guess this stuff does look revolutionary to him- "hey, there was an even easier way to get their money!"  Have to wonder why he'd want anyone else to know about it, though.

Kmart- if this is the beginning of a series, please, just kill me now

Sigh.

Really?

And to the YouTubers who think that this is the Bestest Most Awesomest commercial ever:

Sigh.

Really?

I suppose that very recently,  Kmart would have rejected this commercial because after all, only eight-year old boys raised in trailer parks in Kentucky would find this even remotely amusing, and they don't do a whole lot of shopping (but when they DO shop, they shop at stores ending in the letters "mart.")  But in 2013, pretty much all ads are geared toward people with the mentality (using that term loosely) of fifth-graders who are raising themselves while Mommy and Daddy are off trying to hustle a few dollars out of our permanently-in-the-dumps economy.  So while this is really pushing the envelope, it doesn't shock me like it might have a few years back.

Besides, have you seen Kmart's earnings reports lately?  Times are tough, even for Big Box Full of Chinese Junk stores.  I suppose that if this transparent bag of feces* attracts 1% more people than it repels, it's worth a shot.  And Kmart doesn't have to worry about offending me- I wouldn't be caught dead in one of their glorified, oversized, overpriced Dollar Stores regardless of the ads they produce.

*It's been a lovely weekend, and I've spent most of it on urban hikes.  I can't believe how many disgusting pet owners use transparent bags to pick up after their dogs.  What the hell is the matter with you people?

Another point of personal privilege; RE: YouTube

For a site which is essential to the success of my blog, I sure do give YouTube a lot of grief here. To be fair though it's not YouTube I snark at so much as YouTube devotees, who seem determined to let the world know that they believe that anything that can be captured on film is automatically LOL the funniest thing ever, and that every bit of music in every commercial more than three seconds long is worthy of obsessively posting "where can I get this music I need this music what is this music anyone know the name of this music where can I get this music?"

But I have two serious questions about YouTube itself that I would like to ask readers of this blog.  I hope they don't sound too stupid, but they are two things that have always really bugged me about the site and maybe someone out there has some reasonable answers for me.

First, why would anyone post a commercial to YouTube- and then make the video "private?"  I can understand wanting to make private, personal family videos available only to a select number of people (and I kind of wish that more of the crap posted at that site WAS private, and am downright mystified at a lot of the stuff that isn't.  I had no idea that there were SO MANY PEOPLE living in this country who are sure they are budding stand-up comedians, film directors, or models. (Hey, people?  Hate to break it to you, but you aren't anywhere near as funny, talented, or good looking as you think you are.  Glad I could help.)  But commercials?  They don't really belong to you.  So you captured it on film, posted it on YouTube- and then made it private?  What the hell?

(And why is it that some of these videos don't start out as private, but become private later?  Why would anyone do that with a COMMERCIAL?)

Second, where do ad companies get off using YouTube to spread their lame commercials at no cost, and then refusing to allow Commenting or Embedding for these commercials?  There are a TON of ads available on YouTube clearly posted there by the companies responsible for them which allow you to watch the ads but not comment or share them.  What is that all about?  It seems to me that if McDonalds wants to use YouTube to show off it's latest thirty-one second crap ad, they should at LEAST be required to surrender control of it for embedding, and to allow people to give their take.  Why are they allowed to basically poach space here as if YouTube is just another tv channel (one that provides free ad space?)

Anyway, it should be pretty obvious that these questions reflect my irritation that YouTube on occasion fails to be one hundred percent helpful and instead makes it difficult or even impossible for me to carry out this hobby with the ease a rather lazy, unimaginative dope like me requires.  I am curious though, so if anyone out there has any answers, I'd love to read them.

Interesting strategy, Miller Lite

Miller's latest ad campaign seems to be based on the following theory:  If you want to hook people into buying your brand of beer, find the must obnoxious, annoying and appallingly ugly human being ever to curse his mother's womb to appear in it.

Then hire a few monkeys who have an hour or so to spare and are capable of holding crayons to write a script which involves having this wretched bag of refuse make stupid faces and utter remarks that are very funny to an audience of senile box turtles.

