AT&T and Facebook: Terminally Stupid Together

We've all been in museums, libraries, and other once-quiet, peaceful places with this woman.  We all recognize her- she's the empty-headed idiot walking right past art and knowledge and barely managing to avoid bumping into walls because she's got her eyes glued to that m---f----ing screen in her hand.  She inspires feelings of intense disgust in all of us- disgust that we really hope does not turn to anger if that thing starts vibrating or chirping every few seconds, outright rage if the ringtone starts blaring.

And we wonder- what the hell is this person doing here?  As far as I know, there's no law requiring that drooling Facebook and/or cellphone addicts spend any time at all in museums or libraries or parks or anywhere else the rest of us are trying to enjoy a little of the unplugged life.  (Hey, losers- you guys aren't required to go to movies, either.  Just in case you didn't know, because you don't act like you do.)  Any of us really mind if people who want to chat and text and obsess over Facebook every waking moment of the day never make an appearance in a museum?  Can I assume that if they just find a rock to crawl under (a rock that does not interfere with their 4G, of course) they will not be missed?

Oh and by the way, is it safe to assume that when this idiot finally gets to escape from the Oh So Boring 'Cause It's So Not Being on Facebook museum and meet up with friends, she won't have the slightest idea of how to respond to the question "so, what did you do today" because she won't remember a bit of it beyond the time she spent daydreaming about being back on Facebook?

And is it also safe to assume that this sawdust-for-brains ditz will continue to pollute all the quiet, interesting places I like so much and spend all of her time staggering around in a bored daze while I mentally beat her to death with her own phone?

Geico takes a stab at cross-marketing

"Happier than the Pillsbury Dough Boy going to a Baking Convention."

That's the punchline.  Seriously.

Well, don't I feel stupid now.  I actually thought that "Happier than Paul Revere with a cellphone" might possibly be the bottom of the barrel for Geico and it's intensely stupid Jackassses With Banjos And Horrible Punchlines Which Dont Even Come Close to Providing a Payoff for the Extended Setup ad campaign.  Man,  do I deserve my audience an apology.

Because I didn't even take into account the possibility that Geico might start partnering with other companies in their commercials (is a Geico Lizard Loves Grands Biscuits spot on the horizon?)  What's next- "Happier than a mentally ill squirrel headed off to see Iron Man III?"  This Car Insurance/Bleached Dough Stuffed With Chemicals crap  makes the Peanuts characters pitching MetLife look absolutely genius.

By the way, anyone else wonder why the Pillsbury Dough Boy would be happy to be going to a "baker's convention?"  He's made of dough, for chrissakes.  So he's excited at the prospect of dozens of tables loaded up with relatives subjected to 400 degree temperatures and laced with icing?  What the hell?

Or am I just overthinking this stuff again?

Next year, KFC will serve it up in liquid form

Ok, let's take this slowly...

Somehow the loathsome bag of grease (we are what we eat, right?) starring in this commercial managed to consume a box of fried chicken parts without taking a breath, or allowing a thought to enter his sawdust-mottled head, which might have caused him to notice that the junk he was consuming was BONELESS.  He simply inhaled this life-shortening garbage until there was nothing left in the box but a few crumbs.  I wonder if he bothered to taste it.  At least one of his fellow lunchchoads did, because he comments on how good it is.  But this guy just stored it away like a chipmunk getting ready for the winter.

And anyway, is it really a good idea to encourage the expedited consumption of "food" like this?  At least if the KFC has bones, you have to take your time eating it.  Which means your body has time to recognize that it's getting full, and can get that message to your brain that it's time to stop eating.  Oh, but wait...why would KFC want you to stop eating?  This is the "restaurant" that fills soda cups with fried batter and calls it "Popcorn Chicken," after all.

So maybe "take this slowly" was not the best way to start this blog post.  KFC doesn't want you to take this slowly.  KFC wants you to pack it away and come back for more, quickly.  If they can find new ways to allow you to get more crap into your body faster, all the better for the bottom line.  Sure, you also die faster- but they have no doubt you are passing your horrendous eating habits on to your unfortunate offspring.  Please remind them that popcorn chicken can now be Super-Sized.

The Most Productive People in the World

Yes, because we still don't waste quite enough time doing Nothing with our technology, do we?

Wipe New?

I'm going to focus my entire post on just a few seconds of this hilarious Miracle Product ad.  If you want to follow along, jump to the 32-second point.