Throw in a small dog, a few hot girls in bikinis, and a couple of twentysomething beer-swillers who can convincingly act befuddled at being in an ad which is awful even for a BEER commercial.  DONE.

The YouTube losers tell me that the-- ahem, "star" of this junk is an Asian game show host, or something.  No, I don't need clarification.  I don't care.  I just thought I'd throw that out there, because this post was looking like it was going to be a little thin.  And because I wondered if I was supposed to know who this pustule was.

And now, I'm going to make a small admission:  I have seen this ad maybe thirty times, but I have not listened to it even once.  This possibly explains why I find it so very awful, but I really would rather not leave the mute button alone and see if the script comes close to justifying this putrid, vile assault on all that is Good and Decent in the world.   I'll leave that to you guys.  I'm pretty sure I'm missing absolutely nothing.

"Hi, I'm the older child who lives in this house...."

Let me see if I get what you are telling me here, lady--

You like to watch bottom-feeder crud featuring zombies wielding chain saws, but you are afraid that if your KIDS watch what Mommy likes to watch, they'll get nightmares.  So you need to be the "boss of the TV" and block the stupid junk you watch from your impressionable kids.

I have a rather neat idea: How about taking this moment to re-examine your own tv viewing choices?  This MIGHT be a good time to ask yourself "why am I watching stupid, pointless brain flem?  Is it because I'm an Adult and I can?  Or am I less of an adult than I think I am?  I mean, thirty years after the Bloody Biker Type became the hackneyed symbol for the unstoppable lunatic, I still think he's Really Scary."

Seems to me that the wrong person is the Boss of the TV in this house.

All of these people need to die. Right. Now.

Hate Rising.  Rage Intensifying. Blood Pressure Rising.  HULK SMASH!

For all you Holier-than-thou (or just Holier-than-me) commercial viewers who claim to have never, ever wanted to jump on an airplane, fly to whatever muck factory produces advertising swill, and beat to death the characters who appear on your tv set for thirty-one seconds at a time attempting to sell you something,  I present: These Commercials.

And if you try to tell me that you STILL did not reach a level of homicidal rage before either of these monstrosities were over ( I really don't recommend you watching both of them at one sitting.  Consider this a Do Not Attempt disclaimer) I must reply that I simply do not believe you.  And you should stop lying to strangers.  And get your eyes, hearing, and pulse checked.

Because if this didn't make you sick with fury, you are probably a good candidate for Sainthood.  If you actually thought one of them was funny, you are not a candidate for the Human Race.  And please, for the benefit of us who ARE human, I beg you: Don't Breed.

Gerber's presents: The joy of single motherhood. Gag.

Pardon my prudishness, but it seems to me that if the Mommy here really wanted her baby to be "covered," she wouldn't have set herself up to be a single mom.

Now of course, we don't have the back story.  Maybe the sperm donor skipped town.  Maybe he died.  Maybe his wife wouldn't grant him a divorce.  But this woman looks waaaaayyyy too happy about being on her own with a brand new baby, and I get a very strong vibe that this was what was planned all along.

And if that is in fact the case, I really don't see how a $10,000 life insurance policy is going to reassure a baby who is going to be raised by day cares and babysitters while mommy is off making money to make ends meet.

"Hey, wait a minute, John- you are assuming an awful lot here.  Maybe she's independently wealthy, and she plans to live on that wealth while staying home and raising her child."  Ok- but if that's the case, why is she so giddy about purchasing a miserably inadequate $10,000 life insurance policy for that kid?  I mean, jeesh- $10,000 covers about four months in the life of the average American adult in 2013.

My guess is that the vast majority of Single Moms are a lot more interested in finding low-cost day care and a decent, rent-paying job than in waxing poetic about an insurance policy provided by a company specializing in crushed carrot mush sold in tiny glass jars.  But that's just my take.  This woman sure makes single mommyhood look inviting, doesn't she?  I must say, Gerber's certainly chooses the strangest things to endorse.