Here we have a guy who claims to have spent decades as a "Professional Car Detailer."  He tells us that with this new product, "now I don't just clean the car, I actually restore it."  Um, what?  So for decades, he was ripping off customers who wanted their cars detailed by merely cleaning them?  That's what he's saying.

Also- "this is the most revolutionary product I've ever used."  I notice he doesn't use the word "effective," and I'm not absolutely sure that "revolutionary" implies "effective."  But if this guy actually took his career of detailing cars seriously (I think we just learned that he didn't) you'd think he would have come across a lot of legitimate products that actually did restore cars to an earlier appearance.

But if all he did was wash cars while charging detailing prices, I guess this stuff does look revolutionary to him- "hey, there was an even easier way to get their money!"  Have to wonder why he'd want anyone else to know about it, though.

Kmart- if this is the beginning of a series, please, just kill me now

Sigh.

Really?

And to the YouTubers who think that this is the Bestest Most Awesomest commercial ever:

Sigh.

Really?

I suppose that very recently,  Kmart would have rejected this commercial because after all, only eight-year old boys raised in trailer parks in Kentucky would find this even remotely amusing, and they don't do a whole lot of shopping (but when they DO shop, they shop at stores ending in the letters "mart.")  But in 2013, pretty much all ads are geared toward people with the mentality (using that term loosely) of fifth-graders who are raising themselves while Mommy and Daddy are off trying to hustle a few dollars out of our permanently-in-the-dumps economy.  So while this is really pushing the envelope, it doesn't shock me like it might have a few years back.

Besides, have you seen Kmart's earnings reports lately?  Times are tough, even for Big Box Full of Chinese Junk stores.  I suppose that if this transparent bag of feces* attracts 1% more people than it repels, it's worth a shot.  And Kmart doesn't have to worry about offending me- I wouldn't be caught dead in one of their glorified, oversized, overpriced Dollar Stores regardless of the ads they produce.

*It's been a lovely weekend, and I've spent most of it on urban hikes.  I can't believe how many disgusting pet owners use transparent bags to pick up after their dogs.  What the hell is the matter with you people?

Another point of personal privilege; RE: YouTube

For a site which is essential to the success of my blog, I sure do give YouTube a lot of grief here. To be fair though it's not YouTube I snark at so much as YouTube devotees, who seem determined to let the world know that they believe that anything that can be captured on film is automatically LOL the funniest thing ever, and that every bit of music in every commercial more than three seconds long is worthy of obsessively posting "where can I get this music I need this music what is this music anyone know the name of this music where can I get this music?"

But I have two serious questions about YouTube itself that I would like to ask readers of this blog.  I hope they don't sound too stupid, but they are two things that have always really bugged me about the site and maybe someone out there has some reasonable answers for me.

First, why would anyone post a commercial to YouTube- and then make the video "private?"  I can understand wanting to make private, personal family videos available only to a select number of people (and I kind of wish that more of the crap posted at that site WAS private, and am downright mystified at a lot of the stuff that isn't.  I had no idea that there were SO MANY PEOPLE living in this country who are sure they are budding stand-up comedians, film directors, or models. (Hey, people?  Hate to break it to you, but you aren't anywhere near as funny, talented, or good looking as you think you are.  Glad I could help.)  But commercials?  They don't really belong to you.  So you captured it on film, posted it on YouTube- and then made it private?  What the hell?

(And why is it that some of these videos don't start out as private, but become private later?  Why would anyone do that with a COMMERCIAL?)

Second, where do ad companies get off using YouTube to spread their lame commercials at no cost, and then refusing to allow Commenting or Embedding for these commercials?  There are a TON of ads available on YouTube clearly posted there by the companies responsible for them which allow you to watch the ads but not comment or share them.  What is that all about?  It seems to me that if McDonalds wants to use YouTube to show off it's latest thirty-one second crap ad, they should at LEAST be required to surrender control of it for embedding, and to allow people to give their take.  Why are they allowed to basically poach space here as if YouTube is just another tv channel (one that provides free ad space?)

Anyway, it should be pretty obvious that these questions reflect my irritation that YouTube on occasion fails to be one hundred percent helpful and instead makes it difficult or even impossible for me to carry out this hobby with the ease a rather lazy, unimaginative dope like me requires.  I am curious though, so if anyone out there has any answers, I'd love to read them.